To Own or Not to Own… That is the question……….

I accidentally let it slip while at work last night when I was asked if I was married. I replied, “No, but my Owner-” and then corrected myself and stumbled a response than in my awkwardness seemed to scare them away.

Oops. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have made this mistake a time or two. However, this morning I began to think as I looked over the marks of ownership my Master left me from last night. So I ask of you reading this:

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

For me, personally, It means exactly as it sounds. Like you’d own a car or an animal. You must take care of it, nurture it, use it as you’d like in however you’d like, maintain its’ wellbeing, and of course when you’re with it; it’ll shine as you take such pride in it. Granted, human beings are different from that of a car, but the idea is the same. If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it.

Let me repeat that.

If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it. 

 I cannot stress how fucking TERRIFYING it is to truly submit to another and i’m almost certain Master feels the same way. Think about it. You are allowing someone else to take control of not just you physically, but your mind and heart. The decisions you’d have no issues, doing your own, are no longer yours to make. Meaning, if they do it in a way that you wouldn’t normally do, well too bad! It’s the rules now. (Now of course the limitations vary in each dynamic but this is just a perspective based on my own personal experience.)  The fear of getting it all very wrong is very real and can cause such turmoil in each other. However, it all comes down to trust. It’s all about knowing that the other person has the power to destroy you and everything you believe in, yet giving them the chance not to. Mistakes will happen so that is why so it’s so essential not to rush into this!!! Sub/Dom frenzy will be the death of a deep and meaningful D/s. There’s so much power exchange between each other. Granted again this is purely from my own experiences as a submissive, I’m hopeful Master could tell his side.

Many feel that D/s is a chance to fulfill the emptiness they have inside from a lack of whatever in their lives. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. You must be able to not only take care of yourself, but also be confident in yourself and happy with yourself. If you’re unable to do either how are you even possible to do that for another?!

“Ownership of another human being is both an honor and a responsibility. The honor is to be entrusted with another’s life by someone who, giving informed consent, makes an adult decision to allow their well-being to be in the care of another. The responsibility is living up to that trust, and making sure to take the appropriate care. Ownership is not something to take lightly by either party. For the one who would be owned, it requires a good deal of faith. For the one who would own another, it means being sure that your own person and affairs are in order.” –Cyd Athens

I’ve seen first hand what bad ownership can do to a submissive. They literally destroy that person past their foundation and core. You talk about abuse, it goes beyond abandonment and anguish. That person believed they had found happiness and not soon after was abandoned and left to fend for herself. It destroyed everything she believed in and the trust was almost irreparable. Again, that is why it’s essential not to rush things. Let them develop slowly and naturally don’t dive in head first at the deepest end of the ocean! Learn each other. Play with each other. Understand each other. It’s a way of teaching each other about one another, so that when you gain or relinquish that control you can do it knowing you’ve given them at least the basic tools to get the job done.

Here’s an example: In my dynamic, Master will prepare me some hot tea when I get home from shift in order to help with me not only relax enough to sleep but make sure my health is maintained since I am exposed to so many individuals that could be sick. In exchange I make certain Master’s coffee is always ready to go before he goes on duty so that I know he’s not only warm in the cold winter weather, but alert and somewhat awake so that he’s not at risk for sleepy mistakes out there.

See? Even the littlest things can mean so much when it’s done with care and concern. Ownership is just taking care of each other, regardless of the roles you play in your dynamic. Taking care of my needs doesn’t make him any less of a Master. There are those who have protocols in their dynamics that state the bottom/sub/slave must DO everything. Not knocking it at all if that is your dynamic. However, I have seen where the “Dom” will say that if a sub doesn’t do EVERYTHING, then their Dom is not a true Dom. I call bullshit. And this goes for the primal ones as well, to fulfill their needs includes caring for the needs of the ones who depend on you in your pack. Whether that need is sexual, play or health wise, as the Alpha you must make sure your pack is happy and well fed. Regardless if the responsibility is too much, there’s no shame in rejecting the request to own or be owned. Don’t risk it.

So… Again, I ask of you who read this….

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

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Taking care of Sir.

In this D/s lifestyle many see the Dom/Top/Master/Owner etc.. as this all-knowing holy-er than, high and mighty, strong as an ox type of person. They never break. They never falter. They are to always to be seen as strong and never weak.

Lies.

They (both male and female tops – never gender specific!) are human just like me and you. They too have  to deal with the ups and downs of human emotions and mindsets. They have to deal with the wear and tear of daily thought processes, interactions and the constant self-reflections of “Am I doing this right?” that submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc have to deal with as well.

Master and I have had a push and pull dynamic as we are both strong personalities and have weak moments, which is a common human trait for everyone however we feel we must strive in our roles and sometimes the need to be those roles for each other will conflict with what we are actually feeling or dealing with at the time. For example, this morning. He didn’t sleep well last night (I didn’t either) and I could tell he was really exhausted and hurting. I offered to make him coffee while He got ready for work and he ordered me to stay in bed and rest. A good subbie would do as she’s told. I, however, ignored his order and got up anyways to at least start up some strong coffee and do some morning chores to at least help get his day started. I could tell he was irked at my defiance but then seemed pleased there was fresh hot coffee awaiting his tired self. Now I am not a defiant pet, I actually listen pretty well for the most part. But as his partner in this dynamic duo I knew he needed some TLC and some help, so while risking a punishment, I did what I had to in order to care for the one I love. I know it’s hard for both of us to allow each other to be taken care of as we are both used to never having someone care and love and support us. We never had that need fulfilled in our previous relationships and felt it was the norm. I know myself personally I am always used to taking care of the other person and never myself, and now I have someone who wants to take care of me and it can be overwhelming sometimes. But at the same time the need I have to serve and cater to my Sir is still there and very strong and when I can do even the littlest and smallest things to contribute to us and our dynamic I feel so good within like I am worth something and I can do things to make him proud of me and need me. While I am doing a victory dance I know he’s thinking the opposite not because he doesn’t like it, I know in fact he loves it, but the fact that he isn’t used to it and it can be overwhelming.

This dynamic we are in is still evolving and growing as we continue to learn with and from each other. That also means breaking each other from our molds and old shells. Old habits and what not but sometimes that can shake a person to their very core and I know Master sometimes battles within and it can wear him down. I see it and I know that he wants to remain the “stronger” one, I need to let him know that when the time comes that he needs to let his shield and guard down even just for a moment that as his submissive and his partner that it’s okay and I won’t judge him or see him differently. That is why people say that submissives aren’t weak at all, because we too have to be strong for our tops. We have to be able to hold them up when they feel too worn to stand, and not be afraid or ashamed to do it. I don’t mind it and i’m hoping he knows that he can lean on me for that support and be the strength he needs to give him that little push to get back on track or help him focus. He’s my best friend and i’d do anything for him to better him in the ways he WANTS to. I will never make him to mold him to anything based on what I think is best because I refuse to change or control him. That is something that is often mistaken by some subs/slaves. They manipulate to control and that is a shame. I love it when he takes charge of not only myself and our dynamic but of his own life, his own dreams, his own goals and demons. To see him stand above and do things many don’t think he can do. She – for example- sees him as some spineless person who couldn’t wipe his own ass without her guidance. Many see her as doing the womanly aspect of controlling funds, bills, household for a smooth sailing ship when in reality she has simply become the puppet master, and he is simply the puppet. I know this because when I saw him outside that control it was intoxicating how he could just make things happen by the drive in his heart. That drive in his heart is what I want to nurture, care for and love to help it grow and find more strength and confidence.

I know with the recent changes our life has really done 180’s but I hope that soon we can start to level out and find our footing again. It makes me proud of the progress he has made over time because I knew he had it in him all along, I just have to keep caring for my Sir because that’s what good girls do 🙂

Thursdays.

When you move to a new place you often are curious of the places around you. Yesterday I started mine by meeting up with Master and one of his co-workers for lunch. To say the least it was awkward for me. I still am not too sure how to act around him as for majority of our relationship has been apart and long distance so we didn’t do a whole lot in public together. Plus I don’t know how wants to act with me especially with co-workers or in uniform. I wear my day collar always and its a way for me to still feel connected and owned by him but even still in public who am I?  The rest of the day was a shitty blur. For starters: Google maps & Siri need to get their shit together I was lost like crazy and really didn’t go that far! I spent a ton on some food for the house, I know Master likes to snack and it’s making me so happy that he’s finally eating again. Plus it felt great to contribute to the house and us so I didn’t feel like such a leach. I did happen to see Her and felt a bit uneasy wondering if she planned to run me off the road, which luckily didn’t happen. At the days end I was a bit frazzled. Not sure if it was getting lost or what exactly but I wasn’t exactly thrilled. My meds didn’t seem to be working since I took them that morning and I stupidly opened a bottle of wine and drowned my brain cells with it. Funny thing too a friend from my community even warned me about drinking in my new location because of the change in altitude really effects one’s tolerance. Oops. I felt better (or so I thought) and blared music and cooked happily a big dinner for Master. I wanted to try some things as he is very selective of what he eats or doesn’t and I didn’t want to let that hinder us like it had with others so I felt awesome to take this challenge with ease. I don’t remember much after dinner I guess I stupidly sparked a fight. I do know in the back of my mind I was missing something. Home. My friends. My family. It was Thursday and I didn’t get to go to coffee like I had been almost religiously for over a year. I was missing my kink. I knew this change meant leaving a lot behind and I still don’t regret it don’t get me wrong but I do miss some of what I left. I’m sure once I get going on the career i’ll find new friends but master said we aren’t allowed to be apart of the community here which hurts me but I understand his reasons. My kink is a big part of who I am inside because of what it gave me when I first came into it. It’s still early on and I know there are some things to figure out within each other. Who knows perhaps Master will allow us to venture out of here to find another community to be apart of, but I know none will ever compare to my locals back home.

No longer a stray….

Pets like me who don’t have a home are often considered “strays” or “wild“. A home for me is a place of belonging. A place where you are loved, comfortable and at peace. Where I was once calling “home” is more of a place to sleep and eat and where my animals and I lived. Where my clothes were kept. Where my things were placed but it was not what I considered a realhome” for me. I never felt at place there, I never felt like it was where I needed to be. When Master would visit for however amount of time that seemed to be the only time I felt I could be comfortable there. When I would travel to different places for work I often felt myself searching for that home-ly feeling in hopes to find perhaps where I needed to be. Much like a stray moving from place to place… I could never seem find it.

……Until now. The changes in recent days, weeks and months have led me to here. Here I am now with my Master and I cannot believe it. For the first time in my life I feel where I need to be, I didn’t even feel this when I was married to the supposed “love of my life” *pffttt*. I am sleeping peacefully. I am eating happily without remorse or concern. I am able to stretch my body and feel everything slowly release that was once tight with stress and agony. When the nightmares of the past creep back into my mind I awake and feel the comfort feeling wrap me up in the warmth of protection and I can so easily sleep again. My animals must sure feel this peace as they seem to roam with ease. Master is doing his best to silence a lot of the concerns I have – since stress is something I’ve never ever gone a single day without. He wants to take care of me and I am fighting every fiber of my being to allow him to do so, after all isn’t that what every woman wants? I fear being a lush or lard like someone has been with him in his past. He says I am not and I do my best to do my part here until the career picks up again.

I am not his house slave- let’s not get those things confused. While I am a horrid suzy homemaker I feel, I know our home is slowly but surely coming together furniture piece by furniture piece. I do however know for certain want to take care of him as he has never had that before, which for me is so incredibly hard to fathom let alone believe. I sometimes wonder if he tells me little lies like that not to intend to hurt me but to make me feel better? I know it’ll take time as we continue to learn things about each other from habits to quirks. I am so excited to expand our D/s dynamic to a 24/7. To know that I can kneel beside him, curl up in his lap, feel his grip around my throat as my collar snugs and the bell charms. To play and scene as often as he wishes. To continue to try new things, and experiment with new ideas. The toy box growing with goodies. I am just so excited in that area for a subbie like me it’s a dream come true! It’s still in the early stages so protocols and tasks will be put into place soon i’m certain. I know he misses it I think. I often wonder what crosses his domly mind. What dominant aspects he thinks of, dreams of, daydreams and creates in his mind. I crave that in him. I don’t know why.

As far as outside our dynamic, things are flowing as they can i’m sure. My friends & family are concerned for my safety and well being as She is still on the crazy pursuit and I am a little afraid to leave the security of my home. It’s frustrating. I am not a person to be afraid. I don’t like that feeling at all but at the same time I do not want to make life difficult for either Master nor myself right now for too much is at stake in both of our lives and careers. I now know how people feel that I once interacted with at work on the street used to scream and shout “S/He is fucking crazy why don’t you believe me!? Why won’t you do something!?”

So that sums up the update. I missed journaling. I missed writing but with this feeling of finally finding my home and my place at my Masters side I don’t have all the mundane thoughts floating in my head, instead it is I that is floating happily for the first time in my life and I have no intentions of ever coming down……

Thanks mom.

A successful day I thought, regarding progress of moving forward. Master and I continued setting out plans and making changes a reality among the both of us despite a busy schedule. Yes there was a bit of a misunderstanding regarding viewpoints (Didn’t I just talk about this yesterday!?) on our Protocols. I forget sometimes that we are still learning each other within this dynamic. Doesn’t help i’m medicated and still unable to level out. it makes it hard I don’t want to be that horrible subbie who cannot get a grip on herself. It’s not fair to either of us. I’m frustrated I guess and perhaps a bit impatient. This is years in the making and I want it now. This evening after my run I spoke to my mother. She’s relentless and I figured I better finally answer her phone call as I can’t avoid her forever before she tracks me down. Maybe because she was drinking but she felt the need to remind me of all my failed relationships whenever I tried to let another take control of my life. 

*sigh* 

She reminded me of my debts. My failed marriage. That if I decide to make this life change she understands that it’s not to better my life or my career but mostly because “you like being around him”. of course she tried to make it sound less mean by adding “and thats okay…” at the end. Didn’t really help. She also told me how she doesn’t want me to leave and that if things don’t work out (as she added “like they have before in the past a few times”) that she hopes i’ll come back home. 

*sigh again* 

I told her that while Master (I don’t call him that with her fyi) has been wonderful encouragement and motivation for me lately that in fact I do want to pursue to better my career and life. I’m miserable here. flat out downright miserable and unhappy. it’s the same ol town. same ol people doing the same ol shit. I hate where i’m at right now i’m in a lull or a rut that I haven’t been able to escape in years. I want change. I want something new and fresh. Start over where no one knows my name. Her response was “well that change comes from within you not running away to another place.” 

*Sigh* i’m not running away. 

She continued reminding me that its a small town there too and she is there and she will create more drama for me just like here. That I could face the same kind of work environment as I do now. That oh yea my relationship success rate is equal to that of the success rate of the dodo bird.  

*head slam* that did it. The seed of doubt had been planted. Curiosity sprung me and I went looking for this doubt like a dumbass. I found her FB page and ahhh yes, Master told him his current friends and her were no longer acquaintances and didn’t want anything to do with her. 

wrong

he told me that all of his familys hates her and no longer wants to have contact with her.

Wrong. they’re on her friends list too… 

And I got to wondering and thinking and remembering the drama and hell I went thru during my ordeal. How so called ‘friends and family’ would gossip between us. Telling the ex what my fb had or what friend I added or whatever. It was downright awful. I left that crap years ago I don’t want to go through this again. it’s hard to believe it won’t happen and I won’t make master choose it’s unfair, I already know as i’ve had to practically choose with my own friends over master. 

I have a bad feeling. something is off. maybe its the doubt seed blossoming. i hope not. noot when we are this close. I just don’t want to be the one who is being gossiped and dissected like I had to deal with after fair couple years ago. I just want to be happy already… is that too much to ask for? 

W.T.R….

submission

Syllabification: sub·mis·sion

Pronunciation: /səbˈmiSHən/

NOUN

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person:
 
Things are really happening. It’s finally hitting me. Master has given me the 411 if you may and we may finally be joining households soon… very very soon. While i’m doing somersaults inside it hit me as well that this will be the first time i’m making a big life change without a plan of my own. No job. No real plan. just kinda winging it here. Master and I have been reading a book together that has been helping with our dynamic & better understanding of the lifestyle immensely (You can find it HERE) and we try to discuss it together to improve communication and understanding of each other not just our mentality but view points as well because we all know two people can have two very different views on the same subject. Tonight’s chapter was the different descriptions and understandings of various submissive roles. At the end of the chapter the author mentions how it is ESSENTIAL that a submissive is honest with her Sir at all times, not just for trust or arguments sake but the fact that if she says something just to please him he cannot make a good decision based on bad information. 

Fact. 

Master wants me to relocate closer to him. In doing so he stated he would assist me in the finances area. That is a core-shaker for me. I’m almost 30 and have NEVER let ANYONE EVER take 100% care of me in that manner. Not even when I was married. I don’t know how to handle it. Perhaps my upbringing? My mother is the kind of person that if she does something for you – you better believe she’s going to make you pay for it and remind you of all the things she’s done for you or given you. My father is quite the opposite. When I was married I tried to depend on my (ex)husband but was constantly let down, hence one of the MANY reasons we divorced. When I tried to depend on another whether it was a love interest or a friend i’ve been let down time and time again. I’ve learned to simply rely on myself. I’ve been homeless. I’ve gone days without food or a place to live. I’ve slept in parks. I’ve gone without because I tried to depend on another and was left on my ass and i’m terrified of that again. I’ve struggled a lot in my life but i’m doing okay compared to many. I’m very fortunate to have the little that I do have. It isn’t much or fancy but i’ve done the best I can and am grateful for everything I own. It often takes the forces of nature to allow anyone to assist me often times my dad would have to shove $20 down my throat just to help with gas money or my mom would have to sneak into my apartment to put a few groceries she felt I needed (I’ve since revoked her key) I’m grateful but I don’t want to appear helpless or incompetent. I don’t make much I get that but I do the best I can which is why since the age of 14 i’ve been working. I’ve never taken a “vacation”. I’ve never traveled but maybe a 3 day quick venture to 3 cities. i’ve never just not worried unless I was heavily medicated. I’ve never just had a break. I want one I just don’t know how to achieve that.

In submission is to let go. to turn your life into the hands of another. to trust. 

I trust him and I want to place my hands in his and let him guide me to be a better person not just submissive. In our love i find the will to let go little by little. I’m afraid this will be held over me but we both know that this is the best and most efficient way for us to push forward with both of our goals in both life and within our dynamic. 

it’s like bungee jumping. the hardest part is letting go and falling knowing you won’t slam into the ground and splatter like a bug on a windshield.

It begins.

War brings out the best and the worst in people. Or maybe it just brings out the worst, in many different shapes. But surely today, war could also mean restoring law and order by dropping a few sophisticated bombs? No, it couldn’t. 

Today his world was set on fire and I felt as if our love was the fan that fueled the spark of unhappiness into a fiery flame. I don’t want to be that woman. I often look back and to this day I never saw it coming. I don’t regret a single thing. I have found my master and mate. In the most unorthodox way but it happened. Perhaps our paths were destined to cross to save each other from the years of feeling lost, like something was missing from our very souls. We both know things are about to move fast and publicly. In this day and age of social media rumors and what not are going to be flying. I can only hope my presence in his life does not ruin him. I only want to build him not destroy him. He is worried for me and I don’t want him to be. I need him to focus because I need to focus myself. i can only hope he stays on task as I know from experience these things are fickle and delicate and downright dirty. She will not play fair. I hope he isn’t either. 

Today for myself between doctors, lawyers, legal and what not my head is still spinning. I just want to get away from here. I’m over it all. Master allowed me to see a movie with some friends and one of those friends is one he does not trust me with (for good reasons as I’ve made mistakes in the past). I am doing my best to prove to him my loyalty and regain the trust that was lost. In doing so I hurt my friend. They all went to eat and I pretty much just blew them off and came home. I got a text of concern and what I could disseminate thru the message was disappointment and hurt. I am being made to choose sides and it’s breaking my heart. This friend did nothing wrong to me. Has always stood by me and has even picked me up off the floor at my darkest days….. But I love my master and will do all I can to keep him and prove to him. So as the tears pricked the edges of my eyes I had to push them back. Sometimes in life you hurt those you care about for those you love. It’s unfair but it’s how it is sometimes. 

Times like this I need my master here. I need to be with him. Only in each others comfort and safety are we able to break and I think we both need to break and save each other tonight.