We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.


ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….


Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n


Define Normalcy?

Normalcy is a word that is loosely defined in my experience. What works for some doesn’t always work for others. My heart ached as the realization of what i’ve been missing most of all in my life; Kink.

You see, private play with Master is wonderful and amazing… When it happens. Life seems to always have other plans in mind, and the Murphy’s’ law usually takes over at some point or another. However, that community and group hug like feeling is missing. I miss my community so much it hurts. I miss the laughter, the friendships, the munches with amazing foods, the jokes, the photo ops, the stories, the sharing and just surrounding yourself with such open-hearted and minded like individuals. Not having that can really affect a person, especially a submissive.

Master (from what I can tell) has pretty much stopped talking to participating, let alone talking at all about kink. It’s rare to hear him even discuss it outside of a conversation between he and I. That saddens me. He secluded himself without even realizing it, and I hate that i’m bringing it up because it’s like i’m forcing him. I wished he remained interested. He doesn’t use resources anymore. It’s as if the work life is much more enjoyable. Oh well.

I know I, for one, am so eager for April to arrive. The month holds many important dates, two of which i’m just ready to be here already. One of those important dates is a large kink event that i’m just dying to be at. I get to see my old community again and more importantly, be surrounded by what makes me feel actually at peace, whole and welcomed. To me, it’s my “normalcy”. Kink is a bigger part of me than I think my master realizes. That vibe you can feel in a room is utterly addicting!! My heart misses being a part of something bigger than myself. The feeling of being tied. Flogged. On display like a work of art in the making. Euphoric before and after floating like and the feeling of being proudly seen on a leash. To see all the vendors and their works of art. To see the subs and their new collars, the stories with them, the way they proudly hold their heads high to show them off. These are the things that bring me to peace.

Stress plays such a hardship on this lifestyle and i’m discovering this more and more. The need to be needed and wanted…. It’s an unbelievable amount of give and take between both parties. I know I personally miss the service I would give Master. Not just a sexual one, but the wait on his beck and call. To me, that was a need I could fulfill for the both of us. However, with life, it doesn’t always see fit to do these things. The real trick is finding that middle ground. Lately between my work getting a little more stressful and Master going back to his old ways of running away from his life to work…. Well…. It’s a little tiring. I am, however, getting better at not over thinking or thinking TOO much into something. Nights like this it’s an early bedtime for Kitten.

Game. Set. Match.

In D/s we (and by “we” I mean submissive) generally want that feeling of stability. Peace. We want to know that the Dominant has got it under control. And by “it” I mean the relationship, the dynamic, the protocols, the play scenes, etc. That they have themselves figured out as well as us as their submissive and that everything will be hunky-dory right?

disputes-des-parentsWe do our best. Our dominants/dommes/tops/daddys/Sirs/Masters do their best. But even then it seems it’s just not enough and when that happens the other party feels sometimes hurt and other times anger. Especially when the other falls just short of what is needed. For me, especially I have that primal side in me. And sometimes it’s as if it’s a blessing and a curse. To all those that I dated in the past when we’d argue or fight I assumed the Alpha spot. I challenged them by yelling and arguing, and if I was REALLY pissed off, you’d bet i’d square up to them and be ready to fight for the top spot. I have been the one who’d punch her significant other right in the chest. It’s happened a time or two. Piss me off just enough. Not something I’m proud of but not something I’m ashamed of either. To me it was just proof that many were weaker than me, that I’m not the kind to ever have anyone who’s able to handle me nor be able to last with me. As I’ve said before, I break men. With Master, he’s the first to really deal with that. He’s squared up right back, and without ever laying a hand on me, allows me to challenge him but never succeed. So I may yell, I may scream and cuss him eight ways from Sunday; But he will not budge and remain Alpha. It took me all day to really see that. I was furious earlier today, to the point where I took it out on my fists and a hard object. I’m proud of myself of not making that hard object him. Many think,”Wow, she’s insane.” but to me, I see the progress. Because of the things I endured a couple of years ago I have felt nothing but anger. Perhaps because no one should ever go through the things I did, but regardless I felt there was no help for me. Maybe this is a sign i’m getting better? Master…. He really did stand his ground despite how much I squared off and showed my teeth at him, yet not once did he ever show his throat. If you’re unsure of those terms, google them, if not it’s a simple way of saying he didn’t ever turn into my prey.

Perhaps the Alpha Dominant is back……

My original point is, that when the other falls short of what is needed, I ask to dominants not to tuck tail and feel like failures or become of unsure of yourselves. Stand your ground. She’s going to be angry and hurt and upset. Why? Because you are supposed to be the rock and her rock is broken and the fear of the rug being pulled out from under her is VERY real. Not to say it’s not what you also feel at times, but let’s face it, women aren’t the best at the emotions or expressing things in ways the male species can understand.

So when she snarls and you, Look into her eyes and find her beyond the anger. She’s waiting for you to reassure and remind her that you have this under control. She’s safe. She’s still protected. She’s still loved. And she’s still yours…………

My dynamic is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

I made a promise to myself to get through this year without carrying baggage.

For the most part it has gone very well. Until the last few days. What the hell happened I don’t know.

My dynamic is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. 

Master is lost and I am just going through the motions as best as I can from day to day. No longer is there any structure. No protocols. No rules. No requirements. I don’t like it. I’ve needed that in my life for as long as I can remember. Not for myself, i’m perfectly capable of being self disciplined enoug to do things on my own but that’s just it. I don’t want to be that way because I know that if I think that way I will go back to being on my own…..  Master no longer asks me to do things for him anymore and oh how it hurts. I don’t think he remembers how serving him, even the little things, means I’m able to show my love and care for him. Granted with work our schedules conflict so much i’m only able to do it a few times a week but even that little bit means so much to me and that’s not there anymore. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m trying my best to make sure that if one day was not a very good day, not to carry that into the next day. To leave it behind and not dwell on it like he has done. There’s no more enforcement. No more requirements. No more tasks. No more scenes. No more Master/Kitten like relationship. Sometimes even though it’s there I don’t feel like i’m wearing a collar and that causes me such grief for thinking that way but that’s how I feel.

My dynamic is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.

Don’t get me wrong I still am very much in love with my Master as he says he is with me. but there is no more “fetish” to us. It’s more just like a plain jane relationship has evolved overnight. Maybe that’s what he truly wants instead? if so that’s fine I can give him that but I just need to know so I no longer expect. I’ve also began to go there again…. I am no longer expecting anymore. it’s just easier that way; No expectations, no disappointements.  I don’t know if i’m emerging as the stronger one now, or what it is but the “wolf” in him is not there right now and I feel it’s my fault. In my mother’s words (i’ve said it before) I break men. I don’t mean to. Perhaps it’s because Master isn’t used to dealing with someone who is like him before career wise. This last week at work has been increasing with violence (just as it has nationwide with violence towards police across the country) and the stress is everymore increasing I come home hoping to destress and basically drop my shield and turn into a puddle beneath him. Almost as if I need aftercare from work. I’m sure he’s had those days on duty and needed that in return after a hard call or two, guess that’s why i’m surprised he just doesn’t get it. Maybe I am too much to handle. Maybe I am just too much in general. I stress easily, this is no surprise but it seems with the new year things that should be known were somehow hit with a mental reset button at the stroke of midnight.

Master said in his journal (lyallbete.wordpress.com) that he was stressed with an upcoming event, but I don’t know if he realizes i’m in this with him and the burden doesn’t need to be solely on him. That whatever comes or happens he’s not alone and we’ll manage to get through it together. He’s not fighting alone anymore. But he does what I used to do, and that is shut everything out in order to try and fix it alone. I guess i’m just tired of trying to open the door when he slams it on me… so i’ll wait until he opens it when he feels necessary. That’s what pets do after awhile they just wait until they’re wanted or let in. I’m not leaving unless he wants me gone, that is for certain but I just don’t know where i’m going either.

My dynamic is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. 

Let it snow :)

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner? Everything my Master is 🙂

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks? For the most part pretty open. I’ve learned it’s nothing to be ashamed of however I don’t go wearing a big banner saying “i’m a kinky fucker!!” My family isn’t aware of it.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on the online BDSM play? To each their own. Not my cup of tea I need physical contact. You can write about a flogging all you want, but it’s not until you feel the falls upon your skin do you really get into the full experience

A nice Christmas here at home. Both Master and I had to work, but we got to spend a little time together before and after with each other and family. Little things are what i’m grateful for the most. The best part wasn’t the gifts but knowing we have each other…. That’s the best gift I’ve ever had. It’s snowing today and i’m excited and not so excited. We both are working, but that’s life after all. Our dynamic hasn’t slowed, but is a little quieter and uneventful as life is taking its course. No rush though, we cannot fight the way things happen, we just have to go with the flow. I am missing my family, but grateful for the family I have here with me. Not sure what the next step is in our dynamic. There is a lull, but not an unhappy one…. I know we both are still craving that structure as it’s currently going through change, however until we can get our routine’s down pat it’s hard to establish protocols. Perhaps we need to overlook them and adjust as necessary, especially with the new year just around the corner. I’m so ready for it. I’m ready to start a new year with new hopes and dreams. I want to give my Master all that he deserves and then some!! Each day is a step closer to the submissive I want to be. I am missing my community and kink, but I have to remember it all resides within us.

meh.. is it 2015 yet?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they? Subs who hit on my Master. Dominants who can’t appreciate the ones they own.

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they? Improved my self confidence. The fact also I don’t fear pain as much anymore or the fact I don’t care what others think of me as much anymore…..

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand. Poly. I know I couldn’t do it, but I have always wondered how others can do it….

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction) Michael Makai.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship? The upkeep of it. Constant need for growth. It’s like a living plant… If you fail to continue to nurture it, it’s going to die. As far as different from vanilla I can’t say it’s TOO much different, however the need to pay attention to it is more.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so? I’m a lot more open minded. A lot less judgmental.

Two days from Christmas and i’m so ready for the year to be over with. This year- up until about  months ago- has royally sucked, but with all hardships there’s lessons to be learned. I have learned several that’s for certain. Things are a little rocky at home, but I’m trying not to dwell on it too much because it’s still early and things are still getting back into normalcy….. Whatever that is lol. I just hope it’s soon….. I’m tired of feeling lost again just when things began making sense. However, I feel I’m doing better about not dwelling on things. Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something.

Regardless, I’m over making anymore decisions this year. But if i don’t make them no one else will……..


Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally? – The misogamy I guess you could say. That because of how I enjoy bruises, pain, looking at others who stroll around naked around Master at a munch I must be a swinger, I share or that I don’t respect myself or our relationship. That sex is on my mind 24/7. That I am a whore by nature or that I cheat or believe in cheating. That I must’ve been abused, neglected, grew up in a non-loving home. That i’m easy or weak. Crap like that infuriates me because it’s no where near the truth. I used to feel the need to defend myself, but eventually I could give a shit what anyone thinks. I have never been more secure in my own skin or my own self in all my life until I found myself recently when I became aware of my kink. All that matters is my own happiness and the happiness of my Master. Everyone else can go pound sand.

I made a promise to myself years ago when I was going through my divorce to never ever let things grow inside me. Sometimes I slip, most times i’m successful either way I don’t stop trying. I use the resources around me. Many have the belief you shouldn’t ever “air your dirty laundry” but that’s not what I am doing. I have this blog and yes other social media sites. I use this blog as a tool or resource to get out any thoughts, feelings, opinions out of my system. If you stuff feelings or thoughts in yourself, you’re eventually going to suffocate and drown in those. It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to have this long diatribe of explanations and stories, it just has to get out of your head, off your chest and on paper. Some still do the old-fashioned paper and pen journal and that’s great! Some use their social media sites, some are like me and the blog. Whatever you do, use your resources. Sometimes when you write things down you can answer your own questions or once it’s all written out things make better sense. Everyone always wants to self improve their lives and themselves, but how are you to do that if you’re not willing to use your resources around you? That’s like telling a drug addict to quit without any help. It doesn’t always work that way. I have told close family and friends that they need to help themselves before anyone can help them and it’s something I believe in very much. So keep that in mind when you feel yourself in a funk you can’t seem to get out of; use your resources around you before you think you’re stuck in that rut. But again, you need to use your resources. You can’t save the damsel if they love the distress…..