How To Love A Broken Person….

I just discovered this on Fetlife and the Author said it PERFECTLY. So perfectly in fact, I currently have tears silently falling down my face…..  For My Master:

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“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. No matter how much love you give me, you cannot fix that hurt. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. It is easier to drift into the darkness than it is to fight for every second in the light.

I`m sick. I think I always will be. Sometimes knowing you are in my life and feeling that I made you stay in my life is the most painful thing of all. You could have found someone beautiful, thin, less bratty, and better than me. And all you got was me and all my jagged little pieces. You got a bag full of glass shards instead of a beautiful crystal vase. You hate the people who made me feel this way. You hate the things that were done to me. You made a shit list for those who hurt me. Many others have been angry at those people too. It doesn`t change the things that have happened to me. It just makes me feel guilty for making you mad. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and that is a wonderful gift. I know I frustrate you. I frustrate me too. I sit inside my body and beat against it like a cage and scream at myself to snap out of it! I try to lower my walls to let you in and accept that you care for me. I try to lower my walls and let you in. But I don`t know how. So I obsess over my weight, I obsess over my animals, my hobbies, and everything else that I can obsess over so that I don`t have to face how broken I am on the inside.

So how can I be loved then?

Sometimes the most comforting thing you say is that you don`t know. Because too many have held out false hope that everything would get better and it doesn`t, it gets worse, and I end up floundering. Sometimes the best thing to say is that you will be there for me when I get to the other side. Sometimes the best thing to do is to put faith in me that I can deal with my demons. Maybe it makes those moments when I am me all the better for you. Maybe it makes my smiles mean more when they are so rare. Maybe it makes you admire me more when you see the struggles I face. But no matter how much you tell me I am worth it to you, no matter how much you say you care, I won`t believe it for a long while. The way you can love the broken person I am is by being patient, and being steady and strong, and knowing that I am giving everything I have to you, even though right now that gift is not a whole lot…” – Just_Pixie

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[No Title…… Because My brain is scattered]

Recently I came to realize that sometimes you are not enough for someone………

Maybe you don’t know why you are not enough.
Maybe you are not pretty enough
Or
Smart enough.
Maybe you are not funny enough, Or maybe you are enough. Perhaps it’s just that the sum of your parts are not enough.

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Regardless, the fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden……

It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy.
It makes you human.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.
During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around
And that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.
Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things
That makes the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are,
And they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect,
And, still be deserving of compassion and kindness and love.

Basically, kick self doubt in the balls really hard. It’s hard to move forward, but I won’t be leaving my Master behind. So I’ll wait until he is ready… until the next time he needs a break and then i’ll wait once again.

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Sigh.

Communication, the most important part of D/s yet the easiest to forget to do. I chose to speak up. You chose to listen and understand.
I chose to cry. You chose to hold me and wipe away my tears.
You chose to explain instead of excuses. I chose to accept.
You chose to apologize. I chose to forgive.
I chose to trust. You chose to care.
I chose to stay. We chose to try.
We chose each other.
I hope we always choose each other………….

Security…..knowing that she is His

There’s that song everyone loves…

I know I do…

Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking out loud”


It’s a beautiful song, gives me warm fuzzies thinking of it. It’s a great lesson and one I think every couple should adhere to. Women… You see we are fickle creatures. We love knowing that the person who shares our lives with us, is preaching it loud and proud. We want someone to be happy that they’re with us, and not be afraid to say it. Little things here and there that say out loud to friends, family, Facebook world and co-workers, that their partner is just down right awesome and here’s why.

I do it for my Master all the time on both of our Facebook pages and just to everyone.

But that is me.

I am slowly learning however that not everything will be reciprocated and well you can’t expect others to always do for you as you would do for them. If so, you’re in for a big heartbreak the rest of your life.

The rain is falling and I’m just very tired lately. I want to sleep but cannot actually do so. I close my eyes, but I do not rest. I am feeling a bit out of place. I miss, but do not feel missed. Not everyday is bad, but it isn’t good either, it’s just another day. A blur, if you may of day to day survival. No routines aren’t helping, but the feeling of a mundane-ness of it is there.

I am just tired and perhaps tomorrow will be different. I push on and carry on because that is what good girls do.

But depression is a mother fucker. So here I am……

I hate him. 

  

I hate him. Them. All of the ones who have left their marks on my soul (and some on my body) which has destroyed my perceptions and self esteem in so many ways. Years of lies, deceit and pain from the the ones who led me to believe they would only care for me and never allow me to feel any hurt or let any tears fall from my eyes. Because of those in my past, my future has become an obstacle and has made me someone I’m not always proud of or happy to be. I have habits, demons and nightmares that make me hate myself sometimes. I punish the ones closest to me subconsciously and i can’t help but want to hate myself even more. The vicious circle continues …….
And I feel utterly powerless to stop the snowball effect it has at times. 

The other day I watched Master go thru his things he received from Her. My mind fluttered as I wondered what he felt as he went through years and years of memories stored away for who knows how long. I wondered what he felt? My curiosity knows no limits. Of course she left little hints here and there for him, a couple of old memories together and while it cut me deep inside, it was a life before me. I have memories of a life before him. I watched as he lit a match, and set a fire to his past, not saying a word as the ashes blew away in the wind. It took me back to my own little burning when I divorced. I burned photo after photo, documents, letters, cards, everything that reminded me of the past. I didn’t love my ex-husband. That I know now, but I do know with all of my being that I love my Master. He’s my best friend. My lover. My Mate. My Alpha. My mentor. My teacher. My rock. 

When the past creeps up and tears my own self conscious apart I feel awful to see what I am putting him through, yet so powerless to stop it. There is so much pain and hurt in my past, beyond that of some heart break of failed relationships. I was beaten without my consent. I was verbally abused. I was raped and have believed for years I am nothing but damaged goods. 
But My Master still loves me beyond it. 
I don’t know why. 
But he does. 
I think he’s fucking crazy for doing so. To this day I think he got the shitty end of the deal being stuck with someone like me. I’m nothing like Her. She’s educated. I’m not. I can’t help but compare myself to her even though I feel sorry for her delusional soul. Yet the demons, they flourish on this crap and I feel myself almost enslaved to the haunting of the visions of my worst memories. They haunt my dreams so vividly I don’t remember the punches that are thrown and the tears that are shed, every single night by me. My pride says I’m going to get myself through this since I’m the one who did this to myself. I feel I’m beyond the help of some Freudian graduate who’s going to hear me talk at $300 an hour and had absolutely NO idea what it’s like to endure the most terrifying moments no one should ever experience. To know what it’s like to feel helpless underneath a stranger. To feel defenseless, surrendered against your will. To feel damaged and ugly from the inside out, no matter what anyone says. To feel abandoned by everyone who said they would never let anything happen to you. 

If only I could set my past on fire completely, watching it finally disappear from my soul as it escapes along the wind…… 

Collaring ceremonies.

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When my Master placed his collar on me, I didn’t have a big fancy ceremony. It was just the privacy of the two of us. Some have ceremonies, some do it in front of friends (or family) Either way, it’s a wonderful experience! The above link is to an article of a ceremony that I saw on a FB group i’m apart of. It’s something I think I would like should Master and I ever decide to have a formal ceremony…

Cinco.

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Today in nerd land- is what we lovingly call “Revenge of the Sith”. Odd I know… considering most people only recognize today for being “Cinco De Mayo”. Both are fun holidays whether you celebrate them or not. If you didn’t know about either one, well………. you’re welcome.

Either way you plan to celebrate just make sure it’s done safely. My energy levels are still slugging along, I wish I had more energy as I did just two weeks ago, however I am just exhausted still from being sick. It was a fight to get my meds and now I find myself wanting to only sleep, however, responsibilities echo relentlessly day in and day out in my head. I need to get back to my routine, my daily in and outs and get back to being productive. Master has expressed concern, as if I over do it (as usual) that i’ll relapse and develop full on pneumonia that much easier. But I can’t help it. I am exhausted just writing this but my brain is screaming at me, saying how I need to get my fat butt off the couch and get to doing what needs to be done.

The struggle is real, and the issue is real as well. When does a submissive know when to stop? When she has reached her limits? They say,”You just know…” But I know I know, yknow? Get that? No? Me either.

Maybe i’ll take a nap. Maybe not. As long as I get things done, what more can I do? I want to be productive and meaningful to my owner. It’s the weird and needy desire, but it works for us. I need him and want him, I want to be needed and wanted in every possible way as well. I also need to prove myself worthy of such as well. I need to push myself and be better than i was yesterday. Granted, I am not in competition with anyone else but myself, and I strive to be better than I was and ever will be. I know I have it in me, I just need that drive and push and motivation. C’mon, body time to pull yourself together….

I want to push farther and harder in my career.
I want to really try harder at work now.
I want to really commit and push myself at the gym
I want to be a better at domestic servitude at home.
I want to be better at my own self confidence and body imagery.

Daily positive affirmations. My mother says them often, perhaps I should start doing the same.

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I wonder if there are any BDSM or D/s lifestyle specific affirmations out there? If not, perhaps Master can help me develop some. I know that everything is mind over matter, and if I can tweak how I think and process my own thinking, perhaps I can really accomplish things easier and find it easier to commit and push myself to strive above and beyond.

May the Fourth……

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Today is a special holiday for nerds like me. I am a huge/big Star Wars Fanatic. So naturally today I embrace the Dark Forces with great pleasure…..

Another doctor visit as well, turns out Walgreens is a bunch of douchebags who feel it’s okay not to notify the patient, that if the prescription they’ve dropped off is no longer in stock, they just don’t tell you a thing. This prescription was supposed to help me overcome this illness but noooooo.

Either way Master and I got it done, and I hope I am finally on the mend. I feel ugly, fat, useless and above all annoyed with myself. I feel like a lump today. Which sucks because I don’t want to feel so yucky. I love to feel needed and wanted and today I feel none of those things. Blah. Either way, Master and I were able to take care of things today so now it’s back to resting and enjoying the storms that are teasing my senses. More and more I feel nature’s surge through me, and my senses taste the moisture in the air. At night I lust for the desire from the moon, however, I find myself curling up alone. It happens, I know. It’s something i’m used to as my own drive for sexual desire, even when I am sick, is more than others. It always has been, I’ve got the drive of a teenage boy who has just discovered their hormones. Meh. It is what it is, i’ll get over it. I know once I can get back into my routine, I can refocus that energy and put these random listless thoughts into actual use.

Until then…………….

May the Fourth be with you.

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