Level.

Today was starting off as a good day. After accomplishing so much last night I knew after work I was looking forward to an afternoon of relaxation (Something I haven’t had in awhile) but of course Murphy strikes again. First Master is not himself thanks to stupid doubts. Of all people HE should not be doubting. We are both risking so much here I understand but seriously this is all on him all these decision making will be on him I want it to be HE is the Dominant so he needs to learn to take control here. All I need to do down here is tell whomever I need to when I plan to leave and boom it’s done. It’s not as difficult as it’s becoming to be. We just discussed this shit that’s what is aggravating me too, we’re supposed to focus on what we WANT to happen not what we DON’T want to happen. The old habits are coming back I can feel it and it’s eating at me. Doesn’t help I still can’t level out mentally and emotionally with these meds. Master put me on the spot today and while I understand he had good intentions the little freak out really fucked with me that I started to cry in frustration. I don’t like this part of me I wish I wasn’t so fucked up. Maybe i’m the reason he can’t find the confidence in himself to be the man I know he is. That spark I saw last is fading I feel. I don’t know i’m so fucked in the head. I don’t like this feeling. I’m tired. I’m stressing about finances he tries to reassure me. I’m sorry i’m weird and stupid and need proof. A mans word isn’t what it used to be so I desire proof just like him. I want to level out with these meds. I’m tired from work I just wanted a quiet relaxing afternoon, but as usual it never happens. I just want a break. You people call it a vacation. I just want my mind to just stop. Just stop thinking or dreaming or wishing or whatever … it just needs to stop. I just want a break to level out. I’m so tired again. I was doing so well when he was here and even after he left until today. When will I ever have some fucking stability and consistency in my life? Outside the sun is so bright and here I sit crying in the damn dark. I want to shut my phone off and shut the world out again until I can level out but I can’t I need to beat this I just don’t know how i’m just so tired. 

Home.

original_home-sweet-home-personalised-key-ring
They say home is where you place your boots. Or where you grew up. Maybe where you bought your first house or where you had your first born? Maybe where your family is from. 

For me it’s none of those things. I never really have felt “at home.” Except on the ranch where I grew up, but as time has gone on and the atmosphere and family drama was created by the people whom i’ve grown up with… it’s not much of a home. My family’s farm where we’ve been around for decades is soon to be over and divided. My father and step mother have kinda created their own lives with her kids. My mother has several houses and I try to stay away from each of them. Even when I lived a few hundred miles away for a few years I never did feel “at home”. Even in the city I was born in and have spent a majority of my life… nope still not home. 

Last year I made the journey to another side of the state and to see about getting on with another agency if you will to further my career and while up there granted it wasn’t for very long but a few days I felt so at home there. I fell in love with the area. Even the hobos at walmart had better shit to buy from than the ones down here. Maybe it’s because i’m tired of this place. Everyone knows everyone and I don’t know I know there’s more out there i’ve just never been able to see it. I have a gypsy soul my dad used to claim, and I have the desire to see things and learn and grow. 

Master as a person is my home. With him I feel so………right. It’s hard to explain. I have never felt that way with anyone, not even the 5 years I was married. He’s my safe place, even when I don’t feel safe. He is helping me grow in ways I never really noticed until recently and it’s like my brain went *click*. Our lives are about to mesh in a way I literally never in my wildest dreams would have thought would ever happen. Is it nerve wracking? absolutely but I am ready. I’m ready. I’m ready to make this leap of faith. I’m ready to jump into this where my heart feels like it belongs. I’m ready to give someone my everything risking it all just to give fate and love a chance. They say life really begins when you leave your comfort zone. Well I have to say i’m ready to pack and leave comfort zone… because I think it’s time ……i’m finally going home. 

Thanks mom.

A successful day I thought, regarding progress of moving forward. Master and I continued setting out plans and making changes a reality among the both of us despite a busy schedule. Yes there was a bit of a misunderstanding regarding viewpoints (Didn’t I just talk about this yesterday!?) on our Protocols. I forget sometimes that we are still learning each other within this dynamic. Doesn’t help i’m medicated and still unable to level out. it makes it hard I don’t want to be that horrible subbie who cannot get a grip on herself. It’s not fair to either of us. I’m frustrated I guess and perhaps a bit impatient. This is years in the making and I want it now. This evening after my run I spoke to my mother. She’s relentless and I figured I better finally answer her phone call as I can’t avoid her forever before she tracks me down. Maybe because she was drinking but she felt the need to remind me of all my failed relationships whenever I tried to let another take control of my life. 

*sigh* 

She reminded me of my debts. My failed marriage. That if I decide to make this life change she understands that it’s not to better my life or my career but mostly because “you like being around him”. of course she tried to make it sound less mean by adding “and thats okay…” at the end. Didn’t really help. She also told me how she doesn’t want me to leave and that if things don’t work out (as she added “like they have before in the past a few times”) that she hopes i’ll come back home. 

*sigh again* 

I told her that while Master (I don’t call him that with her fyi) has been wonderful encouragement and motivation for me lately that in fact I do want to pursue to better my career and life. I’m miserable here. flat out downright miserable and unhappy. it’s the same ol town. same ol people doing the same ol shit. I hate where i’m at right now i’m in a lull or a rut that I haven’t been able to escape in years. I want change. I want something new and fresh. Start over where no one knows my name. Her response was “well that change comes from within you not running away to another place.” 

*Sigh* i’m not running away. 

She continued reminding me that its a small town there too and she is there and she will create more drama for me just like here. That I could face the same kind of work environment as I do now. That oh yea my relationship success rate is equal to that of the success rate of the dodo bird.  

*head slam* that did it. The seed of doubt had been planted. Curiosity sprung me and I went looking for this doubt like a dumbass. I found her FB page and ahhh yes, Master told him his current friends and her were no longer acquaintances and didn’t want anything to do with her. 

wrong

he told me that all of his familys hates her and no longer wants to have contact with her.

Wrong. they’re on her friends list too… 

And I got to wondering and thinking and remembering the drama and hell I went thru during my ordeal. How so called ‘friends and family’ would gossip between us. Telling the ex what my fb had or what friend I added or whatever. It was downright awful. I left that crap years ago I don’t want to go through this again. it’s hard to believe it won’t happen and I won’t make master choose it’s unfair, I already know as i’ve had to practically choose with my own friends over master. 

I have a bad feeling. something is off. maybe its the doubt seed blossoming. i hope not. noot when we are this close. I just don’t want to be the one who is being gossiped and dissected like I had to deal with after fair couple years ago. I just want to be happy already… is that too much to ask for? 

W.T.R….

submission

Syllabification: sub·mis·sion

Pronunciation: /səbˈmiSHən/

NOUN

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person:
 
Things are really happening. It’s finally hitting me. Master has given me the 411 if you may and we may finally be joining households soon… very very soon. While i’m doing somersaults inside it hit me as well that this will be the first time i’m making a big life change without a plan of my own. No job. No real plan. just kinda winging it here. Master and I have been reading a book together that has been helping with our dynamic & better understanding of the lifestyle immensely (You can find it HERE) and we try to discuss it together to improve communication and understanding of each other not just our mentality but view points as well because we all know two people can have two very different views on the same subject. Tonight’s chapter was the different descriptions and understandings of various submissive roles. At the end of the chapter the author mentions how it is ESSENTIAL that a submissive is honest with her Sir at all times, not just for trust or arguments sake but the fact that if she says something just to please him he cannot make a good decision based on bad information. 

Fact. 

Master wants me to relocate closer to him. In doing so he stated he would assist me in the finances area. That is a core-shaker for me. I’m almost 30 and have NEVER let ANYONE EVER take 100% care of me in that manner. Not even when I was married. I don’t know how to handle it. Perhaps my upbringing? My mother is the kind of person that if she does something for you – you better believe she’s going to make you pay for it and remind you of all the things she’s done for you or given you. My father is quite the opposite. When I was married I tried to depend on my (ex)husband but was constantly let down, hence one of the MANY reasons we divorced. When I tried to depend on another whether it was a love interest or a friend i’ve been let down time and time again. I’ve learned to simply rely on myself. I’ve been homeless. I’ve gone days without food or a place to live. I’ve slept in parks. I’ve gone without because I tried to depend on another and was left on my ass and i’m terrified of that again. I’ve struggled a lot in my life but i’m doing okay compared to many. I’m very fortunate to have the little that I do have. It isn’t much or fancy but i’ve done the best I can and am grateful for everything I own. It often takes the forces of nature to allow anyone to assist me often times my dad would have to shove $20 down my throat just to help with gas money or my mom would have to sneak into my apartment to put a few groceries she felt I needed (I’ve since revoked her key) I’m grateful but I don’t want to appear helpless or incompetent. I don’t make much I get that but I do the best I can which is why since the age of 14 i’ve been working. I’ve never taken a “vacation”. I’ve never traveled but maybe a 3 day quick venture to 3 cities. i’ve never just not worried unless I was heavily medicated. I’ve never just had a break. I want one I just don’t know how to achieve that.

In submission is to let go. to turn your life into the hands of another. to trust. 

I trust him and I want to place my hands in his and let him guide me to be a better person not just submissive. In our love i find the will to let go little by little. I’m afraid this will be held over me but we both know that this is the best and most efficient way for us to push forward with both of our goals in both life and within our dynamic. 

it’s like bungee jumping. the hardest part is letting go and falling knowing you won’t slam into the ground and splatter like a bug on a windshield.

It begins.

War brings out the best and the worst in people. Or maybe it just brings out the worst, in many different shapes. But surely today, war could also mean restoring law and order by dropping a few sophisticated bombs? No, it couldn’t. 

Today his world was set on fire and I felt as if our love was the fan that fueled the spark of unhappiness into a fiery flame. I don’t want to be that woman. I often look back and to this day I never saw it coming. I don’t regret a single thing. I have found my master and mate. In the most unorthodox way but it happened. Perhaps our paths were destined to cross to save each other from the years of feeling lost, like something was missing from our very souls. We both know things are about to move fast and publicly. In this day and age of social media rumors and what not are going to be flying. I can only hope my presence in his life does not ruin him. I only want to build him not destroy him. He is worried for me and I don’t want him to be. I need him to focus because I need to focus myself. i can only hope he stays on task as I know from experience these things are fickle and delicate and downright dirty. She will not play fair. I hope he isn’t either. 

Today for myself between doctors, lawyers, legal and what not my head is still spinning. I just want to get away from here. I’m over it all. Master allowed me to see a movie with some friends and one of those friends is one he does not trust me with (for good reasons as I’ve made mistakes in the past). I am doing my best to prove to him my loyalty and regain the trust that was lost. In doing so I hurt my friend. They all went to eat and I pretty much just blew them off and came home. I got a text of concern and what I could disseminate thru the message was disappointment and hurt. I am being made to choose sides and it’s breaking my heart. This friend did nothing wrong to me. Has always stood by me and has even picked me up off the floor at my darkest days….. But I love my master and will do all I can to keep him and prove to him. So as the tears pricked the edges of my eyes I had to push them back. Sometimes in life you hurt those you care about for those you love. It’s unfair but it’s how it is sometimes. 

Times like this I need my master here. I need to be with him. Only in each others comfort and safety are we able to break and I think we both need to break and save each other tonight. 

Believe.

First day without him… has while yet been bearable than before still not any easier if you know what I mean. It’s a deeper “missing you”. I feel so achy all over. Like the flu. Like my body is in pain not from physical activity but because I am missing him; His touch, His kiss, his love his EVERYTHING. And for the first time we are both experiencing this “sub/dom drop” together. It’s so intense. It’s like withdrawal from the best high you ever had. 

Master had given me direct, distinct and very detailed tasks to start doing daily. They are helping me stay focused and motivated. Even as i’m writing this i’m shoving dinner down my throat in order to be on time with the completion of my daily tasks. It helped me today keep from being down in order to tend to the down Master keep on his need-to-do list of things I knew he wanted to accomplish. It kept me from crying or breaking. It kept me from being a mess at work – which is already a disaster. It kept me together even though inside my heart wanted to cry it’s bloody tears dry. 

I want so bad to be in his arms. Beneath his fingertips. On his lap purring where I belong. But I need to keep positive and tell myself that it will be soon. Because if I start going back down there I don’t know if i’ll the courage to get out this time. I’m still pretty exhausted in every aspect of my life after the last few months. I do know that I need to take care of him so that he can take care of me too. It’s how it should be personally. He is the Sir the strong one but I know how it feels to be strong all the time. You want to break that much quicker. I want to be his safe place so he can break like I can break with him. I don’t see him any less…. Now if he did 2 year old pouty temper tantrums like my ex husband did all the damn time wwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeee may have an issue. But otherwise I believe in him. I believe in the Master he is inside. We discussed it today it’s like a spark was lit within him! And in doing so a spark was lit within me. Like I mentioned before .. the more I see his confidence grow and his true and real Master that he is that  has been hidden all these years appear before my eyes makes me want to kneel before him that much sooner.

I believe in my Master. I believe in us.  

Lipstick.

Change. It’s inevitable. It can be a welcoming thing and a terrifying thing all at once. It seems things are happening…. like REALLY happening. I often think this isn’t real. I never saw this happening. I want  to believe with all of my might again but that little tiny voice that realistic wench is telling me to wait. Last night I saw him. The real Master i’ve known was within him all along. Especially today and this morning. It’s an incredible feeling. It was a turn on. It was enticing. I was entranced. Sucked in. Seduced. Hypnotized. Like he could do anything and everything and it was okay to TRUST him and his word. 

“FINALLY.”

Came to mind. 

I know mistakes have been made and so much will need to be worked through, mended, fixed, changed on both of our ends. I’m willing to do that. There are somethings i’m not ready to change in the way he wants because we have different view points. However I feel that if things go the way we hope and pray and this big life event does take place. I feel I can prove more so than I can from a distance. We are both believers of actions over words, and like most human beings actions are usually a change that takes place within your own eyesight. Not something you read or hear but something seen with your eyes and felt with your hands and body. Alas, I can only hope. 

I’m concerned about her I won’t lie. “Fatal Attraction” Comes to mind. I’m not afraid but i fear for him. I feel he is still blinded and naive. A scorned woman is a scary thing but a person with nothing but idle hands and free time is a terrifying thing. He doesn’t believe me when I say i’m heartless but I am and have been before. When I went through my big “D” I was so cold so emotionless so thoughtless and didn’t care. I absolutely did NOT care. 

At least what the ex saw and what I allowed him to see. to others it was known. Once the issue was dealt with then I could go through whatever emotion I felt or still feel to this day. But I was like the character in 300 (part 2). I was cold. I didn’t care. I wanted my vindication. I know what women are capable of. I hope he knows this and will take all precautions. 

As far as the sub drop this time…….. it’s not as bad. I ache for him. His touch his kiss his scent EVERYTHING. While I did a decent job of holding it together (I had to tell my brain that he’s just at work) I walked into the bathroom only to find written in $12 now-discontinued Victora’s Secret red lipstick:

“I love you Kitten.”

And Just like that. I broke. Beautifully Broken and he loves me. Please God let this path be right and be soon. I need to within his grasp oh so very soon.