Well, the year is winding down. As the New Year draws closer, I can’t help but sit here and look back over what has happened.
I started off this year not really expecting a lot. I would go to work, do my best, go to the house, sleep, then do it all again the next day. As the year progressed, I felt a sense of turmoil rising in me. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t deny it any longer. I said “go to the house” for a reason.
I realized that I was losing myself because I was living a lie. I said I was happy but I wasn’t. I was miserable. I was fighting my demons alone and saw that I was losing the battle. I’ve spoken of some of them here, and they are only the minor ones. Then I made a decision, I decided it was time…
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Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner? Everything my Master is 🙂
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks? For the most part pretty open. I’ve learned it’s nothing to be ashamed of however I don’t go wearing a big banner saying “i’m a kinky fucker!!” My family isn’t aware of it.
Day 26: What’s your opinion on the online BDSM play? To each their own. Not my cup of tea I need physical contact. You can write about a flogging all you want, but it’s not until you feel the falls upon your skin do you really get into the full experience
A nice Christmas here at home. Both Master and I had to work, but we got to spend a little time together before and after with each other and family. Little things are what i’m grateful for the most. The best part wasn’t the gifts but knowing we have each other…. That’s the best gift I’ve ever had. It’s snowing today and i’m excited and not so excited. We both are working, but that’s life after all. Our dynamic hasn’t slowed, but is a little quieter and uneventful as life is taking its course. No rush though, we cannot fight the way things happen, we just have to go with the flow. I am missing my family, but grateful for the family I have here with me. Not sure what the next step is in our dynamic. There is a lull, but not an unhappy one…. I know we both are still craving that structure as it’s currently going through change, however until we can get our routine’s down pat it’s hard to establish protocols. Perhaps we need to overlook them and adjust as necessary, especially with the new year just around the corner. I’m so ready for it. I’m ready to start a new year with new hopes and dreams. I want to give my Master all that he deserves and then some!! Each day is a step closer to the submissive I want to be. I am missing my community and kink, but I have to remember it all resides within us.
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they? Subs who hit on my Master. Dominants who can’t appreciate the ones they own.
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they? Improved my self confidence. The fact also I don’t fear pain as much anymore or the fact I don’t care what others think of me as much anymore…..
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand. Poly. I know I couldn’t do it, but I have always wondered how others can do it….
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction) Michael Makai.
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship? The upkeep of it. Constant need for growth. It’s like a living plant… If you fail to continue to nurture it, it’s going to die. As far as different from vanilla I can’t say it’s TOO much different, however the need to pay attention to it is more.
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so? I’m a lot more open minded. A lot less judgmental.
Two days from Christmas and i’m so ready for the year to be over with. This year- up until about months ago- has royally sucked, but with all hardships there’s lessons to be learned. I have learned several that’s for certain. Things are a little rocky at home, but I’m trying not to dwell on it too much because it’s still early and things are still getting back into normalcy….. Whatever that is lol. I just hope it’s soon….. I’m tired of feeling lost again just when things began making sense. However, I feel I’m doing better about not dwelling on things. Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something.
Regardless, I’m over making anymore decisions this year. But if i don’t make them no one else will……..
Everyone has heard the saying “Perception is reality”. Do you think this is true? For me, I know more often than not, it isn’t. I have been the victim of this misinterpretation many times, but I have also fallen into the trap. Our perception of what is being said or shown is often colored by our past. Our past is what we have to go by. The only way to make sure what we are seeing is what is actually meant, we must ask. But when we ask, we must be ready for the answer. If the answer is not what we have perceived, then we must be prepared to adjust our perception.
Honesty is a cornerstone of our relationship. Even if the answer is one that will hurt, this cornerstone demands that it be said. However, if the answer is contrary to our perception, we must remember this cornerstone…
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Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up? Oh boy. This is a long one… We’re not weird. There’s nothing wrong with us. We don’t have a mental illness. We aren’t fucked up. Our parents didn’t raise abusers, narcissists, whores, sluts etc…Yes we believe in love. Yes we have everyday lives/jobs and function just normally. No christian grey isn’t real. No 50 shades is nothing like the real thing nor does it resemble a single ounce of truth. No we’re not sex addicts. Yes this is normal and more known than you’d ever guess. I could go on and on this one…..
I just realized it’s the 17th. That means this month is half way through. I can’t tell you how excited I am lol. I have never been the festive one. I enjoy the hidden meaning behind Christmas and all that jazz but as far as acting like buddy the elf, not since I was a child. Holidays were never celebrated in my life. My parents always did their own thing and since I’ve been on my own since I was 16/17 I always had to work so I never really celebrated. This year of course will be no different, I’m working which doesn’t bother me at all since Master is also going to be at work. That is our norm and it feels just fine. The difference is that the festiveness is in my heart verses on display. No amount of lavish gifts could mean a person has the holiday spirit in them yet I find the desire to run around with a santa hat and listen to christmas music at night over hot chocolate. I want to drive around with master to look at the christmas lights and have a snowy christmas. Weird huh? I never really cared for any of that before and my ex-husband was fat and jolly like ol saint nick but I would stay away from him and his family like lepers. I think when you find that good place in your soul and your surroundings or perhaps that comfortable feeling in your life you tend to see things differently and enjoy the moments you never did before. Consider it a type of christmas gift to yourself and the ones around you who truly care for your heart and soul; a second chance at life. The ability to change yourself for the better. It’s NEVER too late to live the life you always wanted to live, I know because I see my Master and I, the experience we’ve had in this lifestyle and outside of it and see how much this dynamic has truly saved us. In our trust and bond were we able to find someone willing to go through hell and back and never give up on each other. We made a promise to each other when he collared me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up on that promise. I made a promise with my soul and heart instead of just my words. So this year all I want for Christmas is my Dom <3. So maybe Master and I will play while listening to christmas music (We’ve already seen someone getting flogged to Mickey Mouse Club theme song) or maybe there will be kinky presents to ring in the new year……Tis the season after all… Fa La La La La La La La La…..