Wait… Who am I again???

Oye.

Once again, it seems life keeps taking us for a ride. I often pray that life will slow down just a bit and let us catch up. I’m sure many have heard the phrase,” Don’t get busy working while trying to build a life” or something along that line. Basically, that’s what has happened. Master and I are workaholics. We try not to admit and often strive not to be but when you love what you do and/or are good at it, it can easily whisk you away from your life. I’ve been involved in Law Enforcement for almost 7-8 years now and I love every moment of it. Just like my Master, I am constantly striving to learn more and achieve more. We both have such visions career-wise, it’s almost like a kid in a candy store with the “I want this!!”. However, in all relationships, no matter what type or style, you must nurture and care for them. Workaholics often find this as a challenge, and sometimes the love can be lost if not cared for. Master and I had a small downfall, granted not as ugly as the past but our dynamic was dying. For those who live a 24/7 D/s this is a struggle for many, especially if both are dominant personalities on the “outside” world. These personalities and responsibilities can be lost in translation with the dynamic you’re trying to build. The protocols, the kink (besides the sex- again BDSM is SO MUCH MORE than SEX!!!!)

On the outside I am a strong woman. One who didn’t need saving, but a woman perfectly capable of saving herself. I decided to be my own hero. I am continuously, even to this very moment, DETERMINED to be better than I was before. I want to be stronger, wiser, smarter, braver. A better shooter. Better educated. A better cook. A better lover. A better friend. Along with my lioness side, I am also a sub for my Alpha. I see him as a true Alpha in every aspect of life. Unlike the misconception many see, He is not controlling or mean; he doesn’t have to be. He is just pure man. A leader, and a compassionate and loyal Alpha to his pack. I am so lucky that he has accepted me in his life. Since Master carries a lot of pressure from his career, having great pleasure and a release when coming home is very important. As a couple we almost always stick together on everything, in and out of the bedroom. We believe in teamwork. Our roles in daily life are nothing short of doing our best and we pride ourselves on leading fulfilling and healthy lives.

Now that’s not to say mistakes aren’t made and issues don’t occur. Because they do. I’m learning shit happens. Things happen. Whenever I miss a workout, or eat too much, or drink too much or whatever, then oh well. It’s like congrats there’s about a million others who did it that day too. No biggie. Master is teaching me much more to be so hard on myself. I guess those spankings are finally paying off Sir?

While Master and I had hoped to be rid of a certain legal pain in the ass by now, Murphy’s Law has struck again and it’ll be a few more months until that occurs. I’ve been doing much better at handling things regarding her and so is Master. I don’t see him, tucking tail, or being timid as much. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is being prepared to face her, since we do live in the same town. Sometimes I just want to face her, I want to look her in the eyes, I don’t know if I just want her to see that I am a person with a soul, with emotions, with pain just like her, with frailty… longing to be truly loved (if she’s even capable of seeing beyond herself) or maybe possibly if I want to see her, that she is a person and not the monster I view her as or maybe she is the monster and it will just confirm the reality of it in my mind. (I’m going with option 2) Perhaps if anything, it’ll bring closure to the hell we’ve endured for what feels like a never ending nightmare.

Imagine this: Do you find that silence is deafening?  The absence of sound; The kind of silence that is creepy and almost mysteriously loud like right before something bad happens but you’re not sure what or when? That is how I feel about not being able to see or say anything to this woman.

I want to be bold like a lion. I want her to know that I am not afraid. I want her to know something she can not understand with words or silence, but only by a confrontation with our eyes.

Proverbs 28:1

“The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, But the righteous are bold as a lion….”
lions

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Want and Need.

tumblr_n4fnaz2DFY1txd1dco1_500Lust and Love. Desire. Need and Want. So many descriptions of the passion we share together. For someone with a desire almost twice that of a “normal” female. My need to be wanted is almost constant and in return I want to be needed. So many who find themselves in the BDSM world often have these feelings, thoughts and emotions that are deeper than anything they’ve ever felt or experienced; It’s much more amplified. We feel more, we strive more, we desire more, we need more, we lust more, we want more, we crave more and we sure as hell enjoy fucking more 😉 But most importantly, we love so much more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel there is any right or wrong way to live ones’ lives, But i’ve lived and loved both in a D/s dynamic and a “vanilla” marriage so this, of course, is based on personal experiences. I have always been an independent soul. I never cared who needed me or wanted me around because I never felt that I was wanted or needed by anyone. Not by my family or friends. I knew that when i’d leave or stay busy my phone would be silent and people would forget my existence until I appeared again. I was the type who did more than others ever did for me, but that’s just who I am in nature. It hurt don’t get me wrong to feel I was good enough to sleep with but never one to fall in love with. Eventually I gave up on fairy tale love. Then Master and I joined paths and here I am. There are times I don’t always feel that i’m wanted/needed, but it’s limited and I simply dismiss those thoughts into insecurities. When Master takes me in the middle of the night, or in the early morning hours or before we sleep, I can feel his need and desires throughout my body and not just by the marks he leaves on my skin that I adore. The way his fingertips both strongly grip and gently caress my skin. The way his lips cover every inch of my body, even the areas I hate to acknowledge. The way his legs intertwine with mine as we roll around passionately. The way his scent lingers on my skin hours after we’ve become one vessel for each other.

In return Dominants need and want in the same ways. Especially the ones who perhaps have that ‘lone wolf’ experiences. They need to be wanted too and want to be needed, otherwise why would they be a part of your life? It’s something I have to remind myself as well, especially when it comes to doing things for both myself and around the house. Master needs to know that he is a part of not only our dynamic as a whole but as a team. He needs to know that I want him to help me in many ways and need him to be apart of my life. Many feel that needs and wants are two different things, but they go so much in hand together. Much like D/s you cannot have one without the other.

Granted, with the TPE the power struggle is there and so very real to deal with and no dynamic is perfect. It takes YEARS and I do mean YEARS to find that balance and even then it has its slip ups. The key is not to give up on each other, however if it doesn’t work out to your ideals or dreams you cannot harbor anger or bitterness; Some things aren’t meant to be. I am not one of those subs who was lucky enough to find perfection right on the first shot. I have had my fair share of the wannabe-doms and online jerks. And Master well…. I’ll let him tell his own stories. We’re pretty fortunate and I count my blessings. Granted, there are days we have our slip ups and the foundations cave underneath us, but we fight for each other. Why? Because I need and want him and his needs and wants me in return. When two people have that part figured out, the rest is irrelevant.

Untame the tamed…..

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You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died…..

Today I find myself torn. Restless. Lost and uneasy. I woke up with an urge to hurt and inflict pain. Anger perhaps? I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. I had a somewhat semi-enjoyable birthday yesterday…. Not what I had imagined but better than years in the past. Being injured and unable to do much has really irked me. I am not happy with it, but I will deal as best as possible. Started eating my feelings and I don’t like it. Can’t work out my frustrations like normal, Especially now that I have the gym access thanks to the injury but oh well. I have this desire to bite into the meat and taste the flavors; The hint of blood that tickles my senses. I want to punch something until I can’t lift my arms anymore. I want to run until I puke and then keep going until i’m pouring with sweat. And when it’s all done I want to relax in a hot bubble bath filled with flowers, and surrounded by candles of the most luxurious scents to soothe my tormented soul.

Master has tried to appease my needs, I am so grateful for that, but there are days like today where I cannot get enough. The primal in me sometimes takes over and it’s conflicting. Yes, I want the fight and challenge. I want the rage and lust. I want the urge and the desire to overwhelm us. Yet at the same time I want the passion, the love, the tenderness, the gentleness and beauty of it. Somehow still feels like there’s no structure in my dynamic and the lack of ritual and protocols confuses me, but I make it a day to day thing as it seems day to day things always change.

Sometimes there are rules. Sometimes there is not. Sometimes we adhere to what he says we’re going to do, sometimes not. Regardless, i’m grateful that our schedules are a little more parallel for the most part and perhaps things will make more sense, but otherwise I still feel that lull that has been hovering for days. I can’t remember the last time we had a scene. I can’t remember what it’s like to be at a munch or play party. I hate that this town is so mundane and we must remain so secluded. I feel a little like the lion who’s forgotten the wild. I never was one to hold her tongue and “play nice”. But, with her and the way Master approaches things i’ve had to learn to do so and so the taming of the untamable seems to continue….

Perhaps it’s as it should be. I don’t know I just know that the more I feed my curiosity of my Primal and inner animalistic instincts the more I desire to fulfill them yet find that i’m the lion who’s in the zoo forgetting the call of the wild I once knew…

Beyond the Collar……….

Read an amazing article by http://asibdsm.com/beyond-the-collar/ that illustrated a perfect example of how mainstream society has only been able to see that living a healthy and happy BDSM lifestyle revolves around only the sexual part never mind the outside part. For example: One of our dynamics’ rules is that at work the roles aren’t there. Well, last night I was injured on duty and I called Master to let him know I was on the way to the hospital. He met me there and despite the both of us still being in uniform, our natural roles came out among us. A wolf concerned about his mate. A Sir worried about his little one; And when I began to get stubborn he turned into Master and I will do as Master says. I don’t ever like to feel like a burden and currently being injured and dependant on him it’s very frustrating for me, however, Master NEEDS to be taking care of me and I am slowly letting go of that urge to yank the wheel back from him and allow him to steer this vessel.

I emphasize this type of mentality so much because so many think submissives like me are incompetent and incapable. Masters ex has said that I am “abused” and I don’t respect myself because I consider myself owned property and whatnot. Which of course, many of us Subs knows otherwise. A common misconception and narrow minded judgement that will never cease to exist. We all lead normal lives, successful lives. We raise families and animals. We vote. We laugh. We have “vanilla” friends. We don’t always get spanked or have a scene every single day… Maybe sometimes, but not always. We are much more normal than so many could ever believe and I feel it takes a hell of a bigger person to be involved in a D/s lifestyle for all the reasons listed in the writings before this one. It’s not an easy lifestyle but it’s a fulfilling one.

Titles

I love you Master. You truly are amazing.

lyallbete

My little one recently wrote about what it means to be owned. She wrote this from her perspective as my submissive and asked if I would write from mine, so here it goes.

When someone assumes or is given a title, it means something. Whether it is Master, slave, Owner, pet, Dominant, submissive, Daddy, little. They all mean something. But what they mean to me could be totally different than what they mean to you. A perfect example is me calling my submissive “little one”. Some have taken this to mean that we are in a DD/lg dynamic when we actually have a D/s dynamic. I have my reasons for calling her that, they don’t come anywhere close to a DD/lg, but they are mine. Remember “my kink may not be your kink”. Yes, we are D/s but we also have an Owner/pet side. The responsibilities I have in both…

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Get Out Of The Way

Diary of a Married Woman

In the beginning, before we ever even spoke about D/s, I began the process of letting go, of empowering M. I listened to him and honored him in ways I’d taken for granted before. And after we did speak I about it, it seemed, in my mind, that I had some responsibility in helping him, in continuing to empower him. But, I had it wrong.

My job was to openly communicate with him. To share of myself and allow that to help him in his decision making processes. What I was doing was working against him for a while. Trying to conform him or us to some ideal in my head, clouding our path. Once I let go of that, and simply believed in him and in us, the journey truly began.

He never needed my help. He just needed me to get out of my own way.

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To Own or Not to Own… That is the question……….

I accidentally let it slip while at work last night when I was asked if I was married. I replied, “No, but my Owner-” and then corrected myself and stumbled a response than in my awkwardness seemed to scare them away.

Oops. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have made this mistake a time or two. However, this morning I began to think as I looked over the marks of ownership my Master left me from last night. So I ask of you reading this:

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

For me, personally, It means exactly as it sounds. Like you’d own a car or an animal. You must take care of it, nurture it, use it as you’d like in however you’d like, maintain its’ wellbeing, and of course when you’re with it; it’ll shine as you take such pride in it. Granted, human beings are different from that of a car, but the idea is the same. If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it.

Let me repeat that.

If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it. 

 I cannot stress how fucking TERRIFYING it is to truly submit to another and i’m almost certain Master feels the same way. Think about it. You are allowing someone else to take control of not just you physically, but your mind and heart. The decisions you’d have no issues, doing your own, are no longer yours to make. Meaning, if they do it in a way that you wouldn’t normally do, well too bad! It’s the rules now. (Now of course the limitations vary in each dynamic but this is just a perspective based on my own personal experience.)  The fear of getting it all very wrong is very real and can cause such turmoil in each other. However, it all comes down to trust. It’s all about knowing that the other person has the power to destroy you and everything you believe in, yet giving them the chance not to. Mistakes will happen so that is why so it’s so essential not to rush into this!!! Sub/Dom frenzy will be the death of a deep and meaningful D/s. There’s so much power exchange between each other. Granted again this is purely from my own experiences as a submissive, I’m hopeful Master could tell his side.

Many feel that D/s is a chance to fulfill the emptiness they have inside from a lack of whatever in their lives. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. You must be able to not only take care of yourself, but also be confident in yourself and happy with yourself. If you’re unable to do either how are you even possible to do that for another?!

“Ownership of another human being is both an honor and a responsibility. The honor is to be entrusted with another’s life by someone who, giving informed consent, makes an adult decision to allow their well-being to be in the care of another. The responsibility is living up to that trust, and making sure to take the appropriate care. Ownership is not something to take lightly by either party. For the one who would be owned, it requires a good deal of faith. For the one who would own another, it means being sure that your own person and affairs are in order.” –Cyd Athens

I’ve seen first hand what bad ownership can do to a submissive. They literally destroy that person past their foundation and core. You talk about abuse, it goes beyond abandonment and anguish. That person believed they had found happiness and not soon after was abandoned and left to fend for herself. It destroyed everything she believed in and the trust was almost irreparable. Again, that is why it’s essential not to rush things. Let them develop slowly and naturally don’t dive in head first at the deepest end of the ocean! Learn each other. Play with each other. Understand each other. It’s a way of teaching each other about one another, so that when you gain or relinquish that control you can do it knowing you’ve given them at least the basic tools to get the job done.

Here’s an example: In my dynamic, Master will prepare me some hot tea when I get home from shift in order to help with me not only relax enough to sleep but make sure my health is maintained since I am exposed to so many individuals that could be sick. In exchange I make certain Master’s coffee is always ready to go before he goes on duty so that I know he’s not only warm in the cold winter weather, but alert and somewhat awake so that he’s not at risk for sleepy mistakes out there.

See? Even the littlest things can mean so much when it’s done with care and concern. Ownership is just taking care of each other, regardless of the roles you play in your dynamic. Taking care of my needs doesn’t make him any less of a Master. There are those who have protocols in their dynamics that state the bottom/sub/slave must DO everything. Not knocking it at all if that is your dynamic. However, I have seen where the “Dom” will say that if a sub doesn’t do EVERYTHING, then their Dom is not a true Dom. I call bullshit. And this goes for the primal ones as well, to fulfill their needs includes caring for the needs of the ones who depend on you in your pack. Whether that need is sexual, play or health wise, as the Alpha you must make sure your pack is happy and well fed. Regardless if the responsibility is too much, there’s no shame in rejecting the request to own or be owned. Don’t risk it.

So… Again, I ask of you who read this….

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?