Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

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So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

Lost in Lust.

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The rain has arrived. It’s lightning and thundering outside….

My entire being craves you. Everything about you. I desire your skin on mine, your lips roaming every inch of your claimed territory. My tongue licks my lips, that wants to be wrapped around your thickness, and drinking in every drop you give me. I am in need of you. I am needing you. All of you. Your body. Your heart. Your mind. I want to watch you watching me. I want to feel you pull me into you after we are done for the night as we drift off together in a lovers embrace every night.

226830_557340897632390_30634537_nI don’t know why it’s always this time of the month. Yes, that time of the month as well, but i’m a million times horny during the last two weeks of my cycle as well as the month. Everyday of the month I desire my Master. I desire his use and his needs. I need to be needed in many ways, but more importantly physical. So many times as submissives, we speak of being needed in ways other than physical, yet physical need and desires are right up there with oxygen and food. It’s a basic primal function. To me it falls under one of those Manslow categories, it’s a need and a want. When your partner doesn’t want you physically for whatever the reason; stress, life, no time, sickness, tiredness, etc. You no longer feel needed, and perhaps feel as if they’re getting their needs and wants elsewhere right? Then the doubts and demons creep their way back into your minds and all hell breaks loose. It’s a vicious circle that can really fuck with a person’s self confidence and the confidence they have in you and you in them. It can affect how a person sees themselves in the mirror, how they feel about their bodies, the way they feel in public. It can do so much good and so much damage all on how you desire each other….. Or lack there of.

Regardless, if you love your submissive (or Dom/Domme) make sure you show it. Not just in the hearts and flowers way, but in the lustful, thrusting, biting, kissing, sweaty, hot, ass slapping, throbbing, wet, hair pulling, nail scratching, screaming orgasm kind of way…..

Tantalizing Tuesday….

The need to breed is dwelling deep in my soul. The level of stress, however, seems to trump Master from that. It’s horrible how I feel when he doesn’t need or lust after me as much as I do for him. In his vanilla life and pitiful marriage, let’s face it, the man never got laid. I was in the same boat with my ex husband. I don’t know if it’s me, but my drive has always been high. I can’t ever have enough. I remember when Master couldn’t keep his hands off of me, even in public! But with the recent events that have fogged his mind with stress and outside distraction, I fail at keeping him satisfied.

Regardless, I am doing my best to not let the demons win at filling my head with nonsense, and remind myself that even if my thighs touch, and my tummy isn’t washboard status yet, I’m delicious and curvaceous and i’m going to seduce myself if I have to damn it. Life’s too short to not be horny all the time haha! Lust and love the life you live! So here’s a little Tuesday motivation to make you want to feel good and move even better 😉

How To Love A Broken Person….

I just discovered this on Fetlife and the Author said it PERFECTLY. So perfectly in fact, I currently have tears silently falling down my face…..  For My Master:

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“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. No matter how much love you give me, you cannot fix that hurt. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. It is easier to drift into the darkness than it is to fight for every second in the light.

I`m sick. I think I always will be. Sometimes knowing you are in my life and feeling that I made you stay in my life is the most painful thing of all. You could have found someone beautiful, thin, less bratty, and better than me. And all you got was me and all my jagged little pieces. You got a bag full of glass shards instead of a beautiful crystal vase. You hate the people who made me feel this way. You hate the things that were done to me. You made a shit list for those who hurt me. Many others have been angry at those people too. It doesn`t change the things that have happened to me. It just makes me feel guilty for making you mad. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and that is a wonderful gift. I know I frustrate you. I frustrate me too. I sit inside my body and beat against it like a cage and scream at myself to snap out of it! I try to lower my walls to let you in and accept that you care for me. I try to lower my walls and let you in. But I don`t know how. So I obsess over my weight, I obsess over my animals, my hobbies, and everything else that I can obsess over so that I don`t have to face how broken I am on the inside.

So how can I be loved then?

Sometimes the most comforting thing you say is that you don`t know. Because too many have held out false hope that everything would get better and it doesn`t, it gets worse, and I end up floundering. Sometimes the best thing to say is that you will be there for me when I get to the other side. Sometimes the best thing to do is to put faith in me that I can deal with my demons. Maybe it makes those moments when I am me all the better for you. Maybe it makes my smiles mean more when they are so rare. Maybe it makes you admire me more when you see the struggles I face. But no matter how much you tell me I am worth it to you, no matter how much you say you care, I won`t believe it for a long while. The way you can love the broken person I am is by being patient, and being steady and strong, and knowing that I am giving everything I have to you, even though right now that gift is not a whole lot…” – Just_Pixie

[No Title…… Because My brain is scattered]

Recently I came to realize that sometimes you are not enough for someone………

Maybe you don’t know why you are not enough.
Maybe you are not pretty enough
Or
Smart enough.
Maybe you are not funny enough, Or maybe you are enough. Perhaps it’s just that the sum of your parts are not enough.

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Regardless, the fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden……

It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy.
It makes you human.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.
During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around
And that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.
Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things
That makes the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are,
And they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect,
And, still be deserving of compassion and kindness and love.

Basically, kick self doubt in the balls really hard. It’s hard to move forward, but I won’t be leaving my Master behind. So I’ll wait until he is ready… until the next time he needs a break and then i’ll wait once again.

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Sigh.

Communication, the most important part of D/s yet the easiest to forget to do. I chose to speak up. You chose to listen and understand.
I chose to cry. You chose to hold me and wipe away my tears.
You chose to explain instead of excuses. I chose to accept.
You chose to apologize. I chose to forgive.
I chose to trust. You chose to care.
I chose to stay. We chose to try.
We chose each other.
I hope we always choose each other………….

Cinco.

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Today in nerd land- is what we lovingly call “Revenge of the Sith”. Odd I know… considering most people only recognize today for being “Cinco De Mayo”. Both are fun holidays whether you celebrate them or not. If you didn’t know about either one, well………. you’re welcome.

Either way you plan to celebrate just make sure it’s done safely. My energy levels are still slugging along, I wish I had more energy as I did just two weeks ago, however I am just exhausted still from being sick. It was a fight to get my meds and now I find myself wanting to only sleep, however, responsibilities echo relentlessly day in and day out in my head. I need to get back to my routine, my daily in and outs and get back to being productive. Master has expressed concern, as if I over do it (as usual) that i’ll relapse and develop full on pneumonia that much easier. But I can’t help it. I am exhausted just writing this but my brain is screaming at me, saying how I need to get my fat butt off the couch and get to doing what needs to be done.

The struggle is real, and the issue is real as well. When does a submissive know when to stop? When she has reached her limits? They say,”You just know…” But I know I know, yknow? Get that? No? Me either.

Maybe i’ll take a nap. Maybe not. As long as I get things done, what more can I do? I want to be productive and meaningful to my owner. It’s the weird and needy desire, but it works for us. I need him and want him, I want to be needed and wanted in every possible way as well. I also need to prove myself worthy of such as well. I need to push myself and be better than i was yesterday. Granted, I am not in competition with anyone else but myself, and I strive to be better than I was and ever will be. I know I have it in me, I just need that drive and push and motivation. C’mon, body time to pull yourself together….

I want to push farther and harder in my career.
I want to really try harder at work now.
I want to really commit and push myself at the gym
I want to be a better at domestic servitude at home.
I want to be better at my own self confidence and body imagery.

Daily positive affirmations. My mother says them often, perhaps I should start doing the same.

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I wonder if there are any BDSM or D/s lifestyle specific affirmations out there? If not, perhaps Master can help me develop some. I know that everything is mind over matter, and if I can tweak how I think and process my own thinking, perhaps I can really accomplish things easier and find it easier to commit and push myself to strive above and beyond.

Primal.

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If anything could be perfectly summed up in a photograph…. This would be it. This is how I look and feel, and how Master is overseeing things. My mother and his mother are worried. Hell, i’m worried. I haven’t been this ill since I was a child and i’m fortunate I don’t remember much of that. Today i’m tired. More things hurt. I am feeling just utterly exhausted and drained, but I refuse to be a lump on a log, so yes, I tried to go to work today, and yes Master said it wasn’t happening. I argued a little more than I did yesterday just because I am still not used to not doing my part. However, I quit arguing and did as I am told. I am honestly not in any shape to argue much, although I sure tried last night. This weekend was the beginning of the full moon and it’s odd how she manages to hold her sway. Perhaps it’s the full moon, perhaps it’s something else, but all day long I feel horrid and in the late evening for the night hours I begin to show an extreme amount of improvement and stamina. It’s weird. I feel more alive, more at ease, more alert, healthier and certainly able to breathe better.

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Primals across the world feel more in tuned with their primal nature due to this full moon. I’ve always felt different during certain phases of the moon, lunar eclipses, rings around the moon and of course blood on the moon. I’m slowly learning more and more the meaning of Primal and how much I embrace it, especially being ill. It is flesh on flesh, it’s the wild within all of us. The uncivilized part of who we are, where nothing exist but the fire of energy. Primal is our foundation of our basic instincts and our animal nature as we embrace our animal nature. Touching, smelling and being creative with our hands, mouth and body, it is the core of our souls. A Primal’s head space and mindset is more than an attitude of leaving the body and becoming a nonhuman shift into an animalistic being. It is love-making and play at the primal level of our true self. Primal Play, to me, is the release from being a modern human and to be in a privative state of mind where we let loose. It’s thinking and living without restraints as a human; without shame and to embrace our desires and operate on the basic instincts of our soul. It is expressing passion and sensual energy without restraints in our mind and body and most of all without fear. This is the place where our body and mind fine tune the most primitive self as we touch that place of letting go and just being in the moment. It is hot and sensual, and it will touch your inner nature of your true self, and you learn of a new way to be in touch with that hidden part of you. Primal is the raw, animalistic, wild, sexual and uncivilized part of who we are conditioned to be in our daily life. We are taught to ignore, pretend and hide this feeling inside of us and not to share this wild side to the outside world. This exists within all of us and the animal within us is calling us out. It is often a consciousness or space as an individual is connected to their animalistic, primal urges and thinking out of the box.

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Now there are roles within that title of Primal. Prey and Predator, just as it exists in the natural realm. I know of those who indulge in being prey and those who are predators. Neither is less than the other and vice versa. Just as in nature, both are a part of each other and apart of the delicate balance which the other is able to exist. Many say primal is just intuitive as the Druids or nodes or even pagans. I don’t know about all of that, to me, it’s more than those things, but they are all based on the basic belief of being in tune with the world around you, the air, water, the ground, the sun and the moon. In a dynamic we often harbor a pack or clan mentality, what that means to you i’ll let you decide. I know what it means to me and that goes right back to the Alpha Dominant taking care of his own. Mine certainly is doing the best he can. I am so very tired today and have been told to remain next to his side until further notice. To me, things like this disprove those horrible beliefs that BDSM and D/s lifestyle is just based on pure sexual energy and pure demand. Master and I aren’t fucking or flogging 24/7. He isn’t FORCING me, CONTROLLING me just to get his rocks off. He’s not telling me to be on my knees, kissing his boots while i’m doing my best not to sneeze all over him. There’s no Christan Grey douchebag telling me he’s going to fuck me and all that crap. No…. He’s here next to me, reading his book, my head rests on his lap. He pets my head gently as I drift off, while we listen to the storm roll in as the wind chimes and trees sing their songs with the wind. He is my Master, I am his submissive. If you don’t feel this way, perhaps it’s time to make the changes to do so….

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