Arise The Lioness….

As I’ve mentioned before, At work I see myself as an Alpha female. I have to be. I have to be that one who’s going to never show throat and will always stand my ground. Because of this I am an outcast by many on my shift. This causes so much tension, stress and exhaustion on me. I get home and I want to crawl in Master’s arms and just let it all out. I don’t understand why I am an outcast, but I don’t give a shit if I am. The way I see it, they don’t understand nor do they compare. I am not made to kiss their ass, bow to their demands or chase after their approval. They can go pound sand. I stand alone, but I know Master has my back. That’s all that I need. There are a few I see who are also Alpha females and they are the ones  whom I trust on the job. The number is small, but I don’t need a large circle. I never have. I’ve always been that way, and as the years have gone on, the circle gets smaller and smaller. I’m okay with that. Yes it’s lonely but I’ve learned to adapt in worse situations, I’ll just learn to adapt once again.

I’ve stopped seeing myself as a kitten lately, except in the eyes of Master but even then I don’t really see myself that way. I see myself stronger and more capable. I know I am meant for greater things. I will get there. I am not made for where I am now, not because I see myself as holier than art thou type, but because I know I am made for more than this. The current mentality of where I am is sucking my motivation dry. Instead of eagerness it’s being replaced with disdain and hate. I don’t like that feeling. I know I’ve never exactly gotten along with females, but I am surrounded by more than just petty females, I am surrounded by men who have more bark than bite. Large ego’s and small brains. I have worked hard at building a rapport with my new surroundings and in doing so I’ve made a lot of enemies by the ones’ who are supposed to always watch my six. Their mentality is not fitting with mine and so we clash. It happens, however I will not let it hinder me. Master says to use it as my motivation, and I will. I will smile in their faces as they bad mouth me. I will be professional, but always be prepared to fight. I will keep peace in my heart, but keep my fists ready. To me this is how I see my Alpha side. There is a lot of misinformation out there because female alphas are so often labeled ‘bitches’ by jealous beta males and females.

The true role of all alphas, both male and female, is to be the leader of the pack and to protect those in their care. The proportion of alphas among humans correspond directly with the proportion of alphas among animals – for evolutionary reasons. Here’s a few ways you know you’re “Alpha”.

  1. You don’t seek the approval of other females and therefore often come across as aggressive in the way you speak and carry yourself. (Approval-seeking is the main way to tell you are beta, by the way!)
  2. When you are with a group of people you offer your input because you know it will be helpful, not because it may make others approve of you more, and you do not care about how your input will be received because you know you are right.
  3. You are fiercely protective of those you love
  4. You know how to threaten and intimidate those who would harm you or anyone in your care and you are not afraid to retaliate
  5. You don’t engage in drama but always seek the most direct route to the solution and/or a peaceful resolution. However you are never afraid of war.
  6. You are comfortable in your own skin and have your own sense of style (fashion victims are never alphas – see the first point about approval)
  7. The only person you would ever submit to is an alpha male strong enough to not be intimidated by you
  8. You don’t need look around to know that you are the centre of attention as soon as you enter a room
  9. The thought of dying alone does not scare you
  10. Other people come to you for help (yes, even the ones that bitch about you behind your back) because you are known to be both capable and trustworthy.
  11. Your eyes are very telling and often piercing. You use eye contact to guide, protect and intimidate. As an alpha female, you may have been told more than once to stop looking at someone. The quickest way to regain your sense of being alpha is to allow your power to begin radiating freely from your eyes.

Now don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with be a beta or even an omega. I’m beta to my Master. We all play a role in our dynamics and packs. The thing for me personally, is this role of Alpha is important to me. Growing up, I was made to feel unworthy of anything from anyone including affection. I was taught to be 100% independent and to love a person and submit yourself to them was a sign of weakness. I am learning however that being Alpha doesn’t mean I cannot be apart of another person’s life. That while you cannot trust everyone, the one’s you trust and especially the one you love AND trust; that it’s okay to let your guard down and sheath your claws. There are times I fight this within myself and it’s still a daily issue for me. Fighting my past and my upbringing. My demons who just love to play their games in my sleep. There are nightmares and dreams that I cannot shake. That feeling of an unknown threat lurking in the night. Driving around town, I relieve those moments when Master didn’t protect me from her or them. I feel that anger and rage still boiling beneath my skin, like a dormant volcano. It’s a sensation and feeling I wish I could tame or completely get rid of, however it’s apart of me and who I am whether I like it or not. The skill now is to maintain my Alpha learnings and teachings so that I can keep a tight rein on those parts of me….

I know I can become something greater and stronger. Someone of worth and desire. Someone who has a primal aura, that speaks on great levels. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I don’t want fame. I just want to achieve my dreams and goals with my Master behind me. I want to have spawnlings and teach them how to take on the world. I want to experience life with all of its beauty and not so glamourous sides. I want to help Master embrace the Alpha I know he is.

So I arise to the challenge…….



Taming the Lioness.


There’s nothing more Dominant, than a Dominant who cares for his submissive. To those who have been following along, I am not improving as I had hoped. Granted, it’s only been a little over a week, but I am impatient and so is Master. The recent vomiting and other wonderful immune system dysfunctions have caused him continuous concern. I am not used to not pull my own weight when it comes to household finances. In fact, in my previous relationships and my Marriage I was pretty much the ONLY one really putting forth in the finance department. It’s something i’ve gotten very used to and i’m okay with. I’m fortunate to have a true partner with my Master. We always put forth as a team, partnership, 100%/100%. Pack mentality takes over and we both put forth an effort to keep our pack healthy and doing well. I am ill, I get that and it was today I was due to return to work, however Master pulled Alpha and said no. I am not where he wants me to be health wise and I am in no position to argue, even though I tried. Don’t get me wrong, I am stressing regarding finances, but for the first time in my life I am not that worried. It’s weird for me to say that, as if you’ve seen my writings a year ago, I was a walking lunatic overwhelmed with stress. Master is right and I am listening. I am being obedient and listening to my Owner who knows me better than anyone. I am not well, and in my line of work, if you are not on your game, people can get hurt. That is something i’m not willing to have on my conscience. So i’m home a little while longer and i’ll return to the doctor as soon as Monday.


I won’t lie. It’s VERY hard for a submissive to fight all that she’s trained herself to do and who she is to allow another person to say,”Guess what, you’re going to do it my way and that’s that.” The lioness warrior in me and the Kitten in me are at odds with each other. They both agree they need to listen to their Alpha, however, I know I need to get back on my feet and the other says,”You’re ill. Fucking stop and take care of yourself.” I know it’s a silly conundrum but it happens. But because I just allowed my owner do what owners are supposed to do, it made things easier. Another “ah-ha” moment in D/s if you will, a Dominant is meant to take care of their submissives, and if they don’t, then why the hell would anyone want a person to be in charge of them? That’s like paying to see a doctor only to not receive an ounce of treatment? Sure, Master could have allowed me to go to work. Sure, he could have said we’d deal with things later. But, would that have been wise? I have to trust him and his words and for me to shut my stubborn side up, to me that is a big feat of my own. I am proud of that fact. And I am even more proud of him for taking my health and care as a priority (not like he doesn’t do that already – but i’m still proud regardless…). As his submissive, I encourage all other subs both of the newbies and the experienced, I encourage you all to always make sure you praise your Sir. Praise him for taking the moments to flog you when you need it, to love you when you don’t always need it. To make sure you are healthy, sane, safe, cared for and protected. To praise the Alpha who makes sure you are aware that you are still a strong and intelligent lioness perfectly capable of hunting her prey and fighting off the dangers that could threaten your pack, but that you allow him to take the role at the head of your Pack and that he will cherish that position you’ve allowed him in your life because he knows that was not an easy decision to make. We all carry our wounds with us as reminders of the struggles we’ve faced in our pasts. These scars are reminders of what we defeated and how the phoenix rose from the ashes of hell. We are that phoenix. Listening to your Sir does not make you any less of one. Remember that. I had to.

Subs and Dom-Drop

So as I mentioned before I am sick. I have been sick for a good week now. I’ve taken meds, seen the doctor but i’m still sicky, yucky and cruddy. And does it effect my moods. I’m whiny, needy and i’m so incredibly annoyed with myself I could easily beat myself to a pulp. Because I am like this, I know it effects my Master. He is still trying to deal with Dom-drop on top of other things that we deal with on a daily basis. I know it can’t be easy and I can’t find myself to make him understand how viable it is that he address his Dom drop before my illness. Contradictory right? So many times we see Dominants as these strong, versatile, impenetrable moments that keep us submissives together when our days are long and tired.


There is no doubt about the fact that we as submissives, have a lot to face in our lives and our relationships with our Dominants, but what many may not understand fully is that the Dominant may fall under the pressure of life that can kill him slowly. It can take a lot of hard work from the submissive to infiltrate the walls he built around him and be able to understand what is hurting him emotionally. Unlike the popular beliefs, a submissive is a major force and strength within BDSM relationships because she does possess the power to heal her dominant in so many ways that no other can and it is her duty to connect enough with her Dominant to find out when he start to fall down. Dom drop is very hard to distinguish and can be “fatal” to a Dominant and a dynamic if you’re not careful. No Sir wants to acknowledge that they’re feeling less than or weak. And I will never see my Master as such, but I know with all the activities and power exchange that took part in 3 small days, his mind and soul are tired and heavy. As I said in previous posts before, Some dominant may not wish to expose such side of their personality to their submissive or wishes to not put their burden upon their submissives so don’t take him, saying he’s “okay” for granted because usually he may be facing a lot of issues but simply doesn’t wish to say it. Last night Master, I knew was still battling fatigue, event drop along with his Dom drop ON TOP of his demons and the urge to care for me through my illness. Yet despite all that I wanted to just spend time with him, in a non-kinky way. I put on a movie I knew he would enjoy, we made popcorn and just snuggled together as one. Granted it was late and we were both tired, but it was a moment we could share as one. As a submissive you may face resistance of him, anger or even solid silence, but don’t give up on him and continue to offer him safe environment and constant support to let him open up for you. Sometimes he doesn’t need BDSM related activities but ..a Kiss , a simple ” I am here for you”, a silent sit down with him till he talks, a gesture of pure compassion or a feeling of your love comforting him may heal him from deepest wounds. Remember, you are his haven, his home and everything he wanted and that is why he is there with you when he falls. Take care of him and he will take care of you. ….. 


Enter the Second Trimester of Kink………….

“Wow! You really have embraced your spots!”


That’s a phrase that has summed up my wonderful weekend with my community at Spring Pan. My journey continues to be a roller coaster moments, including the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. However, I have taken a moment to finally jot down the things I have felt or observed while at Pan….

Master and I were ‘newbies’ at leather fiesta last year, and it was very apparent as the flux of ‘new blood’ was also apparent this year. I could tell because of the expressions on their faces in the dungeon. Not all who enter could really grasp what it is that they’re getting themselves into. I know because some who came on Friday night didn’t return the following evening… And that’s okay. I think many need to experience first hand to really see if this is something they want or don’t want to get into.

And that is when it really hit me, how far I’ve come in my journey. Master and I do admit at the last major event we did have a bit of a frenzy and wanted to do all the things, this time we took our time and did what was within our abilities and mindset. Unfortunately, I was battling a strong case of what I thought was allergies (spawned into bronchitis..) but I pushed forward as best as I could. We didn’t attend as many classes as last time, and the ones we did attend were full! Being claustrophobic, Master understood when I asked to duck out half way through…..  We mingled more. Spent more time with our friends whom we dearly missed! Master splurged on such AMAZING goodies to include a dragon’s tail, a set of galley whips, a new flogger among other things. But this trip wasn’t just for our pleasure, no no no….

We had the blessings of paying it forward in many ways; One couple we’ve adored over time is dear to our hearts. Two kitties who’ve flocked to each other and we watch our owners, trade punishment ideas lol we were able to hang out with them and purchase them beautiful leather cuffs as a gift from us. Also Another beautiful soul in our community is becoming ill from an unknown disease and it literally broke my heart to see her in such agony. I literally cried, but her determination to not let anything hinder her, even when she played with her boi, just filled my heart with just joy. That eagerness to fulfill each other’s needs is part of why I am so dearly in love with this lifestyle. Master and I gave her a monetary donation towards funding her answers. These things we did was not because we wanted to flaunt ourselves, but because we are fortunate to be in a position to do so and I am a firm believer in paying it forward…. Why not send forth good fortune in this world?!

Now back to the dungeon, while thisyear it was more spacious, the crowd itself was much more in numbers. The mood was better Saturday night versus Friday, however again, I felt much more than before. I was used to being the few who used to be lead on leashes awhile back, now this time I saw it everywhere. I am on a leash in a large event not for a fashion or “how all subs should be” but because I have an anxiety disorder and large crowds make me lock up or tense. I don’t have my service dog with me at kink events (he would lose his shit if his momma was getting whipped) so Master has me on a leash as a sense of security and safety and to calm my demons should any females want to play Alpha tug of war with me. That’s another thing. I saw a wave of sub/dom frenzy. HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN did I ever! It was VERY apparent the FSOG frenzy was alive and well at this event as many of the Doms/Subs/whatever they were flocked and dived in feet first at the deep end of the kink pool. However, they must’ve not been told about common courtesy or common sense. Master told me this later on (thank heavens) but I guess while I was having a kitten moment with another kitten at the human size-pet area (three words: GIANT scratching post) I guess some sub felt it was okay to flirt with my Master….


No. Nope. Negative Ghostrider…. That does not fly. In our world we show each other respect and those who are in dynamics/relationships even more respect! Being that of a primal I would’ve shown my Alpha side and taken her as a challenge and what do alpha’s do when challenged??? Yes. Could’ve gotten ugly or at least some of my fangs would’ve appeared. Regardless, I saw that many times over. Granted, it’s a common mistake any newbie makes, but this weekend I was on the other side of it and wow now I see why it’s so important to show common courtesy. Another thing I saw a lot of was disobedient subs. Holy hell. I have my tendencies, but some were just flat out disobedient! I could not believe how they could just behave in such a way, it was horrendous and made me just gawk in exasperation while I watched silently as I knelt next to my Master as I am supposed to do.

It was a fun event regardless, and I feel my Master and I are really coming into our own now. I am ready for us to take on that next step. We’ve both agreed that lately we aren’t happy with where are dynamic was plateaued at however we weren’t sure what our next step should be…. I think being surrounded by such amazing kinksters of our community help remind us and give us a shove in the direction we’d like to be. I know personally i’d like to get back on tasks and schedules once my stupid bronchitis clears. Dealing with her is no longer an issue, despite the demons the wench has left me with. It’s a slow process that which i’m overcoming little by little. I am looking forward to getting back to journaling regularly, working out regularly, having scenes as often as possible and just little subtle signs of dominance from my Master that keeps me in my place and in line.

A new phase and a new beginning is how I’m looking towards the start of this Summer…..


The “H” word. 

One of the greatest feelings in the world is feeling wanted and needed by the same person.

I’m very fortunate. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard new subs who fantasize the whole D/s relationship (even if it is the horrid fifty shades scenarios) and I think to myself………….. I’ve got that. I’m living that life. Granted, it’s not all hearts and flowers or all whips and chains. It’s not always a good day and it’s not always a bad day. Despite it all, I have someone to come home to and serve. I have a Master who tries day in and out to nurture my growth, keep me safe, to the best of his abilities and allow me to be the meal of his choice to feed the primal hunger within him.

I noticed this over the last few days. I’ve been fighting a cold and decided to call in sick on Sunday. It was just what WE needed. We’ve spent the last few days not only doing things around the house, we got to escape life for a bit and have fun in the sun with each other. We cooked. We slept in. We cleaned house. We had a lot of play time and scene time. We drank. We danced. We shared stories. We laughed and had amazing sex. We just enjoyed each other like we used to. It was amazing. Last night was St. Patrick’s Day, and we decided to go out and celebrate. I did not get all fancy, but I was getting hit on by some old creepy guy. It was a turn on for me to see my Master become possessive. Many don’t like that, but for a subbie, to have their owners claim that which belongs to them in such an open forum is a proud moment. In a way it is to say,”This is mine. You cannot have her. You’re going to have to fight your way through me first.” It doesn’t happen as often as i’d like but when it does, I purr……

There were a few things we didn’t get to do together as I had hoped, however there will be more chances. I missed just being us. Not being wrapped up in everyday crap. All of my life I yearned to have someone who wanted to be with me, not choose their careers over me and vice versa. I wanted someone who would rather spend time with each other and doing things together. Not at work or other useless things like that. I can be a workaholic. But why work your life into the ground when someone is a part of your life and WANTS to spend that life with you? Humans weren’t made to work. I don’t want to compete with someone’s job just to spend time with them. If that’s the case, then I’ll just live life alone yknow? It took me a long time to figure that out. Perhaps why I don’t push so hard on my career anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but i’m not going to revolve my life around it anymore. I want a life. I want to love. I want a home and a family. I want to be happy. Work will always be there, life however does not wait for anyone.

Have scenes again with Master on a regular basis has done wonders for us both mentally and dynamically. That consistency I’ve been craving is really helping my PMDD as well as my obedience with Master. Little changes like that puts my mind at ease at work as well as home. It makes me feel needed and wanted. He’s continually pushing my limits and it makes me feel proud again as well! The kink event is approaching closer and i’m so eager for it. There is a stressful couple of weeks that will occur sooner and while i’m very nervous about it, I hope that Master and I will not buckle under its weight. My demons are going to have a field day if we do……

I just need to remember to hold tightly onto my collar and remind myself that I am His and that I am safe. I am owned and I am loved. I am His.

Under The Alpha’s Protection.


It doesn’t take much to make a girl feel invisible. We’ve all felt like we’re competing with an ex. Let’s just say you’ve checked out her Facebook page only to find out she’s prettier and has a great career and really good hair. You’re allowed to hate her a little bit for this. But if he makes you feel like you don’t compare, not only is he not over her, he’s a jerk. Fear does things to people. Far too many tragedies happen to good people in the name of fear. It’s a fucking shame… And there is very little that can be done to feel better about it, when such a loss in a bond is felt. It fucking sucks.

However, if you want your relationship/dynamic to survive you MUST overcome all of this. A submissive’s body is in the hands of the dominant. The dominants conscience is in the hands of the submissive. This is a very true insight. One that must be honored always, by both. Together, mutually, they rise.

Our brains are wired to protect themselves. That’s why when trust is broken, it hurts, and then we don’t let ourselves relax again. But just like the soldier who comes back from the war, and must learn to accept that not everyone is trying to kill him, the heartbroken girl that comes back from a bad breakup must learn that not everyone is trying to hurt her.

Our problems, as humans, are not complex. They all… ALL… Have completely predictable outcomes. The only thing that makes it complicated, is our genetic based failure to accept reality for what it is. If we learn to accept things for what they are, and allow ourselves to weather the pain of it (and stop getting offended by people who remind you to get over it) the suffering goes down… CONSIDERABLY.

Dwelling, is a suffering multiplier.

I am learning this and I think it’s finally sinking into this incredibly thick skull of mine. Despite the issues Master and I had this morning dealing with Her, I kinda just said whatever. I cannot change what has already occurred, and I cannot predict the future, so why dwell on such things? Instead, I need to hold onto my collar, close my eyes, and feel the connection and spark I felt in our scene last night. It’s those tender moments that I wish were consistent. Those connections and re-igniting our bond helps get me through the times like this morning. The scene was intense and Master REALLY pushed me and my limits. There was a time or two that with each landing of the knots of the cat on my skin, I wasn’t sure I could go on, but I did. While I still have a hard time with being able to be marked, I was floating. Subspace is the point in which you stop thinking, and simply just… Be. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed such a scene and do hope to enjoy more.

I am still eager and antsy about seeing everyone next month. I’m also scared because I know our dynamic has had quite the setback, I feel behind in our dynamic compared to where we were a year ago. I guess time will tell. I am also eager for this other crap to end, but alas, I know that I’ve given up the wishful thinking regarding to how Master will handle things and deal with em and I just will take them as life lessons, and reason why I will remain always alert. This kitten can take care of herself and her enemies all by herself. It’s a saddening factor as I loved being under my Alpha’s protection. Perhaps she still is, except when it comes to her……

And then the Alpha Female took lead….

Yesterday, Master had a task list set for me yesterday that was filled with both everyday duties and a surprise of mani/pedi.

Say what!? Yep. He wanted kitten to be spoiled.

[insert glee and giddiness]

Afterwards we went lingerie shopping and he picked out some pretty lace items for kitten to wear. We came home where I gave him a full body message (with a happy ending of course) as my way to say “Thank you.”

Although it was relaxing to me to feel the soreness of life being worked out of my hands and feetsies, My mind continues to grow tired.


She’s at it again. Yesterday I was followed home by her mother. (What are we 12!?) I brought it up to Master, but again it seems he feels powerless and stated he will not be doing anything about it.

I had hoped he would understand and see it from where I was coming from, that he swore to protect me against anything, but not her? Perhaps he’s used to that. That habit  with her, a fear, of not standing up to them. I understand he doesn’t want anything to do with her, so in return, he feels if he ignores her then he’s under the impression that will get to Her more than anything else. And granted with many things that is true. Trust me, i’d love to be able to just ignore this, and I have for months but it continues. I am not one to just ignore things and hope they go away…. I will MAKE them go away. It broke my heart to hear him say,”I can’t” and “I won’t.” I know in my case i’d do the Something about it if the roles were reversed. However, they’re not. I am used to protecting myself alone against harm, it’s what I’ve known my whole life. I’m going to not hold this against him though. I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do on their own, that is not who I am. I know in my heart he’d still protect me in other areas and places when he can. I grew up never needing a hero or to be saved…. It was very clear that women like me couldn’t be saved. We weren’t damsels in distress, we created our own distress. We became our own heroes. We dreamt of having a warrior to stand beside us in the battle of life. But then I stopped allowing myself to dream, because it was more painful to long for things and never get them than to deal with whatever was in front of me. I’m too old to hear nonsense anymore. Too old to believe that everything will be alright…. I just need action over words and to stop expecting for things to happen to me because i’d do it for others. I just need to let life continue with its course, both the good and the bad.

The mutt knows somethings wrong. All day i’ve been on the brink of crying and anger. I’ve sat in silence. Haven’t said but maybe two words. I let the music of peace fill the house loudly. The day’s weather reflects my moods switching between bright snowfall and dark rain fall. Yet, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t sleep. He watches me with concerned eyes. He’s not next to me like usual, no. He’s across the house near the front windows. Protection. He has it.

My friends i’ve vented to all say I need to have patience and understanding and I do. They all ask why nothing can be done, and I reply I don’t know. I started to wonder if perhaps he still loves and cares for her…. They ask if i’ll be alright and of course I will be. I don’t know what else to be. They ask if Master and I will be alright and I reply…. Of course we will be. Despite moments like this, He’s MY owner. I wouldn’t have it any other way….

I know i’ve been wanting another firearm to add to my everyday carry goodies, but I’m thinking right now, i’m going to add more ink. My fetlife name is “kittenwithink after all and the pain of the needle is what i’m needing. That pain to lift from my soul and tired heart. That pain to be released. I want to have some kind of reminder that while the wounds heal, they don’t disappear forever I carry them everywhere, always, and that is the way of things, the way of scars.
That is what this tattoo will be, for me: a scar.