Taming the Lioness.

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There’s nothing more Dominant, than a Dominant who cares for his submissive. To those who have been following along, I am not improving as I had hoped. Granted, it’s only been a little over a week, but I am impatient and so is Master. The recent vomiting and other wonderful immune system dysfunctions have caused him continuous concern. I am not used to not pull my own weight when it comes to household finances. In fact, in my previous relationships and my Marriage I was pretty much the ONLY one really putting forth in the finance department. It’s something i’ve gotten very used to and i’m okay with. I’m fortunate to have a true partner with my Master. We always put forth as a team, partnership, 100%/100%. Pack mentality takes over and we both put forth an effort to keep our pack healthy and doing well. I am ill, I get that and it was today I was due to return to work, however Master pulled Alpha and said no. I am not where he wants me to be health wise and I am in no position to argue, even though I tried. Don’t get me wrong, I am stressing regarding finances, but for the first time in my life I am not that worried. It’s weird for me to say that, as if you’ve seen my writings a year ago, I was a walking lunatic overwhelmed with stress. Master is right and I am listening. I am being obedient and listening to my Owner who knows me better than anyone. I am not well, and in my line of work, if you are not on your game, people can get hurt. That is something i’m not willing to have on my conscience. So i’m home a little while longer and i’ll return to the doctor as soon as Monday.

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I won’t lie. It’s VERY hard for a submissive to fight all that she’s trained herself to do and who she is to allow another person to say,”Guess what, you’re going to do it my way and that’s that.” The lioness warrior in me and the Kitten in me are at odds with each other. They both agree they need to listen to their Alpha, however, I know I need to get back on my feet and the other says,”You’re ill. Fucking stop and take care of yourself.” I know it’s a silly conundrum but it happens. But because I just allowed my owner do what owners are supposed to do, it made things easier. Another “ah-ha” moment in D/s if you will, a Dominant is meant to take care of their submissives, and if they don’t, then why the hell would anyone want a person to be in charge of them? That’s like paying to see a doctor only to not receive an ounce of treatment? Sure, Master could have allowed me to go to work. Sure, he could have said we’d deal with things later. But, would that have been wise? I have to trust him and his words and for me to shut my stubborn side up, to me that is a big feat of my own. I am proud of that fact. And I am even more proud of him for taking my health and care as a priority (not like he doesn’t do that already – but i’m still proud regardless…). As his submissive, I encourage all other subs both of the newbies and the experienced, I encourage you all to always make sure you praise your Sir. Praise him for taking the moments to flog you when you need it, to love you when you don’t always need it. To make sure you are healthy, sane, safe, cared for and protected. To praise the Alpha who makes sure you are aware that you are still a strong and intelligent lioness perfectly capable of hunting her prey and fighting off the dangers that could threaten your pack, but that you allow him to take the role at the head of your Pack and that he will cherish that position you’ve allowed him in your life because he knows that was not an easy decision to make. We all carry our wounds with us as reminders of the struggles we’ve faced in our pasts. These scars are reminders of what we defeated and how the phoenix rose from the ashes of hell. We are that phoenix. Listening to your Sir does not make you any less of one. Remember that. I had to.

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Bad kitty.

Dear Passion…..

Dear Desire…

Dear God,my Vagina is sore.

embrace-lighter

So where it stands, the dynamic, is there but not there. Make sense? We have not redone our protocols and therefore there is no structure anymore. No tasks, No scenes not a damn thing. Which sucks, but the ownership is still there. The feeling of being owned and mutually owning is there and strong. The primal side in me is starting to overpower the submissive which can be a little uncertain at times, at least on my side. So much do I desire that structure of our dynamic we once had. So much do I yearn to feel the leather on my skin and the drift off on a cloud of subspace….. However….

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The lioness prowls. She is hungry for the fight. She wants to be challenged and challenge in return. She desires the taste of the wild. She wants to hunt. She doesn’t quiver or cringe.

This is a battle that I feel raging inside of me. Master’s kitten has claws and teeth and she no longer wishes to sheathe them anymore. Can I behave myself? Of course. Is it easy? Nope.

There is much for me to learn and I know it’ll come with time, but this new found freedom is a frenzy, I want to indulge in, yet I feel it is also waging a war with my Master. He is not used to playing with such fires. I don’t want to burn him in any way. I want to always keep the fires between us lit, however, even I am not sure what this fire is capable of. There are times I wake up after a night of primal illusion and I feel like a horrible human being, in which Master swears i’m not. I feel like I’ve done so much wrong because of just how much I know i’ve unleashed the night before. Perhaps it’s something I need to not allow myself to do for a while. Not until I figure out exactly what i’m enduring. I wish they had more references available instead of the basic repetitive stuff I’ve read online. It’s no longer a rage or hate filled anger I once felt on a daily basis for the last few years, that is for certain. When I allow my deepest, darkest animal instinct to take over I can feel everything a little more. I can hear and see and taste everything on a different level. Senses are heightened and so is the fiery passion I release. It’s something i’ve never felt before and it’s addicting. However, with almost all addictions they aren’t always the best thing to have.

So the lioness may need to be caged for a while…..

Releasing her from her cage.

From birth, I’ve been taught to be a strong, fierce, intelligent woman. I’ve always been self-determined, possessed a level of endurance that most people couldn’t fathom; Thus, when it came to my relationships, it was no different. I was the type-A personality, young career woman, no-disrespect-tolerating girlfriend that also loved sex and having a good time. I saw submission as a threat to my personal power and all of the descriptions listed above. Submissive women were weak, and I certainly was far from it. But then one day, I had an epiphany and realized I had been avoiding submission out of fear. Submission requires vulnerability and trust in the partner that you are yielding your authority to. I realized that the problem I was having with submission really had nothing to do with the concept, but rather the people and the men I was dealing with. It was not easy to submit to my lovers because frankly put, I feared what they would do if I gave them an authoritative position in my life. And let’s face it the men I had selected weren’t exactly leadership material and I don’t necessarily have the best track record. Regardless Master has so far (for the most part) been the only one who has been strong enough to take on such a burden, which I feel even that sometimes can be too much for one to bear. I am a walking and living contradictory-hypocritical-Frito-burrito of a mess. I am my own worst critic and enemy, however, I am my own motivator as well as my own coach. I have built myself up just to tear myself down. Why? I have no idea. I’m a pile of broken shards of glass that constantly cuts itself beyond recognition, yet if you place all the broken pieces together you get the beautiful mural of stained glass that you’d see in a church window somewhere. I lick the blood off of my wounds and smile, knowing a new scar is being added to the rest of my collection. My scars tell my story just as the ink on my skin for each one holds a special meaning to me no matter the circumstances in which they were created. There is many who may say that i’m damaged. i’m “fucked up”. Some may feel the need to use their diag-nonsense that they googled or discovered online to place a label on me with a mental health issue of some sort.

That’s fine. Let them. I don’t have the time nor a single fucks left in me to care.

As i’ve gotten older, i’ve become more secure with myself thanks to my submission, which has opened doors to my own soul in more ways that I could count. I tolerate less, and hold in less. I don’t lower my head as often nor do I ever show throat or cower beneath another. I have begun to let my primal side take over in a hunt or be hunted mentality. I made a promise to myself and I will keep reiterating that until it’s fulfilled. The past needs to remain in the past. Should an issue arise in the present, it does not matter where it originated from! A recent issue is a recent issue and anything before that must be let go of. I must deal with the here and now; All that which lies before me. Please don’t twist my words or thoughts, my intention is to always remember the lesson but not to dwell on the moment that keeps me fighting a losing uphill battle. Since I was a child, i’ve been fighting to survive, and i’ll be damned if i’m going to let the past continue to keep me caged. One of the greatest fears in the world, many don’t admit, is worrying about the opinions of others. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom. Buddha had actually called it the lion’s roar. When a person reaches an absolutely silent state he roars like a lion. For the first time they know what freedom is because now there is no fear of anybody’s opinion. What people say does not matter, whether they call you a saint or a sinner is immaterial. Once you’ve let that part free, it’s as if it was the gate on your cage has been unlocked, it’s now up to you to break loose and release the wild within you.

You were never born to be tamed. I was not born to roll over and allow my past, my struggles nor the words of another dictate how I was going to live my life. I wasn’t born to curl up and cry. I was born to fucking fight. I’ve endured pain and survived. I deal with my demons on a daily occasion and to allow anyone to tear me down is not what I was brought into this world for. I need to find myself again, that fighter I once was. The one who didn’t need to be saved. The one who could stand on her own and should another rise to the challenge then so be it but it was not what defined me. I recall the mentality of the past and yet I cannot seem to escape it no matter how hard I try.

I was looking so hard for another to fight for me when I had forgotten how to fight for myself. I need to remember how to do that in order to save myself and him. After all, how can I fight for another when I cannot even fight for myself? I need to remember to rely on myself and not let my anxiety take over as it’s doing once again. I need to be the phoenix I used to be. I need to remember how to know all the way deep down into my core that I am stronger than this. I know I am, I just need to remember how……
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