Yesterday, Master had a task list set for me yesterday that was filled with both everyday duties and a surprise of mani/pedi.
Say what!? Yep. He wanted kitten to be spoiled.
[insert glee and giddiness]
Afterwards we went lingerie shopping and he picked out some pretty lace items for kitten to wear. We came home where I gave him a full body message (with a happy ending of course) as my way to say “Thank you.”
Although it was relaxing to me to feel the soreness of life being worked out of my hands and feetsies, My mind continues to grow tired.
She’s at it again. Yesterday I was followed home by her mother. (What are we 12!?) I brought it up to Master, but again it seems he feels powerless and stated he will not be doing anything about it.
I had hoped he would understand and see it from where I was coming from, that he swore to protect me against anything, but not her? Perhaps he’s used to that. That habit with her, a fear, of not standing up to them. I understand he doesn’t want anything to do with her, so in return, he feels if he ignores her then he’s under the impression that will get to Her more than anything else. And granted with many things that is true. Trust me, i’d love to be able to just ignore this, and I have for months but it continues. I am not one to just ignore things and hope they go away…. I will MAKE them go away. It broke my heart to hear him say,”I can’t” and “I won’t.” I know in my case i’d do the Something about it if the roles were reversed. However, they’re not. I am used to protecting myself alone against harm, it’s what I’ve known my whole life. I’m going to not hold this against him though. I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do on their own, that is not who I am. I know in my heart he’d still protect me in other areas and places when he can. I grew up never needing a hero or to be saved…. It was very clear that women like me couldn’t be saved. We weren’t damsels in distress, we created our own distress. We became our own heroes. We dreamt of having a warrior to stand beside us in the battle of life. But then I stopped allowing myself to dream, because it was more painful to long for things and never get them than to deal with whatever was in front of me. I’m too old to hear nonsense anymore. Too old to believe that everything will be alright…. I just need action over words and to stop expecting for things to happen to me because i’d do it for others. I just need to let life continue with its course, both the good and the bad.
The mutt knows somethings wrong. All day i’ve been on the brink of crying and anger. I’ve sat in silence. Haven’t said but maybe two words. I let the music of peace fill the house loudly. The day’s weather reflects my moods switching between bright snowfall and dark rain fall. Yet, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t sleep. He watches me with concerned eyes. He’s not next to me like usual, no. He’s across the house near the front windows. Protection. He has it.
My friends i’ve vented to all say I need to have patience and understanding and I do. They all ask why nothing can be done, and I reply I don’t know. I started to wonder if perhaps he still loves and cares for her…. They ask if i’ll be alright and of course I will be. I don’t know what else to be. They ask if Master and I will be alright and I reply…. Of course we will be. Despite moments like this, He’s MY owner. I wouldn’t have it any other way….
I know i’ve been wanting another firearm to add to my everyday carry goodies, but I’m thinking right now, i’m going to add more ink. My fetlife name is “kittenwithink“ after all and the pain of the needle is what i’m needing. That pain to lift from my soul and tired heart. That pain to be released. I want to have some kind of reminder that while the wounds heal, they don’t disappear forever I carry them everywhere, always, and that is the way of things, the way of scars.
That is what this tattoo will be, for me: a scar.