To Own or Not to Own… That is the question……….

I accidentally let it slip while at work last night when I was asked if I was married. I replied, “No, but my Owner-” and then corrected myself and stumbled a response than in my awkwardness seemed to scare them away.

Oops. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have made this mistake a time or two. However, this morning I began to think as I looked over the marks of ownership my Master left me from last night. So I ask of you reading this:

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

For me, personally, It means exactly as it sounds. Like you’d own a car or an animal. You must take care of it, nurture it, use it as you’d like in however you’d like, maintain its’ wellbeing, and of course when you’re with it; it’ll shine as you take such pride in it. Granted, human beings are different from that of a car, but the idea is the same. If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it.

Let me repeat that.

If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it. 

 I cannot stress how fucking TERRIFYING it is to truly submit to another and i’m almost certain Master feels the same way. Think about it. You are allowing someone else to take control of not just you physically, but your mind and heart. The decisions you’d have no issues, doing your own, are no longer yours to make. Meaning, if they do it in a way that you wouldn’t normally do, well too bad! It’s the rules now. (Now of course the limitations vary in each dynamic but this is just a perspective based on my own personal experience.)  The fear of getting it all very wrong is very real and can cause such turmoil in each other. However, it all comes down to trust. It’s all about knowing that the other person has the power to destroy you and everything you believe in, yet giving them the chance not to. Mistakes will happen so that is why so it’s so essential not to rush into this!!! Sub/Dom frenzy will be the death of a deep and meaningful D/s. There’s so much power exchange between each other. Granted again this is purely from my own experiences as a submissive, I’m hopeful Master could tell his side.

Many feel that D/s is a chance to fulfill the emptiness they have inside from a lack of whatever in their lives. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. You must be able to not only take care of yourself, but also be confident in yourself and happy with yourself. If you’re unable to do either how are you even possible to do that for another?!

“Ownership of another human being is both an honor and a responsibility. The honor is to be entrusted with another’s life by someone who, giving informed consent, makes an adult decision to allow their well-being to be in the care of another. The responsibility is living up to that trust, and making sure to take the appropriate care. Ownership is not something to take lightly by either party. For the one who would be owned, it requires a good deal of faith. For the one who would own another, it means being sure that your own person and affairs are in order.” –Cyd Athens

I’ve seen first hand what bad ownership can do to a submissive. They literally destroy that person past their foundation and core. You talk about abuse, it goes beyond abandonment and anguish. That person believed they had found happiness and not soon after was abandoned and left to fend for herself. It destroyed everything she believed in and the trust was almost irreparable. Again, that is why it’s essential not to rush things. Let them develop slowly and naturally don’t dive in head first at the deepest end of the ocean! Learn each other. Play with each other. Understand each other. It’s a way of teaching each other about one another, so that when you gain or relinquish that control you can do it knowing you’ve given them at least the basic tools to get the job done.

Here’s an example: In my dynamic, Master will prepare me some hot tea when I get home from shift in order to help with me not only relax enough to sleep but make sure my health is maintained since I am exposed to so many individuals that could be sick. In exchange I make certain Master’s coffee is always ready to go before he goes on duty so that I know he’s not only warm in the cold winter weather, but alert and somewhat awake so that he’s not at risk for sleepy mistakes out there.

See? Even the littlest things can mean so much when it’s done with care and concern. Ownership is just taking care of each other, regardless of the roles you play in your dynamic. Taking care of my needs doesn’t make him any less of a Master. There are those who have protocols in their dynamics that state the bottom/sub/slave must DO everything. Not knocking it at all if that is your dynamic. However, I have seen where the “Dom” will say that if a sub doesn’t do EVERYTHING, then their Dom is not a true Dom. I call bullshit. And this goes for the primal ones as well, to fulfill their needs includes caring for the needs of the ones who depend on you in your pack. Whether that need is sexual, play or health wise, as the Alpha you must make sure your pack is happy and well fed. Regardless if the responsibility is too much, there’s no shame in rejecting the request to own or be owned. Don’t risk it.

So… Again, I ask of you who read this….

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

Advertisements

Warrior

2012-11-16 09.06.01

As the new year continues on I am doing my best to maintain that promise I made to let go of the baggage of the years before. Some days are easier than others, while others can be quite the challenge. Deep down I still harbor the emotions of anger and rage; revenge and hate. However, I feel while those will probably remain for a long time to come, they’re easier to bear and keep silent and feel the desire to tame and strengthen myself. I am hoping to start back to training soon to strengthen my body to endure the daily workings of the everyday trials. I am also looking for other ways to do the same perhaps an art of the sort, I used to box as a kid and I really enjoyed that, but for me there wasn’t a structure or discipline that I needed like in other art forms. I also seek readings of the same which for me is hard because my squirrel-brain will take over and I struggle to maintain the attention span long enough to finish it through. Michael Makai’s latest book that Master purchased for me seemed to strike a chord I had forgotten about myself that I am a fighter and a warrior. I have continued to fight against the odds my whole life and I don’t mean that in any “light” manner. Many things i’ve endured in my lifetime is probably enough for a novel. I’ve been without food and shelter before. I’ve seen things I wouldn’t wish upon my own worst enemies. I have the scars to prove it. However, I kept pushing; even when inside my own soul I had already given up. There are times I think I shouldn’t even actually be alive yet here I stand. I am here for a reason apparently and while I don’t always know what that reason is I have to see it in a different light and make use of the time I have here. A warrior mind produces a fighting soul and a strong soul produces an even stronger body.

Now the question is where to start to feed my warrior mind…..

I think something is broken….(Warning. Long rant)

……..Him? Or maybe it’s me? This hormone-female-overthinking is in hyperdrive and it’s leaving me so lost. Things were going so well and I don’t know what the hell happened. Stress? Probably. Lord knows i’m on the verge of vomiting every day over financial stress. Knowing collectors are calling me soon makes me want to shut off the phone until I can get going again. I still wish he had let me pull my retirement so that this stress could be avoided but I’ll take this as penance or punishment for ……….something i’ve done i’m sure. Many say a temporary solution never fixes things in the long run, but I’m the person who doesn’t look that far ahead because who’s to say i’m going to be here or on this path in my life by then? You need to live in the here and now as easily and stress free as possible; why allow the extra burden to continue!?

Speaking of burdens, I am so fed up i’ve decided i’m removing myself from asking/discussing Her EVER again with Master. It is clear he is not willing to follow through on his own words and I just can’t continue to let those demons eat at me. I am not perfect, I know this and me saying this at all is hypocritical but damnit why can’t he ever do as he says for more than a couple of weeks? Like protocols… it’s all pick and choose. I’m sorry i’d rather be all or nothing. He tells me, “I need you to remind me.”

Why.

Why must I? I’m all for helping I know life can get a person sidetracked but if you can’t keep your word then don’t bother! And if I’m gonna be the one who must keep track then screw it i’ll do it myself. How am I supposed to allow myself to give into him, trust him and take his word at face value when he can’t even tell Her to go to fucking hell. What is he so afraid of? Why is he so chicken? It angers me so much. But again it’s no longer my ordeal. He doesn’t even want me around the courtroom (which hurt but whatever). I don’t think he sees what hell she has put me through. I guess i’m still hurting over the fact I still don’t feel he did a damn thing about defending me when she tore me apart. Or the fact I STILL can’t even defend myself for fear of what she might say or do. Fuck her. And the demons tell me that he won’t do those things because he still cares, and that is SUCH a warm fucking fuzzy. I want to call her out on everything. Want me to admit what i’ve done? Fine. I fell in love with someone at the wrong time but guess what? Shit happens, life happens. Move the fuck on. It’s not my fault you were a bitch-ass who sucked at sucking dick. Who didn’t know how to give a fuck to the one you claim you loved so fucking much. You call me all kinds of wonderful names like you’re any better. Claiming all kinds of things when you don’t know SHIT about me. I was married once too. I was cheated on for YEARS by people I trusted. Did I sit there and have a fucking pity bitch fest party? Nope. I moved the fuck on and learned from the experience. All kinds of names that stuck up twat waffle has called me yet doesn’t know what the hell i’ve been through or experienced. He says that’s what makes me better than her; tell me something I don’t know. How about telling HER that.

I have so much hate and anger and all I ever hear is “i’m sorry”.

Then I find myself crying. Like right now. I remember yesterday and it’s so frustrating. I know he is used to being alone, and only worrying about himself but there are times he forgets about me and I feel incredibly stupid. I didn’t eat lunch yesterday while he and a co-worker chowed down in front of me. He tells me I should’ve said something, um why? You didn’t bother to offer to order for me or suggest it thinking “hey she might be hungry”. Every Time I am in town I offer to take him anything/everything. I’m at the store I ask if he needs anything. I always ask him and consider him. When I get our daily meds together I get em for us both not just for myself. Submissive side or what? I don’t know I just hate being forgotten but then again it’s what I know and had been used to. Perhaps thats why it hurt so much is for a little while there I had forgotten what that felt like and was suddenly reminded. All about the little things I reckon……. I am bitching yes I am content for the most part, don’t get me wrong he has done amazing things and provided for me for longer than anyone has ever – yes even for this short while. But In this short while my soul, heart and head have gone through so much I don’t even feel like doing much anymore. I missed knowing he wanted to do so much together now I’m finding myself wanting to stay in or stay in bed yet at the same time wondering if he is going to keep hiding me here at home because I know he sure as shit wouldn’t confront her with me around.

I’m ready to get back to life again. I am ready to just throw myself into other things and routines and just find my center myself. It is a comfort to know that soon i’ll go back to not depending on him fully that I can contribute and not feel like an obligation or lump on a log.

My meds are about to run out and until I have insurance I can’t afford them. This will be fun.

I want to go to sleep and wake me up when things are fixed or back on track. Preferably for longer than 2 fucking weeks.

Oye.

As amazing as the female body can be, I have to complain today. My hormones which I lovingly call “whore-moans” cause they’re a bitch are so out of whack. As a sub it’s pissing me off because I can’t keep a tight rein on my moods or emotions and it’s effecting my relationship with Master, and it’s frustrating me even more because I don’t know why. Can’t get into a doc for a good month so I need to find ways to even this out. If anyone can send me some over the counter or home remedies PLEASE do.

In other news, the career is back up and running. yay! A light toward the end of the tunnel. I am hoping it continues to lead to some great opportunities later on! Master didn’t seem as excited as my last interviews but hey i’ll take it. I know he’s been under alot of stress still. I am homesick and want to see my family so bad although today I found out one of my Aunts has decided to block me from social media which is hurtful. I’m not sure what I did to offend but with the recent turn of events in our family it’s start to really ripple out to everyone. I am trying not to take it to heart but I can’t help it but wonder if it stems from Her or something. It’s awful to keep making those connections that every thing could come from Her but the way Masters ex is passive/aggressive/borderline crazy – anything is possible. Never say never!

Meanwhile, the busy busy non-stop week are finally slowing down (thank the heavens) and I’m looking forward to the much needed rest at some point. We once again attended another munch and really enjoyed ourselves. It’s so welcoming to mingle and have such fun conversations with like-minded individuals. Everyone thinks we’re a bunch of weirdos who talk only about sex but we are just regular people who yes are pervs but also enjoy music, politics, food, jokes, etc….  I love how comfortable Master and I are becoming in our community. I look forward to learning more together and branch out some more. I know that Master and I are overcoming our differences day by day. We are finding out more about how we are so much alike and so different all at once, but one thing is that no matter how much we fight, we don’t give up on each other. My bond to him runs so deep, no chains needed. Once upon a time we tried to leave each other and even then we couldn’t. I love him with all that I am and my devotion to serving him runs deep through my veins. His ability to calm my demons and settle my mind even when it fights back, proves his words that he refuses to give up on us. I can only hope that once the weight of our paradox and troubles of the past start to lift one by one we can only improve after all that we’ve endured. It’s hard, everyday we have to continuously work at it. People think 24/7 D/s is easy and it’s not, but it IS possible.
I don’t have much to say i’m honestly just tired. I’d love time away with just the owner and I without any type of agenda. *sigh* he’s so used to always being busy and doing things as that was his daily life before I came along. I always indulged in the little time I had to relax because of how busy I was too. C’est la vie!

‘Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.’- Dolly Parton

No.

My mother told me that my very first word was “No.” In fact that was probably the only word I knew for a long time as i’ve been so used to hearing it.
“No, you can’t stay out late”
“No, you can’t do _____”
“No, you can’t climb that tree”
“No, you can’t win”
“No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t”

It’s just one of those things that feeds into negativity, fears, insecurities, demons all that crap. It’s a heavy burden that I’ve often failed at overcoming. Baggage. A ton of it that I seem to carry from one relationship to another. From one job to another. From one life event to another. It would be great to just drop those suckers off and leave them behind but i’ve learned the past always catches up with you… whether it be karma or some kind of juju it just does. For the most part i’ve embraced all of my flaws for what they are and just kind of accepted them. One thing I have had to deal with lately is the rejection from life.

“Dream” job #1 gave me the ol denied/rejected
Option B gave me today a big fat denied/rejected
Lately Anal training has been rejecting because my mind is thinking “NOPE”

Just a downward spiral i’m trying desperately hard to keep from going out of control. I know that this is a small slump that everyone deals with from time to time but for me it’s one of those “woe is me” crap that my demons LOOOOVE to breed off of. My mother – inadvertently- has always been my biggest critic. Whether be about my weight, my house, the way I dressed, the way I talked, the men I dated, the way I spent my money, the way I cooked… You name it, it was never good enough. Some say “that’s mothers” but for me… She was all I had growing up so it was a learned behavior that if it wasn’t good enough for her it’ll never be good enough for anyone and who would ever want a woman like that? Part of why I don’t know if I could ever tell her about my dynamic with Master and probably why lately my insecurities about being a burden are so high. She always instilled into me (which honestly isn’t a bad habit) to never need a man, to be able to take care of myself 100% so that way no one will ever hold anything over my head, I would never be an obligation or a leech.

Master has tried his best to reaffirm his thoughts on it, that I am in fact none of those things but it’s so hard to break; and today’s rejection didn’t help. I know there are choices and opportunities out there for me and I can’t sit back and just pity party myself but I didn’t think it would take this long nor did I think I wouldn’t have a chance. Everything happens for a reason I really need to focus on that part. I fight depression and anxiety everyday but I need to PUSH past that mindset. I need to push not only for myself but for my owner, he deserves that. As his sub, he needs me to be strong, confident and positive. We both have dealt with the outside world trying to belittle and diminish us both individually and together. I still think master is afraid to be open as I am about this but in a way i’m just letting that go. He is a big boy, he can make his own choices. However I need to keep fighting, keep striving. I made it this far, I know I can keep going. I won’t sit on my ass like another person has for almost a year sulking. That’s not my type that’s not me. I’m a fighter, I may not fight fair but i’ll be damned if I don’t get the last punch or the last drop of blood on my hands. Maybe this is my primal side coming out, yknow with the blood moon approaching. I’d love to do a spirit guide sometime, find out what primitive beast is fueling this inside me. No, not some vampire bullshit. (Twilight blows) but something much more realistic and profound. I’m happy to have my master who understands the basics of primal instincts and help me comprehend, even if it takes awhile. I have this urge to fight. I really do. Maybe it’s built up frustration? Maybe it’s the always-brewing rage I have beginning to rise? I know I need to keep it in control for many reasons but deep down I have the urge to hunt. I know i’m not a prey by nature; I’m a predator. Nothing would satisfy me more right now that to turn the tables where the once hunter becomes the hunted. The good thing is that I can feel myself rejecting the idea of rejection and instead turning it into a challenge.

I like challenges. b336763661418d60a85a6cf8950dcc90

Balance.

Trying to find balance is difficult, to say the least. We are sacrificing ourselves to keep everything going without filling ourselves or each other. I find myself trying to hang on to every detail maybe a little too much. I’m noticing insecurities growing each day, I am trying to avoid becoming disgusted with myself. Example is the other day we had a little miscommunication. Master didn’t sleep well and as usual I began to get things ready for him, one of which is making his coffee. In doing so he (half asleep) reached for the fridge and began to make himself something to eat. I immediately began to freak out and he just could not comprehend as to why I was getting upset. In a moment of frustration, I realize it’s not just breakfast. Making it for him means the world to me. Enjoying the cup of coffee with him without interruption is heaven. So this threw my “routine” off-balance and in order to keep myself as together as possible without sounding like a whiny brat I went back to bed to gather my thoughts and calm down. We have little alone time, even less adult time and hardly any power exchange time together. It is frustrating, however this is our life at the moment and despite the frustration I am grateful. Sometimes I often question if I’m a burden to him. Last night we had a deep talk and one thing I asked him as well as myself if this is too much for him and if so if he would like to perhaps take a break or back away from 24/7? Logically I know this is not the case, though in my heart I feel like I can’t win. I am hurting more than I care to admit. He said no and stated he just wanted to vent. This morning he appeared back to his normal self again and did state that he wanted to tighten the “slack” of our protocols. I remind myself that 1) it is not me and 2) I am worth more than to beg anyone to spend time with me if I was not spectacular and exquisite in some way, I would not have been chosen to share a life with. I know that I am here to serve him but it’s becoming apparent that perhaps I’m becoming a little too needy? We spent so much time apart before this change that I want to spend all my time with him but at this moment I’m wondering if I’m suffocating him. He went from a life where the other person wanted nothing to do with him to someone who wants to always be with him.

I’m tired of feeling this way.

But I will let it go.

I’ll go outside, play, experience, and let life do it’s thing……

Baby steps & one day at a time…

Primal-licious?

Slower, calmer weekend. Master and I spent it doing pretty much nothing and i’ll admit, it was much needed and so fantastic. I’m not really the sit around and bum type, and neither is he. But with the daily stress that is really beginning to take it’s toll on our minds and bodies I have to say sleeping and lounging around was much more desired.

Speaking of ‘Desire‘ funny thing happened recently…
Not sure if i’ve mentioned it before but I’ve turned to the “dark” side AKA Primal 3 times now. It’s increased in severity each time. Not really sure what to make of this still…. It’s not something i’ve ever saw myself doing let alone so easily. I can’t explain but it’s usually during sex. I have this urge to tear things apart. Biting hard as an indication I want him to fuck me harder. I scratch. Nip. Growl. Show teeth. Go for the jugular.  Apparently my eyes turn really dark, like black. I know that I start to get tunnel vision as my orgasm draws near and my aggression continues. Master is a primal by nature but this last time it was as if we reduced ourselves to just that – animals. No words were ever said. We spoke in snarls, deep bites of the flesh, skin was scratched, blood appeared with intent, challenges spoken through eyes, strong grips of the hands on our bodies, and an orgasm that echoed throughout the night.

O.o 

I don’t know what the heck is going on. Master said i’m allowing myself to channel the underlying continuous rage and anger I have within myself to turn into a primal state; or something like that. I can’t recall exactly my head was fuzzy for a long while and even had difficulty showering, as he had to wash me and make sure I could stand without falling. He explained that it makes sense to him as i’ve always ‘challenged‘ my ex’s In and out of bed? I always had my way but in life I did and noticed that they could not compare, that they were weak or scared of me and my alpha like state. Master of course is the only one who has been able to really deal and control all of those things. Most of what we discussed made sense but i’m still trying to figure out why. Not saying it’s a bad thing, as having a pack mentality is a great structure idea for our home. It’s just does that mean my role has switched? Am I no longer a submissive? Am I pet? Am I switch? I don’t want to be in charge. I loathe that idea as i’m in charge enough in the regular world.  I know there is no set-cookie-cutter-box-label as to what I need to fit into but again this caught me off guard and because “Primal” is something that is a new dynamic or mindset in the BDSM D/s lifestyle it’s hard to find any research, reading or education for me to follow up on except the daily diatribes of fetlife…. So if anyone can point me in the right direction please do! lol

Home life is doing better, I am trying my hardest to be calmer, work harder at understanding and less on the nit picking. Being a woman with hormones is a bitch. My stress is still high especially with finances. I don’t have many bills but I don’t know how to ask for help and soon the ol bill collectors will be calling. meh. We are taking things one day at a time and last night I don’t know why but I wanted to stroll down memory lane. Maybe to help escape the stress in my head? I showed master some of our very first conversations and the gentle smile that I saw completely made my night. It’s astounding to me how much things have changed, our humor has remained for the most part but it seems like such a life time ago. It made me fall in love with him again as we read through the jokes we used to say and how much of a bond we developed simply being each others best friend. Honestly I think that is how we managed to become so close so fast is because of the friendship that was developed way early on. It allowed us to trust each other on such a deeper level that when the time came that he discussed with me that he wanted me and our dynamic it was easier to make that leap because of all that I trusted him with and he with me. I’m very fortunate to be in love with my best friend and even more fortunate to see him become stronger each day despite those who try to tear him down. Dynamics are tested almost on a daily basis and how you come out of those experiences will show just how much you care for each other and are willing to fight for each other. Every Dominant is capable of being someone amazing as long as they have the continuous support of their submissive. A bond like that is stronger than you could ever imagine.