You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died…..
Today I find myself torn. Restless. Lost and uneasy. I woke up with an urge to hurt and inflict pain. Anger perhaps? I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. I had a somewhat semi-enjoyable birthday yesterday…. Not what I had imagined but better than years in the past. Being injured and unable to do much has really irked me. I am not happy with it, but I will deal as best as possible. Started eating my feelings and I don’t like it. Can’t work out my frustrations like normal, Especially now that I have the gym access thanks to the injury but oh well. I have this desire to bite into the meat and taste the flavors; The hint of blood that tickles my senses. I want to punch something until I can’t lift my arms anymore. I want to run until I puke and then keep going until i’m pouring with sweat. And when it’s all done I want to relax in a hot bubble bath filled with flowers, and surrounded by candles of the most luxurious scents to soothe my tormented soul.
Master has tried to appease my needs, I am so grateful for that, but there are days like today where I cannot get enough. The primal in me sometimes takes over and it’s conflicting. Yes, I want the fight and challenge. I want the rage and lust. I want the urge and the desire to overwhelm us. Yet at the same time I want the passion, the love, the tenderness, the gentleness and beauty of it. Somehow still feels like there’s no structure in my dynamic and the lack of ritual and protocols confuses me, but I make it a day to day thing as it seems day to day things always change.
Sometimes there are rules. Sometimes there is not. Sometimes we adhere to what he says we’re going to do, sometimes not. Regardless, i’m grateful that our schedules are a little more parallel for the most part and perhaps things will make more sense, but otherwise I still feel that lull that has been hovering for days. I can’t remember the last time we had a scene. I can’t remember what it’s like to be at a munch or play party. I hate that this town is so mundane and we must remain so secluded. I feel a little like the lion who’s forgotten the wild. I never was one to hold her tongue and “play nice”. But, with her and the way Master approaches things i’ve had to learn to do so and so the taming of the untamable seems to continue….
Perhaps it’s as it should be. I don’t know I just know that the more I feed my curiosity of my Primal and inner animalistic instincts the more I desire to fulfill them yet find that i’m the lion who’s in the zoo forgetting the call of the wild I once knew…