Love & other impossible pursuits….

I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written in ages. For many reasons, but mostly because i’ve been grieving.

I lost my child. Our baby died.

There I said it.

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My pregnancy had been bumpy since day 1, but knowing how Master and I are, we knew our little mini would be just as big of a pain in the ass as we were. I’ll never forget it. It was a Saturday, Master had gotten home from work not but an hour earlier, when I woke up with a strong pain in my stomach. It wasn’t a cramp like before, this was different. I knew pregnant women had dealt with gas and other digestion issues (TMI, I know…) so I just summed it up to that. He went to get me tylenol and other OTC meds, which I took and felt better after sleeping most of the afternoon. I woke up that evening just fine, no pain and no issues. Around 9-10pm I slowly began to feel those pains again, which began to increase in severity as the night went on. Master and I had a poly couple we know through the community pass through town and stay at our house for the night. I tried to be a good host, however, with the increasing pain I had issues just getting around. I couldn’t even sit. Around midnight, I told Master that I thought something could be seriously wrong. He urged me to go to the ER, however, I could barely move, unable to sit down, let alone drive myself anywhere. I wasn’t about to ask our houseguests who had been driving all day to take me, so Master did. I felt bad I didn’t want to bug or bother, in fact, I protested at one point; But I went anyway. The original plan was he was going to take me, then head back to work until things slowed down a bit. However, that didn’t happen. I was admitted, and moved quickly along the evals. The pain got worse, the seconds dragged on. I remember being curled up in the fetal position, hooked up to an IV drip of pain meds, and they just weren’t working. I felt cold, I felt scared. He held my hand, but my hands were cold. The night was a lot of tests, imaging, this medicine, that doctor, it was all a blur. I barely remember Master’s Sgt coming to be with him. I barely remember the doctor telling me I was dying, as I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding severely internally. I barely remember signing the form for emergency surgery. I closed my eyes, and woke up to nurses trying to get me to stay awake. My best friend, love and master pleading me to also stay awake, but I was just so tired. I closed my eyes with it being dark outside, and woke up with the sunlight shining in my room. There was friends and family there all with a look of concern. I was groggy, and disoriented, but I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew, my baby was gone. I never said it out loud, no one did, but I knew. The following week was a blur of visitations. Balloons and flowers. Condolences. Restless days and nights for Master and I, my mother as well who drove to my side. Awkward silences. Wrong medications. Physical pains and other wounds unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Complication after complication after surgery, I spent a week bedridden. Finally getting home, and i lived on the couch for days, unable to even lay flat on my own bed. Little victories since, I have been able to partly move around and it’s a slow progress, physically anyway.

However, the emotional and mental wounds…. I can’t even begin to explain this…. Pain. This wound.

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I am sad. If I don’t think about it, i’m okay, but the second, the very second i do, I can’t stop crying. I don’t need a trigger, I don’t need to be around babies or baby things. Granted, being around them hurts, so deep, like a knife being twisted over and over and over until I can remove myself from that. I feel awful and selfish for being sad. So many have said how they got over it, and I will etc… But, I don’t want to hear it right now. My mother is glad I lived. Apparently I was that close to dying. Master is glad that I lived. I am too, but why didn’t my baby? Why? I’ve since blamed myself, I shouldn’t, but I do. My mistakes have happened, and I’ve been punished. That’s what I deserve. I ruined a marriage. I ruined a life i’m sure. I did something to deserve this.

Then I look at Master. He’s hurting so badly. And it’s my fault. Before me he lived a stress free life, and now look at what he must deal with. I failed at so much, I couldn’t be the woman he needs. I couldn’t be healthy enough to carry our baby. My tubes kept our angel instead of letting it pass through. Our angel was growing beautiful and strong, but I wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t give him what he deserves, I couldn’t do what he needs and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left. Honestly. Not in the least bit. He says he won’t but I expect it. And even that alone, is awful, why am I thinking so horribly of him? Or is it by myself?

I have a few more weeks at home before I have to return to work, regardless, I have zero desire or motivation. There are days like today where I want to stay in the dark, cold silence of my bedroom and either sleep or cry. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want visitors. I barely bother with Facebook or anything. I find myself clinging to Master, he’s my rock right now and at the same time I don’t want to burden him. I already struggle with looking him in the eyes, how could I have failed him so?

The doctors saved my other tube and ovary, so there’s still a chance to try again, but what if I fail again? I felt hollow before, but now…. Now I really do feel so empty inside. I feel robbed. We had hopes. We had dreams. We had a future planned. Now what? We try again. I want to try again, but he doesn’t seem so at times. And so I don’t blame him, I wait for him to leave. To find another who can give him what I couldn’t. It’s what I deserve. I’m not a physical attraction anymore to him. I am not a desire. I am a listless thing who drifts from couch to bed, with moments of clarity between the tears. I am in love with him, but fear and wait for him to leave. I am depressed and sad and I don’t understand why all of this happened. I know his malicious ex is leaping for joy and the instinct to protect my young is still there. I want to rip her life from her throat. But I am the only one who feels that way. So I keep it inside, if only I could do the same with my sadness. So many others handle it better, and are just so much better than I. I failed again, it seems. There are mothers who lost their babies to SIDS or stillborn, and i’m grieving over an ectopic. I’m an asshole for that. My hair is listless, my face is a mess, my body is disgusting, and I’m unable to even find it in myself to be grateful. The hell is wrong with me. I know they say it’s going to take time, but how much time? I don’t want to be sad forever, but right now I can’t see past tomorrow through my tear stained eyes and nose.

There’s a movie I’ve been watching over and over when i’m alone. Cliche’ but fitting. “The Other Woman” (2009) based on the book “love & other impossible pursuits” by Ayelet Waldman.

Read it/ Watch it.

That’s me in a box right now.

I just want to feel like I did before everything, weeks ago. I loved my baby, even if I never got to hold him/her in my arms. I want to feel loved and loving in return. I want to heal. Why can’t I stop crying? Why now?

And what about Master? He’s in so much pain I can see it in his eyes, yet what about him? He needs to grieve, he needs help too, but he can do better at it than I can…. Yet i feel I still need to be the shoulder he needs. I love him, and want to spend forever with him, but i go back to the mental belief that this is what I deserve, and he deserves better. I don’t want to push him away, I only want to bring him closer to me.

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I know it’ll get easier, things will get better, we will try and try again.

Until then, i’m grieving. I’m crying.

I miss my baby. I’m sorry my baby. I’m so very, very sorry.

Fix it.

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My dynamic is severely broken, as in it almost no longer exits. My relationship with Master is still there, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together and very much in love, but our kink is missing.

In a BSDM D/s dynamic it’s heartbreaking. It’s a very big part of us as individuals, and I don’t know about Master, but without the kink I feel as if a big piece of me is missing. Stress is increasing ten fold in our everyday lives as new responsibilities Master has inherited and with me being out of work with this knee injury; we’re just overwhelmed. It’s understandable that the kink took a backseat, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I desire my protocols, my structure, my Sir. I miss feeling the joy of my collar as I did when he first placed it around my neck. Hell, I even miss the punishments. I miss our scenes, I miss that feeling of a primal challenge as well as the pain slut at the mercy of his flogger and cat.

I feel useless, and unworthy. Lost. Alone. Confused about my place. It’s an odd feeling, but I know this is something that happens to everyone at some point. In this conservative town, I’m cut off from that feeling of belonging to a community and group. I’ve began to pretty much “out” myself on social media, but that’s because I don’t care anymore. I love the fact that i’m submissive. I love the fact that I’ve found the strength to allow another to own me and the strength to submit. I love the feeling of leather and the leather lifestyle. I love the pride I have in being owned. I love the feeling of the marks my Master leaves me, it’s the most delicious soreness one could ever have.  Not everyone has to understand or like it, it’s not their life to live! It’s mine! I have no shame at all. Because of FSOG I understand why many want to remain anonymous in the BDSM world, but I do not. I will not let a bad apple ruin this. I will be proactive about it should anyone ask questions.

I need to find things to do in my life more related to the BDSM community, perhaps it’ll help me feel as if i’m contributing more to things that matter to me.

Tantalizing Tuesday….

The need to breed is dwelling deep in my soul. The level of stress, however, seems to trump Master from that. It’s horrible how I feel when he doesn’t need or lust after me as much as I do for him. In his vanilla life and pitiful marriage, let’s face it, the man never got laid. I was in the same boat with my ex husband. I don’t know if it’s me, but my drive has always been high. I can’t ever have enough. I remember when Master couldn’t keep his hands off of me, even in public! But with the recent events that have fogged his mind with stress and outside distraction, I fail at keeping him satisfied.

Regardless, I am doing my best to not let the demons win at filling my head with nonsense, and remind myself that even if my thighs touch, and my tummy isn’t washboard status yet, I’m delicious and curvaceous and i’m going to seduce myself if I have to damn it. Life’s too short to not be horny all the time haha! Lust and love the life you live! So here’s a little Tuesday motivation to make you want to feel good and move even better 😉

Law abiding kink & an update

So of course the following is purely based on opinion. Has nothing to do with what I feel anyone should live or me playing a “know-it-all”.

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Kink & BDSM is a lifestyle. A sexual orientation. It should be built on mutual consent and understanding. That is a given, but it’s not always so. As both Master and I are a part of those who helps enforce laws, I just CRINGE with distain and agony when I see a kinkster breaking law both common sense or not. When we’ve tried to express our concerns regarding the legal side, we are often met with a backlash, as if we dared to tell someone else how to live. That’s not the case at all. Whether kink’s your thing or not, the mainstreaming of BDSM is bound (ha!) to change the legal landscape. Much of the potential liability centers around consent — the authenticity of it, the legal validity of it, and the ways to prove it.  So, put down the ball gag, lovebirds and think about some things first. Because of our careers, Master and I had unknowingly we’re dispatched to BDSM events or activities in the past and the issues that can spawn out of control because of miscommunications can be overwhelming to some. Even a simple doctor’s visit can have a person in the hot seat. However, what I cannot stand is those who break laws and make BDSM part of the excuse. For example: We all know and hopefully practice SSC in the fetish world. If a person does not willingly consent, then folks that is pretty much against any common sense laws. You’re forcing someone against their own will and god given rights of being able to decide on their own. If you’re married and marry another, again also against the law. There’s polyamory then there is polygamy and last I heard they put people in jail for that. There’s age restrictions (I freaking hope people are smart enough to wait until legal age of 18). There’s articles of people who’s naked images are being posted online without consent as revenge, again voyeurism folks can be against the law in certain states! Also, don’t discriminate a person who is open about their sexuality, relationship practices or BDSM in general; it could be considered a hate crime.

So while i’m not saying every state is the same, or all the laws are the same, make sure you’re not breaking one and then say people are hating you for your practices or beliefs. Because then you’re sounding a bit ignorant there. Be smart. Be safe. That’s all!

In other news, Master and I are hanging in there. We’ve been ridiculously busy lately. A little more than I would like… at least on his behalf. We wrote down our everyday activities, broke them down to the hour and holy busy people batman!!! We are so much busier than I ever thought or imagined! I never realized it until I saw it on a piece of paper. Regardless, i’m hoping with a little push and dedication we can find that stability and consistency again. I am focusing again back on some important goals and dreams again, although some days are harder than others not to completely give up on them. The primal me is still evolving and developing, and really becoming a stronger one. I’ve asked Master to really try for his side as far as our dynamic goes, but I am slowly not pushing it. We haven’t had a scene in a long time and for some reason he doesn’t seem to give a rats ass. Because of the way he seems to not care, well…. I find myself not caring either. It’s saddening, but perhaps it is what it is and i’m just leaving it at that. Perhaps it’ll be a twice a year thing for him – events only. I, unfortunately, cannot function that way. I find myself seeing all the fun and excitement everyone is having on fetlife and i’m just window watching from the outside. I’ve become an outcast and it hurts, but i’ll adapt and overcome. I choose to be by the side of my Mate and if that means sacrificing then so be it. It’s what I’ve always done and know very well. Time will tell just as it always has. Until then i’m still a proud BDSM, kink loving lioness who will just window shop at the fetlife store….

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[No Title…… Because My brain is scattered]

Recently I came to realize that sometimes you are not enough for someone………

Maybe you don’t know why you are not enough.
Maybe you are not pretty enough
Or
Smart enough.
Maybe you are not funny enough, Or maybe you are enough. Perhaps it’s just that the sum of your parts are not enough.

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Regardless, the fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden……

It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care.
It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy.
It makes you human.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart.
During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around
And that’s okay.
No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time.
Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult.
And yes, you may sometimes do or say things
That makes the people around you feel helpless or sad.
But those things aren’t all of who you are,
And they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
You can be difficult and still be cared for.
You can be less than perfect,
And, still be deserving of compassion and kindness and love.

Basically, kick self doubt in the balls really hard. It’s hard to move forward, but I won’t be leaving my Master behind. So I’ll wait until he is ready… until the next time he needs a break and then i’ll wait once again.

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Sigh.

Communication, the most important part of D/s yet the easiest to forget to do. I chose to speak up. You chose to listen and understand.
I chose to cry. You chose to hold me and wipe away my tears.
You chose to explain instead of excuses. I chose to accept.
You chose to apologize. I chose to forgive.
I chose to trust. You chose to care.
I chose to stay. We chose to try.
We chose each other.
I hope we always choose each other………….

I hate him. 

  

I hate him. Them. All of the ones who have left their marks on my soul (and some on my body) which has destroyed my perceptions and self esteem in so many ways. Years of lies, deceit and pain from the the ones who led me to believe they would only care for me and never allow me to feel any hurt or let any tears fall from my eyes. Because of those in my past, my future has become an obstacle and has made me someone I’m not always proud of or happy to be. I have habits, demons and nightmares that make me hate myself sometimes. I punish the ones closest to me subconsciously and i can’t help but want to hate myself even more. The vicious circle continues …….
And I feel utterly powerless to stop the snowball effect it has at times. 

The other day I watched Master go thru his things he received from Her. My mind fluttered as I wondered what he felt as he went through years and years of memories stored away for who knows how long. I wondered what he felt? My curiosity knows no limits. Of course she left little hints here and there for him, a couple of old memories together and while it cut me deep inside, it was a life before me. I have memories of a life before him. I watched as he lit a match, and set a fire to his past, not saying a word as the ashes blew away in the wind. It took me back to my own little burning when I divorced. I burned photo after photo, documents, letters, cards, everything that reminded me of the past. I didn’t love my ex-husband. That I know now, but I do know with all of my being that I love my Master. He’s my best friend. My lover. My Mate. My Alpha. My mentor. My teacher. My rock. 

When the past creeps up and tears my own self conscious apart I feel awful to see what I am putting him through, yet so powerless to stop it. There is so much pain and hurt in my past, beyond that of some heart break of failed relationships. I was beaten without my consent. I was verbally abused. I was raped and have believed for years I am nothing but damaged goods. 
But My Master still loves me beyond it. 
I don’t know why. 
But he does. 
I think he’s fucking crazy for doing so. To this day I think he got the shitty end of the deal being stuck with someone like me. I’m nothing like Her. She’s educated. I’m not. I can’t help but compare myself to her even though I feel sorry for her delusional soul. Yet the demons, they flourish on this crap and I feel myself almost enslaved to the haunting of the visions of my worst memories. They haunt my dreams so vividly I don’t remember the punches that are thrown and the tears that are shed, every single night by me. My pride says I’m going to get myself through this since I’m the one who did this to myself. I feel I’m beyond the help of some Freudian graduate who’s going to hear me talk at $300 an hour and had absolutely NO idea what it’s like to endure the most terrifying moments no one should ever experience. To know what it’s like to feel helpless underneath a stranger. To feel defenseless, surrendered against your will. To feel damaged and ugly from the inside out, no matter what anyone says. To feel abandoned by everyone who said they would never let anything happen to you. 

If only I could set my past on fire completely, watching it finally disappear from my soul as it escapes along the wind…… 

Cinco.

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Today in nerd land- is what we lovingly call “Revenge of the Sith”. Odd I know… considering most people only recognize today for being “Cinco De Mayo”. Both are fun holidays whether you celebrate them or not. If you didn’t know about either one, well………. you’re welcome.

Either way you plan to celebrate just make sure it’s done safely. My energy levels are still slugging along, I wish I had more energy as I did just two weeks ago, however I am just exhausted still from being sick. It was a fight to get my meds and now I find myself wanting to only sleep, however, responsibilities echo relentlessly day in and day out in my head. I need to get back to my routine, my daily in and outs and get back to being productive. Master has expressed concern, as if I over do it (as usual) that i’ll relapse and develop full on pneumonia that much easier. But I can’t help it. I am exhausted just writing this but my brain is screaming at me, saying how I need to get my fat butt off the couch and get to doing what needs to be done.

The struggle is real, and the issue is real as well. When does a submissive know when to stop? When she has reached her limits? They say,”You just know…” But I know I know, yknow? Get that? No? Me either.

Maybe i’ll take a nap. Maybe not. As long as I get things done, what more can I do? I want to be productive and meaningful to my owner. It’s the weird and needy desire, but it works for us. I need him and want him, I want to be needed and wanted in every possible way as well. I also need to prove myself worthy of such as well. I need to push myself and be better than i was yesterday. Granted, I am not in competition with anyone else but myself, and I strive to be better than I was and ever will be. I know I have it in me, I just need that drive and push and motivation. C’mon, body time to pull yourself together….

I want to push farther and harder in my career.
I want to really try harder at work now.
I want to really commit and push myself at the gym
I want to be a better at domestic servitude at home.
I want to be better at my own self confidence and body imagery.

Daily positive affirmations. My mother says them often, perhaps I should start doing the same.

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I wonder if there are any BDSM or D/s lifestyle specific affirmations out there? If not, perhaps Master can help me develop some. I know that everything is mind over matter, and if I can tweak how I think and process my own thinking, perhaps I can really accomplish things easier and find it easier to commit and push myself to strive above and beyond.