Once again, it seems life keeps taking us for a ride. I often pray that life will slow down just a bit and let us catch up. I’m sure many have heard the phrase,” Don’t get busy working while trying to build a life” or something along that line. Basically, that’s what has happened. Master and I are workaholics. We try not to admit and often strive not to be but when you love what you do and/or are good at it, it can easily whisk you away from your life. I’ve been involved in Law Enforcement for almost 7-8 years now and I love every moment of it. Just like my Master, I am constantly striving to learn more and achieve more. We both have such visions career-wise, it’s almost like a kid in a candy store with the “I want this!!”. However, in all relationships, no matter what type or style, you must nurture and care for them. Workaholics often find this as a challenge, and sometimes the love can be lost if not cared for. Master and I had a small downfall, granted not as ugly as the past but our dynamic was dying. For those who live a 24/7 D/s this is a struggle for many, especially if both are dominant personalities on the “outside” world. These personalities and responsibilities can be lost in translation with the dynamic you’re trying to build. The protocols, the kink (besides the sex- again BDSM is SO MUCH MORE than SEX!!!!)
On the outside I am a strong woman. One who didn’t need saving, but a woman perfectly capable of saving herself. I decided to be my own hero. I am continuously, even to this very moment, DETERMINED to be better than I was before. I want to be stronger, wiser, smarter, braver. A better shooter. Better educated. A better cook. A better lover. A better friend. Along with my lioness side, I am also a sub for my Alpha. I see him as a true Alpha in every aspect of life. Unlike the misconception many see, He is not controlling or mean; he doesn’t have to be. He is just pure man. A leader, and a compassionate and loyal Alpha to his pack. I am so lucky that he has accepted me in his life. Since Master carries a lot of pressure from his career, having great pleasure and a release when coming home is very important. As a couple we almost always stick together on everything, in and out of the bedroom. We believe in teamwork. Our roles in daily life are nothing short of doing our best and we pride ourselves on leading fulfilling and healthy lives.
Now that’s not to say mistakes aren’t made and issues don’t occur. Because they do. I’m learning shit happens. Things happen. Whenever I miss a workout, or eat too much, or drink too much or whatever, then oh well. It’s like congrats there’s about a million others who did it that day too. No biggie. Master is teaching me much more to be so hard on myself. I guess those spankings are finally paying off Sir?
While Master and I had hoped to be rid of a certain legal pain in the ass by now, Murphy’s Law has struck again and it’ll be a few more months until that occurs. I’ve been doing much better at handling things regarding her and so is Master. I don’t see him, tucking tail, or being timid as much. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is being prepared to face her, since we do live in the same town. Sometimes I just want to face her, I want to look her in the eyes, I don’t know if I just want her to see that I am a person with a soul, with emotions, with pain just like her, with frailty… longing to be truly loved (if she’s even capable of seeing beyond herself) or maybe possibly if I want to see her, that she is a person and not the monster I view her as or maybe she is the monster and it will just confirm the reality of it in my mind. (I’m going with option 2) Perhaps if anything, it’ll bring closure to the hell we’ve endured for what feels like a never ending nightmare.
Imagine this: Do you find that silence is deafening? The absence of sound; The kind of silence that is creepy and almost mysteriously loud like right before something bad happens but you’re not sure what or when? That is how I feel about not being able to see or say anything to this woman.
I want to be bold like a lion. I want her to know that I am not afraid. I want her to know something she can not understand with words or silence, but only by a confrontation with our eyes.