Love & other impossible pursuits….

I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written in ages. For many reasons, but mostly because i’ve been grieving.

I lost my child. Our baby died.

There I said it.

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My pregnancy had been bumpy since day 1, but knowing how Master and I are, we knew our little mini would be just as big of a pain in the ass as we were. I’ll never forget it. It was a Saturday, Master had gotten home from work not but an hour earlier, when I woke up with a strong pain in my stomach. It wasn’t a cramp like before, this was different. I knew pregnant women had dealt with gas and other digestion issues (TMI, I know…) so I just summed it up to that. He went to get me tylenol and other OTC meds, which I took and felt better after sleeping most of the afternoon. I woke up that evening just fine, no pain and no issues. Around 9-10pm I slowly began to feel those pains again, which began to increase in severity as the night went on. Master and I had a poly couple we know through the community pass through town and stay at our house for the night. I tried to be a good host, however, with the increasing pain I had issues just getting around. I couldn’t even sit. Around midnight, I told Master that I thought something could be seriously wrong. He urged me to go to the ER, however, I could barely move, unable to sit down, let alone drive myself anywhere. I wasn’t about to ask our houseguests who had been driving all day to take me, so Master did. I felt bad I didn’t want to bug or bother, in fact, I protested at one point; But I went anyway. The original plan was he was going to take me, then head back to work until things slowed down a bit. However, that didn’t happen. I was admitted, and moved quickly along the evals. The pain got worse, the seconds dragged on. I remember being curled up in the fetal position, hooked up to an IV drip of pain meds, and they just weren’t working. I felt cold, I felt scared. He held my hand, but my hands were cold. The night was a lot of tests, imaging, this medicine, that doctor, it was all a blur. I barely remember Master’s Sgt coming to be with him. I barely remember the doctor telling me I was dying, as I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding severely internally. I barely remember signing the form for emergency surgery. I closed my eyes, and woke up to nurses trying to get me to stay awake. My best friend, love and master pleading me to also stay awake, but I was just so tired. I closed my eyes with it being dark outside, and woke up with the sunlight shining in my room. There was friends and family there all with a look of concern. I was groggy, and disoriented, but I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew, my baby was gone. I never said it out loud, no one did, but I knew. The following week was a blur of visitations. Balloons and flowers. Condolences. Restless days and nights for Master and I, my mother as well who drove to my side. Awkward silences. Wrong medications. Physical pains and other wounds unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Complication after complication after surgery, I spent a week bedridden. Finally getting home, and i lived on the couch for days, unable to even lay flat on my own bed. Little victories since, I have been able to partly move around and it’s a slow progress, physically anyway.

However, the emotional and mental wounds…. I can’t even begin to explain this…. Pain. This wound.

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I am sad. If I don’t think about it, i’m okay, but the second, the very second i do, I can’t stop crying. I don’t need a trigger, I don’t need to be around babies or baby things. Granted, being around them hurts, so deep, like a knife being twisted over and over and over until I can remove myself from that. I feel awful and selfish for being sad. So many have said how they got over it, and I will etc… But, I don’t want to hear it right now. My mother is glad I lived. Apparently I was that close to dying. Master is glad that I lived. I am too, but why didn’t my baby? Why? I’ve since blamed myself, I shouldn’t, but I do. My mistakes have happened, and I’ve been punished. That’s what I deserve. I ruined a marriage. I ruined a life i’m sure. I did something to deserve this.

Then I look at Master. He’s hurting so badly. And it’s my fault. Before me he lived a stress free life, and now look at what he must deal with. I failed at so much, I couldn’t be the woman he needs. I couldn’t be healthy enough to carry our baby. My tubes kept our angel instead of letting it pass through. Our angel was growing beautiful and strong, but I wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t give him what he deserves, I couldn’t do what he needs and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left. Honestly. Not in the least bit. He says he won’t but I expect it. And even that alone, is awful, why am I thinking so horribly of him? Or is it by myself?

I have a few more weeks at home before I have to return to work, regardless, I have zero desire or motivation. There are days like today where I want to stay in the dark, cold silence of my bedroom and either sleep or cry. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want visitors. I barely bother with Facebook or anything. I find myself clinging to Master, he’s my rock right now and at the same time I don’t want to burden him. I already struggle with looking him in the eyes, how could I have failed him so?

The doctors saved my other tube and ovary, so there’s still a chance to try again, but what if I fail again? I felt hollow before, but now…. Now I really do feel so empty inside. I feel robbed. We had hopes. We had dreams. We had a future planned. Now what? We try again. I want to try again, but he doesn’t seem so at times. And so I don’t blame him, I wait for him to leave. To find another who can give him what I couldn’t. It’s what I deserve. I’m not a physical attraction anymore to him. I am not a desire. I am a listless thing who drifts from couch to bed, with moments of clarity between the tears. I am in love with him, but fear and wait for him to leave. I am depressed and sad and I don’t understand why all of this happened. I know his malicious ex is leaping for joy and the instinct to protect my young is still there. I want to rip her life from her throat. But I am the only one who feels that way. So I keep it inside, if only I could do the same with my sadness. So many others handle it better, and are just so much better than I. I failed again, it seems. There are mothers who lost their babies to SIDS or stillborn, and i’m grieving over an ectopic. I’m an asshole for that. My hair is listless, my face is a mess, my body is disgusting, and I’m unable to even find it in myself to be grateful. The hell is wrong with me. I know they say it’s going to take time, but how much time? I don’t want to be sad forever, but right now I can’t see past tomorrow through my tear stained eyes and nose.

There’s a movie I’ve been watching over and over when i’m alone. Cliche’ but fitting. “The Other Woman” (2009) based on the book “love & other impossible pursuits” by Ayelet Waldman.

Read it/ Watch it.

That’s me in a box right now.

I just want to feel like I did before everything, weeks ago. I loved my baby, even if I never got to hold him/her in my arms. I want to feel loved and loving in return. I want to heal. Why can’t I stop crying? Why now?

And what about Master? He’s in so much pain I can see it in his eyes, yet what about him? He needs to grieve, he needs help too, but he can do better at it than I can…. Yet i feel I still need to be the shoulder he needs. I love him, and want to spend forever with him, but i go back to the mental belief that this is what I deserve, and he deserves better. I don’t want to push him away, I only want to bring him closer to me.

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I know it’ll get easier, things will get better, we will try and try again.

Until then, i’m grieving. I’m crying.

I miss my baby. I’m sorry my baby. I’m so very, very sorry.

Enter the Second Trimester of Kink………….

“Wow! You really have embraced your spots!”

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That’s a phrase that has summed up my wonderful weekend with my community at Spring Pan. My journey continues to be a roller coaster moments, including the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. However, I have taken a moment to finally jot down the things I have felt or observed while at Pan….

Master and I were ‘newbies’ at leather fiesta last year, and it was very apparent as the flux of ‘new blood’ was also apparent this year. I could tell because of the expressions on their faces in the dungeon. Not all who enter could really grasp what it is that they’re getting themselves into. I know because some who came on Friday night didn’t return the following evening… And that’s okay. I think many need to experience first hand to really see if this is something they want or don’t want to get into.

And that is when it really hit me, how far I’ve come in my journey. Master and I do admit at the last major event we did have a bit of a frenzy and wanted to do all the things, this time we took our time and did what was within our abilities and mindset. Unfortunately, I was battling a strong case of what I thought was allergies (spawned into bronchitis..) but I pushed forward as best as I could. We didn’t attend as many classes as last time, and the ones we did attend were full! Being claustrophobic, Master understood when I asked to duck out half way through…..  We mingled more. Spent more time with our friends whom we dearly missed! Master splurged on such AMAZING goodies to include a dragon’s tail, a set of galley whips, a new flogger among other things. But this trip wasn’t just for our pleasure, no no no….

We had the blessings of paying it forward in many ways; One couple we’ve adored over time is dear to our hearts. Two kitties who’ve flocked to each other and we watch our owners, trade punishment ideas lol we were able to hang out with them and purchase them beautiful leather cuffs as a gift from us. Also Another beautiful soul in our community is becoming ill from an unknown disease and it literally broke my heart to see her in such agony. I literally cried, but her determination to not let anything hinder her, even when she played with her boi, just filled my heart with just joy. That eagerness to fulfill each other’s needs is part of why I am so dearly in love with this lifestyle. Master and I gave her a monetary donation towards funding her answers. These things we did was not because we wanted to flaunt ourselves, but because we are fortunate to be in a position to do so and I am a firm believer in paying it forward…. Why not send forth good fortune in this world?!

Now back to the dungeon, while thisyear it was more spacious, the crowd itself was much more in numbers. The mood was better Saturday night versus Friday, however again, I felt much more than before. I was used to being the few who used to be lead on leashes awhile back, now this time I saw it everywhere. I am on a leash in a large event not for a fashion or “how all subs should be” but because I have an anxiety disorder and large crowds make me lock up or tense. I don’t have my service dog with me at kink events (he would lose his shit if his momma was getting whipped) so Master has me on a leash as a sense of security and safety and to calm my demons should any females want to play Alpha tug of war with me. That’s another thing. I saw a wave of sub/dom frenzy. HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN did I ever! It was VERY apparent the FSOG frenzy was alive and well at this event as many of the Doms/Subs/whatever they were flocked and dived in feet first at the deep end of the kink pool. However, they must’ve not been told about common courtesy or common sense. Master told me this later on (thank heavens) but I guess while I was having a kitten moment with another kitten at the human size-pet area (three words: GIANT scratching post) I guess some sub felt it was okay to flirt with my Master….

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No. Nope. Negative Ghostrider…. That does not fly. In our world we show each other respect and those who are in dynamics/relationships even more respect! Being that of a primal I would’ve shown my Alpha side and taken her as a challenge and what do alpha’s do when challenged??? Yes. Could’ve gotten ugly or at least some of my fangs would’ve appeared. Regardless, I saw that many times over. Granted, it’s a common mistake any newbie makes, but this weekend I was on the other side of it and wow now I see why it’s so important to show common courtesy. Another thing I saw a lot of was disobedient subs. Holy hell. I have my tendencies, but some were just flat out disobedient! I could not believe how they could just behave in such a way, it was horrendous and made me just gawk in exasperation while I watched silently as I knelt next to my Master as I am supposed to do.

It was a fun event regardless, and I feel my Master and I are really coming into our own now. I am ready for us to take on that next step. We’ve both agreed that lately we aren’t happy with where are dynamic was plateaued at however we weren’t sure what our next step should be…. I think being surrounded by such amazing kinksters of our community help remind us and give us a shove in the direction we’d like to be. I know personally i’d like to get back on tasks and schedules once my stupid bronchitis clears. Dealing with her is no longer an issue, despite the demons the wench has left me with. It’s a slow process that which i’m overcoming little by little. I am looking forward to getting back to journaling regularly, working out regularly, having scenes as often as possible and just little subtle signs of dominance from my Master that keeps me in my place and in line.

A new phase and a new beginning is how I’m looking towards the start of this Summer…..

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Ignoring is not always the smartest Idea…..

So a topic/writing/whatever caught my eye recently on Fetlife and outside of work, it really weighed heavily as it was a hell of a debate to observe. Granted, this is written from my point of view, but, it’s something i’ve seen more and more often. It’s a long writing, but the title alone is as follows….

“Ignoring is a legitimate and often a useful tool of behavior modification that I advocate.”

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Wat.

Here’s the thing; Said author believes that this works, especially for those bratty subs who don’t take punishments seriously, or perhaps a dom who isn’t Dom-ly enough to really put their foot down. While I understand the underlying message that’s trying to be channeled across is the idea of,”I’m very hurt with you by your behavior or your actions.” I don’t believe that willful or deliberate ignoring one or another is exactly a smart move.

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Take for example capital punishment. While many crimes deserve it, it was Ghandi who once said,”An eye for an eye will make the world blind” the same basis goes for that of the punishment and ignoring idea. If my Master was to ignore me, eventually i’m going to be so hurt and angry i’m going to ignore right back…. And the vicious circle will commence until one of us breaks. And not only will ignoring your sub hurt them emotionally, the mental anguish can reach an insane amount of uncertainty. It can rattle their core being, question your loyalty, your integrity and above all, question their faith in you and your dynamic. Unless you are openly poly, how is ignoring your sub going to solidify that you are always going to keep your promise of never intentionally causing them harm? To make any submissive question if their Dom still wants them is to intentionally inflict harm into their heart and souls.

Many say that ignoring is a form of sub-abandonment and that’s just downright abuse. You don’t ever abandon those who count on you. You may hear other terms like neglect as well and it just keeps going from there. Again, it’s all a part of the responsibilities in a basic D/s lifestyle.

Now, if you DID want to instill some type of stern behavior modification, without the ignoring part, then I always suggest doing your research. Master and I have discussed some possible punishments should I ever need them. Time-outs are one as I absolutely HATE silence, and to be away from my master. It’s not ignoring but to me it’s the closest to it without the whole, yknow, abandonment part. I’ve seen alternate versions like corner time, some use things from old guard days. A dominant friend of mine requires his submissives to write essays on what they did wrong. I’ve seen some require humiliation punishments and other varying forms of punishments based on the severity of the offense. The worst i’ve ever seen is the removal of one’s collar, and the submissive had to earn it back.

But again, no use or need of the ignoring method.

Perhaps because of how sensitive many women are, considering how hard it is for anyone to let down their guarded walls. It’s a terrifying thing and then to be ignored is just salt to the wounds. Just like any relationship, if the Sub feels her Dom cannot make her smile, that he isn’t helping her grow in a positive way, if she’s just not smiling anymore, if she doesn’t feel the need to kneel and serve his every need or just fulfill her role happily…. well then adios dude.

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So, with all that being said, I know that I’d love to hear from other Submissives and Dominants on their thoughts regarding this topic! Comment and share!

And then the Alpha Female took lead….

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Yesterday, Master had a task list set for me yesterday that was filled with both everyday duties and a surprise of mani/pedi.

Say what!? Yep. He wanted kitten to be spoiled.

[insert glee and giddiness]

Afterwards we went lingerie shopping and he picked out some pretty lace items for kitten to wear. We came home where I gave him a full body message (with a happy ending of course) as my way to say “Thank you.”

Although it was relaxing to me to feel the soreness of life being worked out of my hands and feetsies, My mind continues to grow tired.

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She’s at it again. Yesterday I was followed home by her mother. (What are we 12!?) I brought it up to Master, but again it seems he feels powerless and stated he will not be doing anything about it.

I had hoped he would understand and see it from where I was coming from, that he swore to protect me against anything, but not her? Perhaps he’s used to that. That habit  with her, a fear, of not standing up to them. I understand he doesn’t want anything to do with her, so in return, he feels if he ignores her then he’s under the impression that will get to Her more than anything else. And granted with many things that is true. Trust me, i’d love to be able to just ignore this, and I have for months but it continues. I am not one to just ignore things and hope they go away…. I will MAKE them go away. It broke my heart to hear him say,”I can’t” and “I won’t.” I know in my case i’d do the Something about it if the roles were reversed. However, they’re not. I am used to protecting myself alone against harm, it’s what I’ve known my whole life. I’m going to not hold this against him though. I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do on their own, that is not who I am. I know in my heart he’d still protect me in other areas and places when he can. I grew up never needing a hero or to be saved…. It was very clear that women like me couldn’t be saved. We weren’t damsels in distress, we created our own distress. We became our own heroes. We dreamt of having a warrior to stand beside us in the battle of life. But then I stopped allowing myself to dream, because it was more painful to long for things and never get them than to deal with whatever was in front of me. I’m too old to hear nonsense anymore. Too old to believe that everything will be alright…. I just need action over words and to stop expecting for things to happen to me because i’d do it for others. I just need to let life continue with its course, both the good and the bad.

The mutt knows somethings wrong. All day i’ve been on the brink of crying and anger. I’ve sat in silence. Haven’t said but maybe two words. I let the music of peace fill the house loudly. The day’s weather reflects my moods switching between bright snowfall and dark rain fall. Yet, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t sleep. He watches me with concerned eyes. He’s not next to me like usual, no. He’s across the house near the front windows. Protection. He has it.

My friends i’ve vented to all say I need to have patience and understanding and I do. They all ask why nothing can be done, and I reply I don’t know. I started to wonder if perhaps he still loves and cares for her…. They ask if i’ll be alright and of course I will be. I don’t know what else to be. They ask if Master and I will be alright and I reply…. Of course we will be. Despite moments like this, He’s MY owner. I wouldn’t have it any other way….

I know i’ve been wanting another firearm to add to my everyday carry goodies, but I’m thinking right now, i’m going to add more ink. My fetlife name is “kittenwithink after all and the pain of the needle is what i’m needing. That pain to lift from my soul and tired heart. That pain to be released. I want to have some kind of reminder that while the wounds heal, they don’t disappear forever I carry them everywhere, always, and that is the way of things, the way of scars.
That is what this tattoo will be, for me: a scar.

Well played Hollywood……

As usual, I’m behind on things of this world. Don’t laugh but I’ve never seen the movie Mr & Mrs. Smith. You’ve heard of it right?IMG_3137

Right. Well The Master and I picked up some movies over our days off. We’re the type who like to stay at home and veg out on the couch together. I know what you’re thinking,”OMG you mean you people aren’t doing kinky sexual things all the time!?” (insert sarcasm)

Anyways, the entire time we watched this Master had this nostalgic smile. I couldn’t believe how much we related to the characters. I know so many say or hear that when they watch a movie, but I’m so serious here. Examples:
wpid-wp-1408611079692Their first encounter was on a whim and involved a lot of alcohol. They had fun just talking, dancing and listening to music. Did I mention the ton of alcohol? There was no false-ness or facade in the way things just……clicked. Chemistry? Maybe. Timing? Always sucks. c’est la vie. That was us on our first real “alone” time. Seems so long ago, but it was truly a life changing experience. We spent hours out on that porch drinking and listening to music and just enjoying each others company. Felt like we had known each other all of ours lives, and there were no expectations or walls…. Just us….. And the bottle of whiskey.

IMG_3134 They challenge each other. Granted in ways not many often do (Not everyone is determined to kill their spouse….) But that’s something we do. We aren’t afraid to push each other, struggle and argue with each other. We know what each other is capable of and strive to make each other do the best we can. Also, did I mention how competitive and stubborn we are? Err, I mean, they are….

 

IMG_3135When they are so pissed and angry, they hurt each other (Literally). They take out all the hatred for the pain caused by the lies and deceit they’ve discovered in each other. Master and I have had this moment. It was sometime ago, but the wounds are still healing. We hurt each other. We hurt each other so very badly. We shattered each other’s hearts and souls. Yet, despite it all, we looked at each other’s tear soaked faces and chose to mend those wounds. It’s something we’ve continued to do everyday. We continue chose each other and have made it known we’re not going to quit trying for each other. Even when we’re so goddamn pissed at each other. Besides, everyone knows make up sex is amazing.

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Besides the movie, things have been meh here. Still not much D/s wise. I have to admit i’m afraid to even think of such things during this week. Fifty shades of bullshit Grey movie premiers this weekend and I’m really debating on avoiding social media for a while just to stay away from the sub/dom frenzy that will explode faster than a high school freshman boy’s wet dream. My career has hit a lull with my recent injury. As a strong submissive woman, I know many can vouch over the fact that a career can mean so much to a person. I’m not a pearl wearing, office-type of person. I like to be out in the field, doing what I know I was made to do. However, I’ve been stuck with a bum knee. I don’t like it. It’s affecting my self-esteem as well among other things because I not only cannot scene (even if Master wanted to) but I can’t work out, I can’t do yoga, limited movement…. blah. Now, granted it’ll heal and it’ll get better, however, I’m impatient. Luckily Master and I were able to hit the range yesterday and it was extremely comforting and a turn on to see the Alpha in him appear. I love it when he is my Master 🙂

 

 

Page 1 of 365

Today’s the very first day of the new year.

For many this is a chance to start with a clean slate. Renew. Refresh.

As I sit here with coffee, watching the dark clouds roll in while the flurries slowly fall, the copy Master bought me of Michael Makai’s “Warrior Submissive” lures me to open the new cover and dive into its’ words.

Last year of 2014 was full of ups and downs…. CONSTANT ups and downs. For myself, my Master and our dynamic combined. Our lives, our families and our very selves made choices and decisions that completely tested everything we are and wanted to be. So much had occurred it’s unfathomable sometimes how either of us made it out but we did. I’m so grateful for that. Lessons learned on a greater scale than I ever thought was possible at my age and yet some I wish I didn’t have to learn but life always finds its own way.

My heart aches for progress and success in both myself and my Master but together and unified. We both have strived for that something that we were missing in our lives and were able to find in each other. I can only hope that continues.

There’s so many things I yearn for in the days to come. I would love it if Master and I could have a renewal – collaring ceremony. A renewal of us and our promise to each other. I would love to see him continue to grow and become stronger and more confident in himself both career and personally. I want to also do the same within myself. I can’t wait till we are both back to physical fitness improvements. I want our families to find more peace in their daily lives, and find more reasons to smile. I want to know that this is the year that improvement will come, even when hope feels frail. We just need to believe. I want to achieve some more of our dreams and goals. I want to continue to push ourselves, find more about ourselves and free ourselves from the past. I want to go into this year without carrying the ugliness and baggage of the last year, despite all the hardships. Granted, there will be moments that will try us, that is how life just is and i’m certain we can make it through, even if we doubt it for a split second. However, I know that if we let everything go already we can stop the vicious circle and stop the fear of history repeating itself. We have that power so long as we fully strive for it with everything we have.

So.

Today’s page 1.

And I believe……

Someday.

Someday I imagine myself physically confident that matches the confidence I have in myself inside.
Someday I imagine myself inked up to make me unique and memorable.
Someday I imagine myself educated to make my parents proud of me.
Someday I imagine myself in the career I always wanted to fulfill my dreams.
Someday I imagine myself breeding with my Owner so that we may carry on our families traditions.
Someday I imagine myself to push my limits and boundaries more and more.
Someday I imagine myself to be collared forever, locked and permanently owned.
Someday I imagine myself to be surrounded not by lavish things but beautiful things that make my home a home.
Someday I imagine myself to finally have that stability i’ve sought all my life.
Someday I imagine myself to be the submissive and pet that my owner has always dreamed of.
Someday I imagine myself in a well respected role among both my nilla community and kinkster community. I don’t want to be famous just someone they can trust and confide in.
Someday I imagine myself absolutely happy without fear that the other shoe is going to drop the moment I admit that I am happy.