Like most women, I too struggle with self-esteem almost on a daily basis. I say “Almost” because when I’m at work and on-duty, worrying about how my figure looks is the last thing on my mind. When i’m at work, the only reference to my appearance I worry about is my command presence.
When i’m not at work, and the badge and uniform comes off, I see my figure in the mirror and the thoughts begin to flow through my mind. You ladies know which ones i’m talking about….
“Why can’t this tighten up faster?”
“What the hell is that?”
“I need to lose weight.”
“If only this would stay up”
“I need to do more (insert exercise here)”
“I miss my younger body”
I could go on and on….. I grab at my skin, I pull and push things into in the place they should be, and they flop back into place. Blah. It gets me down and I hate myself for it.
I shouldn’t think like this. No woman should. Hell, I used to look very different from I do now… And I worked really damn hard to get to a shape that I feel better in. I’ve gone to munches and play parties and large kink events and have been surrounded by curvier figured women who’ve embraced every inch of themselves and have this incredible amount of self-esteem that’s absolutely astounding to me. I have never had that. Perhaps years and years of failed relationshits and men who’ve treated me horribly. Women who’ve torn every inch of my being apart (like Master’s ex) for their own hatred and self satisfaction. My mother’s lovely phrase of “you’re getting fat”that I’ve been hearing since I was 16. I could go on for many reasons, but at the end of the day, only I am responsible for my own actions and happiness.
Master and I have a protocol/rule in place that says I am not allowed to speak negatively (at least out loud) about my body image. If so, I get spanked and not in a good way. It’s been a bad habit to break, but that’s not to say the thoughts don’t remain in my head. They are, however, a whole lot less frequent. In my journey not only in kink, but in life, i’ve begun to really love my own body; “Spots” is what I call them. Since embracing my kitten side my fur is that of a mau/leopard print. Her fur has places where the scars are hidden but equally still soft exterior. When I dress up or down I find myself more and more finding a way to love the imperfections of my own body in the same way I’ve learned to love the pieces of me I find perfect. I’ve learned to love the way my body seems to retain water and lose it in the same day. The way my eyes can turn deep brown to green all in one day. The way my hair may cooperate one minute and the next i’m frizzy like Mufasa. The way my long legs can appear sexy. The way I have huge boobs and no torso, so it’s as if my boobs sit on my ass lol. Either way I’m really embracing my figure and the parts of me I don’t like i’m actively doing something about so that way I can say that i’m TRYING to make the changes.
This self-esteem plays a vital role in my kink life. Master has learned this, and I didn’t realize it until he mentioned it to me. When it’s that glorious time of the month (that so many of us women despise) Master says that he will not do a scene with me. I wondered why (besides the obvious reason) but he states he knows that I feel yucky and bloated, and when I feel that way I often hate the way I look. He states he doesn’t want me worried about my body and unable to relax and enjoy the scene. I didn’t think of that way. So many of us see these images online of beautiful, perfect looking submissives who make BDSM look like a magazine. They have perfect teeny bodies and perfect hair and makeup. I’m sorry I look NOTHING like that during a scene. I am usually drooling, messy hair, makeup is smeared….. Not exactly “Cosmo” worthy. However, when i’m with my Master and we are in our own world, whether it is a scene or in public, I don’t think about how I look, because of how he loves me, that in itself radiates to how I look at myself.
I want to look good for my Master. I want him to be proud of me and to be proud to be seen with me. I want him to want to show me off like I want to show him off. I want to be his arm candy and then some. Hell, who wouldn’t want that!? And in order for that to happen, I need to build my self-esteem. Sexiness and confidence all come from the same place within you. It glows and it shows. So here’s to me embracing all that I am…And then some. Maybe a little more ink will help 😉