Some Dominant I am.


Lately things have been rough. It’s been one of those times where the hits just keep coming. It started out with a fight that hit me hard. There were things said, as usually happens when emotions are high, that hurt in ways that were not intended. The things that were said came out wrong, were said in such a way that they caused more hurt. Some Dominant I am.

As if the fight wasn’t enough, the lingering effects were and still are visible and felt. When I look in your eyes, I can see the sadness that you try to hide. I can feel how withdrawn you are when I touch you. It hurts. But what hurts even more is knowing that I am the cause of it. Some Dominant I am.

Because of my issues, because of how things were done. I tell you over and over that there…

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Knowing thy Alpha Self….

10676248_1515987115329452_7607792774893135236_nFinding out who you are…. Who you really are on the inside, is one of those many life lessons I feel that everyone experiences differently. Just as we heal or handle situations in different ways, we are discovering ourselves just as different. As time continues and we learn and grow our needs often fluctuate and vary. My primal side, I feel is growing more and more each day. This goes back to basic nature, our primal instincts, survival of the fittest. Even back when we were uncivilized cave people, women knew what they wanted in a man- the strongest, burliest most confident man with the physical and mental strength to slay a saber tooth, bring home a mammoth for dinner and of course the physical ability to throw them up against the cave walls and make them feel like a woman.

A strong Alpha always protects his keep

Confidence is perhaps the sexiest quality of an Alpha. You see it in His eyes. You hear it in His voice. You feel it when He touches you. It’s natural for them. A sub reacts instinctively to it; a sub will never give its best without it.  The power to command, the quiet confidence to know for sure that he will prevail, and the daring to go for it and take what he wants. A commanding presence even if he doesn’t know it. Fearlessness—or daring or courage even in the face of fear. He who dares, wins. Calm assurance. The absence of any hint of asking for a favor or appealing to pity. Directness. Activeness. Effectiveness. Not hiding behind a flirty exterior never daring to risk being direct…..

Life’s experiences and the will to make changes in yourself and your life surely can affect significant changes. I know that I myself have developed my own confidence and strength over the years, forcing myself to “feel the fear and (dare to) do (the scary things I passionately wanted to do) anyway”. And this has significantly affected the way others see me, as someone once pointed out to me, that in itself implies a strength of will that not everyone has. It seems easier to say what it isn’t than what it is. It is not directly related to appearance, or not obviously so to me, anyway. Confidence might be part of it, there are plenty of men who are positively brimming with confidence who do not move me at all. I flocked to the alpha male because it seems as though dominance is a part of it, but it seems to me to be the sort of unaffected, self-conscious awareness one might call “natural dominance” rather than the theatrical, affected, dominance I see in many  who call themselves a BDSM “Dom”.

Alpha isn’t something that you put on like a coat. You either have it or you don’t. You can’t fake a natural aggression or burning need to control…..

Like in the animal kingdom, we have alpha males and alpha females. Alpha Males and Females seem to fit together and make an unstoppable force, a valuable partnership. Even in a situation -like my workplace- where there is just an Alpha female and lots of females and no males these females will still look up to her and be in awe of the Alpha female, and vice versa for the male. People need alphas to lead and to look up to. The people who said it depends on the situation are right, it really does depend on the situation. I have been told a few times now that I am an Alpha Female and I have been aware of some kind of effect on men that appears to happen. Basically what my mother told me for years now that I “break men”. Probably why I also tend to be attracted to the typical Alpha Male type. I have also seen other Alpha Females at work and have noticed that they do have a definite effect on men, and an Alpha female will tend to be surrounded by beta males, but not so much be attracted to them, if that makes sense….. Now that can play a role of uncertainty in one’s relationship, as i’m finding out. However, a Dominant needs to be confident not only in himself, but in his dynamic; Insecurity can rattle each other to destruction…

I feel the Alpha Male should not necessarily look for his woman to make decisions, but always cherishes her input. He is able to move forward without needing her, yet does not without her. He listens, and remembers the little things about her because he cares and cherishes her, like a precious and rare item he holds close to his heart. He knows how to make her feel safe, and does those things every time. He intimately knows her fears and desires, not by mind reading, but by talking with her often, and really pays attention. He puts “knowing her” at the top of his priorities, and does things that shows he does, and frequently, daily, even hourly at times. He constantly chooses honor and respect not only her, but himself, for he knows that one must be able to take care of themselves before they are able to take care of another. Learning about my primal side has been quite the experience. I also have noticed that I am willing to comply if it is not asked/demanded in a demeaning way. If the request relates to my well-being, I do respond well. Unless, of course, it is something I really don’t want to do LOL, then I become a negotiator. With other men, I don’t allow them to order me around, it’s out-of-order and so not happening; but when the alpha comes out in Master, I become….Obedient. It’s like I have to obey, no question. I want to and need to obey in some primeval way and it feels good to do so……

Can’t save the damsel if she loves the distress……



There are so many “how-to” guides on BDSM and D/s and M/s and DD/lg and Master/Pet and this and that…. It’s really fucking hard to know exactly what is real and what is not. What is fiction and what is reality. I began to really think about this last night and this morning while my daily browsing of fetlife & facebook. So many misconceptions that are wrong regarding this lifestyle and the fundamentals of our community. Why? Yes FSOG and other related stories. Can you blame them? Yes and No. I say both because while the common sense dictates they are reading FICTION novels and should know it’s not based on the truth, to those who’ve never ever considered or thought of this lifestyle before may just not know any better. So their expectations are based purely on the fantasy of the stories and characters that they read. Unfortunately, that twists the truth in about a thousand different ways and thus the masses follow in a new direction away from that which is the truth and so the new “norm” is no longer as it was. Make sense? To know that the words “pussy, cunt, dick, sex, tits, ass and cock” are seen about a million times more than “love, passion, fulfill, respect,soul and devotion” is just proof when it comes to those who “write” about their submissive/dominance experiences. Granted the sex is amazing, at least in my dynamic, but that is not what we know our D/s is based on. To know that someone is protecting me, even when i’m perfectly capable of protecting myself. To know that he may tear my walls down in the most barbaric ways only to build me up to what I was meant to be, a stronger form of myself, that he knows I am capable of becoming. To learn to trust another soul and let go of the control that I often find that even I cannot always handle on my own. Not to say “thank you for letting me cum Sir” but instead “Thank you for teaching me and not letting me quit”. There are those who purely want only a sexual dynamic and that’s great for them! However, they call it for what it is not dress it up and call it something else. The best sex organ is the ears, and I say that because to have someone listen to you sleep at night, listen to you cry, listen to you laugh, vent and most of all, listen even when you say nothing at all….. That to me is by far the biggest turn on of all. And of course it should be reciprocated as well!! Perhaps that is why I find myself more and more attracted to the wolf-dom. The one who will nurture you, teach you, guard you, protect you, play with you, love you, and if need be remind you of your place should you get a wild hair up your ass…..

Things my Master is perfectly capable of, even when he relapses from time to time. We’re not perfect, but we try to be perfect for each other in our faults. There are times when even a kitten feels abandoned, neglected or like she’s one of many and it hurts. It hurts so bad, but as I said yesterday, I lick my wounds and press on. I’ve taught myself how to “self-heal” in my life. It’s not a bad thing to have, yet it feels as if it should be. Master said yesterday there was a sadness in my eyes and while I don’t see it, I feel it. Perhaps there is but as with all hurt in my life i’ve learned to load it into the rest of the baggage and forget it’s there until the next time I have to self-heal. The only difference is that this time I really am sick and tired of carrying these bags. I really am. I want to toss them over a mountain and let them be forgotten in the darkness of the hills. I want to free myself of it all but I was reminded that you can’t do that no matter how hard you try. The scars will last forever and so will the mistakes you’ve made in the past. While they may not define me, others will remind me. Speaking with another sub friend whom I consider a close friend; We’ve had such similar experiences it’s almost frightening. She and I both reflect in each and in ourselves what we’d like in our lives that it’s simple really, however, it’s perhaps best to leave such thoughts in a dream land. I’m learning one cannot focus and stress on the things they cannot control. You have to just let life be and let it take its course; Whatever that may be. Enjoy the here and now….. Deal with tomorrow when it arrives.

Brace yourselves….

*sigh* Here it comes folks. The lines will be drawn where the outside people will see us as either intriguing or disturbed…

They said the FSOG movie…

‘Promotes torture as sexually gratifying, graphic nudity, encourages stalking and abuse of power, promotes female inequality, glamorizes and legitimizes violence against women.’”

Seen here:

Releasing her from her cage.

From birth, I’ve been taught to be a strong, fierce, intelligent woman. I’ve always been self-determined, possessed a level of endurance that most people couldn’t fathom; Thus, when it came to my relationships, it was no different. I was the type-A personality, young career woman, no-disrespect-tolerating girlfriend that also loved sex and having a good time. I saw submission as a threat to my personal power and all of the descriptions listed above. Submissive women were weak, and I certainly was far from it. But then one day, I had an epiphany and realized I had been avoiding submission out of fear. Submission requires vulnerability and trust in the partner that you are yielding your authority to. I realized that the problem I was having with submission really had nothing to do with the concept, but rather the people and the men I was dealing with. It was not easy to submit to my lovers because frankly put, I feared what they would do if I gave them an authoritative position in my life. And let’s face it the men I had selected weren’t exactly leadership material and I don’t necessarily have the best track record. Regardless Master has so far (for the most part) been the only one who has been strong enough to take on such a burden, which I feel even that sometimes can be too much for one to bear. I am a walking and living contradictory-hypocritical-Frito-burrito of a mess. I am my own worst critic and enemy, however, I am my own motivator as well as my own coach. I have built myself up just to tear myself down. Why? I have no idea. I’m a pile of broken shards of glass that constantly cuts itself beyond recognition, yet if you place all the broken pieces together you get the beautiful mural of stained glass that you’d see in a church window somewhere. I lick the blood off of my wounds and smile, knowing a new scar is being added to the rest of my collection. My scars tell my story just as the ink on my skin for each one holds a special meaning to me no matter the circumstances in which they were created. There is many who may say that i’m damaged. i’m “fucked up”. Some may feel the need to use their diag-nonsense that they googled or discovered online to place a label on me with a mental health issue of some sort.

That’s fine. Let them. I don’t have the time nor a single fucks left in me to care.

As i’ve gotten older, i’ve become more secure with myself thanks to my submission, which has opened doors to my own soul in more ways that I could count. I tolerate less, and hold in less. I don’t lower my head as often nor do I ever show throat or cower beneath another. I have begun to let my primal side take over in a hunt or be hunted mentality. I made a promise to myself and I will keep reiterating that until it’s fulfilled. The past needs to remain in the past. Should an issue arise in the present, it does not matter where it originated from! A recent issue is a recent issue and anything before that must be let go of. I must deal with the here and now; All that which lies before me. Please don’t twist my words or thoughts, my intention is to always remember the lesson but not to dwell on the moment that keeps me fighting a losing uphill battle. Since I was a child, i’ve been fighting to survive, and i’ll be damned if i’m going to let the past continue to keep me caged. One of the greatest fears in the world, many don’t admit, is worrying about the opinions of others. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom. Buddha had actually called it the lion’s roar. When a person reaches an absolutely silent state he roars like a lion. For the first time they know what freedom is because now there is no fear of anybody’s opinion. What people say does not matter, whether they call you a saint or a sinner is immaterial. Once you’ve let that part free, it’s as if it was the gate on your cage has been unlocked, it’s now up to you to break loose and release the wild within you.

You were never born to be tamed. I was not born to roll over and allow my past, my struggles nor the words of another dictate how I was going to live my life. I wasn’t born to curl up and cry. I was born to fucking fight. I’ve endured pain and survived. I deal with my demons on a daily occasion and to allow anyone to tear me down is not what I was brought into this world for. I need to find myself again, that fighter I once was. The one who didn’t need to be saved. The one who could stand on her own and should another rise to the challenge then so be it but it was not what defined me. I recall the mentality of the past and yet I cannot seem to escape it no matter how hard I try.

I was looking so hard for another to fight for me when I had forgotten how to fight for myself. I need to remember how to do that in order to save myself and him. After all, how can I fight for another when I cannot even fight for myself? I need to remember to rely on myself and not let my anxiety take over as it’s doing once again. I need to be the phoenix I used to be. I need to remember how to know all the way deep down into my core that I am stronger than this. I know I am, I just need to remember how……


2012-11-16 09.06.01

As the new year continues on I am doing my best to maintain that promise I made to let go of the baggage of the years before. Some days are easier than others, while others can be quite the challenge. Deep down I still harbor the emotions of anger and rage; revenge and hate. However, I feel while those will probably remain for a long time to come, they’re easier to bear and keep silent and feel the desire to tame and strengthen myself. I am hoping to start back to training soon to strengthen my body to endure the daily workings of the everyday trials. I am also looking for other ways to do the same perhaps an art of the sort, I used to box as a kid and I really enjoyed that, but for me there wasn’t a structure or discipline that I needed like in other art forms. I also seek readings of the same which for me is hard because my squirrel-brain will take over and I struggle to maintain the attention span long enough to finish it through. Michael Makai’s latest book that Master purchased for me seemed to strike a chord I had forgotten about myself that I am a fighter and a warrior. I have continued to fight against the odds my whole life and I don’t mean that in any “light” manner. Many things i’ve endured in my lifetime is probably enough for a novel. I’ve been without food and shelter before. I’ve seen things I wouldn’t wish upon my own worst enemies. I have the scars to prove it. However, I kept pushing; even when inside my own soul I had already given up. There are times I think I shouldn’t even actually be alive yet here I stand. I am here for a reason apparently and while I don’t always know what that reason is I have to see it in a different light and make use of the time I have here. A warrior mind produces a fighting soul and a strong soul produces an even stronger body.

Now the question is where to start to feed my warrior mind…..