Love & other impossible pursuits….

I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written in ages. For many reasons, but mostly because i’ve been grieving.

I lost my child. Our baby died.

There I said it.

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My pregnancy had been bumpy since day 1, but knowing how Master and I are, we knew our little mini would be just as big of a pain in the ass as we were. I’ll never forget it. It was a Saturday, Master had gotten home from work not but an hour earlier, when I woke up with a strong pain in my stomach. It wasn’t a cramp like before, this was different. I knew pregnant women had dealt with gas and other digestion issues (TMI, I know…) so I just summed it up to that. He went to get me tylenol and other OTC meds, which I took and felt better after sleeping most of the afternoon. I woke up that evening just fine, no pain and no issues. Around 9-10pm I slowly began to feel those pains again, which began to increase in severity as the night went on. Master and I had a poly couple we know through the community pass through town and stay at our house for the night. I tried to be a good host, however, with the increasing pain I had issues just getting around. I couldn’t even sit. Around midnight, I told Master that I thought something could be seriously wrong. He urged me to go to the ER, however, I could barely move, unable to sit down, let alone drive myself anywhere. I wasn’t about to ask our houseguests who had been driving all day to take me, so Master did. I felt bad I didn’t want to bug or bother, in fact, I protested at one point; But I went anyway. The original plan was he was going to take me, then head back to work until things slowed down a bit. However, that didn’t happen. I was admitted, and moved quickly along the evals. The pain got worse, the seconds dragged on. I remember being curled up in the fetal position, hooked up to an IV drip of pain meds, and they just weren’t working. I felt cold, I felt scared. He held my hand, but my hands were cold. The night was a lot of tests, imaging, this medicine, that doctor, it was all a blur. I barely remember Master’s Sgt coming to be with him. I barely remember the doctor telling me I was dying, as I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding severely internally. I barely remember signing the form for emergency surgery. I closed my eyes, and woke up to nurses trying to get me to stay awake. My best friend, love and master pleading me to also stay awake, but I was just so tired. I closed my eyes with it being dark outside, and woke up with the sunlight shining in my room. There was friends and family there all with a look of concern. I was groggy, and disoriented, but I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew, my baby was gone. I never said it out loud, no one did, but I knew. The following week was a blur of visitations. Balloons and flowers. Condolences. Restless days and nights for Master and I, my mother as well who drove to my side. Awkward silences. Wrong medications. Physical pains and other wounds unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Complication after complication after surgery, I spent a week bedridden. Finally getting home, and i lived on the couch for days, unable to even lay flat on my own bed. Little victories since, I have been able to partly move around and it’s a slow progress, physically anyway.

However, the emotional and mental wounds…. I can’t even begin to explain this…. Pain. This wound.

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I am sad. If I don’t think about it, i’m okay, but the second, the very second i do, I can’t stop crying. I don’t need a trigger, I don’t need to be around babies or baby things. Granted, being around them hurts, so deep, like a knife being twisted over and over and over until I can remove myself from that. I feel awful and selfish for being sad. So many have said how they got over it, and I will etc… But, I don’t want to hear it right now. My mother is glad I lived. Apparently I was that close to dying. Master is glad that I lived. I am too, but why didn’t my baby? Why? I’ve since blamed myself, I shouldn’t, but I do. My mistakes have happened, and I’ve been punished. That’s what I deserve. I ruined a marriage. I ruined a life i’m sure. I did something to deserve this.

Then I look at Master. He’s hurting so badly. And it’s my fault. Before me he lived a stress free life, and now look at what he must deal with. I failed at so much, I couldn’t be the woman he needs. I couldn’t be healthy enough to carry our baby. My tubes kept our angel instead of letting it pass through. Our angel was growing beautiful and strong, but I wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t give him what he deserves, I couldn’t do what he needs and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left. Honestly. Not in the least bit. He says he won’t but I expect it. And even that alone, is awful, why am I thinking so horribly of him? Or is it by myself?

I have a few more weeks at home before I have to return to work, regardless, I have zero desire or motivation. There are days like today where I want to stay in the dark, cold silence of my bedroom and either sleep or cry. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want visitors. I barely bother with Facebook or anything. I find myself clinging to Master, he’s my rock right now and at the same time I don’t want to burden him. I already struggle with looking him in the eyes, how could I have failed him so?

The doctors saved my other tube and ovary, so there’s still a chance to try again, but what if I fail again? I felt hollow before, but now…. Now I really do feel so empty inside. I feel robbed. We had hopes. We had dreams. We had a future planned. Now what? We try again. I want to try again, but he doesn’t seem so at times. And so I don’t blame him, I wait for him to leave. To find another who can give him what I couldn’t. It’s what I deserve. I’m not a physical attraction anymore to him. I am not a desire. I am a listless thing who drifts from couch to bed, with moments of clarity between the tears. I am in love with him, but fear and wait for him to leave. I am depressed and sad and I don’t understand why all of this happened. I know his malicious ex is leaping for joy and the instinct to protect my young is still there. I want to rip her life from her throat. But I am the only one who feels that way. So I keep it inside, if only I could do the same with my sadness. So many others handle it better, and are just so much better than I. I failed again, it seems. There are mothers who lost their babies to SIDS or stillborn, and i’m grieving over an ectopic. I’m an asshole for that. My hair is listless, my face is a mess, my body is disgusting, and I’m unable to even find it in myself to be grateful. The hell is wrong with me. I know they say it’s going to take time, but how much time? I don’t want to be sad forever, but right now I can’t see past tomorrow through my tear stained eyes and nose.

There’s a movie I’ve been watching over and over when i’m alone. Cliche’ but fitting. “The Other Woman” (2009) based on the book “love & other impossible pursuits” by Ayelet Waldman.

Read it/ Watch it.

That’s me in a box right now.

I just want to feel like I did before everything, weeks ago. I loved my baby, even if I never got to hold him/her in my arms. I want to feel loved and loving in return. I want to heal. Why can’t I stop crying? Why now?

And what about Master? He’s in so much pain I can see it in his eyes, yet what about him? He needs to grieve, he needs help too, but he can do better at it than I can…. Yet i feel I still need to be the shoulder he needs. I love him, and want to spend forever with him, but i go back to the mental belief that this is what I deserve, and he deserves better. I don’t want to push him away, I only want to bring him closer to me.

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I know it’ll get easier, things will get better, we will try and try again.

Until then, i’m grieving. I’m crying.

I miss my baby. I’m sorry my baby. I’m so very, very sorry.

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We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.

Fourth,

ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….

Fifth,

Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n

Oye.

As amazing as the female body can be, I have to complain today. My hormones which I lovingly call “whore-moans” cause they’re a bitch are so out of whack. As a sub it’s pissing me off because I can’t keep a tight rein on my moods or emotions and it’s effecting my relationship with Master, and it’s frustrating me even more because I don’t know why. Can’t get into a doc for a good month so I need to find ways to even this out. If anyone can send me some over the counter or home remedies PLEASE do.

In other news, the career is back up and running. yay! A light toward the end of the tunnel. I am hoping it continues to lead to some great opportunities later on! Master didn’t seem as excited as my last interviews but hey i’ll take it. I know he’s been under alot of stress still. I am homesick and want to see my family so bad although today I found out one of my Aunts has decided to block me from social media which is hurtful. I’m not sure what I did to offend but with the recent turn of events in our family it’s start to really ripple out to everyone. I am trying not to take it to heart but I can’t help it but wonder if it stems from Her or something. It’s awful to keep making those connections that every thing could come from Her but the way Masters ex is passive/aggressive/borderline crazy – anything is possible. Never say never!

Meanwhile, the busy busy non-stop week are finally slowing down (thank the heavens) and I’m looking forward to the much needed rest at some point. We once again attended another munch and really enjoyed ourselves. It’s so welcoming to mingle and have such fun conversations with like-minded individuals. Everyone thinks we’re a bunch of weirdos who talk only about sex but we are just regular people who yes are pervs but also enjoy music, politics, food, jokes, etc….  I love how comfortable Master and I are becoming in our community. I look forward to learning more together and branch out some more. I know that Master and I are overcoming our differences day by day. We are finding out more about how we are so much alike and so different all at once, but one thing is that no matter how much we fight, we don’t give up on each other. My bond to him runs so deep, no chains needed. Once upon a time we tried to leave each other and even then we couldn’t. I love him with all that I am and my devotion to serving him runs deep through my veins. His ability to calm my demons and settle my mind even when it fights back, proves his words that he refuses to give up on us. I can only hope that once the weight of our paradox and troubles of the past start to lift one by one we can only improve after all that we’ve endured. It’s hard, everyday we have to continuously work at it. People think 24/7 D/s is easy and it’s not, but it IS possible.
I don’t have much to say i’m honestly just tired. I’d love time away with just the owner and I without any type of agenda. *sigh* he’s so used to always being busy and doing things as that was his daily life before I came along. I always indulged in the little time I had to relax because of how busy I was too. C’est la vie!

‘Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.’- Dolly Parton

Drop.

If you’ve never experienced drop before it’s a bitch. Scratch that. It’s a PMSing nightmare of a bitch. It’s like Her level of a bitch ha.

But alas drop whether it be sub or dom drop it’s still part of the package. And oh what a heavy package it can be. Recently, Master and I attended a very big kink event in our area and it was our first together as we were very excited. We had a blast and were able to push our boundaries a little more as well as indulge in our dynamic that much more. Our bond grew. Knowing he had the other end of the leash was even more fulfilling than I had ever imagined. To see him break out of his shell and become more confident and comfortable was even MORE rewarding than all the flogging I was able to enjoy. My pain tolerance has increased; We discovered that a few times although I am learning that cat-o-nine is a devilish little item. Now after the event we both experienced a very strong drop, and Master himself even said that for the first time he didn’t want to leave and go home. Me, being me, I stuffed that drop without even knowing it. Subconsciously I’ve never been one to let myself feel things because I was taught it was a sign of weakness from a very early age. submissive like me I believe feel much stronger and deeper than we realize sometimes. Because I stuffed it, I ended up creating a very toxic situation with Master to the point where I became disobedient, rude, argumentative just a plain asshole to the point where we were shouting at each other. I’m not sure how he managed to do so but he basically stopped the shouting and became his domly self and yanked me over his knee, yanked off my pants and gave me the beating of my life. I know that sounds bad for those who aren’t apart of this lifestyle but I am so grateful he had the strength to give me what apparently I really needed without even knowing it.

I don’t allow myself to break; And by “break” I mean cry or feel certain emotions as I said above I was taught it’s a sign of weakness. The only “break” I wanted to feel is during a scene in breaking my limits and PUSHING me to do so. What Master did was what is commonly called in the community “Therapy Spankings”, and doing what he did he pushed me to break and in doing so allowed me to feel all the emotions i’ve subconsciously been stuffing for who knows how long. I cried hysterically. I mean I really sobbed my heart out until there was no more tears left in either of us. Once it was all done and over with, he dressed me, kissed me softly on the forehead and held me tightly in his arms and lap. No words needed to be said between either of us, the touching of our bodies said it all. Plus we had cookies and milk in bed which is a win all in itself lol 🙂

People don’t see what types of emotions we endure in this lifestyle. Whether you’re top or bottom, Dom, sub, little, slave, Master, whatever… you literally give your all and everything into it and it’s so much exchange on every level. So many only see the sexual aspect thanks to 50 Shades. Do you think the “almighty” Christian would have given whats-her-nuts a therapy beating because he knew she needed it? Doubt it.

There’s much more to learn and be willing to learn. I know now that because of the events that have occurred in the last few weeks I am finding myself more and more to allow my Master to see those ugly sides of me that he never saw before and to allow him into my darkness so that he can help me heal myself.

HMFIC.

Ever hear the phrase “How the cow ate the cabbage”? 

No? well it’s basically a “Coming to Jesus” kind of thing/conversation.

Last night we had one of those. Sort of….

Well it was mostly Master. I’m not sure what happened in the last 24 hours. I didn’t realize my Dom was broken or our dynamic was needing to be fixed. I knew that things haven’t been as full of spark as it used to, but with the overload of stress I knew that Masters plate is full and I didn’t want to be the whiney naggy sub who is screaming “me! me! Me!” so I just let things go and let them be. He said he wants to make changes and take more control; or as the new term has been coined “Head Motherfucker in Charge

…..kay?

Granted I do hope that he will do whatever he feels he needs to do to fix whatever he feels isn’t working right. I personally don’t want to be the one pushing the kool-aid his way yknow. I just want him happy, just as he does for me. I will do as he asks and support him throughout every change, aspect and rollercoaster we may endure. He knows i’m a person who believes in action over words and that where there’s a will there’s a way…. I have hopes but I don’t want to put any pressure on him. It was wonderful the way he was a little more commanding last night where he was able to center not only myself but himself as well. A good scene will do that. It was so relaxing and the marks that were left behind on both of our bodies were reminders of a strong passionate and powerful bond that needed some TLC. The balance of 24/7 DS and reality is hard to find and KEEP. How some dynamics manage to only keep it in the bedroom, I have no idea……. Regardless I think that was the first good night’s rest either of us had in a long while (Unless he was lying to me -_-) If only it could be a more than once-a-month thing.
Meanwhile things are gearing up here at home to get very busy PDQ. I’m excited. I like busy. I don’t like too much blah or mundane. Don’t get me wrong I REALLY enjoy days of relaxation and solitude but busy is good too. Keeps one from thinking too much. I’m so unbelievable ecstatic to see the group from home soon. Of course the realist in me is freaking out over finances but master reassures it’s fine and to not fret. I’m trying to trust him and his words. I REALLY am….. its just hard. I don’t want to be the hypocrite still remembering the past, but some of those wounds still sting from time to time. But then again i’m sure his does too. I need to keep that in mind, which is why I love it when we can share stories from our very beginnings from strangers, friendship, best friends, co-workers, etc…. in a way it was to bring up the things we couldn’t say before without fear because it’s done and over with yknow? Those stories really show how far we’ve come along and how many times any regular person would have probably given up….but I stayed. We stayed.

So the master wants to reform. Let’s see what happens…. ball is in his court now!

P.S – The primal came out in me again. I still have no clue about it.

No.

My mother told me that my very first word was “No.” In fact that was probably the only word I knew for a long time as i’ve been so used to hearing it.
“No, you can’t stay out late”
“No, you can’t do _____”
“No, you can’t climb that tree”
“No, you can’t win”
“No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t” “No, you can’t”  “No, you can’t”

It’s just one of those things that feeds into negativity, fears, insecurities, demons all that crap. It’s a heavy burden that I’ve often failed at overcoming. Baggage. A ton of it that I seem to carry from one relationship to another. From one job to another. From one life event to another. It would be great to just drop those suckers off and leave them behind but i’ve learned the past always catches up with you… whether it be karma or some kind of juju it just does. For the most part i’ve embraced all of my flaws for what they are and just kind of accepted them. One thing I have had to deal with lately is the rejection from life.

“Dream” job #1 gave me the ol denied/rejected
Option B gave me today a big fat denied/rejected
Lately Anal training has been rejecting because my mind is thinking “NOPE”

Just a downward spiral i’m trying desperately hard to keep from going out of control. I know that this is a small slump that everyone deals with from time to time but for me it’s one of those “woe is me” crap that my demons LOOOOVE to breed off of. My mother – inadvertently- has always been my biggest critic. Whether be about my weight, my house, the way I dressed, the way I talked, the men I dated, the way I spent my money, the way I cooked… You name it, it was never good enough. Some say “that’s mothers” but for me… She was all I had growing up so it was a learned behavior that if it wasn’t good enough for her it’ll never be good enough for anyone and who would ever want a woman like that? Part of why I don’t know if I could ever tell her about my dynamic with Master and probably why lately my insecurities about being a burden are so high. She always instilled into me (which honestly isn’t a bad habit) to never need a man, to be able to take care of myself 100% so that way no one will ever hold anything over my head, I would never be an obligation or a leech.

Master has tried his best to reaffirm his thoughts on it, that I am in fact none of those things but it’s so hard to break; and today’s rejection didn’t help. I know there are choices and opportunities out there for me and I can’t sit back and just pity party myself but I didn’t think it would take this long nor did I think I wouldn’t have a chance. Everything happens for a reason I really need to focus on that part. I fight depression and anxiety everyday but I need to PUSH past that mindset. I need to push not only for myself but for my owner, he deserves that. As his sub, he needs me to be strong, confident and positive. We both have dealt with the outside world trying to belittle and diminish us both individually and together. I still think master is afraid to be open as I am about this but in a way i’m just letting that go. He is a big boy, he can make his own choices. However I need to keep fighting, keep striving. I made it this far, I know I can keep going. I won’t sit on my ass like another person has for almost a year sulking. That’s not my type that’s not me. I’m a fighter, I may not fight fair but i’ll be damned if I don’t get the last punch or the last drop of blood on my hands. Maybe this is my primal side coming out, yknow with the blood moon approaching. I’d love to do a spirit guide sometime, find out what primitive beast is fueling this inside me. No, not some vampire bullshit. (Twilight blows) but something much more realistic and profound. I’m happy to have my master who understands the basics of primal instincts and help me comprehend, even if it takes awhile. I have this urge to fight. I really do. Maybe it’s built up frustration? Maybe it’s the always-brewing rage I have beginning to rise? I know I need to keep it in control for many reasons but deep down I have the urge to hunt. I know i’m not a prey by nature; I’m a predator. Nothing would satisfy me more right now that to turn the tables where the once hunter becomes the hunted. The good thing is that I can feel myself rejecting the idea of rejection and instead turning it into a challenge.

I like challenges. b336763661418d60a85a6cf8950dcc90

A Flogging & R.Kelly

PainSlut

Etymology

pain +‎ slut

Noun

painslut (plural painsluts)

  1. (BDSM, slang) A person who enjoys receiving pain.

Who knew I would ever become one?! Master recently purchased a new goodie for our collection of toys. A Flogger. Something we had been interested in trying. I know very “noob” for those of the BDSM kinksters but hey we’re still new. Now we have other goodies made by a skilled artist & craftsman so this “mainstream production” of items can be different and less-than. Floggers for example: Many (Thanks to FSOG) have seen floggers as a lightweight device with sometimes furry or pleather type falls. short. Some are “barbed wire” decorative with sparkles or some type of decoration.

meh.

They break easily. They don’t last as long. They don’t have a strong reaction or are too flimsy to really inflict any type of pain or pleasure. Made more for looks rather than a purpose. However we found one that was decent for the price and still had a good weight to it. James Deen AKA The King of Kinky Porn has recently manufactured a line of toys aimed toward the kinkier side of sex however it is still too “mainstream” for our liking. Bed straps are meant to create a sensation of resistance for the common couple but for people like me I’d snap those suckers in an instant. We purchased some other goodies that had piqued our interests for some time including a Wartenberg pinwheel and a larger ball gag among other items. I won’t indulge in the details but let me just say a few things:

  1. My Master is a natural at the flogger.
  2. I never knew how much variation can come from a flogger from intensity to the extreme sensual
  3. I have orgasmed from a flogging
  4. I think i’m addicted to flogging

Master had to go as far as “we need to take a break from the flogger“. LOL but when I’ve had some down time i’ve found myself thinking “whoa what the hell?!” because when I first started in my journey I was so afraid of pain, real pain. Sure a choking and a smack on the ass sounds fun and all but to really let someone wail on you for a half hour, with lick marks up and down my backside, thighs and chest and it feels better more and more…. Yea that’s not the little girl I once knew. And I have wondered if Master is okay with it. Don’t get it twisted, he does NOT condone a man hitting a woman. No way, not how we were raised, but that is where so many get this lifestyle twisted. All of this infliction is done with love and pleasure it is never to be done in anger or hate like a person who abuses someone. He pointed out to me that this helps him as it helps me, it allows him to silence the thousand other thoughts bouncing in his head and focus on the task at hand. Who knew a dominant had a similar experience called “Domspace” much like our “Subspace”? And the endorphins that come from those is an amazing high much like after a good long run or workout.

After the turbulent weekend we had yesterday was almost a complete 180. We laughed. We were playful. We joked and jammed to music late into the night to the hits of our time and somewhere between Journey and R. Kelly I saw the happiness that once was suppressed really begin to come out in him.  It made me smile a true smile and laugh a whole hearted laugh. I fell in love with him all over again and to know that the pain slut in me loved the man who was singing to Guns & Roses at the top of his lungs. I can only hope this continues to help him as he helps me. My Master is not perfect. His kitten is not perfect but in the cracks and flaws of our image we have found ways to be perfect for each other. We make perfect mistakes and perfect love. We find ways to be perfect in our lifestyle and perfectly new at it. We perfectly push each other and perfectly annoy each other. We perfectly laugh and perfectly strive with and for each other. And at the end of the day I think I can fall asleep perfectly in the arms of my dominant knowing tomorrow we will learn another lesson and maybe i’ll get another perfect flogging again 😉