Black Sheeps Rule….

Another rollercoaster. Another up and down. Another rush as you reach the top of the ride only to feel your stomach launch itself into your throat as you begin the rushing decent down in fear. Yet you suddenly find yourself begin to laugh with a slight amount of tears because you start the journey back upward and you realize it’s no longer a fear you feel but the feeling that its going to be okay and that the next time you feel yourself going back down it’s no longer a fear but a challenge you’re ready for….

We found ourselves on another road journey again this weekend. It was a nice getaway for the master and I as I was able to see some familiar faces of friends and family i’ve missed so very much. Master and I always enjoy our time together as it seems more and more often how much we are welded by our souls and common interests. Granted we often have our varying differences and viewpoints but we often (stubbornly mind you) have our chances to talk them out and work them out and find that middle ground of compromise.

However this weekend was overshadowed by a large ugly cloud known as Her.
Ah yes…. yet again. Submissives are very loyal and territorial of their owners, at least I am anyways. I have always made sure that he is content and happy with things and that he knows he is not by any means obligated to be my owner, that he is able to leave at any time. Her vengeance and obsessive jealousy has increased to critical levels, so much in fact that she has taken to the social media as a tool to express herself. Now I understand that anyone is entitled to feel however they want, as it is our own free will as human beings. I use this as mine, others take to art, music, working out, etc. I do know that it is not wise for one to use it to deliberately attack another. In order to hurt master and myself she has “outed” us and publicly in a small town mind you. I was mortified, devastated, outraged, hurt etc. I can’t explain all the emotions and thoughts that ran through me. I don’t know why someone would do something so low, so hurtful so hateful? I wanted to cry, I wanted to lash out, I wanted to make her hurt like she had hurt me. Master was just as angry and hurt but did a so much better job of holding it together, perhaps for me, perhaps for himself. Being apart of a small town and a woman who’s mouth is bigger than mine we both knew that we had been outed and that word would soon be spread like a wildfire in the wind. My heart sank and my world grew into a darkened blur. What would happen? What would this mean of us? What will people say? What will our families say? I pictured master telling me that we needed to go our separate ways and so many other scenarios but that isn’t what happened. Shaken to my core and unable to process a thought from a fart, MY Master appeared before me and was able to help me function as he dropped a bomb on me: We were going to ‘come out’ together to his family.

For those who aren’t keeping up here, BDSM is still not accepted by much of the mainstream world. Sure with FSOG “Mr. Grey” is the center of half of america’s female (and some male) population but to those who truly understand the concept of this lifestyle are still in fear as many only see that BDSM is either purely sexual or the ol “whips & chains and leather” poster concept. Jobs have been lost, hate has been seen and neglect and so many other things have occurred by those who have been open about their activities. Not saying it’s in every case but it has been known to happen. It was my fear, and has been for sometime as both Master and I’s career fields are very in the public limelight. I am more scared for him than myself, I always have been because I care so very much for him.

Anyways, He was very calm despite my fears. He and I both knew that it was only a matter of time before word reached his family so I understood that it was only the right thing if they heard it from us directly. I’ve told a handful of my closest of friends and even then it was a terrifying experience as the only way I could relate it to as being gay and come out of the closet for the first time. We stumbled our way through it and despite his family being the very conservative type we were able to explain – sort of– and that they reassured us even more and I think we all were able to bond a little more that day. It was a good feeling and I’m sure some questions will continue to arise as She is still making fun of our dynamic, me as a person, my body image, my masters integrity etc, but in reality i’ve accepted a few things. She is damaged. She is broken. We have done nothing wrong, illegal, immoral or unethical. But because she feels the way she feels and believes what she believes she is going to lash out at us in every possible way because that is how she is able to justify everything she has done or is doing, and that is okay. She will never admit her wrongdoings (which is ironic considering all that she is accusing us of) and that’s okay. She needs to find a way to heal and if this is how, then so be it but we cannot in anyway stoop to her level because that is feeding the demons. Master said that she hates me because I have the things she doesn’t have like self confidence, a place of belonging, a way to love that is right for me and someone to love me for who I am despite my flaws.

I had to do a little self reflecting overnight, and see that is the truth. I often told myself that I was happy who I am after I discovered my submissive side but when my privacy was shoved into the open without my consent I was afraid of those around me whom I had feared the most when in reality it shouldn’t make a difference. My Master is the only person who’s opinion should matter. I’ve always been and will always be myself. My submission is not something to ever be ashamed of, there’s nothing wrong with it or us. If you haven’t seen the movie “Secretary” there’s a quote that seems to continuously play over and over in my head that says:

In one way or another I’ve always suffered. I didn’t know why exactly. But I do know that I’m not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him. – Lee Holloway

Who we are, the way we live and love, the way we are able to indulge our quirks and little tidbits that never quite meshed with others, well there’s nothing wrong with it. We don’t always know why things happen, why we meet certain people at certain times in our lives but it happens and instead of turning away from the things that make us happy and whole inside we need to embrace it for all it’s worth. It’s a gift and you should never ever reject a gift. What She did initially was wrong, and that says alot about Her character but how I react to it will say alot about mine. One thing She did that I never anticipated was only deepen the bond of my master and I and let us stand closer and stronger than before. Solidifying that “black sheep” role a little more, but hey black sheeps rule right? Sometimes these experiences we wish we could avoid but in the end they really shape you only for the better if you allow them. Just as I love my bruises and marks of ownership given by my Master, I am loving the scars that life is bestowing upon me, because they too tell the story of how I loved and lived.

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A rant & A rage.

Failure.

……it’s one of the hardest things to accept. Right now that is what i’m feeling. I’ve encountered a roadblock along the road to my goals and while I know it’s not going to end the pursuit of achieving my goals it sure has knocked me down pretty damn hard. I know that the past doesn’t dictate one’s future but today it seems that is what is occurring. It isn’t fair because it is the mistakes and lessons of the past that shapes us into becoming better human beings as we grow older. Many times who we once were is not who are now and I can’t believe that this is happening to me now. Karma perhaps? maybe. My heart was shattered and I felt myself just shut down internally. I am still numb from this morning and I can’t face the reality of it. I find myself hoping and praying I still have a chance but deep down in my heart I feel as if I should just take it as a sign that some things aren’t meant to be no matter how much we want them. I’m lost in the thoughts and processing it all is harder than I ever imagined. Master helped a lot with a scene that actually showed that my pain tolerance has increased as I was able to take more during impact play. It helped me in ways I couldn’t describe. Maybe I am a pain slut. Maybe not I couldn’t tell you. I just know it was the only time today since I received the news that I was able to let go and let Master find my center so I could stop my downward fall into depression.

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In other news: She is on the social media rampage. “Woe-is-me” diatribes of the one-sided-day-time-tv-drama-worthy statuses and vague-booking statements that make me want to punch things. I get it. She’s hurt/angry/upset/whatever. We’ve all been there but to carry on and on like she never did anything wrong is ridiculous and to go as far as to blame ME for things that she did on her own before I ever was around is even more asinine. Master addressed his concerns (he’s just as pissed as I am) to his family and friends but according to good ol facebook seems there are those who didn’t take his request seriously. It’s not my place though, that is his to deal with I don’t want to be blamed anymore for him being “isolated” or whatever from his friends and family because that is what she did for so long although no one is publicly saying it. I don’t get why no one has publicly ever defended me as I have for others but then again drama has never been my game to play. I don’t like being called out as if i’m some horrible individual for having a taste for the lifestyle I live with my Master. BDSM is not some sickness. Being submissive doesn’t make me weak and loving my marks doesn’t make me “pathetic“. It seems her time in the padded room was not long enough as her fatal-attraction style like actions are somehow justified. Vindictiveness is a form of mental illness like narcissism and its astonishing how people can be so hateful and bitter. Why can’t anyone just let things go? Hurting others, dragging them through mud and spewing ugliness doesn’t say anything about how they are but it sure says a lot about how YOU are.

Pffft. Please….

Cry me a river, build a bridge and then do us all a favor and jump off of it.

Let go Master.

This last adventure the Sir and I made our way up into the mountains for a small get away that was much needed for the both of us. It was a wonderful time for just the two of us where we were able to get lost together without the worry or stressors of our everyday surroundings. The best part of it all was trying new experiences besides that of our kinky explorations. I got to zipline for the very first time which was an exhilarating event for me as i’m terrified of heights and I also rode a chair lift up a large mountain while my feet dangled freely below me. Master was so excited he said to see the expressions on my face as I encountered these new experiences. One thing I know is that BDSM lifestyles often open one’s mind into exploring new experiences. I used to be a person who hated to be spanked or restrained or hit in anyway by anything as I grew up with a parent with anger issues and endured physically violent relationships. What I didn’t realize is the emotion behind those were done out of anger and hate while the spankings and other physical parts of our scenes are done out of love and sensitivity. It seems like quite the oxymoron right? But think of it this way: How often do you hear someone say,“I absolutely HATE needles!!!” yet they have a dozen tattoos? its because the emotion and reason behind the pain they feel. No one wants to get a shot from the doctor but that buzzing and delicious pain one feels during a tattoo session can be very relieving! Fear is often the reason so many are trapped in a box of the unknown and curiosity is what lets us go past that limit and push ourselves to open that “pandora’s box”.

For me that is what I often yearn for, that little shove to make me move past my limits and fears. I won’t lie my first experience with a paddle was excruciating as I remember being so incredibly tense and afraid of what may happen as I had no idea what to expect. Now? I indulge in the endorphins of the paddle and find myself able to endure a little more pain every time. Many have found BDSM-like activities to be almost therapeutic in a way. I know for me personally I am beginning to find that when Master restrains me with rope when I am having anxiety issues I am able to basically settle down and find my center. Or when i’m emotionally distraught and angry or upset to the point of yelling and crying out of frustration at him, he has put me over his knee and given me a few strong but loving spankings bare-assed and I can’t explain it but it’s like I am able to concentrate on the action that is occurring and forget my woes. I recently was browsing fetlife admiring the beautiful shibari art and rope suspension photography and really began to wonder if that would help me overcome my fears of heights. You see everything really centers about trust and letting go. When Master practices his rope work I trust he will not harm me and I will often close my eyes and just feel the rope around my skin, and know that no matter what happens I will be safe and that I can stop thinking and just FEEL. That is what I did with the zip line. I remember the instructor giving me all these tips and what not but I toned him out and focused my eyes on my master waiting for me at the other end of the line and as I climbed up the platform my legs were shaking uncontrollably from fear; afterall I was about 5 stories high dangling by a single cable. I wanted to be back in the safety of my Masters arms but in order to do that I had to let go and allow myself to fall to him, so I did. I took a deep breath and pulled my legs into me and the adrenaline just began to flow as I zipped down to him. When all was said and done I was excited not because of the activity but because inside I felt a little stronger and a little braver of doing something I never knew I could do or was ever capable of.

Like all things in life it’s terrifying to risk it all and take that leap of faith, but when you do it’s so self-rewarding isn’t it? Just as it’s rewarding to see someone else doing the same as they take a leap or two based on you asking them to trust in you. I’ve continuously told my Master to have faith and trust me when I say I will not harm him, his love or hurt his heart in which he’s entrusted me with. I know he has hurt and has been let down so much in his life and I’m beginning to see him really let go and it’s so beautiful and amazing when he does. When he lets go of the limits and rules that have been placed on him from the past and really lives for himself and the strong dominant I know he is and can be. When I see him really embrace those beautiful and inspiring traits I feel so proud of him overcoming his fears.

Last night Master had a serious family issue that I don’t believe he’s ever really dealt with before. Interventions are rough alone but with family its often harder. I felt somewhat out of place but did my best to help, especially since I had a similar occurrence during my formidable years. I saw MY master REALLY become a Master indeed and not only did he take control in a calm and beautiful way but the way he was able to show that he cares in a way that many need in their lives. Many of us need someone to grab us by the head and say “Look. THIS is what is going to happen.” and know that it WILL happen. I am so proud of his accomplishment last night. It may just have been ONE night but I do hope that it continues. He is capable of so much once he truly lets go and I love him for trusting me to keep him safe so he can explore in this part of untapped potential.

Taking care of Sir.

In this D/s lifestyle many see the Dom/Top/Master/Owner etc.. as this all-knowing holy-er than, high and mighty, strong as an ox type of person. They never break. They never falter. They are to always to be seen as strong and never weak.

Lies.

They (both male and female tops – never gender specific!) are human just like me and you. They too have  to deal with the ups and downs of human emotions and mindsets. They have to deal with the wear and tear of daily thought processes, interactions and the constant self-reflections of “Am I doing this right?” that submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc have to deal with as well.

Master and I have had a push and pull dynamic as we are both strong personalities and have weak moments, which is a common human trait for everyone however we feel we must strive in our roles and sometimes the need to be those roles for each other will conflict with what we are actually feeling or dealing with at the time. For example, this morning. He didn’t sleep well last night (I didn’t either) and I could tell he was really exhausted and hurting. I offered to make him coffee while He got ready for work and he ordered me to stay in bed and rest. A good subbie would do as she’s told. I, however, ignored his order and got up anyways to at least start up some strong coffee and do some morning chores to at least help get his day started. I could tell he was irked at my defiance but then seemed pleased there was fresh hot coffee awaiting his tired self. Now I am not a defiant pet, I actually listen pretty well for the most part. But as his partner in this dynamic duo I knew he needed some TLC and some help, so while risking a punishment, I did what I had to in order to care for the one I love. I know it’s hard for both of us to allow each other to be taken care of as we are both used to never having someone care and love and support us. We never had that need fulfilled in our previous relationships and felt it was the norm. I know myself personally I am always used to taking care of the other person and never myself, and now I have someone who wants to take care of me and it can be overwhelming sometimes. But at the same time the need I have to serve and cater to my Sir is still there and very strong and when I can do even the littlest and smallest things to contribute to us and our dynamic I feel so good within like I am worth something and I can do things to make him proud of me and need me. While I am doing a victory dance I know he’s thinking the opposite not because he doesn’t like it, I know in fact he loves it, but the fact that he isn’t used to it and it can be overwhelming.

This dynamic we are in is still evolving and growing as we continue to learn with and from each other. That also means breaking each other from our molds and old shells. Old habits and what not but sometimes that can shake a person to their very core and I know Master sometimes battles within and it can wear him down. I see it and I know that he wants to remain the “stronger” one, I need to let him know that when the time comes that he needs to let his shield and guard down even just for a moment that as his submissive and his partner that it’s okay and I won’t judge him or see him differently. That is why people say that submissives aren’t weak at all, because we too have to be strong for our tops. We have to be able to hold them up when they feel too worn to stand, and not be afraid or ashamed to do it. I don’t mind it and i’m hoping he knows that he can lean on me for that support and be the strength he needs to give him that little push to get back on track or help him focus. He’s my best friend and i’d do anything for him to better him in the ways he WANTS to. I will never make him to mold him to anything based on what I think is best because I refuse to change or control him. That is something that is often mistaken by some subs/slaves. They manipulate to control and that is a shame. I love it when he takes charge of not only myself and our dynamic but of his own life, his own dreams, his own goals and demons. To see him stand above and do things many don’t think he can do. She – for example- sees him as some spineless person who couldn’t wipe his own ass without her guidance. Many see her as doing the womanly aspect of controlling funds, bills, household for a smooth sailing ship when in reality she has simply become the puppet master, and he is simply the puppet. I know this because when I saw him outside that control it was intoxicating how he could just make things happen by the drive in his heart. That drive in his heart is what I want to nurture, care for and love to help it grow and find more strength and confidence.

I know with the recent changes our life has really done 180’s but I hope that soon we can start to level out and find our footing again. It makes me proud of the progress he has made over time because I knew he had it in him all along, I just have to keep caring for my Sir because that’s what good girls do 🙂

Thursdays.

When you move to a new place you often are curious of the places around you. Yesterday I started mine by meeting up with Master and one of his co-workers for lunch. To say the least it was awkward for me. I still am not too sure how to act around him as for majority of our relationship has been apart and long distance so we didn’t do a whole lot in public together. Plus I don’t know how wants to act with me especially with co-workers or in uniform. I wear my day collar always and its a way for me to still feel connected and owned by him but even still in public who am I?  The rest of the day was a shitty blur. For starters: Google maps & Siri need to get their shit together I was lost like crazy and really didn’t go that far! I spent a ton on some food for the house, I know Master likes to snack and it’s making me so happy that he’s finally eating again. Plus it felt great to contribute to the house and us so I didn’t feel like such a leach. I did happen to see Her and felt a bit uneasy wondering if she planned to run me off the road, which luckily didn’t happen. At the days end I was a bit frazzled. Not sure if it was getting lost or what exactly but I wasn’t exactly thrilled. My meds didn’t seem to be working since I took them that morning and I stupidly opened a bottle of wine and drowned my brain cells with it. Funny thing too a friend from my community even warned me about drinking in my new location because of the change in altitude really effects one’s tolerance. Oops. I felt better (or so I thought) and blared music and cooked happily a big dinner for Master. I wanted to try some things as he is very selective of what he eats or doesn’t and I didn’t want to let that hinder us like it had with others so I felt awesome to take this challenge with ease. I don’t remember much after dinner I guess I stupidly sparked a fight. I do know in the back of my mind I was missing something. Home. My friends. My family. It was Thursday and I didn’t get to go to coffee like I had been almost religiously for over a year. I was missing my kink. I knew this change meant leaving a lot behind and I still don’t regret it don’t get me wrong but I do miss some of what I left. I’m sure once I get going on the career i’ll find new friends but master said we aren’t allowed to be apart of the community here which hurts me but I understand his reasons. My kink is a big part of who I am inside because of what it gave me when I first came into it. It’s still early on and I know there are some things to figure out within each other. Who knows perhaps Master will allow us to venture out of here to find another community to be apart of, but I know none will ever compare to my locals back home.

I’m not Her….

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Old habits are hard to break. Old reactions to old habits are a mother fucker to break, but i’m not Her.

So much for bliss. Reality kick right in the balls this morning. Things have been off in Master for about 3 days now, every since he got a call from his friends the other night while I was cooking. No big deal. There’s been a bit of uncertaintiy from my end but I don’t know anything about them and just like I didn’t like it when he wanted to keep me from my friend he didn’t trust I won’t do the same to him, i’m not her. It’s just one of those “it is what it is” scenarios. I do know that i wasn’t mentioned at all from what I could tell and haven’t since. A little hurtful but expected. After all so far some of Masters friends and family members aren’t approving of me, which I also expceted after all i’m the one coming into this after they got used to her for so many years. Bonds were developed I am not here to break or replace any of those. That is between master and them. I will not ever try to get between him and his family or his friends no matter if they like me or not. I will always be kind and civil and polite in return. I guess because all of my friends and family have been so happy and supportive and welcomed him with open arms its rather a false expectation I guess I had that I would get the same but regardless it is what it is and i’m okay with that so long as he doesn’t treat me badly or allowed me to be badmouthed just because i’m not her.

Ever since then it seemed I saw and felt him draw back and pull inside himself. Granted things appeared okay but compared when we first arrived I felt so loved and wanted and needed and appreciated and just at peace in my home. But last night even it was like there was a giant elephant in the room. The dinner thing was weird, talking was weird, watching a movie was weird….. all together it was weird it was not HIM. And I couldn’t help but feel if it was because he was so used to a certain behavior in her that he started treating me as such. From my so called “body language” to guessing what i’m thinking and reacting…. it was all wrong and upset me even more because its like WTF where is this coming from!? I’m not Her!!! Stop guessing my next move or train of thought based on her!? Yes it drove me batshit. Going to bed was better we talked a little more and I thought things would be okay. Woke up and despite my best efforts I. DO. NOT. LIKE. TO. BE. FUCKED. WITH. BEFORE. MY. FIRST. CUP. OF. COFFEE. don’t do it. I’ve told him over and over and here we go again… All because I grabbed my phone. Meh I’ve been doing it because even though I find myself using it less and less I still like to try and catch up and see if anything major has happened since after all that’s how people report major news is by Facebook -_-

He then rudely says “there’s coffee if you feel like joining” and walks away. At that moment I’m irked. Very unwelcoming behavior and it’s like wtf. I thought we weren’t going to do this stupid bickering anymore. It’s like he reverted back to his old ways with Her because of how she would fight with him and they would stomp away. I still (as weird as this sounds) loved the one fight we had where he was able to keep me calm we talked. I felt safe to voice my concerns calmly and respectfully and boom it was done. I don’t know how they used to fight. I know how I used fight with my ex husband but I want away from that life, that mindset. What happened to my Master in 48hours ?! It’s disheartening and I find my anxiety and emotions flare up for the first time in awhile. Actually took my meds for the first time in about a week. I don’t know what it means I can only hope he sees I’m not Her.

No longer a stray….

Pets like me who don’t have a home are often considered “strays” or “wild“. A home for me is a place of belonging. A place where you are loved, comfortable and at peace. Where I was once calling “home” is more of a place to sleep and eat and where my animals and I lived. Where my clothes were kept. Where my things were placed but it was not what I considered a realhome” for me. I never felt at place there, I never felt like it was where I needed to be. When Master would visit for however amount of time that seemed to be the only time I felt I could be comfortable there. When I would travel to different places for work I often felt myself searching for that home-ly feeling in hopes to find perhaps where I needed to be. Much like a stray moving from place to place… I could never seem find it.

……Until now. The changes in recent days, weeks and months have led me to here. Here I am now with my Master and I cannot believe it. For the first time in my life I feel where I need to be, I didn’t even feel this when I was married to the supposed “love of my life” *pffttt*. I am sleeping peacefully. I am eating happily without remorse or concern. I am able to stretch my body and feel everything slowly release that was once tight with stress and agony. When the nightmares of the past creep back into my mind I awake and feel the comfort feeling wrap me up in the warmth of protection and I can so easily sleep again. My animals must sure feel this peace as they seem to roam with ease. Master is doing his best to silence a lot of the concerns I have – since stress is something I’ve never ever gone a single day without. He wants to take care of me and I am fighting every fiber of my being to allow him to do so, after all isn’t that what every woman wants? I fear being a lush or lard like someone has been with him in his past. He says I am not and I do my best to do my part here until the career picks up again.

I am not his house slave- let’s not get those things confused. While I am a horrid suzy homemaker I feel, I know our home is slowly but surely coming together furniture piece by furniture piece. I do however know for certain want to take care of him as he has never had that before, which for me is so incredibly hard to fathom let alone believe. I sometimes wonder if he tells me little lies like that not to intend to hurt me but to make me feel better? I know it’ll take time as we continue to learn things about each other from habits to quirks. I am so excited to expand our D/s dynamic to a 24/7. To know that I can kneel beside him, curl up in his lap, feel his grip around my throat as my collar snugs and the bell charms. To play and scene as often as he wishes. To continue to try new things, and experiment with new ideas. The toy box growing with goodies. I am just so excited in that area for a subbie like me it’s a dream come true! It’s still in the early stages so protocols and tasks will be put into place soon i’m certain. I know he misses it I think. I often wonder what crosses his domly mind. What dominant aspects he thinks of, dreams of, daydreams and creates in his mind. I crave that in him. I don’t know why.

As far as outside our dynamic, things are flowing as they can i’m sure. My friends & family are concerned for my safety and well being as She is still on the crazy pursuit and I am a little afraid to leave the security of my home. It’s frustrating. I am not a person to be afraid. I don’t like that feeling at all but at the same time I do not want to make life difficult for either Master nor myself right now for too much is at stake in both of our lives and careers. I now know how people feel that I once interacted with at work on the street used to scream and shout “S/He is fucking crazy why don’t you believe me!? Why won’t you do something!?”

So that sums up the update. I missed journaling. I missed writing but with this feeling of finally finding my home and my place at my Masters side I don’t have all the mundane thoughts floating in my head, instead it is I that is floating happily for the first time in my life and I have no intentions of ever coming down……