Eggs, Toast and Fifty Shades of Grey….

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So once again, I’m battling another cold…

This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.

My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?

Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master. So it’s up to me to defeat my own demons and keep the dynamic alive and flowing.

This morning, despite not sleeping much, while the Master was getting ready for his first day of a long training month, I got up and began my duties. Made him coffee and tended to the dogs. After he left, I made myself breakfast, read a morning prayer to Sehkmet, and popped in a movie. FSOG for some reason sounded like a good idea. Watching it after all the hype has passed has me laughing now. The movie still sucks, and still portrays the twisted idea of what the muggles see as BDSM. I fast forward passed the sex scenes (i’ve seen better in porn) and listen to the music because much of it is good. There are little things in there I can smile about however. Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me. When he spoils her and her natural reactions to it remind me of myself. Master has spoiled me rotten and I feel as if I often don’t deserve any of it, in fact I cried the other day thinking of how blessed I am. The goosebumps she gets in her first experience in their “play” scenes (if you want to call them that) I STILL get them to this day. The way her arms just fall as he unhooks her out of exhaustion, is a comforting feeling…… I won’t lie, the play room, he has set up is nice, I wouldn’t mind if Master had a rack like that we could play on!

Regardless, watching FSOG and not really giving a damn shows how long this fad will last with the muggles, and I hope the community can come off of it’s high horse and focus on the kink at hand. I know for myself, i’ve been guilty of this and need to refocus on that. I am hoping to make a local coffee munch soon, and overcome the idea that I may see someone from work or within my line of work. We all have our little secrets and desires, it does not make me any less than. In fact, it makes me even more certain of myself, I just wished I didn’t default to negative when I hear it from another….

50 Shades of WTF

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I don’t know WHY or WHAT drove me to search the tag “50 shades” on wordpress today….. Fair warning. Don’t.

Abort. Avoid. Do NOT. I repeat. Do NOT. 

The stupidity that is involved is an unbearable amount. Curiosity killed this kitten….. Again….

Between being called narcissistic and a sociopath, but also a sex addict and um those who proclaim that it’s NOT abuse *snarf*

5 minutes and I have a headache.

Look, i’m not a BDSM expert, but i’m smart enough to know the difference.
2015-02-14_0950In related news, I’ve been toying with the idea of “coming out” to my Mother. No way in hell i’d ever tell my father… Far as he knows i’m a virgin. I’ve been wanting to build a closer bond with my mother, since I was 16 we’ve been very estranged and still talk in a bland and quiet manner. It’s hard because we have such conflicting personalities we have been butting heads since I hit puberty. Since i’m reaching the age of wanting a family, I want to mend some of those old wounds. A way to close those open chapters of my past and to completely free myself of those old demons for good.

The question is: HOW?! I mean, how does one go,”Hey mom guess what?! i‘m a submissive! I’m into bondage, primal play, impact devices such as whips and floggers and oh yeah, I call my boyfriend Master.”

Seriously, how do you go about it? When I told my best friends and Master’s parents I felt like I was “coming out of the closet” and it was terrifying.

So for those who have come out to their parents or close family members how did you do it?

Well played Hollywood……

As usual, I’m behind on things of this world. Don’t laugh but I’ve never seen the movie Mr & Mrs. Smith. You’ve heard of it right?IMG_3137

Right. Well The Master and I picked up some movies over our days off. We’re the type who like to stay at home and veg out on the couch together. I know what you’re thinking,”OMG you mean you people aren’t doing kinky sexual things all the time!?” (insert sarcasm)

Anyways, the entire time we watched this Master had this nostalgic smile. I couldn’t believe how much we related to the characters. I know so many say or hear that when they watch a movie, but I’m so serious here. Examples:
wpid-wp-1408611079692Their first encounter was on a whim and involved a lot of alcohol. They had fun just talking, dancing and listening to music. Did I mention the ton of alcohol? There was no false-ness or facade in the way things just……clicked. Chemistry? Maybe. Timing? Always sucks. c’est la vie. That was us on our first real “alone” time. Seems so long ago, but it was truly a life changing experience. We spent hours out on that porch drinking and listening to music and just enjoying each others company. Felt like we had known each other all of ours lives, and there were no expectations or walls…. Just us….. And the bottle of whiskey.

IMG_3134 They challenge each other. Granted in ways not many often do (Not everyone is determined to kill their spouse….) But that’s something we do. We aren’t afraid to push each other, struggle and argue with each other. We know what each other is capable of and strive to make each other do the best we can. Also, did I mention how competitive and stubborn we are? Err, I mean, they are….

 

IMG_3135When they are so pissed and angry, they hurt each other (Literally). They take out all the hatred for the pain caused by the lies and deceit they’ve discovered in each other. Master and I have had this moment. It was sometime ago, but the wounds are still healing. We hurt each other. We hurt each other so very badly. We shattered each other’s hearts and souls. Yet, despite it all, we looked at each other’s tear soaked faces and chose to mend those wounds. It’s something we’ve continued to do everyday. We continue chose each other and have made it known we’re not going to quit trying for each other. Even when we’re so goddamn pissed at each other. Besides, everyone knows make up sex is amazing.

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Besides the movie, things have been meh here. Still not much D/s wise. I have to admit i’m afraid to even think of such things during this week. Fifty shades of bullshit Grey movie premiers this weekend and I’m really debating on avoiding social media for a while just to stay away from the sub/dom frenzy that will explode faster than a high school freshman boy’s wet dream. My career has hit a lull with my recent injury. As a strong submissive woman, I know many can vouch over the fact that a career can mean so much to a person. I’m not a pearl wearing, office-type of person. I like to be out in the field, doing what I know I was made to do. However, I’ve been stuck with a bum knee. I don’t like it. It’s affecting my self-esteem as well among other things because I not only cannot scene (even if Master wanted to) but I can’t work out, I can’t do yoga, limited movement…. blah. Now, granted it’ll heal and it’ll get better, however, I’m impatient. Luckily Master and I were able to hit the range yesterday and it was extremely comforting and a turn on to see the Alpha in him appear. I love it when he is my Master 🙂

 

 

Can’t save the damsel if she loves the distress……

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There are so many “how-to” guides on BDSM and D/s and M/s and DD/lg and Master/Pet and this and that…. It’s really fucking hard to know exactly what is real and what is not. What is fiction and what is reality. I began to really think about this last night and this morning while my daily browsing of fetlife & facebook. So many misconceptions that are wrong regarding this lifestyle and the fundamentals of our community. Why? Yes FSOG and other related stories. Can you blame them? Yes and No. I say both because while the common sense dictates they are reading FICTION novels and should know it’s not based on the truth, to those who’ve never ever considered or thought of this lifestyle before may just not know any better. So their expectations are based purely on the fantasy of the stories and characters that they read. Unfortunately, that twists the truth in about a thousand different ways and thus the masses follow in a new direction away from that which is the truth and so the new “norm” is no longer as it was. Make sense? To know that the words “pussy, cunt, dick, sex, tits, ass and cock” are seen about a million times more than “love, passion, fulfill, respect,soul and devotion” is just proof when it comes to those who “write” about their submissive/dominance experiences. Granted the sex is amazing, at least in my dynamic, but that is not what we know our D/s is based on. To know that someone is protecting me, even when i’m perfectly capable of protecting myself. To know that he may tear my walls down in the most barbaric ways only to build me up to what I was meant to be, a stronger form of myself, that he knows I am capable of becoming. To learn to trust another soul and let go of the control that I often find that even I cannot always handle on my own. Not to say “thank you for letting me cum Sir” but instead “Thank you for teaching me and not letting me quit”. There are those who purely want only a sexual dynamic and that’s great for them! However, they call it for what it is not dress it up and call it something else. The best sex organ is the ears, and I say that because to have someone listen to you sleep at night, listen to you cry, listen to you laugh, vent and most of all, listen even when you say nothing at all….. That to me is by far the biggest turn on of all. And of course it should be reciprocated as well!! Perhaps that is why I find myself more and more attracted to the wolf-dom. The one who will nurture you, teach you, guard you, protect you, play with you, love you, and if need be remind you of your place should you get a wild hair up your ass…..

Things my Master is perfectly capable of, even when he relapses from time to time. We’re not perfect, but we try to be perfect for each other in our faults. There are times when even a kitten feels abandoned, neglected or like she’s one of many and it hurts. It hurts so bad, but as I said yesterday, I lick my wounds and press on. I’ve taught myself how to “self-heal” in my life. It’s not a bad thing to have, yet it feels as if it should be. Master said yesterday there was a sadness in my eyes and while I don’t see it, I feel it. Perhaps there is but as with all hurt in my life i’ve learned to load it into the rest of the baggage and forget it’s there until the next time I have to self-heal. The only difference is that this time I really am sick and tired of carrying these bags. I really am. I want to toss them over a mountain and let them be forgotten in the darkness of the hills. I want to free myself of it all but I was reminded that you can’t do that no matter how hard you try. The scars will last forever and so will the mistakes you’ve made in the past. While they may not define me, others will remind me. Speaking with another sub friend whom I consider a close friend; We’ve had such similar experiences it’s almost frightening. She and I both reflect in each and in ourselves what we’d like in our lives that it’s simple really, however, it’s perhaps best to leave such thoughts in a dream land. I’m learning one cannot focus and stress on the things they cannot control. You have to just let life be and let it take its course; Whatever that may be. Enjoy the here and now….. Deal with tomorrow when it arrives.

Brace yourselves….

*sigh* Here it comes folks. The lines will be drawn where the outside people will see us as either intriguing or disturbed…

They said the FSOG movie…

‘Promotes torture as sexually gratifying, graphic nudity, encourages stalking and abuse of power, promotes female inequality, glamorizes and legitimizes violence against women.’”

Seen here: http://insidemovies.ew.com/2015/01/12/morality-in-media-criticizes-r-rating-for-fifty-shades-of-grey/

It’s coming….

I sat here for a good thirty minutes contemplating what the heck to write about and until now I drew a blank.

My morning routine began as normal as can be. Coffee, breakfast, tabs open to fetlife, Facebook and WordPress. As I browsed the web to allow the caffeine to work its magic on my mushy brain I came across a writing on fetlife that caught my eye. The writer described their concerns regarding the very-near-future of the 50 shades movie premier and what that’ll mean for the BDSM community.

It’s a topic I’ve mentioned a time or two, but never solely on it so here we go:

I, too am worried. You see the wave of subfrenzy and dom-wannabe’s has been increasing over time. Many who have fallen for this “Christian Grey” character and seem to think spreading their legs far and wide is a sign of submission. So many don’t see beyond the bedroom and then a pair of handcuffs is all that it takes.

And that to me is so sad. What is even worse is granted the book – as shitty as they are- at least opened the idea to the mainstream world. Granted, it’s nothing near that of which actually occurs, but the idea seed was planted and it got people talking and googling at least. Now again, many have been fooled by this crap and once they learn how it really happens one of two things happens; They either change their thinking and continue to learn or they are scared and leave it all together. That I feel is a start of the weeding out process. However, many are still left to be preyed on by wanna be dummies. Which brings me to my next topic: Abuse.

Many feminists, right wingers, and close minded individuals feels this lifestyle glorifies abuse and rape culture when it doesn’t. The golden rule of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” echoes the fact that we are all adults perfectly capable of making our own decisions and if those decisions cannot be made then they should never happen to avoid any possibilities of abuse or harm. Masters ex pretty much called me insane since I love being bruised and hit by Master. Never mind the fact that it’s done with love and consent. That it’s never done passed my limit of pain tolerance and the aftercare that follows is filled with love and adoration for both of us. There’s millions of horror stories shared by kinksters from outsider viewpoints. Many feel we are Narcissists, sociopaths, victims, weak, abusers, brainwashed etc…. And granted, there ARE those types of individuals in this lifestyle just as in any group within society. However, I feel with this book and the movie that is coming, it’s only going to get worse. There are plenty of movies and books that have since echoed the FSOG theology, some of which after opening one page made me want to drink.

So many people have found themselves turning AWAY from fetlife because of how crappy it’s gotten. Dick pic, boobs, vagina, itty bitty 18-year-old girls and people getting gang-banged is all that fills K&P (kinky and popular). Many lifestylers who have done this for many years are disgusted and annoyed by it. I have been practicing BDSM for some time, not nearly as long as many that I know, but long enough that even I am annoyed. There’s such beauty and wonder within it, but it’s becoming overshadowed by stupidity. It’s refreshing when I can speak with those who truly understand its underlying fundamentals, but it’s becoming few and far in between. Those who do see those fundamentals and believe in them and practice them are the only remaining hope for this community. I’ve always been curious what others think, but only time will tell what will happen.

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