Another rollercoaster. Another up and down. Another rush as you reach the top of the ride only to feel your stomach launch itself into your throat as you begin the rushing decent down in fear. Yet you suddenly find yourself begin to laugh with a slight amount of tears because you start the journey back upward and you realize it’s no longer a fear you feel but the feeling that its going to be okay and that the next time you feel yourself going back down it’s no longer a fear but a challenge you’re ready for….
We found ourselves on another road journey again this weekend. It was a nice getaway for the master and I as I was able to see some familiar faces of friends and family i’ve missed so very much. Master and I always enjoy our time together as it seems more and more often how much we are welded by our souls and common interests. Granted we often have our varying differences and viewpoints but we often (stubbornly mind you) have our chances to talk them out and work them out and find that middle ground of compromise.
However this weekend was overshadowed by a large ugly cloud known as Her.
Ah yes…. yet again. Submissives are very loyal and territorial of their owners, at least I am anyways. I have always made sure that he is content and happy with things and that he knows he is not by any means obligated to be my owner, that he is able to leave at any time. Her vengeance and obsessive jealousy has increased to critical levels, so much in fact that she has taken to the social media as a tool to express herself. Now I understand that anyone is entitled to feel however they want, as it is our own free will as human beings. I use this as mine, others take to art, music, working out, etc. I do know that it is not wise for one to use it to deliberately attack another. In order to hurt master and myself she has “outed” us and publicly in a small town mind you. I was mortified, devastated, outraged, hurt etc. I can’t explain all the emotions and thoughts that ran through me. I don’t know why someone would do something so low, so hurtful so hateful? I wanted to cry, I wanted to lash out, I wanted to make her hurt like she had hurt me. Master was just as angry and hurt but did a so much better job of holding it together, perhaps for me, perhaps for himself. Being apart of a small town and a woman who’s mouth is bigger than mine we both knew that we had been outed and that word would soon be spread like a wildfire in the wind. My heart sank and my world grew into a darkened blur. What would happen? What would this mean of us? What will people say? What will our families say? I pictured master telling me that we needed to go our separate ways and so many other scenarios but that isn’t what happened. Shaken to my core and unable to process a thought from a fart, MY Master appeared before me and was able to help me function as he dropped a bomb on me: We were going to ‘come out’ together to his family.
For those who aren’t keeping up here, BDSM is still not accepted by much of the mainstream world. Sure with FSOG “Mr. Grey” is the center of half of america’s female (and some male) population but to those who truly understand the concept of this lifestyle are still in fear as many only see that BDSM is either purely sexual or the ol “whips & chains and leather” poster concept. Jobs have been lost, hate has been seen and neglect and so many other things have occurred by those who have been open about their activities. Not saying it’s in every case but it has been known to happen. It was my fear, and has been for sometime as both Master and I’s career fields are very in the public limelight. I am more scared for him than myself, I always have been because I care so very much for him.
Anyways, He was very calm despite my fears. He and I both knew that it was only a matter of time before word reached his family so I understood that it was only the right thing if they heard it from us directly. I’ve told a handful of my closest of friends and even then it was a terrifying experience as the only way I could relate it to as being gay and come out of the closet for the first time. We stumbled our way through it and despite his family being the very conservative type we were able to explain – sort of– and that they reassured us even more and I think we all were able to bond a little more that day. It was a good feeling and I’m sure some questions will continue to arise as She is still making fun of our dynamic, me as a person, my body image, my masters integrity etc, but in reality i’ve accepted a few things. She is damaged. She is broken. We have done nothing wrong, illegal, immoral or unethical. But because she feels the way she feels and believes what she believes she is going to lash out at us in every possible way because that is how she is able to justify everything she has done or is doing, and that is okay. She will never admit her wrongdoings (which is ironic considering all that she is accusing us of) and that’s okay. She needs to find a way to heal and if this is how, then so be it but we cannot in anyway stoop to her level because that is feeding the demons. Master said that she hates me because I have the things she doesn’t have like self confidence, a place of belonging, a way to love that is right for me and someone to love me for who I am despite my flaws.
I had to do a little self reflecting overnight, and see that is the truth. I often told myself that I was happy who I am after I discovered my submissive side but when my privacy was shoved into the open without my consent I was afraid of those around me whom I had feared the most when in reality it shouldn’t make a difference. My Master is the only person who’s opinion should matter. I’ve always been and will always be myself. My submission is not something to ever be ashamed of, there’s nothing wrong with it or us. If you haven’t seen the movie “Secretary” there’s a quote that seems to continuously play over and over in my head that says:
In one way or another I’ve always suffered. I didn’t know why exactly. But I do know that I’m not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him. – Lee Holloway
Who we are, the way we live and love, the way we are able to indulge our quirks and little tidbits that never quite meshed with others, well there’s nothing wrong with it. We don’t always know why things happen, why we meet certain people at certain times in our lives but it happens and instead of turning away from the things that make us happy and whole inside we need to embrace it for all it’s worth. It’s a gift and you should never ever reject a gift. What She did initially was wrong, and that says alot about Her character but how I react to it will say alot about mine. One thing She did that I never anticipated was only deepen the bond of my master and I and let us stand closer and stronger than before. Solidifying that “black sheep” role a little more, but hey black sheeps rule right? Sometimes these experiences we wish we could avoid but in the end they really shape you only for the better if you allow them. Just as I love my bruises and marks of ownership given by my Master, I am loving the scars that life is bestowing upon me, because they too tell the story of how I loved and lived.