Spring.

originalSpring has arrived in our home. I have to admit, so far it’s been my favorite season. It’s that time of year where it’s not too cold to need the heater on, but it’s just cool enough to have a light blanket on the bed. Since the rule is that I am to sleep with only undies on, it’s so relaxing for me. The silk sheets on my skin, as the early morning cool air fills our room. I love having a window open, for the scent of the early dew filled fresh air is so inviting. The wind chimes on my back porch are subtle and comforting in the breeze, as the early morning birds begin their songs to welcome the day. Our bedroom is dark and quiet, the only sounds I hear is my Master breathing as he slumbers and I can’t help but cuddle his warmth, kiss the back of his neck gently, whisper to him how much I love him and just sigh with absolute contentment.

It’s Mornings like that, i’m fortunate to have had lately. Probably why I’ve slept so well too! For the two of us who suffer from sleep issues for so many years, being able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time is such a welcoming new habit. Granted, it’s shifted a few of our other activities such as the gym, but sleep always outweighs the gym. We just need to reevaluate how we divide our time. Rest is important to the D/s life. You cannot be a good dominant or submissive if you’re exhausted in every possible way. Physical fitness is essential in our careers for my Master and I, and as of late, it’s starting to be of a concern to me, seeing as how we have goals we’d like to start accomplishing in the near future. With the daylight savings change, I am going to start looking at our schedules and see if Master will allow some changes. With our dynamic, I am becoming more and more comfortable in letting Master make the decisions. I no longer feel as if i’m the one taking control when I suggest or speak of my needs and/or wants. I saw a quote recently that just made perfect sense to me.

Be honest about what you want. If you truly want to submit to someone, then you have to stop playing games. You’re an adult. Use your words. Express what you want… how you envision your relationship – your dynamic – with a dominant… what you need in regard to guidelines, and consistency, and follow-through. Tell him what you need from a dominant partner. Tell him what you’re going to commit to in the partnership.

And then fucking do it.

Tell me that doesn’t just make absolute perfect sense?! My Master is no mind reader, no matter how well I may think he knows me or pays attention to me. Granted, he can foresee a lot of things, but not everything. It is my duty as his submissive to make sure that he is aware of things, simply out of respect for him. It’s not me being bossy or annoying, but simply giving him the heads up instead of being blindsided. For example: My menstrual cycles. I’m damn near 30 years old and it’s still a taboo subject for me (I blush when I speak with master about it.) but when I ended up in the hospital unconscious, Master was able to tell the doctors what was going on with me and why I was bleeding so heavily and etc… Had I not let my Master know all the nitty-gritty intricate details about me, health wise including, he would not have been able to give that info, and it would’ve been very disastrous for me. And if it had been, what kind of submissive would that make me to have put my Sir through that?! See my point? Again, a submissive is the direct representation of their owners. Whiny, disobedient, disrespectful and evasive submissives mean bad dominants, and no one wants to be seen as such.

These are lessons we learn as we grow and gain confidence in ourselves and each other. I can sit here and write about every lesson in detail, but until you really experience them for yourselves, that “Ah-ha” moment, it really won’t sink fully in. I can only hope they inspire you as so many have inspired me. I won’t lie, it’s really difficult to be going through our experience solo, since we moved away from our community. The support they gave us was so essential and truly missed. Fetlife is still there, but it’s just not the same. I only wish Master was as active as I am on there, but regardless it makes this upcoming trip worth that much more. As busy as we are, I must remember that my Master deserves my best and yes, my worst, but even at my worst he will always have all of me.

  

We celebrated our anniversary recently. While we have known each other for so much longer than many realize, I have been his since the day he took me into his arms. The day he had me kneel before him while he placed my collar around my neck was the moment I truly became His. 

We’ve spent some time reflecting of our Journey between the chaos of everyday life. Between increased violence on duty for the both of us, our stress levels have just about maxed out. Emotionally and mentally we’ve been worn. Moments like this does create chaos in the home and within our dynamic but we worked our way through it. He is always worth it. I want him in my life and I choose him day in and out. 

As I lay next to him, I giggle to myself; i’m wide awake and he’s snoring loudly. My side of the bed is cold, I’ve got the covers thrown off with the fan on and he’s turned up his heating blanket and bundled under the covers.  There are moments like these that we are so completely different. Yet there are times we are so completely the same. We both have the same silent fears and worries that are never expressed. Throughout the years we have changed individually and together, all while building something new and just for us. 

My BDSM journey has molded and changed dramatically since I first entered the scene but my passion only continues to grow. I’m so fortunate to have a partner and Master like mine to join me in this experience. 

We make mistakes. We make memories. We create moments and explore each other. We break down walls and engulf ourselves in a fiery and fierce expression of love and devotion.

Today we spent the latter of the day running errands and what not. But the highlight of it all was being with my Master and holding my head high so that my collar is displayed proudly. I am the direct representation of my owner and he deserves the very best from me. 

I’m counting down the days until the upcoming event that will refuel my submissive soul. Reassuring my own needs and my Master as well I hope. I think master wanted to scene tonight but we are both still so very tired from the last few days. Perhaps soon. The regularity of a scene can do the mind and body good. 

Weeeeeelllll. Master rolled over and pulled me into him. I know what that means !!!

Time for kitten to get some sleep.  

 

Damaged. 

Exhausted minds are playgrounds for the demons who feed on your fears. Too tired to fight back. They breed on those dark thoughts during those few hours of rest and manipulate your perception. Tired eyes reveal and mimic before you the vision of the very nightmare you just escaped from. 

Exhaustion now turns into aggressive and frustration. The primal instincts kick in to protect ones self when the forethought returns of that old feeling you hate the most. 

And you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Because when you behave like this, it ALWAYS drops. 

The pain and the hurt matches the soreness in your body. 

So here I am once again. 

Damaged body. 

Damaged goods. 

Damaged soul. 

Damages girl. 

  

Brotherhood

lyallbete

Tonight I was in the middle of the darker side of my chosen profession. A brother has fallen. I wasn’t there when he fell, but I was there for his brothers in the immediate aftermath. It was humbling and EXTREMELY sobering. I have been on their end of things and it is pure hell.

At first you feel like you’re floating. Nothing seems real. You don’t feel anything. You don’t feel the bumps, bruises, or even broken bones. You don’t feel the heat or the cold. You’re just……..there. Then the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start feeling all the physical pain. The exhaustion, sprains, strains, bruises, and tweaks that happened in the middle of the most terrifying time of your life.

That’s when the real nightmare begins. It finally sinks in that one of your brothers is no longer with you. He won’t be at your back the…

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Shenanigans and fun

hehe you’re welcome Master xo

lyallbete

Yesterday was St. Patrick’s day. A day of fun and drink. A day that I haven’t enjoyed in YEARS!!!! But, yesterday was different. My little one and I have spent the last three days together just being us. We worked around the house, we went out and had fun, then came home and made a wonderful dinner together on Sunday and Monday nights. It was VERY relaxing.

Then, there was last night…….WOW is all I can say!!!!! During our days off, we had a really intense scene that left both of us floating well into the next day. Yesterday was a little different. We laid around naked for most of the day and played with each other in between naps. We laughed and joked like we used to. It was WONDERFUL!!!! Then, as evening came around, we decided that we were going to go out for some fun. We didn’t…

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The “H” word. 

One of the greatest feelings in the world is feeling wanted and needed by the same person.

I’m very fortunate. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard new subs who fantasize the whole D/s relationship (even if it is the horrid fifty shades scenarios) and I think to myself………….. I’ve got that. I’m living that life. Granted, it’s not all hearts and flowers or all whips and chains. It’s not always a good day and it’s not always a bad day. Despite it all, I have someone to come home to and serve. I have a Master who tries day in and out to nurture my growth, keep me safe, to the best of his abilities and allow me to be the meal of his choice to feed the primal hunger within him.

I noticed this over the last few days. I’ve been fighting a cold and decided to call in sick on Sunday. It was just what WE needed. We’ve spent the last few days not only doing things around the house, we got to escape life for a bit and have fun in the sun with each other. We cooked. We slept in. We cleaned house. We had a lot of play time and scene time. We drank. We danced. We shared stories. We laughed and had amazing sex. We just enjoyed each other like we used to. It was amazing. Last night was St. Patrick’s Day, and we decided to go out and celebrate. I did not get all fancy, but I was getting hit on by some old creepy guy. It was a turn on for me to see my Master become possessive. Many don’t like that, but for a subbie, to have their owners claim that which belongs to them in such an open forum is a proud moment. In a way it is to say,”This is mine. You cannot have her. You’re going to have to fight your way through me first.” It doesn’t happen as often as i’d like but when it does, I purr……

There were a few things we didn’t get to do together as I had hoped, however there will be more chances. I missed just being us. Not being wrapped up in everyday crap. All of my life I yearned to have someone who wanted to be with me, not choose their careers over me and vice versa. I wanted someone who would rather spend time with each other and doing things together. Not at work or other useless things like that. I can be a workaholic. But why work your life into the ground when someone is a part of your life and WANTS to spend that life with you? Humans weren’t made to work. I don’t want to compete with someone’s job just to spend time with them. If that’s the case, then I’ll just live life alone yknow? It took me a long time to figure that out. Perhaps why I don’t push so hard on my career anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but i’m not going to revolve my life around it anymore. I want a life. I want to love. I want a home and a family. I want to be happy. Work will always be there, life however does not wait for anyone.

Have scenes again with Master on a regular basis has done wonders for us both mentally and dynamically. That consistency I’ve been craving is really helping my PMDD as well as my obedience with Master. Little changes like that puts my mind at ease at work as well as home. It makes me feel needed and wanted. He’s continually pushing my limits and it makes me feel proud again as well! The kink event is approaching closer and i’m so eager for it. There is a stressful couple of weeks that will occur sooner and while i’m very nervous about it, I hope that Master and I will not buckle under its weight. My demons are going to have a field day if we do……

I just need to remember to hold tightly onto my collar and remind myself that I am His and that I am safe. I am owned and I am loved. I am His.