We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.

Fourth,

ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….

Fifth,

Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n

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Game. Set. Match.

In D/s we (and by “we” I mean submissive) generally want that feeling of stability. Peace. We want to know that the Dominant has got it under control. And by “it” I mean the relationship, the dynamic, the protocols, the play scenes, etc. That they have themselves figured out as well as us as their submissive and that everything will be hunky-dory right?

disputes-des-parentsWe do our best. Our dominants/dommes/tops/daddys/Sirs/Masters do their best. But even then it seems it’s just not enough and when that happens the other party feels sometimes hurt and other times anger. Especially when the other falls just short of what is needed. For me, especially I have that primal side in me. And sometimes it’s as if it’s a blessing and a curse. To all those that I dated in the past when we’d argue or fight I assumed the Alpha spot. I challenged them by yelling and arguing, and if I was REALLY pissed off, you’d bet i’d square up to them and be ready to fight for the top spot. I have been the one who’d punch her significant other right in the chest. It’s happened a time or two. Piss me off just enough. Not something I’m proud of but not something I’m ashamed of either. To me it was just proof that many were weaker than me, that I’m not the kind to ever have anyone who’s able to handle me nor be able to last with me. As I’ve said before, I break men. With Master, he’s the first to really deal with that. He’s squared up right back, and without ever laying a hand on me, allows me to challenge him but never succeed. So I may yell, I may scream and cuss him eight ways from Sunday; But he will not budge and remain Alpha. It took me all day to really see that. I was furious earlier today, to the point where I took it out on my fists and a hard object. I’m proud of myself of not making that hard object him. Many think,”Wow, she’s insane.” but to me, I see the progress. Because of the things I endured a couple of years ago I have felt nothing but anger. Perhaps because no one should ever go through the things I did, but regardless I felt there was no help for me. Maybe this is a sign i’m getting better? Master…. He really did stand his ground despite how much I squared off and showed my teeth at him, yet not once did he ever show his throat. If you’re unsure of those terms, google them, if not it’s a simple way of saying he didn’t ever turn into my prey.

Perhaps the Alpha Dominant is back……

My original point is, that when the other falls short of what is needed, I ask to dominants not to tuck tail and feel like failures or become of unsure of yourselves. Stand your ground. She’s going to be angry and hurt and upset. Why? Because you are supposed to be the rock and her rock is broken and the fear of the rug being pulled out from under her is VERY real. Not to say it’s not what you also feel at times, but let’s face it, women aren’t the best at the emotions or expressing things in ways the male species can understand.

So when she snarls and you, Look into her eyes and find her beyond the anger. She’s waiting for you to reassure and remind her that you have this under control. She’s safe. She’s still protected. She’s still loved. And she’s still yours…………