Learning to love my spots…

cristina moreno leopard3Like most women, I too struggle with self-esteem almost on a daily basis. I say “Almost” because when I’m at work and on-duty, worrying about how my figure looks is the last thing on my mind. When i’m at work, the only reference to my appearance I worry about is my command presence.

When i’m not at work, and the badge and uniform comes off, I see my figure in the mirror and the thoughts begin to flow through my mind. You ladies know which ones i’m talking about….
“Why can’t this tighten up faster?”
“What the hell is that?”
“Ew.”
“I need to lose weight.”
“If only this would stay up”
“I need to do more (insert exercise here)”
“I miss my younger body”

I could go on and on….. I grab at my skin, I pull and push things into in the place they should be, and they flop back into place. Blah. It gets me down and I hate myself for it.

I shouldn’t think like this. No woman should. Hell, I used to look very different from I do now… And I worked really damn hard to get to a shape that I feel better in. I’ve gone to munches and play parties and large kink events and have been surrounded by curvier figured women who’ve embraced every inch of themselves and have this incredible amount of self-esteem that’s absolutely astounding to me. I have never had that. Perhaps years and years of failed relationshits and men who’ve treated me horribly. Women who’ve torn every inch of my being apart (like Master’s ex) for their own hatred and self satisfaction. My mother’s lovely phrase of “you’re getting fat”that I’ve been hearing since I was 16. I could go on for many reasons, but at the end of the day, only I am responsible for my own actions and happiness.

Master and I have a protocol/rule in place that says I am not allowed to speak negatively (at least out loud) about my body image. If so, I get spanked and not in a good way. It’s been a bad habit to break, but that’s not to say the thoughts don’t remain in my head. They are, however, a whole lot less frequent. In my journey not only in kink, but in life, i’ve begun to really love my own body; “Spots” is what I call them. Since embracing my kitten side my fur is that of a mau/leopard print. Her fur has places where the scars are hidden but equally still soft exterior. When I dress up or down I find myself more and more finding a way to love the imperfections of my own body in the same way I’ve learned to love the pieces of me I find perfect. I’ve learned to love the way my body seems to retain water and lose it in the same day. The way my eyes can turn deep brown to green all in one day. The way my hair may cooperate one minute and the next i’m frizzy like Mufasa. The way my long legs can appear sexy. The way I have huge boobs and no torso, so it’s as if my boobs sit on my ass lol. Either way I’m really embracing my figure and the parts of me I don’t like i’m actively doing something about so that way I can say that i’m TRYING to make the changes.

This self-esteem plays a vital role in my kink life. Master has learned this, and I didn’t realize it until he mentioned it to me. When it’s that glorious time of the month (that so many of us women despise) Master says that he will not do a scene with me. I wondered why (besides the obvious reason) but he states he knows that I feel yucky and bloated, and when I feel that way I often hate the way I look. He states he doesn’t want me worried about my body and unable to relax and enjoy the scene. I didn’t think of that way. So many of us see these images online of beautiful, perfect looking submissives who make BDSM look like a magazine. They have perfect teeny bodies and perfect hair and makeup. I’m sorry I look NOTHING like that during a scene. I am usually drooling, messy hair, makeup is smeared….. Not exactly “Cosmo” worthy. However, when i’m with my Master and we are in our own world, whether it is a scene or in public, I don’t think about how I look, because of how he loves me, that in itself radiates to how I look at myself.

I want to look good for my Master. I want him to be proud of me and to be proud to be seen with me. I want him to want to show me off like I want to show him off. I want to be his arm candy and then some. Hell, who wouldn’t want that!? And in order for that to happen, I need to build my self-esteem. Sexiness and confidence all come from the same place within you. It glows and it shows. So here’s to me embracing all that I am…And then some. Maybe a little more ink will help 😉

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Dear Newly Submissive Married Woman,

OMFG yes!! Sub frenzy and Dom frenzy behold!’

The Submission of Elle

We need to talk; girl to girl, wife to wife, sub to sub. I have so much I need to tell you and you’ve been on my mind for a while. You deserve to hear the unadulterated truth about this new world you’ve chosen to pursue. It’s not as easy as being handed a key by your husband and unlocking a jewelry box filled with priceless gems. The overwhelming majority of you will have to carefully and strategically ease open this particular oyster that both you and your husband dug for together in order to acquire the precious pearl and you’ll have to use specific tools and techniques. Some of you may even open your own personal Pandora’s Box. Epimetheus insisted that his wife, Pandora, obey the letter of the label. Epimetheus left for a few hours, but Pandora’s gift of curiosity took over. The box was entrusted to them by Zeus, but she felt Zeus was wrong…

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As he sleeps…..



Does he know how much I care for him and for us? 

Does he feel me when I wrap my body around his.?

Can he hear my whispering prayers at night when I thank my blessings and ask for guidance to be a better submissive and woman as he deserves? 

Does he feel my lips gently kiss his beautiful face as I tell him,”Goodnight ‘Master, I love you.”?

Even though we sleep on a huge bed, and toss and turn all night, does he feel me reach for him with my feet or hands just so I can know he’s next to me when the nightmares hit? 

Does he sense my longing for him even when my skin is touching his? 

Can he hear my thoughts echo in the night when I remember all that we’ve been through and all that we have yet to endure? 

Does he wake up and know how much I hate myself when we fight but how much I’m willing to change and try because he’s worth every bit of effort? 

Does he still wish on the stars like I do? 

Can he still remember the very first night we spent together and feel the same all this time later?

As he sleeps, even right next to me……. I still look forward to seeing him in my dreams. 

And then the Alpha Female took lead….

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Yesterday, Master had a task list set for me yesterday that was filled with both everyday duties and a surprise of mani/pedi.

Say what!? Yep. He wanted kitten to be spoiled.

[insert glee and giddiness]

Afterwards we went lingerie shopping and he picked out some pretty lace items for kitten to wear. We came home where I gave him a full body message (with a happy ending of course) as my way to say “Thank you.”

Although it was relaxing to me to feel the soreness of life being worked out of my hands and feetsies, My mind continues to grow tired.

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She’s at it again. Yesterday I was followed home by her mother. (What are we 12!?) I brought it up to Master, but again it seems he feels powerless and stated he will not be doing anything about it.

I had hoped he would understand and see it from where I was coming from, that he swore to protect me against anything, but not her? Perhaps he’s used to that. That habit  with her, a fear, of not standing up to them. I understand he doesn’t want anything to do with her, so in return, he feels if he ignores her then he’s under the impression that will get to Her more than anything else. And granted with many things that is true. Trust me, i’d love to be able to just ignore this, and I have for months but it continues. I am not one to just ignore things and hope they go away…. I will MAKE them go away. It broke my heart to hear him say,”I can’t” and “I won’t.” I know in my case i’d do the Something about it if the roles were reversed. However, they’re not. I am used to protecting myself alone against harm, it’s what I’ve known my whole life. I’m going to not hold this against him though. I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do on their own, that is not who I am. I know in my heart he’d still protect me in other areas and places when he can. I grew up never needing a hero or to be saved…. It was very clear that women like me couldn’t be saved. We weren’t damsels in distress, we created our own distress. We became our own heroes. We dreamt of having a warrior to stand beside us in the battle of life. But then I stopped allowing myself to dream, because it was more painful to long for things and never get them than to deal with whatever was in front of me. I’m too old to hear nonsense anymore. Too old to believe that everything will be alright…. I just need action over words and to stop expecting for things to happen to me because i’d do it for others. I just need to let life continue with its course, both the good and the bad.

The mutt knows somethings wrong. All day i’ve been on the brink of crying and anger. I’ve sat in silence. Haven’t said but maybe two words. I let the music of peace fill the house loudly. The day’s weather reflects my moods switching between bright snowfall and dark rain fall. Yet, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t sleep. He watches me with concerned eyes. He’s not next to me like usual, no. He’s across the house near the front windows. Protection. He has it.

My friends i’ve vented to all say I need to have patience and understanding and I do. They all ask why nothing can be done, and I reply I don’t know. I started to wonder if perhaps he still loves and cares for her…. They ask if i’ll be alright and of course I will be. I don’t know what else to be. They ask if Master and I will be alright and I reply…. Of course we will be. Despite moments like this, He’s MY owner. I wouldn’t have it any other way….

I know i’ve been wanting another firearm to add to my everyday carry goodies, but I’m thinking right now, i’m going to add more ink. My fetlife name is “kittenwithink after all and the pain of the needle is what i’m needing. That pain to lift from my soul and tired heart. That pain to be released. I want to have some kind of reminder that while the wounds heal, they don’t disappear forever I carry them everywhere, always, and that is the way of things, the way of scars.
That is what this tattoo will be, for me: a scar.

Let’s get it on!!!!!

#warriorwisdom from Master. law enforcement or not it’s a good mentality to possess. Thank you Master for reminding me what I know true in my heart.

lyallbete

It’s a thought that every warrior has. One that rolls thru your mind whenever you know a fight is coming. But it’s more than JUST a thought, it’s a visceral reaction. One that causes your gut to roll and your body to start getting pumped. All you can think is “Let’s get it on. Let’s get this over with.”

It’s a feeling of fear and anticipation mixed with a sense of excitement. You KNOW the fight is coming, you just don’t know from WHERE or WHEN. There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you’re afraid. Just know in your heart and set it in your mind that if you are attacked, you will respond quickly and violently to protect yourself. In the dynamics of a fight, rules go out the window. All that matters is survival.

Now, in the profession that my little one and I are in, we are…

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