Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

6041902962_89f89bc47b_b

So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

Advertisements

2 responses to “Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

  1. As always, ask who you are fighting in the dream. Is it yourself? Is it the idea of needing someone else to care for and protect you? Or some outside enemy?

    I found when I was saying “no” to compliments I was really saying “please prove it, prove I’m worthy.” I had to be worthy to myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and then being worthy physically didn’t matter so much.

    You will be happy. I know it. All the ingredients are there, you just need to learn what order to mix them in.

    Finally, stop fighting against everything, something’s are meant to be overcome in softer, more subtle ways.

    I’ll pray for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love how you put that into words, I’ve found the inability to do so. I think that’s exactly what it is… that I cannot find myself worthy of myself unless another proves it perhaps? There are days where I feel fabulous but the moment I see people staring I feel myself curling up inside. I blame the acts of violence from my past that has caused me to see myself this way but only I can defeat it right? I’m trying hard to not fight against. For some reason it’s my default emotion and reactions…. Possibly another reason I love play and bondage play so much. I have no choice but to give in and let go

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s