Into my Direction



In life i’m sure i’m not the only one who wishes they could have a “do-over”.
It may be something big or something small.
Maybe once a year or once in your lifetime….

Today I woke up wishing I was able to “do-over” yesterday….. It sucked and it’s not how I wanted to spend that day with Master. I don’t like to fight and it seems that’s all we do lately. Maybe because i’m trying to yank back control. Subconsciously I know that I do it whenever I feel my Owner isn’t being “dominant” enough or as much. But mentally I know that I need to stop that nonsense. One thing Master has taught me is that if someone does something or reacts to something differently than we would or would have liked – doesn’t make it any less worthy or less than at all. I don’t know how to change that about myself. I do know for one thing is that this has been a very rough month for us. Master and I both lost someone very very close in our families and it rocked our cores. Perhaps it changed us in ways we didn’t realize. I know for certain the other day was my first scene with Master in weeks, and it sure made a difference in my brain. We both seem to fail at overcoming our pasts and demons and why I have no idea. Perhaps because due to our careers, we know how society and people really are. How much they can lie, stuff and fake their way through things. I know for me personally everyday my demons that my Owner will cheat or has been is getting worse and worse. I don’t know why. I mean I do, but i don’t know why I feel this way I shouldn’t! I’ve always been the one who felt “if they cheat on me fuck it”. I never was one who would sit and worry because i’ve learned in life if someone is going to do something whether it be cheating, lying, stealing, beating, good or bad – there’s nothing you can say or do to so stop it so why worry?

That was me. Where did that part of me go? I’d like that part back. I know if i’d worry less, we’d fight less. One thing is that i’m back to career focus and that is lifting some stress off big time. I’m so grateful because it weighed heavily on my heart and mind….. Although now a new weight has taken it’s place but in the long run I have to believe and trust that it’s the right thing, just like making this life change to be with my owner where I belong.

I miss our community and lifestyle. I hate living in an area that has once a month munches where I was used to once a week AND once a month play parties. I’m a kitten who loves to be around people to interact and play with. I’m no lone wolf.

Speaking of wolves, I have decided to no longer stand back or stand by from little miss insanity 🙂 kinda nice to take back that control from others. Screw those who turn their noses up at me. Silly bitches, don’t they know the higher the monkey climbs the tree, the more it shows it’s HUGE ASS.

D/s on respite

We had  A much needed break recently.

During that time we slept. We ate. We played. We rested. We laughed. We talked. We joked. We cried. We shared. We danced. We read. We drank. We found peace.

Running non stop for almost a month straight, Master and I think that is where we began to have issues. It’s hard balancing a 24-7 D/s lifestyle with everyday life. It’s an ever-day work ethic where we have to work at keeping things moving. Granted not everyday is good but not everyday is bad either, right?


We also recently found ourselves going back to our first conversations. I don’t know why but we did and wow talk about a change. We were such different people back then, so fearless and upfront without any worry of repercussions. We know we have changed based on all the ups and downs and the after effects of the things that have the occurred over time between and outside of us.

Looking back I know that we both wish we could still behave in such ways but I know for myself i’m happier this way. Before I know that I didn’t care. I didn’t care about what would happen with him or what would happen with us. I didn’t care about things as I do now. I have a more profound and deeper understanding of what it is to truly love and be loved in return, for that i’m grateful for all the trials and tribulations and bullshit i’ve experienced. People change. People grow. They learn. They experience. Mistakes are made. Progress is made. Things happen….

Although I do miss the feeling of being wanted…. really wanted.

I think Master and I worry so much about the negatives in our lives, always worrying about what we are afraid of, what we don’t want to happen we just forget about the good and the little moments. I know personally the other night when Master had his whisky and I had my wine and we just decompressed and were sitting together, reading while beautiful sonatas played in the house while the scents of the candle filled the air was by far the most relaxing moment i’ve had in a very long time.

I’m learning that as a submissive I am so focused on serving my owner that I forget I need to serve myself too. I always am afraid i’ll be like Her in anyway and to think of myself could be seen a selfish and no sub should be selfish; but it’s not. If i’m not okay mentally, and emotionally how am I to be able to be those strengths when Master needs me to be? How am I to be able to serve him and his body when my back is killing me? The question is to know when; at least that’s the question. One thing I need to heal that is coming back with vengeance is my nightmares and demons. They’re really getting rough and angry to where i’m getting less and less sleep at night. I don’t know where they are coming from, what is triggering them, or why i’m having them but i’d really like to stop them especially since I need to get back into routine.  I’m excited to finally get back to my version of normal again, maybe that is what will cure the anxiety/nightmare crap. I don’t know but it’d be great to sleep again.