After a brief hiatus, things are set back into place. Now I need to incorporate a routine that works with the changes that occurred. One being Master’s work commitments have increased, which i’m proud of him for. It’s time for me to start proving my worth once again, not only to myself but to our dynamic. I’ve been relying on him way way too much. Don’t get me wrong, I need my Master and he needs to be needed and wanted, but there are things only I can be responsible for, and one of those is my physical fitness and personal goals. Recently I was involved in a short and brief but still exhausting fight on duty. A little miss wanted to play games and challenge me, I had to show her who was Alpha and so I did. Her threat was to say she was going to overcome me and it wasn’t going to happen on my watch. Despite it being nothing dramatic or writing home about, it took me a few days to recover physically as my muscles realized they needed to be worked harder and more often. I’ve been asking Master for help and he’s already up to his neck in his own schedules and life so I need to start doing my part and get on it.

I also noticed that dealing with issues of the past really didn’t occur like I imagined. Seeing an old enemy face to face and no longer wishing to unleash months and months of pent up aggression on them, but instead of feeling sorry and pathetic for them, knowing the apple never falls far from the tree. In a way, it made me realize once again that I am an Alpha woman who can take care of her Alpha mate and more importantly able to physically defeat those who threaten our way of life. To do so, I need to continue moving up the food chain in my world and I must be ready for the challenges i’m going to face on that journey. Master and I had been dealing with so many obstacles for so long that once they ended our souls were just plain exhausted. Two months have since gone by since the last big hurdle was overcome, and I do feel it’s time to get back to work and focus.

I’ve always lacked self-discipline, just because it’s always been me and only me. So if things didn’t get done right away, it didn’t matter because I was the only person who was going to do them. Now it’s no longer just me and I need to get back to work on a schedule until things become second nature again. Today I’m going to write down a timed schedule that will include everything I need to do on a daily basis. I know it seems ridiculous, but for a service based submissive, tasks that I can accomplish on a daily basis, regardless if it’s a large or a small task, is a reward in itself that i’ve pleased my Master and kept my word to get it done. I’m going to incorporate my fitness routine as well because to maintain my physical fitness healthily and not some get a skinny gimmick like Plexus, Xying, Vita, etc… But to actually have the discipline to work hard at it, is a reward that I know I will be grateful for over and over.

The summer months have arrived and I couldn’t be more grateful. I live for the feeling of the sun on my skin and turn the dark color that allows my skin to glow. Perhaps as the temperatures increase Master will give me a “no clothes at home” protocol ūüėČ

Either way, I need to start expecting more out of myself. I used to believe that if I had no expectations I would have no disappointments, but in reality that belief IS a disappointment. I need to expect more out of myself, I need to expect more out of my own actions. I need to expect myself to be nothing less than the lioness I have become.


Enter the Second Trimester of Kink………….

“Wow! You really have embraced your spots!”


That’s a phrase that has summed up my wonderful weekend with my community at Spring Pan. My journey continues to be a roller coaster moments, including the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. However, I have taken a moment to finally jot down the things I have felt or observed while at Pan….

Master and I were ‘newbies’ at leather fiesta last year, and it was very apparent as the flux of ‘new blood’ was also apparent this year. I could tell because of the expressions on their faces in the dungeon. Not all who enter could really grasp what it is that they’re getting themselves into. I know because some who came on Friday night didn’t return the following evening… And that’s okay. I think many need to experience first hand to really see if this is something they want or don’t want to get into.

And that is when it really hit me, how far I’ve come in my journey. Master and I do admit at the last major event we did have a bit of a frenzy and wanted to do all the things, this time we took our time and did what was within our abilities and mindset. Unfortunately, I was battling a strong case of what I thought was allergies (spawned into bronchitis..) but I pushed forward as best as I could. We didn’t attend as many classes as last time, and the ones we did attend were full! Being claustrophobic, Master understood when I asked to duck out half way through….. ¬†We mingled more. Spent more time with our friends whom we dearly missed! Master splurged on such AMAZING goodies to include a dragon’s tail, a set of galley whips, a new flogger among other things. But this trip wasn’t just for our pleasure, no no no….

We had the blessings of paying it forward in many ways; One couple we’ve adored over time is dear to our hearts. Two kitties who’ve flocked to each other and we watch our owners, trade punishment ideas lol we were able to hang out with them and purchase them beautiful leather cuffs as a gift from us. Also Another beautiful soul in our community is becoming ill from an unknown disease and it literally broke my heart to see her in such agony. I literally cried, but her determination to not let anything hinder her, even when she played with her boi,¬†just filled my heart with just joy. That eagerness to fulfill each other’s needs is part of why I am so dearly in love with this lifestyle. Master and I gave her a monetary donation towards funding her answers. These things we did was not because we wanted to flaunt ourselves, but because we are fortunate to be in a position to do so and I am a firm believer in paying it forward…. Why not send forth good fortune in this world?!

Now back to the dungeon, while thisyear it was more spacious, the crowd itself was much more in numbers. The mood was better Saturday night versus Friday, however again, I felt much more than before. I was used to being the few who used to be lead on leashes awhile back, now this time I saw it everywhere. I am on a leash in a large event not for a fashion or “how all subs should be” but because I have an anxiety disorder and large crowds make me lock up or tense. I don’t have my service dog with me at kink events (he would lose his shit if his momma was getting whipped) so Master has me on a leash as a sense of security and safety and to calm my demons should any females want to play Alpha tug of war with me. That’s another thing. I saw a wave of sub/dom frenzy. HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN did I ever! It was VERY apparent the FSOG frenzy was alive and well at this event as many of the Doms/Subs/whatever they were flocked and dived in feet first at the deep end of the kink pool. However, they must’ve not been told about common courtesy or common sense. Master told me this later on (thank heavens) but I guess while I was having a kitten moment with another kitten at the human size-pet area (three words: GIANT scratching post) I guess some sub felt it was okay to flirt with my Master….


No. Nope. Negative Ghostrider…. That does not fly. In our world we show each other respect and those who are in dynamics/relationships even more respect! Being that of a primal I would’ve shown my Alpha side and taken her as a challenge and what do alpha’s do when challenged??? Yes. Could’ve gotten ugly or at least some of my fangs would’ve appeared. Regardless, I saw that many times over. Granted, it’s a common mistake any newbie makes, but this weekend I was on the other side of it and wow now I see why it’s so important to show common courtesy. Another thing I saw a lot of was disobedient subs. Holy hell. I have my tendencies, but some were¬†just flat out disobedient! I could not believe how they could just behave in such a way, it was horrendous and made me just gawk in exasperation¬†while I watched silently as I knelt next to my Master as I am supposed to do.

It was a fun event regardless, and I feel my Master and I are really coming into our own now. I am ready for us to take on that next step. We’ve both agreed that lately we aren’t happy with where are dynamic was plateaued at however we weren’t sure what our next step should be…. I think being surrounded by such amazing kinksters of our community help remind us and give us a shove in the direction we’d like to be. I know personally i’d like to get back on tasks and schedules once my stupid bronchitis clears. Dealing with her is no longer an issue, despite the demons the wench has left me with. It’s a slow process that which i’m overcoming little by little. I am looking forward to getting back to journaling regularly, working out regularly, having scenes¬†as often as possible and just little subtle signs of dominance from my Master that keeps me in my place and in line.

A new phase and a new beginning is how I’m looking towards the start of this Summer…..


Ignoring is not always the smartest Idea…..

So a topic/writing/whatever caught my eye recently on Fetlife and outside of work, it really weighed heavily as it was a hell of a debate to observe. Granted, this is written from my point of view, but, it’s something i’ve seen more and more often. It’s a long writing, but the title alone is as follows….

“Ignoring is a legitimate and often a useful tool of behavior modification that I advocate.”



Here’s the thing; Said author believes that this works, especially for those bratty subs who don’t take punishments seriously, or perhaps a dom who isn’t Dom-ly enough to really put their foot down. While I understand the underlying message that’s trying to be channeled across is the idea of,”I’m very hurt with you by your behavior or your actions.” I don’t believe that willful or deliberate ignoring one or another is exactly a smart move.


Take for example capital punishment. While many crimes deserve it, it was¬†Ghandi¬†who once said,”An eye for an eye will make the world blind” the same basis goes for that of the punishment and ignoring idea. If my Master was to ignore me, eventually i’m going to be so hurt and angry i’m going to ignore right back…. And the vicious circle will commence until one of us breaks. And not only will ignoring your sub hurt them emotionally, the mental anguish can reach an insane amount of uncertainty. It can¬†rattle¬†their core being, question your loyalty, your integrity and above all, question their faith in you and your dynamic. Unless you are openly poly, how is ignoring your sub going to solidify that you are always going to keep your promise of never intentionally causing them harm? To make any submissive question if their Dom still wants them is to intentionally inflict harm into their heart and souls.

Many say that ignoring is a form of sub-abandonment and that’s just downright abuse. You don’t ever abandon those who count on you. You may hear other terms like neglect as well and it just keeps going from there. Again, it’s all a part of the responsibilities in a basic D/s lifestyle.

Now, if you DID want to instill some type of stern behavior modification, without the ignoring part, then I always suggest doing your research. Master and I have discussed some possible punishments should I ever need them. Time-outs are one as I absolutely HATE silence, and to be away from my master. It’s not ignoring but to me it’s the closest to it without the whole, yknow,¬†abandonment part. I’ve seen alternate versions like corner time, some use things from old guard days. A dominant friend of mine requires his submissives to write essays on what they did wrong. I’ve seen some require humiliation punishments and other varying forms of punishments based on the severity of the offense. The worst i’ve ever seen is the removal of one’s collar, and the submissive had to earn it back.

But again, no use or need of the ignoring method.

Perhaps because of how sensitive many women are, considering how hard it is for anyone to let down their guarded walls. It’s a terrifying thing and then to be ignored is just salt to the wounds. Just like any relationship, if the Sub feels her Dom cannot make her smile, that he isn’t helping her grow in a positive way, if she’s just not smiling anymore, if she doesn’t feel the need to kneel and serve his every need or just fulfill her role happily…. well then adios dude.


So, with all that being said, I know that I’d love to hear from other Submissives and Dominants on their thoughts regarding this topic! Comment and share!


A new month begins. The month I’ve been looking forward to for such a long time. So many events are due to occur and it’s going to be fabulous. One of which may be¬†sooner than later, but only time will tell. As usual the tiny moments of laziness and any inclination to relax is overshadowed by a large wave of stress. Busy day-to-day lives which i’m sure will test us on every level.

That’s something I have to remind myself often. Master does the best he can. He is going to make mistakes; that’s a given. However, he does the best that he can. He may not always get it right, he may not always get it wrong either. He has other things on his mind, other worries, other stresses. I, above all, understand how those things can play into effect when it comes to trying to balance everyday life on top of the “what-if” thoughts that often come into play at the most unwanted times. Murphy LOVES to play those kind of fuckery¬†games. I have to remember that Master does the best he can, even on the days that it seems he just doesn’t care or isn’t paying attention. One thing that I have noticed lately, is myself turning inward. I am apologizing for nothing and often feel as if i’m constantly making mistakes. Perhaps it’s stemming from the feeling of uncertainty or my PMDD or something. Perhaps its the ever-increasing stress from work and dealing with the arrival of Masters family. They are due to stay with us for a short period of time, and one of them is still friends with Her and god¬†I can’t even come up with enough words of how uneasy I am over it all. The impending ridicule, dissection of my home, my life, my lifestyle, how my house looks, what I own, what I do, etc…. I feel as if i’m awaiting a flood of insults, laughter, mockery and humiliation. The stress is growing every day and while I don’t want to go down that road I feel it’s just a storm that’s awaiting. The moment the idea was mentioned, every single red flag and buzzer went off in my head, but I am no one and my opinions were not heard, therefore, here we are and I am seriously considering taking every single medication to make sure my mood is in check and I am in a medicated coma until I head off to work where I will be able to function semi-normal. How do we go about our everyday life now with the invasion of the nillas in our home? I can’t wear my house collar, we can’t scene, I can’t call Master “Master” or do the everyday things that make me feel at home…..

Adding insult to injury, I’ve continued to run scenarios in my head regarding our lifestyle. Why is it that it’s easier to say that one is gay and so much harder to say that they live an everyday Dominant’/submissive dynamic? I imagine what my co-workers, even the openly poly ones, would say…..



It’s a scary thought because I don’t want to be seen as any less, and many see submissive as weak individuals, when in fact we are quite opposite. My mother, i’ve wanted to tell, however lately i’ve done nothing but apparently disappoint her, which hurts me deeply. I’ve never had a great relationship with her anyways, but still, she’s my mother, and to know i’m her greatest failure is just more reasons as to why I am the way I am. Why I think of myself so lowly and harshly. Why I feel people like me don’t deserve happiness or pretty things. Why I feel it’s only a matter of time before Master leaves. It’s horrible to think that way, but I don’t know how else to think sometimes. It’s as if my own past has brainwashed me over and over, no matter how hard I try to overcome things. I’m getting better though, and I know it’s going to take time to break a lifetime habit. One day at a time……

Another attempt at normalcy in the life of kink.

Life ran-eth away-eth from us again.

I really do have more and more new found respect for those who live a D/s lifestyle 24/7. Talk about hard work!!¬†Master and I have recently re-done¬†our protocols and renewed our dynamic agreement ūüôā I’m very happy about that! Perhaps a recollaring¬†will soon follow? It surprised me how many of our protocols were still being done naturally, despite not always feeling that way. The issue is consistency!! I am hoping Master and I will find a better routine now that we’ve taken care of this dilemma. For me consistency¬†is one of the things i’ve always desired in my life and D/s is one thing that helps fill that void. Not because i’m weak without it, but because i’ve never had it and would love to learn how to be self-disciplined in more than work areas, which is a strength my Master has and i’m trying to learn from. On the flip side, I’m teaching him how to relax and allow himself to let loose and enjoy the here and now.

Things in our lives have been pretty basic. We work, we clean, we eat, we laugh, we sleep, we bang each other as often as possible, we conversed and most of all we just enjoy each other’s company it’s really a rewarding feeling…. Granted again, not every day is amazing, but not every day is horrible. Granted, with all that was occurring, we found that the kink part of our life was missing, and because of that it felt like our lives were not “quite right.” I’ve mentioned it before, but Master is what I call stubborn as hell, and it felt as if it took a very big coloring book and crayons for me to get it through his thick skull. Big letters. Shiny objects. Hand puppets help. Either way he finally understood what it was that was bothering me and after some extensive conversations and ultimatums, I guess you could say the Master has returned? Somewhat….

Last night we had our first scene in what felt like ages. It was wonderful, despite my pain tolerance had diminished quite a bit. I was flogged, paddled, whipped and spanked, gagged, and restrained and it was amazing. Pinwheel was the sucker that did me in lol All such beautiful creations that have reminded me why I enjoy such play. Impact play is by far the best sensations for me. I focus on the scents of the candles around me. The sounds of the music deafen my¬†thoughts in my head. The feeling of each trinket as it lands on my skin in various sensations replace the stress and anxiety of everyday worries. And when my senses can’t take anymore and I feel myself just float away into la-la-subspace land, my amazing Master makes me his once again. There’s truly no feeling like it. It’s a blessing that gets me through rough days like today when I just want to be angry or let tears of frustration flow endlessly down my cheeks. It’s those moments of what feels right for me, allow me to overcome the ugliness of those whom seem to have a mission of tarnishing my name to anyone who’s willing to listen to them and destroy me all for some reason. When I can run my fingers along my skin and feel the marks, or see them, it helps to remind me of the moment I was set free and look forward until I am able to fly once again.


Festive as Fuck.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?¬†Oh boy. This is a long one… We’re not weird. There’s nothing wrong with us. We don’t have a mental illness. We aren’t fucked up. Our parents didn’t raise abusers, narcissists, whores, sluts etc…Yes we believe in love. Yes we have everyday lives/jobs and function just normally. No christian grey isn’t real. No 50 shades is nothing like the real thing nor does it resemble a single ounce of truth. No we’re not sex addicts. Yes this is normal and more known than you’d ever guess. I could go on and on this one…..

I just realized it’s the 17th. That means this month is half way through. I can’t tell you how excited I am lol. I have never been the festive one. I enjoy the hidden meaning behind Christmas and all that jazz but as far as acting like buddy the elf, not since I was a child. Holidays were never celebrated in my life. My parents always did their own thing and since I’ve been on my own since I was 16/17 I always had to work so I never really celebrated. This year of course will be no different, I’m working which doesn’t bother me at all since Master is also going to be at work. That is our norm and it feels just fine. The difference is that the festiveness is in my heart verses on display. No amount of lavish gifts could mean a person has the holiday spirit in them yet I find the desire to run around with a santa hat and listen to christmas music at night over hot chocolate. I want to drive around with master to look at the christmas lights and have a snowy christmas. Weird huh? I never really cared for any of that before and my ex-husband was fat and jolly like ol saint nick but I would stay away from him and his family like lepers. I think when you find that good place in your soul and your surroundings or perhaps that comfortable feeling in your life you tend to see things differently and enjoy the moments you never did before. Consider it a type of christmas gift to yourself and the ones around you who truly care for your heart and soul; a second chance at life. The ability to change yourself for the better. It’s NEVER too late to live the life you always wanted to live, I know because I see my Master and I, the experience we’ve had in this lifestyle and outside of it and see how much this dynamic has truly saved us. In our trust and bond were we able to find someone willing to go through hell and back and never give up on each other. We made a promise to each other when he collared me and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up on that promise. I made a promise with my soul and heart instead of just my words. So this year all I want for Christmas is my Dom <3. So maybe Master and I will play while listening to christmas music (We’ve already seen¬†someone getting flogged to Mickey Mouse Club theme song) or maybe there will be kinky presents to ring in the new year……Tis the season after all… Fa La La La La La La La La…..kendall-jenner-spanked-1