Primal-licious?

Slower, calmer weekend. Master and I spent it doing pretty much nothing and i’ll admit, it was much needed and so fantastic. I’m not really the sit around and bum type, and neither is he. But with the daily stress that is really beginning to take it’s toll on our minds and bodies I have to say sleeping and lounging around was much more desired.

Speaking of ‘Desire‘ funny thing happened recently…
Not sure if i’ve mentioned it before but I’ve turned to the “dark” side AKA Primal 3 times now. It’s increased in severity each time. Not really sure what to make of this still…. It’s not something i’ve ever saw myself doing let alone so easily. I can’t explain but it’s usually during sex. I have this urge to tear things apart. Biting hard as an indication I want him to fuck me harder. I scratch. Nip. Growl. Show teeth. Go for the jugular.  Apparently my eyes turn really dark, like black. I know that I start to get tunnel vision as my orgasm draws near and my aggression continues. Master is a primal by nature but this last time it was as if we reduced ourselves to just that – animals. No words were ever said. We spoke in snarls, deep bites of the flesh, skin was scratched, blood appeared with intent, challenges spoken through eyes, strong grips of the hands on our bodies, and an orgasm that echoed throughout the night.

O.o 

I don’t know what the heck is going on. Master said i’m allowing myself to channel the underlying continuous rage and anger I have within myself to turn into a primal state; or something like that. I can’t recall exactly my head was fuzzy for a long while and even had difficulty showering, as he had to wash me and make sure I could stand without falling. He explained that it makes sense to him as i’ve always ‘challenged‘ my ex’s In and out of bed? I always had my way but in life I did and noticed that they could not compare, that they were weak or scared of me and my alpha like state. Master of course is the only one who has been able to really deal and control all of those things. Most of what we discussed made sense but i’m still trying to figure out why. Not saying it’s a bad thing, as having a pack mentality is a great structure idea for our home. It’s just does that mean my role has switched? Am I no longer a submissive? Am I pet? Am I switch? I don’t want to be in charge. I loathe that idea as i’m in charge enough in the regular world.  I know there is no set-cookie-cutter-box-label as to what I need to fit into but again this caught me off guard and because “Primal” is something that is a new dynamic or mindset in the BDSM D/s lifestyle it’s hard to find any research, reading or education for me to follow up on except the daily diatribes of fetlife…. So if anyone can point me in the right direction please do! lol

Home life is doing better, I am trying my hardest to be calmer, work harder at understanding and less on the nit picking. Being a woman with hormones is a bitch. My stress is still high especially with finances. I don’t have many bills but I don’t know how to ask for help and soon the ol bill collectors will be calling. meh. We are taking things one day at a time and last night I don’t know why but I wanted to stroll down memory lane. Maybe to help escape the stress in my head? I showed master some of our very first conversations and the gentle smile that I saw completely made my night. It’s astounding to me how much things have changed, our humor has remained for the most part but it seems like such a life time ago. It made me fall in love with him again as we read through the jokes we used to say and how much of a bond we developed simply being each others best friend. Honestly I think that is how we managed to become so close so fast is because of the friendship that was developed way early on. It allowed us to trust each other on such a deeper level that when the time came that he discussed with me that he wanted me and our dynamic it was easier to make that leap because of all that I trusted him with and he with me. I’m very fortunate to be in love with my best friend and even more fortunate to see him become stronger each day despite those who try to tear him down. Dynamics are tested almost on a daily basis and how you come out of those experiences will show just how much you care for each other and are willing to fight for each other. Every Dominant is capable of being someone amazing as long as they have the continuous support of their submissive. A bond like that is stronger than you could ever imagine.