Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

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So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

The “H” word. 

One of the greatest feelings in the world is feeling wanted and needed by the same person.

I’m very fortunate. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard new subs who fantasize the whole D/s relationship (even if it is the horrid fifty shades scenarios) and I think to myself………….. I’ve got that. I’m living that life. Granted, it’s not all hearts and flowers or all whips and chains. It’s not always a good day and it’s not always a bad day. Despite it all, I have someone to come home to and serve. I have a Master who tries day in and out to nurture my growth, keep me safe, to the best of his abilities and allow me to be the meal of his choice to feed the primal hunger within him.

I noticed this over the last few days. I’ve been fighting a cold and decided to call in sick on Sunday. It was just what WE needed. We’ve spent the last few days not only doing things around the house, we got to escape life for a bit and have fun in the sun with each other. We cooked. We slept in. We cleaned house. We had a lot of play time and scene time. We drank. We danced. We shared stories. We laughed and had amazing sex. We just enjoyed each other like we used to. It was amazing. Last night was St. Patrick’s Day, and we decided to go out and celebrate. I did not get all fancy, but I was getting hit on by some old creepy guy. It was a turn on for me to see my Master become possessive. Many don’t like that, but for a subbie, to have their owners claim that which belongs to them in such an open forum is a proud moment. In a way it is to say,”This is mine. You cannot have her. You’re going to have to fight your way through me first.” It doesn’t happen as often as i’d like but when it does, I purr……

There were a few things we didn’t get to do together as I had hoped, however there will be more chances. I missed just being us. Not being wrapped up in everyday crap. All of my life I yearned to have someone who wanted to be with me, not choose their careers over me and vice versa. I wanted someone who would rather spend time with each other and doing things together. Not at work or other useless things like that. I can be a workaholic. But why work your life into the ground when someone is a part of your life and WANTS to spend that life with you? Humans weren’t made to work. I don’t want to compete with someone’s job just to spend time with them. If that’s the case, then I’ll just live life alone yknow? It took me a long time to figure that out. Perhaps why I don’t push so hard on my career anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but i’m not going to revolve my life around it anymore. I want a life. I want to love. I want a home and a family. I want to be happy. Work will always be there, life however does not wait for anyone.

Have scenes again with Master on a regular basis has done wonders for us both mentally and dynamically. That consistency I’ve been craving is really helping my PMDD as well as my obedience with Master. Little changes like that puts my mind at ease at work as well as home. It makes me feel needed and wanted. He’s continually pushing my limits and it makes me feel proud again as well! The kink event is approaching closer and i’m so eager for it. There is a stressful couple of weeks that will occur sooner and while i’m very nervous about it, I hope that Master and I will not buckle under its weight. My demons are going to have a field day if we do……

I just need to remember to hold tightly onto my collar and remind myself that I am His and that I am safe. I am owned and I am loved. I am His.

50 Shades of WTF

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I don’t know WHY or WHAT drove me to search the tag “50 shades” on wordpress today….. Fair warning. Don’t.

Abort. Avoid. Do NOT. I repeat. Do NOT. 

The stupidity that is involved is an unbearable amount. Curiosity killed this kitten….. Again….

Between being called narcissistic and a sociopath, but also a sex addict and um those who proclaim that it’s NOT abuse *snarf*

5 minutes and I have a headache.

Look, i’m not a BDSM expert, but i’m smart enough to know the difference.
2015-02-14_0950In related news, I’ve been toying with the idea of “coming out” to my Mother. No way in hell i’d ever tell my father… Far as he knows i’m a virgin. I’ve been wanting to build a closer bond with my mother, since I was 16 we’ve been very estranged and still talk in a bland and quiet manner. It’s hard because we have such conflicting personalities we have been butting heads since I hit puberty. Since i’m reaching the age of wanting a family, I want to mend some of those old wounds. A way to close those open chapters of my past and to completely free myself of those old demons for good.

The question is: HOW?! I mean, how does one go,”Hey mom guess what?! i‘m a submissive! I’m into bondage, primal play, impact devices such as whips and floggers and oh yeah, I call my boyfriend Master.”

Seriously, how do you go about it? When I told my best friends and Master’s parents I felt like I was “coming out of the closet” and it was terrifying.

So for those who have come out to their parents or close family members how did you do it?

Well played Hollywood……

As usual, I’m behind on things of this world. Don’t laugh but I’ve never seen the movie Mr & Mrs. Smith. You’ve heard of it right?IMG_3137

Right. Well The Master and I picked up some movies over our days off. We’re the type who like to stay at home and veg out on the couch together. I know what you’re thinking,”OMG you mean you people aren’t doing kinky sexual things all the time!?” (insert sarcasm)

Anyways, the entire time we watched this Master had this nostalgic smile. I couldn’t believe how much we related to the characters. I know so many say or hear that when they watch a movie, but I’m so serious here. Examples:
wpid-wp-1408611079692Their first encounter was on a whim and involved a lot of alcohol. They had fun just talking, dancing and listening to music. Did I mention the ton of alcohol? There was no false-ness or facade in the way things just……clicked. Chemistry? Maybe. Timing? Always sucks. c’est la vie. That was us on our first real “alone” time. Seems so long ago, but it was truly a life changing experience. We spent hours out on that porch drinking and listening to music and just enjoying each others company. Felt like we had known each other all of ours lives, and there were no expectations or walls…. Just us….. And the bottle of whiskey.

IMG_3134 They challenge each other. Granted in ways not many often do (Not everyone is determined to kill their spouse….) But that’s something we do. We aren’t afraid to push each other, struggle and argue with each other. We know what each other is capable of and strive to make each other do the best we can. Also, did I mention how competitive and stubborn we are? Err, I mean, they are….

 

IMG_3135When they are so pissed and angry, they hurt each other (Literally). They take out all the hatred for the pain caused by the lies and deceit they’ve discovered in each other. Master and I have had this moment. It was sometime ago, but the wounds are still healing. We hurt each other. We hurt each other so very badly. We shattered each other’s hearts and souls. Yet, despite it all, we looked at each other’s tear soaked faces and chose to mend those wounds. It’s something we’ve continued to do everyday. We continue chose each other and have made it known we’re not going to quit trying for each other. Even when we’re so goddamn pissed at each other. Besides, everyone knows make up sex is amazing.

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Besides the movie, things have been meh here. Still not much D/s wise. I have to admit i’m afraid to even think of such things during this week. Fifty shades of bullshit Grey movie premiers this weekend and I’m really debating on avoiding social media for a while just to stay away from the sub/dom frenzy that will explode faster than a high school freshman boy’s wet dream. My career has hit a lull with my recent injury. As a strong submissive woman, I know many can vouch over the fact that a career can mean so much to a person. I’m not a pearl wearing, office-type of person. I like to be out in the field, doing what I know I was made to do. However, I’ve been stuck with a bum knee. I don’t like it. It’s affecting my self-esteem as well among other things because I not only cannot scene (even if Master wanted to) but I can’t work out, I can’t do yoga, limited movement…. blah. Now, granted it’ll heal and it’ll get better, however, I’m impatient. Luckily Master and I were able to hit the range yesterday and it was extremely comforting and a turn on to see the Alpha in him appear. I love it when he is my Master 🙂

 

 

To Own or Not to Own… That is the question……….

I accidentally let it slip while at work last night when I was asked if I was married. I replied, “No, but my Owner-” and then corrected myself and stumbled a response than in my awkwardness seemed to scare them away.

Oops. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have made this mistake a time or two. However, this morning I began to think as I looked over the marks of ownership my Master left me from last night. So I ask of you reading this:

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

For me, personally, It means exactly as it sounds. Like you’d own a car or an animal. You must take care of it, nurture it, use it as you’d like in however you’d like, maintain its’ wellbeing, and of course when you’re with it; it’ll shine as you take such pride in it. Granted, human beings are different from that of a car, but the idea is the same. If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it.

Let me repeat that.

If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it. 

 I cannot stress how fucking TERRIFYING it is to truly submit to another and i’m almost certain Master feels the same way. Think about it. You are allowing someone else to take control of not just you physically, but your mind and heart. The decisions you’d have no issues, doing your own, are no longer yours to make. Meaning, if they do it in a way that you wouldn’t normally do, well too bad! It’s the rules now. (Now of course the limitations vary in each dynamic but this is just a perspective based on my own personal experience.)  The fear of getting it all very wrong is very real and can cause such turmoil in each other. However, it all comes down to trust. It’s all about knowing that the other person has the power to destroy you and everything you believe in, yet giving them the chance not to. Mistakes will happen so that is why so it’s so essential not to rush into this!!! Sub/Dom frenzy will be the death of a deep and meaningful D/s. There’s so much power exchange between each other. Granted again this is purely from my own experiences as a submissive, I’m hopeful Master could tell his side.

Many feel that D/s is a chance to fulfill the emptiness they have inside from a lack of whatever in their lives. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. You must be able to not only take care of yourself, but also be confident in yourself and happy with yourself. If you’re unable to do either how are you even possible to do that for another?!

“Ownership of another human being is both an honor and a responsibility. The honor is to be entrusted with another’s life by someone who, giving informed consent, makes an adult decision to allow their well-being to be in the care of another. The responsibility is living up to that trust, and making sure to take the appropriate care. Ownership is not something to take lightly by either party. For the one who would be owned, it requires a good deal of faith. For the one who would own another, it means being sure that your own person and affairs are in order.” –Cyd Athens

I’ve seen first hand what bad ownership can do to a submissive. They literally destroy that person past their foundation and core. You talk about abuse, it goes beyond abandonment and anguish. That person believed they had found happiness and not soon after was abandoned and left to fend for herself. It destroyed everything she believed in and the trust was almost irreparable. Again, that is why it’s essential not to rush things. Let them develop slowly and naturally don’t dive in head first at the deepest end of the ocean! Learn each other. Play with each other. Understand each other. It’s a way of teaching each other about one another, so that when you gain or relinquish that control you can do it knowing you’ve given them at least the basic tools to get the job done.

Here’s an example: In my dynamic, Master will prepare me some hot tea when I get home from shift in order to help with me not only relax enough to sleep but make sure my health is maintained since I am exposed to so many individuals that could be sick. In exchange I make certain Master’s coffee is always ready to go before he goes on duty so that I know he’s not only warm in the cold winter weather, but alert and somewhat awake so that he’s not at risk for sleepy mistakes out there.

See? Even the littlest things can mean so much when it’s done with care and concern. Ownership is just taking care of each other, regardless of the roles you play in your dynamic. Taking care of my needs doesn’t make him any less of a Master. There are those who have protocols in their dynamics that state the bottom/sub/slave must DO everything. Not knocking it at all if that is your dynamic. However, I have seen where the “Dom” will say that if a sub doesn’t do EVERYTHING, then their Dom is not a true Dom. I call bullshit. And this goes for the primal ones as well, to fulfill their needs includes caring for the needs of the ones who depend on you in your pack. Whether that need is sexual, play or health wise, as the Alpha you must make sure your pack is happy and well fed. Regardless if the responsibility is too much, there’s no shame in rejecting the request to own or be owned. Don’t risk it.

So… Again, I ask of you who read this….

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

Can’t save the damsel if she loves the distress……

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There are so many “how-to” guides on BDSM and D/s and M/s and DD/lg and Master/Pet and this and that…. It’s really fucking hard to know exactly what is real and what is not. What is fiction and what is reality. I began to really think about this last night and this morning while my daily browsing of fetlife & facebook. So many misconceptions that are wrong regarding this lifestyle and the fundamentals of our community. Why? Yes FSOG and other related stories. Can you blame them? Yes and No. I say both because while the common sense dictates they are reading FICTION novels and should know it’s not based on the truth, to those who’ve never ever considered or thought of this lifestyle before may just not know any better. So their expectations are based purely on the fantasy of the stories and characters that they read. Unfortunately, that twists the truth in about a thousand different ways and thus the masses follow in a new direction away from that which is the truth and so the new “norm” is no longer as it was. Make sense? To know that the words “pussy, cunt, dick, sex, tits, ass and cock” are seen about a million times more than “love, passion, fulfill, respect,soul and devotion” is just proof when it comes to those who “write” about their submissive/dominance experiences. Granted the sex is amazing, at least in my dynamic, but that is not what we know our D/s is based on. To know that someone is protecting me, even when i’m perfectly capable of protecting myself. To know that he may tear my walls down in the most barbaric ways only to build me up to what I was meant to be, a stronger form of myself, that he knows I am capable of becoming. To learn to trust another soul and let go of the control that I often find that even I cannot always handle on my own. Not to say “thank you for letting me cum Sir” but instead “Thank you for teaching me and not letting me quit”. There are those who purely want only a sexual dynamic and that’s great for them! However, they call it for what it is not dress it up and call it something else. The best sex organ is the ears, and I say that because to have someone listen to you sleep at night, listen to you cry, listen to you laugh, vent and most of all, listen even when you say nothing at all….. That to me is by far the biggest turn on of all. And of course it should be reciprocated as well!! Perhaps that is why I find myself more and more attracted to the wolf-dom. The one who will nurture you, teach you, guard you, protect you, play with you, love you, and if need be remind you of your place should you get a wild hair up your ass…..

Things my Master is perfectly capable of, even when he relapses from time to time. We’re not perfect, but we try to be perfect for each other in our faults. There are times when even a kitten feels abandoned, neglected or like she’s one of many and it hurts. It hurts so bad, but as I said yesterday, I lick my wounds and press on. I’ve taught myself how to “self-heal” in my life. It’s not a bad thing to have, yet it feels as if it should be. Master said yesterday there was a sadness in my eyes and while I don’t see it, I feel it. Perhaps there is but as with all hurt in my life i’ve learned to load it into the rest of the baggage and forget it’s there until the next time I have to self-heal. The only difference is that this time I really am sick and tired of carrying these bags. I really am. I want to toss them over a mountain and let them be forgotten in the darkness of the hills. I want to free myself of it all but I was reminded that you can’t do that no matter how hard you try. The scars will last forever and so will the mistakes you’ve made in the past. While they may not define me, others will remind me. Speaking with another sub friend whom I consider a close friend; We’ve had such similar experiences it’s almost frightening. She and I both reflect in each and in ourselves what we’d like in our lives that it’s simple really, however, it’s perhaps best to leave such thoughts in a dream land. I’m learning one cannot focus and stress on the things they cannot control. You have to just let life be and let it take its course; Whatever that may be. Enjoy the here and now….. Deal with tomorrow when it arrives.