Question for my followers…..

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As submissives, we’re greedy. Let’s not kid ourselves, we’re greedy about what’s ours. As for a poly relationship, I cannot speak for them as i’m not Poly, either way I know from my standpoint we’re gonna protect what’s ours and that’s that. However, I know that often times we ought to appreciate our Domly Dom fellas (And Lady Dommes too!) Many things can help them see how much we appreciate all the things they do for us! Baths, body massages, cooking dinner, gifts, love notes, screaming orgasms…. etc. I love spoiling my Master. Whether in gifts, blow jobs, hot baths, whatever will make him feel like the King, I will do it. It brings me such joy to do so!

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So here’s the question to those who actually read & follow my blog: What do you do or have done for your Sir/Mistresses to show your appreciation and affection for them???

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.

Fourth,

ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….

Fifth,

Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n

I hate him. 

  

I hate him. Them. All of the ones who have left their marks on my soul (and some on my body) which has destroyed my perceptions and self esteem in so many ways. Years of lies, deceit and pain from the the ones who led me to believe they would only care for me and never allow me to feel any hurt or let any tears fall from my eyes. Because of those in my past, my future has become an obstacle and has made me someone I’m not always proud of or happy to be. I have habits, demons and nightmares that make me hate myself sometimes. I punish the ones closest to me subconsciously and i can’t help but want to hate myself even more. The vicious circle continues …….
And I feel utterly powerless to stop the snowball effect it has at times. 

The other day I watched Master go thru his things he received from Her. My mind fluttered as I wondered what he felt as he went through years and years of memories stored away for who knows how long. I wondered what he felt? My curiosity knows no limits. Of course she left little hints here and there for him, a couple of old memories together and while it cut me deep inside, it was a life before me. I have memories of a life before him. I watched as he lit a match, and set a fire to his past, not saying a word as the ashes blew away in the wind. It took me back to my own little burning when I divorced. I burned photo after photo, documents, letters, cards, everything that reminded me of the past. I didn’t love my ex-husband. That I know now, but I do know with all of my being that I love my Master. He’s my best friend. My lover. My Mate. My Alpha. My mentor. My teacher. My rock. 

When the past creeps up and tears my own self conscious apart I feel awful to see what I am putting him through, yet so powerless to stop it. There is so much pain and hurt in my past, beyond that of some heart break of failed relationships. I was beaten without my consent. I was verbally abused. I was raped and have believed for years I am nothing but damaged goods. 
But My Master still loves me beyond it. 
I don’t know why. 
But he does. 
I think he’s fucking crazy for doing so. To this day I think he got the shitty end of the deal being stuck with someone like me. I’m nothing like Her. She’s educated. I’m not. I can’t help but compare myself to her even though I feel sorry for her delusional soul. Yet the demons, they flourish on this crap and I feel myself almost enslaved to the haunting of the visions of my worst memories. They haunt my dreams so vividly I don’t remember the punches that are thrown and the tears that are shed, every single night by me. My pride says I’m going to get myself through this since I’m the one who did this to myself. I feel I’m beyond the help of some Freudian graduate who’s going to hear me talk at $300 an hour and had absolutely NO idea what it’s like to endure the most terrifying moments no one should ever experience. To know what it’s like to feel helpless underneath a stranger. To feel defenseless, surrendered against your will. To feel damaged and ugly from the inside out, no matter what anyone says. To feel abandoned by everyone who said they would never let anything happen to you. 

If only I could set my past on fire completely, watching it finally disappear from my soul as it escapes along the wind…… 

Collaring ceremonies.

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When my Master placed his collar on me, I didn’t have a big fancy ceremony. It was just the privacy of the two of us. Some have ceremonies, some do it in front of friends (or family) Either way, it’s a wonderful experience! The above link is to an article of a ceremony that I saw on a FB group i’m apart of. It’s something I think I would like should Master and I ever decide to have a formal ceremony…

Taming the Lioness.

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There’s nothing more Dominant, than a Dominant who cares for his submissive. To those who have been following along, I am not improving as I had hoped. Granted, it’s only been a little over a week, but I am impatient and so is Master. The recent vomiting and other wonderful immune system dysfunctions have caused him continuous concern. I am not used to not pull my own weight when it comes to household finances. In fact, in my previous relationships and my Marriage I was pretty much the ONLY one really putting forth in the finance department. It’s something i’ve gotten very used to and i’m okay with. I’m fortunate to have a true partner with my Master. We always put forth as a team, partnership, 100%/100%. Pack mentality takes over and we both put forth an effort to keep our pack healthy and doing well. I am ill, I get that and it was today I was due to return to work, however Master pulled Alpha and said no. I am not where he wants me to be health wise and I am in no position to argue, even though I tried. Don’t get me wrong, I am stressing regarding finances, but for the first time in my life I am not that worried. It’s weird for me to say that, as if you’ve seen my writings a year ago, I was a walking lunatic overwhelmed with stress. Master is right and I am listening. I am being obedient and listening to my Owner who knows me better than anyone. I am not well, and in my line of work, if you are not on your game, people can get hurt. That is something i’m not willing to have on my conscience. So i’m home a little while longer and i’ll return to the doctor as soon as Monday.

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I won’t lie. It’s VERY hard for a submissive to fight all that she’s trained herself to do and who she is to allow another person to say,”Guess what, you’re going to do it my way and that’s that.” The lioness warrior in me and the Kitten in me are at odds with each other. They both agree they need to listen to their Alpha, however, I know I need to get back on my feet and the other says,”You’re ill. Fucking stop and take care of yourself.” I know it’s a silly conundrum but it happens. But because I just allowed my owner do what owners are supposed to do, it made things easier. Another “ah-ha” moment in D/s if you will, a Dominant is meant to take care of their submissives, and if they don’t, then why the hell would anyone want a person to be in charge of them? That’s like paying to see a doctor only to not receive an ounce of treatment? Sure, Master could have allowed me to go to work. Sure, he could have said we’d deal with things later. But, would that have been wise? I have to trust him and his words and for me to shut my stubborn side up, to me that is a big feat of my own. I am proud of that fact. And I am even more proud of him for taking my health and care as a priority (not like he doesn’t do that already – but i’m still proud regardless…). As his submissive, I encourage all other subs both of the newbies and the experienced, I encourage you all to always make sure you praise your Sir. Praise him for taking the moments to flog you when you need it, to love you when you don’t always need it. To make sure you are healthy, sane, safe, cared for and protected. To praise the Alpha who makes sure you are aware that you are still a strong and intelligent lioness perfectly capable of hunting her prey and fighting off the dangers that could threaten your pack, but that you allow him to take the role at the head of your Pack and that he will cherish that position you’ve allowed him in your life because he knows that was not an easy decision to make. We all carry our wounds with us as reminders of the struggles we’ve faced in our pasts. These scars are reminders of what we defeated and how the phoenix rose from the ashes of hell. We are that phoenix. Listening to your Sir does not make you any less of one. Remember that. I had to.

Ignoring is not always the smartest Idea…..

So a topic/writing/whatever caught my eye recently on Fetlife and outside of work, it really weighed heavily as it was a hell of a debate to observe. Granted, this is written from my point of view, but, it’s something i’ve seen more and more often. It’s a long writing, but the title alone is as follows….

“Ignoring is a legitimate and often a useful tool of behavior modification that I advocate.”

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Wat.

Here’s the thing; Said author believes that this works, especially for those bratty subs who don’t take punishments seriously, or perhaps a dom who isn’t Dom-ly enough to really put their foot down. While I understand the underlying message that’s trying to be channeled across is the idea of,”I’m very hurt with you by your behavior or your actions.” I don’t believe that willful or deliberate ignoring one or another is exactly a smart move.

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Take for example capital punishment. While many crimes deserve it, it was Ghandi who once said,”An eye for an eye will make the world blind” the same basis goes for that of the punishment and ignoring idea. If my Master was to ignore me, eventually i’m going to be so hurt and angry i’m going to ignore right back…. And the vicious circle will commence until one of us breaks. And not only will ignoring your sub hurt them emotionally, the mental anguish can reach an insane amount of uncertainty. It can rattle their core being, question your loyalty, your integrity and above all, question their faith in you and your dynamic. Unless you are openly poly, how is ignoring your sub going to solidify that you are always going to keep your promise of never intentionally causing them harm? To make any submissive question if their Dom still wants them is to intentionally inflict harm into their heart and souls.

Many say that ignoring is a form of sub-abandonment and that’s just downright abuse. You don’t ever abandon those who count on you. You may hear other terms like neglect as well and it just keeps going from there. Again, it’s all a part of the responsibilities in a basic D/s lifestyle.

Now, if you DID want to instill some type of stern behavior modification, without the ignoring part, then I always suggest doing your research. Master and I have discussed some possible punishments should I ever need them. Time-outs are one as I absolutely HATE silence, and to be away from my master. It’s not ignoring but to me it’s the closest to it without the whole, yknow, abandonment part. I’ve seen alternate versions like corner time, some use things from old guard days. A dominant friend of mine requires his submissives to write essays on what they did wrong. I’ve seen some require humiliation punishments and other varying forms of punishments based on the severity of the offense. The worst i’ve ever seen is the removal of one’s collar, and the submissive had to earn it back.

But again, no use or need of the ignoring method.

Perhaps because of how sensitive many women are, considering how hard it is for anyone to let down their guarded walls. It’s a terrifying thing and then to be ignored is just salt to the wounds. Just like any relationship, if the Sub feels her Dom cannot make her smile, that he isn’t helping her grow in a positive way, if she’s just not smiling anymore, if she doesn’t feel the need to kneel and serve his every need or just fulfill her role happily…. well then adios dude.

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So, with all that being said, I know that I’d love to hear from other Submissives and Dominants on their thoughts regarding this topic! Comment and share!

April

A new month begins. The month I’ve been looking forward to for such a long time. So many events are due to occur and it’s going to be fabulous. One of which may be sooner than later, but only time will tell. As usual the tiny moments of laziness and any inclination to relax is overshadowed by a large wave of stress. Busy day-to-day lives which i’m sure will test us on every level.

That’s something I have to remind myself often. Master does the best he can. He is going to make mistakes; that’s a given. However, he does the best that he can. He may not always get it right, he may not always get it wrong either. He has other things on his mind, other worries, other stresses. I, above all, understand how those things can play into effect when it comes to trying to balance everyday life on top of the “what-if” thoughts that often come into play at the most unwanted times. Murphy LOVES to play those kind of fuckery games. I have to remember that Master does the best he can, even on the days that it seems he just doesn’t care or isn’t paying attention. One thing that I have noticed lately, is myself turning inward. I am apologizing for nothing and often feel as if i’m constantly making mistakes. Perhaps it’s stemming from the feeling of uncertainty or my PMDD or something. Perhaps its the ever-increasing stress from work and dealing with the arrival of Masters family. They are due to stay with us for a short period of time, and one of them is still friends with Her and god I can’t even come up with enough words of how uneasy I am over it all. The impending ridicule, dissection of my home, my life, my lifestyle, how my house looks, what I own, what I do, etc…. I feel as if i’m awaiting a flood of insults, laughter, mockery and humiliation. The stress is growing every day and while I don’t want to go down that road I feel it’s just a storm that’s awaiting. The moment the idea was mentioned, every single red flag and buzzer went off in my head, but I am no one and my opinions were not heard, therefore, here we are and I am seriously considering taking every single medication to make sure my mood is in check and I am in a medicated coma until I head off to work where I will be able to function semi-normal. How do we go about our everyday life now with the invasion of the nillas in our home? I can’t wear my house collar, we can’t scene, I can’t call Master “Master” or do the everyday things that make me feel at home…..

Adding insult to injury, I’ve continued to run scenarios in my head regarding our lifestyle. Why is it that it’s easier to say that one is gay and so much harder to say that they live an everyday Dominant’/submissive dynamic? I imagine what my co-workers, even the openly poly ones, would say…..

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It’s a scary thought because I don’t want to be seen as any less, and many see submissive as weak individuals, when in fact we are quite opposite. My mother, i’ve wanted to tell, however lately i’ve done nothing but apparently disappoint her, which hurts me deeply. I’ve never had a great relationship with her anyways, but still, she’s my mother, and to know i’m her greatest failure is just more reasons as to why I am the way I am. Why I think of myself so lowly and harshly. Why I feel people like me don’t deserve happiness or pretty things. Why I feel it’s only a matter of time before Master leaves. It’s horrible to think that way, but I don’t know how else to think sometimes. It’s as if my own past has brainwashed me over and over, no matter how hard I try to overcome things. I’m getting better though, and I know it’s going to take time to break a lifetime habit. One day at a time……