Love & other impossible pursuits….

I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written in ages. For many reasons, but mostly because i’ve been grieving.

I lost my child. Our baby died.

There I said it.

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My pregnancy had been bumpy since day 1, but knowing how Master and I are, we knew our little mini would be just as big of a pain in the ass as we were. I’ll never forget it. It was a Saturday, Master had gotten home from work not but an hour earlier, when I woke up with a strong pain in my stomach. It wasn’t a cramp like before, this was different. I knew pregnant women had dealt with gas and other digestion issues (TMI, I know…) so I just summed it up to that. He went to get me tylenol and other OTC meds, which I took and felt better after sleeping most of the afternoon. I woke up that evening just fine, no pain and no issues. Around 9-10pm I slowly began to feel those pains again, which began to increase in severity as the night went on. Master and I had a poly couple we know through the community pass through town and stay at our house for the night. I tried to be a good host, however, with the increasing pain I had issues just getting around. I couldn’t even sit. Around midnight, I told Master that I thought something could be seriously wrong. He urged me to go to the ER, however, I could barely move, unable to sit down, let alone drive myself anywhere. I wasn’t about to ask our houseguests who had been driving all day to take me, so Master did. I felt bad I didn’t want to bug or bother, in fact, I protested at one point; But I went anyway. The original plan was he was going to take me, then head back to work until things slowed down a bit. However, that didn’t happen. I was admitted, and moved quickly along the evals. The pain got worse, the seconds dragged on. I remember being curled up in the fetal position, hooked up to an IV drip of pain meds, and they just weren’t working. I felt cold, I felt scared. He held my hand, but my hands were cold. The night was a lot of tests, imaging, this medicine, that doctor, it was all a blur. I barely remember Master’s Sgt coming to be with him. I barely remember the doctor telling me I was dying, as I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding severely internally. I barely remember signing the form for emergency surgery. I closed my eyes, and woke up to nurses trying to get me to stay awake. My best friend, love and master pleading me to also stay awake, but I was just so tired. I closed my eyes with it being dark outside, and woke up with the sunlight shining in my room. There was friends and family there all with a look of concern. I was groggy, and disoriented, but I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew, my baby was gone. I never said it out loud, no one did, but I knew. The following week was a blur of visitations. Balloons and flowers. Condolences. Restless days and nights for Master and I, my mother as well who drove to my side. Awkward silences. Wrong medications. Physical pains and other wounds unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Complication after complication after surgery, I spent a week bedridden. Finally getting home, and i lived on the couch for days, unable to even lay flat on my own bed. Little victories since, I have been able to partly move around and it’s a slow progress, physically anyway.

However, the emotional and mental wounds…. I can’t even begin to explain this…. Pain. This wound.

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I am sad. If I don’t think about it, i’m okay, but the second, the very second i do, I can’t stop crying. I don’t need a trigger, I don’t need to be around babies or baby things. Granted, being around them hurts, so deep, like a knife being twisted over and over and over until I can remove myself from that. I feel awful and selfish for being sad. So many have said how they got over it, and I will etc… But, I don’t want to hear it right now. My mother is glad I lived. Apparently I was that close to dying. Master is glad that I lived. I am too, but why didn’t my baby? Why? I’ve since blamed myself, I shouldn’t, but I do. My mistakes have happened, and I’ve been punished. That’s what I deserve. I ruined a marriage. I ruined a life i’m sure. I did something to deserve this.

Then I look at Master. He’s hurting so badly. And it’s my fault. Before me he lived a stress free life, and now look at what he must deal with. I failed at so much, I couldn’t be the woman he needs. I couldn’t be healthy enough to carry our baby. My tubes kept our angel instead of letting it pass through. Our angel was growing beautiful and strong, but I wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t give him what he deserves, I couldn’t do what he needs and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left. Honestly. Not in the least bit. He says he won’t but I expect it. And even that alone, is awful, why am I thinking so horribly of him? Or is it by myself?

I have a few more weeks at home before I have to return to work, regardless, I have zero desire or motivation. There are days like today where I want to stay in the dark, cold silence of my bedroom and either sleep or cry. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want visitors. I barely bother with Facebook or anything. I find myself clinging to Master, he’s my rock right now and at the same time I don’t want to burden him. I already struggle with looking him in the eyes, how could I have failed him so?

The doctors saved my other tube and ovary, so there’s still a chance to try again, but what if I fail again? I felt hollow before, but now…. Now I really do feel so empty inside. I feel robbed. We had hopes. We had dreams. We had a future planned. Now what? We try again. I want to try again, but he doesn’t seem so at times. And so I don’t blame him, I wait for him to leave. To find another who can give him what I couldn’t. It’s what I deserve. I’m not a physical attraction anymore to him. I am not a desire. I am a listless thing who drifts from couch to bed, with moments of clarity between the tears. I am in love with him, but fear and wait for him to leave. I am depressed and sad and I don’t understand why all of this happened. I know his malicious ex is leaping for joy and the instinct to protect my young is still there. I want to rip her life from her throat. But I am the only one who feels that way. So I keep it inside, if only I could do the same with my sadness. So many others handle it better, and are just so much better than I. I failed again, it seems. There are mothers who lost their babies to SIDS or stillborn, and i’m grieving over an ectopic. I’m an asshole for that. My hair is listless, my face is a mess, my body is disgusting, and I’m unable to even find it in myself to be grateful. The hell is wrong with me. I know they say it’s going to take time, but how much time? I don’t want to be sad forever, but right now I can’t see past tomorrow through my tear stained eyes and nose.

There’s a movie I’ve been watching over and over when i’m alone. Cliche’ but fitting. “The Other Woman” (2009) based on the book “love & other impossible pursuits” by Ayelet Waldman.

Read it/ Watch it.

That’s me in a box right now.

I just want to feel like I did before everything, weeks ago. I loved my baby, even if I never got to hold him/her in my arms. I want to feel loved and loving in return. I want to heal. Why can’t I stop crying? Why now?

And what about Master? He’s in so much pain I can see it in his eyes, yet what about him? He needs to grieve, he needs help too, but he can do better at it than I can…. Yet i feel I still need to be the shoulder he needs. I love him, and want to spend forever with him, but i go back to the mental belief that this is what I deserve, and he deserves better. I don’t want to push him away, I only want to bring him closer to me.

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I know it’ll get easier, things will get better, we will try and try again.

Until then, i’m grieving. I’m crying.

I miss my baby. I’m sorry my baby. I’m so very, very sorry.

Fix it.

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My dynamic is severely broken, as in it almost no longer exits. My relationship with Master is still there, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together and very much in love, but our kink is missing.

In a BSDM D/s dynamic it’s heartbreaking. It’s a very big part of us as individuals, and I don’t know about Master, but without the kink I feel as if a big piece of me is missing. Stress is increasing ten fold in our everyday lives as new responsibilities Master has inherited and with me being out of work with this knee injury; we’re just overwhelmed. It’s understandable that the kink took a backseat, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I desire my protocols, my structure, my Sir. I miss feeling the joy of my collar as I did when he first placed it around my neck. Hell, I even miss the punishments. I miss our scenes, I miss that feeling of a primal challenge as well as the pain slut at the mercy of his flogger and cat.

I feel useless, and unworthy. Lost. Alone. Confused about my place. It’s an odd feeling, but I know this is something that happens to everyone at some point. In this conservative town, I’m cut off from that feeling of belonging to a community and group. I’ve began to pretty much “out” myself on social media, but that’s because I don’t care anymore. I love the fact that i’m submissive. I love the fact that I’ve found the strength to allow another to own me and the strength to submit. I love the feeling of leather and the leather lifestyle. I love the pride I have in being owned. I love the feeling of the marks my Master leaves me, it’s the most delicious soreness one could ever have.  Not everyone has to understand or like it, it’s not their life to live! It’s mine! I have no shame at all. Because of FSOG I understand why many want to remain anonymous in the BDSM world, but I do not. I will not let a bad apple ruin this. I will be proactive about it should anyone ask questions.

I need to find things to do in my life more related to the BDSM community, perhaps it’ll help me feel as if i’m contributing more to things that matter to me.

Question for my followers…..

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As submissives, we’re greedy. Let’s not kid ourselves, we’re greedy about what’s ours. As for a poly relationship, I cannot speak for them as i’m not Poly, either way I know from my standpoint we’re gonna protect what’s ours and that’s that. However, I know that often times we ought to appreciate our Domly Dom fellas (And Lady Dommes too!) Many things can help them see how much we appreciate all the things they do for us! Baths, body massages, cooking dinner, gifts, love notes, screaming orgasms…. etc. I love spoiling my Master. Whether in gifts, blow jobs, hot baths, whatever will make him feel like the King, I will do it. It brings me such joy to do so!

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So here’s the question to those who actually read & follow my blog: What do you do or have done for your Sir/Mistresses to show your appreciation and affection for them???

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.

Fourth,

ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….

Fifth,

Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n

Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

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So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

Faith and Religion…..

It’s been some time since I’ve jotted my mind down. Not too much has occurred or changed. Same daily stress, but nothing that I cannot tolerate. I’ve grown a little more each day, as has Master. We’ve slowly fallen out of the routine, but at least we acknowledge it. We know that we do better with consistency and routine, however, some things have stepped in the way again. The difference this time is that we are aware and have decided to defeat any evil that wants to arise together. Realizing this, has made the ups and downs almost unnoticeable, which I must admit, is a nice change. Reminders that we are in fact a team, a pack. He is my Sir, and I am His.

Recent changes: Master and I both were recently inked together. Don’t misunderstand me now, I don’t mean we had matching tattoos or anything. I’m too superstitious for that. But we did endure a few hours work sitting side by side and it was incredibly erotic. For being a lover of impact play and primal aggression, enduring the pain for hours of intense pain placed me in a world closer to that of a sub-space. Indescribable chills upon my skin and between my thighs. Watching my Master watch me placed me in a world of sensations I almost had forgotten. Of course now with the new ink it will be a short while before we are able to play in ways that we enjoy most. These new symbols that will be with us forever each fit us into who we are and who we have become.

The one thing that I have had……….I don’t want to say “difficulty with”…. But have had uncertainty, I guess you could say, is my beliefs. My faith. I was raised in a home of catholic faith. I made it as far as confession, but never was actually confirmed. So in tradition, I am pretty much damned to hell. Or purgatory? (Which by the way, is an awesome resort.) However, due to recent inner revealings and discoveries I have found that while I will always love God and the things I was taught and have relied on, I feel like perhaps there is more to where my beliefs belong.

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Valhalla.
I believe in Odin. Norse Gods and great warriors. Those who lived for today and the wars of tomorrow. To die honorably and in battle. To me there’s nothing greater than such an honor. Perhaps it’s my type A personality. Perhaps it’s my Thin Blue Line heart. Whatever it may be….. The halls of Valhalla sound so amazing…. And so does the idea of spending eternity drinking mead beer.

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Sekhmet.

If there was ever a Goddess whom I could whole heartedly become a devotee of, it’d be her. She’s everything I want to be and everything I want to embrace. She is beauty. She is rage. She is love and hate. She is war. She is peace. She is life and death. Not to mention, the only reason she didn’t destroy man kind was because she got drunk mistaking blood for pomegranate colored beer.

Regardless, In this lifestyle, I’m still learning who I am, who I will be and who I can be. I am sometimes unsure of where my place is, especially regarding religion and faith. For many, especially myself, it’s often the cornerstone. Not living the “normal” relationship raised a few eyebrows, but to say that I believe in something other than what i’ve been taught….. Not sure how many would handle that. Some may say I’m a devil worshipper or that I don’t believe in God. Not true, it’s just I don’t see him as the center of my beliefs. Is that wrong? Does that make me a hellion?: Am I damned? I’m not sure. I’ve ordered a book on Sekhmet, a guide per se, on how I am to worship her as my Goddess. It feels right to me, and that is what I want most in my life; for things to make sense and feel right.

Dolly Parton said it best….

Find out who you are…. Then do it on purpose.

Lost in Lust.

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The rain has arrived. It’s lightning and thundering outside….

My entire being craves you. Everything about you. I desire your skin on mine, your lips roaming every inch of your claimed territory. My tongue licks my lips, that wants to be wrapped around your thickness, and drinking in every drop you give me. I am in need of you. I am needing you. All of you. Your body. Your heart. Your mind. I want to watch you watching me. I want to feel you pull me into you after we are done for the night as we drift off together in a lovers embrace every night.

226830_557340897632390_30634537_nI don’t know why it’s always this time of the month. Yes, that time of the month as well, but i’m a million times horny during the last two weeks of my cycle as well as the month. Everyday of the month I desire my Master. I desire his use and his needs. I need to be needed in many ways, but more importantly physical. So many times as submissives, we speak of being needed in ways other than physical, yet physical need and desires are right up there with oxygen and food. It’s a basic primal function. To me it falls under one of those Manslow categories, it’s a need and a want. When your partner doesn’t want you physically for whatever the reason; stress, life, no time, sickness, tiredness, etc. You no longer feel needed, and perhaps feel as if they’re getting their needs and wants elsewhere right? Then the doubts and demons creep their way back into your minds and all hell breaks loose. It’s a vicious circle that can really fuck with a person’s self confidence and the confidence they have in you and you in them. It can affect how a person sees themselves in the mirror, how they feel about their bodies, the way they feel in public. It can do so much good and so much damage all on how you desire each other….. Or lack there of.

Regardless, if you love your submissive (or Dom/Domme) make sure you show it. Not just in the hearts and flowers way, but in the lustful, thrusting, biting, kissing, sweaty, hot, ass slapping, throbbing, wet, hair pulling, nail scratching, screaming orgasm kind of way…..