Drop.

If you’ve never experienced drop before it’s a bitch. Scratch that. It’s a PMSing nightmare of a bitch. It’s like Her level of a bitch ha.

But alas drop whether it be sub or dom drop it’s still part of the package. And oh what a heavy package it can be. Recently, Master and I attended a very big kink event in our area and it was our first together as we were very excited. We had a blast and were able to push our boundaries a little more as well as indulge in our dynamic that much more. Our bond grew. Knowing he had the other end of the leash was even more fulfilling than I had ever imagined. To see him break out of his shell and become more confident and comfortable was even MORE rewarding than all the flogging I was able to enjoy. My pain tolerance has increased; We discovered that a few times although I am learning that cat-o-nine is a devilish little item. Now after the event we both experienced a very strong drop, and Master himself even said that for the first time he didn’t want to leave and go home. Me, being me, I stuffed that drop without even knowing it. Subconsciously I’ve never been one to let myself feel things because I was taught it was a sign of weakness from a very early age. submissive like me I believe feel much stronger and deeper than we realize sometimes. Because I stuffed it, I ended up creating a very toxic situation with Master to the point where I became disobedient, rude, argumentative just a plain asshole to the point where we were shouting at each other. I’m not sure how he managed to do so but he basically stopped the shouting and became his domly self and yanked me over his knee, yanked off my pants and gave me the beating of my life. I know that sounds bad for those who aren’t apart of this lifestyle but I am so grateful he had the strength to give me what apparently I really needed without even knowing it.

I don’t allow myself to break; And by “break” I mean cry or feel certain emotions as I said above I was taught it’s a sign of weakness. The only “break” I wanted to feel is during a scene in breaking my limits and PUSHING me to do so. What Master did was what is commonly called in the community “Therapy Spankings”, and doing what he did he pushed me to break and in doing so allowed me to feel all the emotions i’ve subconsciously been stuffing for who knows how long. I cried hysterically. I mean I really sobbed my heart out until there was no more tears left in either of us. Once it was all done and over with, he dressed me, kissed me softly on the forehead and held me tightly in his arms and lap. No words needed to be said between either of us, the touching of our bodies said it all. Plus we had cookies and milk in bed which is a win all in itself lol 🙂

People don’t see what types of emotions we endure in this lifestyle. Whether you’re top or bottom, Dom, sub, little, slave, Master, whatever… you literally give your all and everything into it and it’s so much exchange on every level. So many only see the sexual aspect thanks to 50 Shades. Do you think the “almighty” Christian would have given whats-her-nuts a therapy beating because he knew she needed it? Doubt it.

There’s much more to learn and be willing to learn. I know now that because of the events that have occurred in the last few weeks I am finding myself more and more to allow my Master to see those ugly sides of me that he never saw before and to allow him into my darkness so that he can help me heal myself.

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Sunrise.

As I sit here on the yoga mat, guitar ready to be played, mutt staring at the cat who’s staring outside, while the trees rustle in the breeze….

I’m content. I’m not where I want to be but I know I can get there. That little bit of hope is something i’ve forgotten i’ve had. That purpose to strive for more. Perhaps it’s a funk, but I remember i’ve only been here a little over a month. It doesn’t seem like it. Honestly it feels like half a year but for that little bit of time i’ve been on quite the roller coaster, maybe this is that flat-boring-part before the ride starts to do the loops, ups and downs, tunnels, climbing highs and screaming lows.

Regardless i’m going to ignore such in-depth thought processes. I think that is what is getting me all screwed up inside is I often find myself over thinking and creating some image in my head of how things should be and when they’re not my demons begin to feed off those disappointments. Life isn’t supposed to be pre-planned or expected. It’s supposed to be a surprise journey whether it be a good or bad one and how you react to it is how it’s going to go for you.

This weekend is going to be a good one I pray. I know Master will be switching mindsets into uber-high-security-risk type but for the love of penis I hope not. I know if he is wound up I won’t be able to relax or enjoy myself but instead look like Her with a pained look on my face >.<  (i’m sorry that was mean..ok no i’m not sorry) But in reality that’s how it’ll be. I don’t think he remembers how he was treated or as he described to me (whether it was real or not) and how much they fought over public things like that. So we’ll see. I want to be able to enjoy myself as it’s my first time really being able to go out and have fun in what feels a long while. I want to experience and learn. I want to laugh and make memories. Hermit living is starting to get old but I am just keeping in my head that it won’t be this way for long…. Think positive get positive results right?

HMFIC.

Ever hear the phrase “How the cow ate the cabbage”? 

No? well it’s basically a “Coming to Jesus” kind of thing/conversation.

Last night we had one of those. Sort of….

Well it was mostly Master. I’m not sure what happened in the last 24 hours. I didn’t realize my Dom was broken or our dynamic was needing to be fixed. I knew that things haven’t been as full of spark as it used to, but with the overload of stress I knew that Masters plate is full and I didn’t want to be the whiney naggy sub who is screaming “me! me! Me!” so I just let things go and let them be. He said he wants to make changes and take more control; or as the new term has been coined “Head Motherfucker in Charge

…..kay?

Granted I do hope that he will do whatever he feels he needs to do to fix whatever he feels isn’t working right. I personally don’t want to be the one pushing the kool-aid his way yknow. I just want him happy, just as he does for me. I will do as he asks and support him throughout every change, aspect and rollercoaster we may endure. He knows i’m a person who believes in action over words and that where there’s a will there’s a way…. I have hopes but I don’t want to put any pressure on him. It was wonderful the way he was a little more commanding last night where he was able to center not only myself but himself as well. A good scene will do that. It was so relaxing and the marks that were left behind on both of our bodies were reminders of a strong passionate and powerful bond that needed some TLC. The balance of 24/7 DS and reality is hard to find and KEEP. How some dynamics manage to only keep it in the bedroom, I have no idea……. Regardless I think that was the first good night’s rest either of us had in a long while (Unless he was lying to me -_-) If only it could be a more than once-a-month thing.
Meanwhile things are gearing up here at home to get very busy PDQ. I’m excited. I like busy. I don’t like too much blah or mundane. Don’t get me wrong I REALLY enjoy days of relaxation and solitude but busy is good too. Keeps one from thinking too much. I’m so unbelievable ecstatic to see the group from home soon. Of course the realist in me is freaking out over finances but master reassures it’s fine and to not fret. I’m trying to trust him and his words. I REALLY am….. its just hard. I don’t want to be the hypocrite still remembering the past, but some of those wounds still sting from time to time. But then again i’m sure his does too. I need to keep that in mind, which is why I love it when we can share stories from our very beginnings from strangers, friendship, best friends, co-workers, etc…. in a way it was to bring up the things we couldn’t say before without fear because it’s done and over with yknow? Those stories really show how far we’ve come along and how many times any regular person would have probably given up….but I stayed. We stayed.

So the master wants to reform. Let’s see what happens…. ball is in his court now!

P.S – The primal came out in me again. I still have no clue about it.

Cloudy.

The weather is dark and gloomy as winter is settling in. It matches my internal battle. I’m tired. I don’t know why. I’m just exhausted I want to sleep. I’m not depressed or anxious. I’m not wound up or angry. I’m not hurt or frustrated. I’m just………here. Existing. It’s like a no-emotion thing. I am doing my best to push past it, trying to remain positive and upbeat but in my solitude I find myself turning inward like a hermit. Hell I had trouble even figuring out what to write about today. I don’t have much going on. I tell master (99.9%) what is going on in my head; which is better than what I used to do. Even if it does take me all day to find the words or the courage to so. I lack drive and motivation. I lack the urge to be intimate or submissive. I lack the desire. I lack the stimulation. I just don’t want to say that I don’t care- because I do. I’m just tired still of finding myself making decisions. I don’t want the control but it seems it is often dropped in my lap regardless so I stopped pushing or urging. Unless I remind him, protocols aren’t followed. Unless I remind him, he won’t engage in our reading or learning of D/s. I don’t want to push as I know he has alot on his mind and plate right now. It seems life is taking over him as much as I plead that he not take on so much or worry so much about things. But I feel my words aren’t as loud as they used to be. I often bring up things several times only to see a temporary change before reverting to old ways. Eventually I don’t even put forth the effort. He wants to change then he will do it but I cannot make or suggest. I don’t even want to anyways but he asked me to help him to not be who he was but perhaps who he was is who he really is. The days drag on and I do my best I know it wasn’t going to be easy but it shouldn’t be this hard either.

Lately he doesn’t sleep with me like he used to. That hurts me so deeply inside everyday. He used to be able to sleep soundly no nightmares. no demons. Now that is the opposite and it brings me to tears just thinking of it. As for me it seems the anger I harbor comes out in my sleep. I have no recollection of it but it’s probably why I feel tired all the time. This past weekend we had a really crappy experience with a new city kink group. talk about feeling shunned. It hurt me as it did him but instead of “defending my/our honor” (think knights in the renaissance) he turned inward and just i guess let it be. Me? Battle kitty would be flipping her shit much like I had with Her antics. But that is where we are different and maybe it is time I learned from him and take into consideration some changes in my behavior. I expected him to be the wolf. The hunter. The predator but it does show that I don’t know that role as much as I presumed. That’s okay more learning for me. I am still grateful for all that he has done for me and know that things will take time. We are still “new” in our dynamic. Still evolving. Still growing. As one who has always been the talkative, informative, let’s-see-whats-happening-online kind of person he is the opposite. Very the opposite. He has tried but it seems that is too much out of his comfort zone and I refuse to push him to do things he will not do on his own. Kind of like forcing a child things. You can try to teach all you want but until they do it on their own, you’re only fighting a losing battle. My mom used to try and force me to be things I didn’t want to be or wear pink and dresses. Here I am almost 20-some years later thinking “ooo I wanna be a girl today!”. See?

I don’t need a daily scene. Fetlife (as mundane as it is) will fulfill my need for now I guess until things change or evolve. Who knows maybe this is just a dynamic shift or morale shift. I do miss home during this time of year, at least the feeling of comfort and familiarity. This is my home too though, I won’t let some self loathing person try to take that from me, but until she is afraid to mess with me I can’t risk the chance of running into her. I don’t have the ability to control the rage and hate. It’s bad I know and master has tried his best but just as I won’t push him he won’t push me. So in here, behind these walls I will sit and wait. Just gotta do the best I can. I’m holding on for him. I’ll change more for him. Just right now i’m tired, and really just want to lie on this couch and watch the clouds go by…………..

Mrow…

I have felt like a whiney nagging sub lately. Master works hard. He’s stressed. He’s tired. He’s doing his best and sometimes feels like it’s not enough (when it is!) So what’s a sub to do? 

That’s right.

She puts on some red lipstick, does her make up, her hair, preps her body and wearing only a silk robe and fishnet thigh highs she becomes the meal he’s been hungry for. She allows him to drink her sight in, become stoned on her scent, his fingers explore all that he owns and yearns for and as a sign of reassurance to silence the demons he’s silently fought for so long she kisses his bare skin chest, marking him with her red lips.

Spoiling him has never felt so good. I’m so tired today and it’s a good tired. I feel renewed. Refreshed. No kinky fuckery involved, just pure erotic sensual passion for him. My “inner goddess(as the ’50 shades’ sub frenzy has coined) but I prefer the term huntress. Two predators, Two strong souls devouring each other, renewing the fires within each other and fanning the flames of desire, loyalty and inspiration once again. D/s or any type of relationship requires work from both sides. As long as he’s trying I won’t quit trying either. Why wouldn’t I want to be his sex kitten? I don’t understand how some women make it sound degrading, as if I have no self-respect. But then again to each their own, as long as his belly is full and his balls are empty I am content.

No.

My mother told me that my very first word was “No.” In fact that was probably the only word I knew for a long time as i’ve been so used to hearing it.
“No, you can’t stay out late”
“No, you can’t do _____”
“No, you can’t climb that tree”
“No, you can’t win”
“No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t”

It’s just one of those things that feeds into negativity, fears, insecurities, demons all that crap. It’s a heavy burden that I’ve often failed at overcoming. Baggage. A ton of it that I seem to carry from one relationship to another. From one job to another. From one life event to another. It would be great to just drop those suckers off and leave them behind but i’ve learned the past always catches up with you… whether it be karma or some kind of juju it just does. For the most part i’ve embraced all of my flaws for what they are and just kind of accepted them. One thing I have had to deal with lately is the rejection from life.

“Dream” job #1 gave me the ol denied/rejected
Option B gave me today a big fat denied/rejected
Lately Anal training has been rejecting because my mind is thinking “NOPE”

Just a downward spiral i’m trying desperately hard to keep from going out of control. I know that this is a small slump that everyone deals with from time to time but for me it’s one of those “woe is me” crap that my demons LOOOOVE to breed off of. My mother – inadvertently- has always been my biggest critic. Whether be about my weight, my house, the way I dressed, the way I talked, the men I dated, the way I spent my money, the way I cooked… You name it, it was never good enough. Some say “that’s mothers” but for me… She was all I had growing up so it was a learned behavior that if it wasn’t good enough for her it’ll never be good enough for anyone and who would ever want a woman like that? Part of why I don’t know if I could ever tell her about my dynamic with Master and probably why lately my insecurities about being a burden are so high. She always instilled into me (which honestly isn’t a bad habit) to never need a man, to be able to take care of myself 100% so that way no one will ever hold anything over my head, I would never be an obligation or a leech.

Master has tried his best to reaffirm his thoughts on it, that I am in fact none of those things but it’s so hard to break; and today’s rejection didn’t help. I know there are choices and opportunities out there for me and I can’t sit back and just pity party myself but I didn’t think it would take this long nor did I think I wouldn’t have a chance. Everything happens for a reason I really need to focus on that part. I fight depression and anxiety everyday but I need to PUSH past that mindset. I need to push not only for myself but for my owner, he deserves that. As his sub, he needs me to be strong, confident and positive. We both have dealt with the outside world trying to belittle and diminish us both individually and together. I still think master is afraid to be open as I am about this but in a way i’m just letting that go. He is a big boy, he can make his own choices. However I need to keep fighting, keep striving. I made it this far, I know I can keep going. I won’t sit on my ass like another person has for almost a year sulking. That’s not my type that’s not me. I’m a fighter, I may not fight fair but i’ll be damned if I don’t get the last punch or the last drop of blood on my hands. Maybe this is my primal side coming out, yknow with the blood moon approaching. I’d love to do a spirit guide sometime, find out what primitive beast is fueling this inside me. No, not some vampire bullshit. (Twilight blows) but something much more realistic and profound. I’m happy to have my master who understands the basics of primal instincts and help me comprehend, even if it takes awhile. I have this urge to fight. I really do. Maybe it’s built up frustration? Maybe it’s the always-brewing rage I have beginning to rise? I know I need to keep it in control for many reasons but deep down I have the urge to hunt. I know i’m not a prey by nature; I’m a predator. Nothing would satisfy me more right now that to turn the tables where the once hunter becomes the hunted. The good thing is that I can feel myself rejecting the idea of rejection and instead turning it into a challenge.

I like challenges. b336763661418d60a85a6cf8950dcc90