Faith and Religion…..

It’s been some time since I’ve jotted my mind down. Not too much has occurred or changed. Same daily stress, but nothing that I cannot tolerate. I’ve grown a little more each day, as has Master. We’ve slowly fallen out of the routine, but at least we acknowledge it. We know that we do better with consistency and routine, however, some things have stepped in the way again. The difference this time is that we are aware and have decided to defeat any evil that wants to arise together. Realizing this, has made the ups and downs almost unnoticeable, which I must admit, is a nice change. Reminders that we are in fact a team, a pack. He is my Sir, and I am His.

Recent changes: Master and I both were recently inked together. Don’t misunderstand me now, I don’t mean we had matching tattoos or anything. I’m too superstitious for that. But we did endure a few hours work sitting side by side and it was incredibly erotic. For being a lover of impact play and primal aggression, enduring the pain for hours of intense pain placed me in a world closer to that of a sub-space. Indescribable chills upon my skin and between my thighs. Watching my Master watch me placed me in a world of sensations I almost had forgotten. Of course now with the new ink it will be a short while before we are able to play in ways that we enjoy most. These new symbols that will be with us forever each fit us into who we are and who we have become.

The one thing that I have had……….I don’t want to say “difficulty with”…. But have had uncertainty, I guess you could say, is my beliefs. My faith. I was raised in a home of catholic faith. I made it as far as confession, but never was actually confirmed. So in tradition, I am pretty much damned to hell. Or purgatory? (Which by the way, is an awesome resort.) However, due to recent inner revealings and discoveries I have found that while I will always love God and the things I was taught and have relied on, I feel like perhaps there is more to where my beliefs belong.

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Valhalla.
I believe in Odin. Norse Gods and great warriors. Those who lived for today and the wars of tomorrow. To die honorably and in battle. To me there’s nothing greater than such an honor. Perhaps it’s my type A personality. Perhaps it’s my Thin Blue Line heart. Whatever it may be….. The halls of Valhalla sound so amazing…. And so does the idea of spending eternity drinking mead beer.

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Sekhmet.

If there was ever a Goddess whom I could whole heartedly become a devotee of, it’d be her. She’s everything I want to be and everything I want to embrace. She is beauty. She is rage. She is love and hate. She is war. She is peace. She is life and death. Not to mention, the only reason she didn’t destroy man kind was because she got drunk mistaking blood for pomegranate colored beer.

Regardless, In this lifestyle, I’m still learning who I am, who I will be and who I can be. I am sometimes unsure of where my place is, especially regarding religion and faith. For many, especially myself, it’s often the cornerstone. Not living the “normal” relationship raised a few eyebrows, but to say that I believe in something other than what i’ve been taught….. Not sure how many would handle that. Some may say I’m a devil worshipper or that I don’t believe in God. Not true, it’s just I don’t see him as the center of my beliefs. Is that wrong? Does that make me a hellion?: Am I damned? I’m not sure. I’ve ordered a book on Sekhmet, a guide per se, on how I am to worship her as my Goddess. It feels right to me, and that is what I want most in my life; for things to make sense and feel right.

Dolly Parton said it best….

Find out who you are…. Then do it on purpose.

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Tantalizing Tuesday….

The need to breed is dwelling deep in my soul. The level of stress, however, seems to trump Master from that. It’s horrible how I feel when he doesn’t need or lust after me as much as I do for him. In his vanilla life and pitiful marriage, let’s face it, the man never got laid. I was in the same boat with my ex husband. I don’t know if it’s me, but my drive has always been high. I can’t ever have enough. I remember when Master couldn’t keep his hands off of me, even in public! But with the recent events that have fogged his mind with stress and outside distraction, I fail at keeping him satisfied.

Regardless, I am doing my best to not let the demons win at filling my head with nonsense, and remind myself that even if my thighs touch, and my tummy isn’t washboard status yet, I’m delicious and curvaceous and i’m going to seduce myself if I have to damn it. Life’s too short to not be horny all the time haha! Lust and love the life you live! So here’s a little Tuesday motivation to make you want to feel good and move even better 😉

Law abiding kink & an update

So of course the following is purely based on opinion. Has nothing to do with what I feel anyone should live or me playing a “know-it-all”.

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Kink & BDSM is a lifestyle. A sexual orientation. It should be built on mutual consent and understanding. That is a given, but it’s not always so. As both Master and I are a part of those who helps enforce laws, I just CRINGE with distain and agony when I see a kinkster breaking law both common sense or not. When we’ve tried to express our concerns regarding the legal side, we are often met with a backlash, as if we dared to tell someone else how to live. That’s not the case at all. Whether kink’s your thing or not, the mainstreaming of BDSM is bound (ha!) to change the legal landscape. Much of the potential liability centers around consent — the authenticity of it, the legal validity of it, and the ways to prove it.  So, put down the ball gag, lovebirds and think about some things first. Because of our careers, Master and I had unknowingly we’re dispatched to BDSM events or activities in the past and the issues that can spawn out of control because of miscommunications can be overwhelming to some. Even a simple doctor’s visit can have a person in the hot seat. However, what I cannot stand is those who break laws and make BDSM part of the excuse. For example: We all know and hopefully practice SSC in the fetish world. If a person does not willingly consent, then folks that is pretty much against any common sense laws. You’re forcing someone against their own will and god given rights of being able to decide on their own. If you’re married and marry another, again also against the law. There’s polyamory then there is polygamy and last I heard they put people in jail for that. There’s age restrictions (I freaking hope people are smart enough to wait until legal age of 18). There’s articles of people who’s naked images are being posted online without consent as revenge, again voyeurism folks can be against the law in certain states! Also, don’t discriminate a person who is open about their sexuality, relationship practices or BDSM in general; it could be considered a hate crime.

So while i’m not saying every state is the same, or all the laws are the same, make sure you’re not breaking one and then say people are hating you for your practices or beliefs. Because then you’re sounding a bit ignorant there. Be smart. Be safe. That’s all!

In other news, Master and I are hanging in there. We’ve been ridiculously busy lately. A little more than I would like… at least on his behalf. We wrote down our everyday activities, broke them down to the hour and holy busy people batman!!! We are so much busier than I ever thought or imagined! I never realized it until I saw it on a piece of paper. Regardless, i’m hoping with a little push and dedication we can find that stability and consistency again. I am focusing again back on some important goals and dreams again, although some days are harder than others not to completely give up on them. The primal me is still evolving and developing, and really becoming a stronger one. I’ve asked Master to really try for his side as far as our dynamic goes, but I am slowly not pushing it. We haven’t had a scene in a long time and for some reason he doesn’t seem to give a rats ass. Because of the way he seems to not care, well…. I find myself not caring either. It’s saddening, but perhaps it is what it is and i’m just leaving it at that. Perhaps it’ll be a twice a year thing for him – events only. I, unfortunately, cannot function that way. I find myself seeing all the fun and excitement everyone is having on fetlife and i’m just window watching from the outside. I’ve become an outcast and it hurts, but i’ll adapt and overcome. I choose to be by the side of my Mate and if that means sacrificing then so be it. It’s what I’ve always done and know very well. Time will tell just as it always has. Until then i’m still a proud BDSM, kink loving lioness who will just window shop at the fetlife store….

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Expectations.

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After a brief hiatus, things are set back into place. Now I need to incorporate a routine that works with the changes that occurred. One being Master’s work commitments have increased, which i’m proud of him for. It’s time for me to start proving my worth once again, not only to myself but to our dynamic. I’ve been relying on him way way too much. Don’t get me wrong, I need my Master and he needs to be needed and wanted, but there are things only I can be responsible for, and one of those is my physical fitness and personal goals. Recently I was involved in a short and brief but still exhausting fight on duty. A little miss wanted to play games and challenge me, I had to show her who was Alpha and so I did. Her threat was to say she was going to overcome me and it wasn’t going to happen on my watch. Despite it being nothing dramatic or writing home about, it took me a few days to recover physically as my muscles realized they needed to be worked harder and more often. I’ve been asking Master for help and he’s already up to his neck in his own schedules and life so I need to start doing my part and get on it.

I also noticed that dealing with issues of the past really didn’t occur like I imagined. Seeing an old enemy face to face and no longer wishing to unleash months and months of pent up aggression on them, but instead of feeling sorry and pathetic for them, knowing the apple never falls far from the tree. In a way, it made me realize once again that I am an Alpha woman who can take care of her Alpha mate and more importantly able to physically defeat those who threaten our way of life. To do so, I need to continue moving up the food chain in my world and I must be ready for the challenges i’m going to face on that journey. Master and I had been dealing with so many obstacles for so long that once they ended our souls were just plain exhausted. Two months have since gone by since the last big hurdle was overcome, and I do feel it’s time to get back to work and focus.

I’ve always lacked self-discipline, just because it’s always been me and only me. So if things didn’t get done right away, it didn’t matter because I was the only person who was going to do them. Now it’s no longer just me and I need to get back to work on a schedule until things become second nature again. Today I’m going to write down a timed schedule that will include everything I need to do on a daily basis. I know it seems ridiculous, but for a service based submissive, tasks that I can accomplish on a daily basis, regardless if it’s a large or a small task, is a reward in itself that i’ve pleased my Master and kept my word to get it done. I’m going to incorporate my fitness routine as well because to maintain my physical fitness healthily and not some get a skinny gimmick like Plexus, Xying, Vita, etc… But to actually have the discipline to work hard at it, is a reward that I know I will be grateful for over and over.

The summer months have arrived and I couldn’t be more grateful. I live for the feeling of the sun on my skin and turn the dark color that allows my skin to glow. Perhaps as the temperatures increase Master will give me a “no clothes at home” protocol 😉

Either way, I need to start expecting more out of myself. I used to believe that if I had no expectations I would have no disappointments, but in reality that belief IS a disappointment. I need to expect more out of myself, I need to expect more out of my own actions. I need to expect myself to be nothing less than the lioness I have become.

How To Love A Broken Person….

I just discovered this on Fetlife and the Author said it PERFECTLY. So perfectly in fact, I currently have tears silently falling down my face…..  For My Master:

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“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. No matter how much love you give me, you cannot fix that hurt. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. It is easier to drift into the darkness than it is to fight for every second in the light.

I`m sick. I think I always will be. Sometimes knowing you are in my life and feeling that I made you stay in my life is the most painful thing of all. You could have found someone beautiful, thin, less bratty, and better than me. And all you got was me and all my jagged little pieces. You got a bag full of glass shards instead of a beautiful crystal vase. You hate the people who made me feel this way. You hate the things that were done to me. You made a shit list for those who hurt me. Many others have been angry at those people too. It doesn`t change the things that have happened to me. It just makes me feel guilty for making you mad. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and that is a wonderful gift. I know I frustrate you. I frustrate me too. I sit inside my body and beat against it like a cage and scream at myself to snap out of it! I try to lower my walls to let you in and accept that you care for me. I try to lower my walls and let you in. But I don`t know how. So I obsess over my weight, I obsess over my animals, my hobbies, and everything else that I can obsess over so that I don`t have to face how broken I am on the inside.

So how can I be loved then?

Sometimes the most comforting thing you say is that you don`t know. Because too many have held out false hope that everything would get better and it doesn`t, it gets worse, and I end up floundering. Sometimes the best thing to say is that you will be there for me when I get to the other side. Sometimes the best thing to do is to put faith in me that I can deal with my demons. Maybe it makes those moments when I am me all the better for you. Maybe it makes my smiles mean more when they are so rare. Maybe it makes you admire me more when you see the struggles I face. But no matter how much you tell me I am worth it to you, no matter how much you say you care, I won`t believe it for a long while. The way you can love the broken person I am is by being patient, and being steady and strong, and knowing that I am giving everything I have to you, even though right now that gift is not a whole lot…” – Just_Pixie

[No Title…… Because My brain is scattered]

Recently I came to realize that sometimes you are not enough for someone………

Maybe you don’t know why you are not enough.
Maybe you are not pretty enough
Or
Smart enough.
Maybe you are not funny enough, Or maybe you are enough. Perhaps it’s just that the sum of your parts are not enough.

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Regardless, the fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden……

It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy.
It makes you human.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.
During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around
And that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.
Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things
That makes the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are,
And they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect,
And, still be deserving of compassion and kindness and love.

Basically, kick self doubt in the balls really hard. It’s hard to move forward, but I won’t be leaving my Master behind. So I’ll wait until he is ready… until the next time he needs a break and then i’ll wait once again.

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Sigh.

Communication, the most important part of D/s yet the easiest to forget to do. I chose to speak up. You chose to listen and understand.
I chose to cry. You chose to hold me and wipe away my tears.
You chose to explain instead of excuses. I chose to accept.
You chose to apologize. I chose to forgive.
I chose to trust. You chose to care.
I chose to stay. We chose to try.
We chose each other.
I hope we always choose each other………….

Security…..knowing that she is His

There’s that song everyone loves…

I know I do…

Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking out loud”


It’s a beautiful song, gives me warm fuzzies thinking of it. It’s a great lesson and one I think every couple should adhere to. Women… You see we are fickle creatures. We love knowing that the person who shares our lives with us, is preaching it loud and proud. We want someone to be happy that they’re with us, and not be afraid to say it. Little things here and there that say out loud to friends, family, Facebook world and co-workers, that their partner is just down right awesome and here’s why.

I do it for my Master all the time on both of our Facebook pages and just to everyone.

But that is me.

I am slowly learning however that not everything will be reciprocated and well you can’t expect others to always do for you as you would do for them. If so, you’re in for a big heartbreak the rest of your life.

The rain is falling and I’m just very tired lately. I want to sleep but cannot actually do so. I close my eyes, but I do not rest. I am feeling a bit out of place. I miss, but do not feel missed. Not everyday is bad, but it isn’t good either, it’s just another day. A blur, if you may of day to day survival. No routines aren’t helping, but the feeling of a mundane-ness of it is there.

I am just tired and perhaps tomorrow will be different. I push on and carry on because that is what good girls do.

But depression is a mother fucker. So here I am……