I just discovered this on Fetlife and the Author said it PERFECTLY. So perfectly in fact, I currently have tears silently falling down my face….. For My Master:
“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. No matter how much love you give me, you cannot fix that hurt. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. It is easier to drift into the darkness than it is to fight for every second in the light.
I`m sick. I think I always will be. Sometimes knowing you are in my life and feeling that I made you stay in my life is the most painful thing of all. You could have found someone beautiful, thin, less bratty, and better than me. And all you got was me and all my jagged little pieces. You got a bag full of glass shards instead of a beautiful crystal vase. You hate the people who made me feel this way. You hate the things that were done to me. You made a shit list for those who hurt me. Many others have been angry at those people too. It doesn`t change the things that have happened to me. It just makes me feel guilty for making you mad. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and that is a wonderful gift. I know I frustrate you. I frustrate me too. I sit inside my body and beat against it like a cage and scream at myself to snap out of it! I try to lower my walls to let you in and accept that you care for me. I try to lower my walls and let you in. But I don`t know how. So I obsess over my weight, I obsess over my animals, my hobbies, and everything else that I can obsess over so that I don`t have to face how broken I am on the inside.
So how can I be loved then?
Sometimes the most comforting thing you say is that you don`t know. Because too many have held out false hope that everything would get better and it doesn`t, it gets worse, and I end up floundering. Sometimes the best thing to say is that you will be there for me when I get to the other side. Sometimes the best thing to do is to put faith in me that I can deal with my demons. Maybe it makes those moments when I am me all the better for you. Maybe it makes my smiles mean more when they are so rare. Maybe it makes you admire me more when you see the struggles I face. But no matter how much you tell me I am worth it to you, no matter how much you say you care, I won`t believe it for a long while. The way you can love the broken person I am is by being patient, and being steady and strong, and knowing that I am giving everything I have to you, even though right now that gift is not a whole lot…” – Just_Pixie