Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

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So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

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Faith and Religion…..

It’s been some time since I’ve jotted my mind down. Not too much has occurred or changed. Same daily stress, but nothing that I cannot tolerate. I’ve grown a little more each day, as has Master. We’ve slowly fallen out of the routine, but at least we acknowledge it. We know that we do better with consistency and routine, however, some things have stepped in the way again. The difference this time is that we are aware and have decided to defeat any evil that wants to arise together. Realizing this, has made the ups and downs almost unnoticeable, which I must admit, is a nice change. Reminders that we are in fact a team, a pack. He is my Sir, and I am His.

Recent changes: Master and I both were recently inked together. Don’t misunderstand me now, I don’t mean we had matching tattoos or anything. I’m too superstitious for that. But we did endure a few hours work sitting side by side and it was incredibly erotic. For being a lover of impact play and primal aggression, enduring the pain for hours of intense pain placed me in a world closer to that of a sub-space. Indescribable chills upon my skin and between my thighs. Watching my Master watch me placed me in a world of sensations I almost had forgotten. Of course now with the new ink it will be a short while before we are able to play in ways that we enjoy most. These new symbols that will be with us forever each fit us into who we are and who we have become.

The one thing that I have had……….I don’t want to say “difficulty with”…. But have had uncertainty, I guess you could say, is my beliefs. My faith. I was raised in a home of catholic faith. I made it as far as confession, but never was actually confirmed. So in tradition, I am pretty much damned to hell. Or purgatory? (Which by the way, is an awesome resort.) However, due to recent inner revealings and discoveries I have found that while I will always love God and the things I was taught and have relied on, I feel like perhaps there is more to where my beliefs belong.

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Valhalla.
I believe in Odin. Norse Gods and great warriors. Those who lived for today and the wars of tomorrow. To die honorably and in battle. To me there’s nothing greater than such an honor. Perhaps it’s my type A personality. Perhaps it’s my Thin Blue Line heart. Whatever it may be….. The halls of Valhalla sound so amazing…. And so does the idea of spending eternity drinking mead beer.

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Sekhmet.

If there was ever a Goddess whom I could whole heartedly become a devotee of, it’d be her. She’s everything I want to be and everything I want to embrace. She is beauty. She is rage. She is love and hate. She is war. She is peace. She is life and death. Not to mention, the only reason she didn’t destroy man kind was because she got drunk mistaking blood for pomegranate colored beer.

Regardless, In this lifestyle, I’m still learning who I am, who I will be and who I can be. I am sometimes unsure of where my place is, especially regarding religion and faith. For many, especially myself, it’s often the cornerstone. Not living the “normal” relationship raised a few eyebrows, but to say that I believe in something other than what i’ve been taught….. Not sure how many would handle that. Some may say I’m a devil worshipper or that I don’t believe in God. Not true, it’s just I don’t see him as the center of my beliefs. Is that wrong? Does that make me a hellion?: Am I damned? I’m not sure. I’ve ordered a book on Sekhmet, a guide per se, on how I am to worship her as my Goddess. It feels right to me, and that is what I want most in my life; for things to make sense and feel right.

Dolly Parton said it best….

Find out who you are…. Then do it on purpose.

Lost in Lust.

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The rain has arrived. It’s lightning and thundering outside….

My entire being craves you. Everything about you. I desire your skin on mine, your lips roaming every inch of your claimed territory. My tongue licks my lips, that wants to be wrapped around your thickness, and drinking in every drop you give me. I am in need of you. I am needing you. All of you. Your body. Your heart. Your mind. I want to watch you watching me. I want to feel you pull me into you after we are done for the night as we drift off together in a lovers embrace every night.

226830_557340897632390_30634537_nI don’t know why it’s always this time of the month. Yes, that time of the month as well, but i’m a million times horny during the last two weeks of my cycle as well as the month. Everyday of the month I desire my Master. I desire his use and his needs. I need to be needed in many ways, but more importantly physical. So many times as submissives, we speak of being needed in ways other than physical, yet physical need and desires are right up there with oxygen and food. It’s a basic primal function. To me it falls under one of those Manslow categories, it’s a need and a want. When your partner doesn’t want you physically for whatever the reason; stress, life, no time, sickness, tiredness, etc. You no longer feel needed, and perhaps feel as if they’re getting their needs and wants elsewhere right? Then the doubts and demons creep their way back into your minds and all hell breaks loose. It’s a vicious circle that can really fuck with a person’s self confidence and the confidence they have in you and you in them. It can affect how a person sees themselves in the mirror, how they feel about their bodies, the way they feel in public. It can do so much good and so much damage all on how you desire each other….. Or lack there of.

Regardless, if you love your submissive (or Dom/Domme) make sure you show it. Not just in the hearts and flowers way, but in the lustful, thrusting, biting, kissing, sweaty, hot, ass slapping, throbbing, wet, hair pulling, nail scratching, screaming orgasm kind of way…..