Fix it.

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My dynamic is severely broken, as in it almost no longer exits. My relationship with Master is still there, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together and very much in love, but our kink is missing.

In a BSDM D/s dynamic it’s heartbreaking. It’s a very big part of us as individuals, and I don’t know about Master, but without the kink I feel as if a big piece of me is missing. Stress is increasing ten fold in our everyday lives as new responsibilities Master has inherited and with me being out of work with this knee injury; we’re just overwhelmed. It’s understandable that the kink took a backseat, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I desire my protocols, my structure, my Sir. I miss feeling the joy of my collar as I did when he first placed it around my neck. Hell, I even miss the punishments. I miss our scenes, I miss that feeling of a primal challenge as well as the pain slut at the mercy of his flogger and cat.

I feel useless, and unworthy. Lost. Alone. Confused about my place. It’s an odd feeling, but I know this is something that happens to everyone at some point. In this conservative town, I’m cut off from that feeling of belonging to a community and group. I’ve began to pretty much “out” myself on social media, but that’s because I don’t care anymore. I love the fact that i’m submissive. I love the fact that I’ve found the strength to allow another to own me and the strength to submit. I love the feeling of leather and the leather lifestyle. I love the pride I have in being owned. I love the feeling of the marks my Master leaves me, it’s the most delicious soreness one could ever have.  Not everyone has to understand or like it, it’s not their life to live! It’s mine! I have no shame at all. Because of FSOG I understand why many want to remain anonymous in the BDSM world, but I do not. I will not let a bad apple ruin this. I will be proactive about it should anyone ask questions.

I need to find things to do in my life more related to the BDSM community, perhaps it’ll help me feel as if i’m contributing more to things that matter to me.

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Question for my followers…..

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As submissives, we’re greedy. Let’s not kid ourselves, we’re greedy about what’s ours. As for a poly relationship, I cannot speak for them as i’m not Poly, either way I know from my standpoint we’re gonna protect what’s ours and that’s that. However, I know that often times we ought to appreciate our Domly Dom fellas (And Lady Dommes too!) Many things can help them see how much we appreciate all the things they do for us! Baths, body massages, cooking dinner, gifts, love notes, screaming orgasms…. etc. I love spoiling my Master. Whether in gifts, blow jobs, hot baths, whatever will make him feel like the King, I will do it. It brings me such joy to do so!

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So here’s the question to those who actually read & follow my blog: What do you do or have done for your Sir/Mistresses to show your appreciation and affection for them???

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto….

The curve ball has been thrown in our direction!! Fly ball out of left field!!!

To start, I was injured on duty (again…. Don’t know if i’ve mentioned this yet..) and because of it, I’m on short term disability. Basically, i’m stuck at home in a knee brace. Joy! (Insert sarcasm)

Secondly, Master has been dealing with an insane amount of stress. He has recently become THE man of his family, and not by choice. Because of this situation, and the responsibilities that go with it, many of which are out of his control; And let’s face it, no Dominant likes things that aren’t in his control. As His, I’ve made it my top priority to do what needs to be done and take care of him. Making sure he eats, the little details to be taken care of, making sure I drive so he can focus on other tasks….. Just like any pack or pride, when the Alpha Male is unable to perform his duties, the Alpha female doesn’t necessarily take over, but stands by his side to assure that things go one as best as possible. It’s been hard as often times he will shut down and I am left to guess, but I refused to give up.. still refuse (read that as present tense…)

Third, My last living grandfather passed away. That is a surreal reality to digest. I have no more grandfathers left. I have only one living grandmother and apparently she’s ready to kick the dust any day now. Seriously, she told me “i’m gonna die soon.” ……….kay grandma? I think? It’s odd to realize it. We’re all getting older. Our parents, our friends, our family… we’re all just getting to that age and the numbers are growing. I don’t like it one bit. But you can’t decide when or where you will go or what will happen. The funeral was incredibly stressful, as because it was with family I do not associate with. They’re the side I refuse to acknowledge or speak with. Master and I were there, and probably the only ones gunned up (yea it was that hostile) and what really confused me, was despite my sadness I was filled with anger and rage. How dare they treat me this way. My mother this way, she lost her dad too. What the hell. Some didn’t even bother to show up, instead they chose to drink and get high. Pathetic. I wanted to cry but there were more important matters to attend to.

Fourth,

ab3924ffed39b7f129fa5eb57cddb38dI’ll leave that there….

Fifth,

Because of all the changes listed above and then some, Master has become increasingly protective of me. I can’t describe how much I love and enjoy it. Not only is it a sexual turn on, but a comfort as well. It’s bringing mental peace to my demons and assisting in allowing me to let some recent renewed walls come down. I love my Master and love it when he embraces the part of himself I know he has. That confidence he has in himself reassures his role in our dynamic and reminded me when I forget 🙂 It’s a beautiful thing and incredibly desirable. Oh hormones, behave yourself 😉10446709_649743728492905_7884295055554658110_n

Falling short

Words from my Master

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I lay here next to you, listening to your breathing as I watch you sleep. The room slowly brightens as the sun rises, chasing the shadows away. It has been a long night. One spent battling demons, both old and new. I was already set for a rough night, I just didn’t realize how rough it would be.

You think that I had a perfect life, that I had everything. Friends that I enjoyed spending time with, a happy home that I enjoyed returning to. You don’t believe me when I tell you that was all an act. A facade that I maintained because that was what was expected of me. The truth of the matter is that I was miserable. I was without true friends, I wasn’t and am still not a popular person. In short, I was living a lie.

Then, you came along. So wild and free…

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Lost in Lust.

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The rain has arrived. It’s lightning and thundering outside….

My entire being craves you. Everything about you. I desire your skin on mine, your lips roaming every inch of your claimed territory. My tongue licks my lips, that wants to be wrapped around your thickness, and drinking in every drop you give me. I am in need of you. I am needing you. All of you. Your body. Your heart. Your mind. I want to watch you watching me. I want to feel you pull me into you after we are done for the night as we drift off together in a lovers embrace every night.

226830_557340897632390_30634537_nI don’t know why it’s always this time of the month. Yes, that time of the month as well, but i’m a million times horny during the last two weeks of my cycle as well as the month. Everyday of the month I desire my Master. I desire his use and his needs. I need to be needed in many ways, but more importantly physical. So many times as submissives, we speak of being needed in ways other than physical, yet physical need and desires are right up there with oxygen and food. It’s a basic primal function. To me it falls under one of those Manslow categories, it’s a need and a want. When your partner doesn’t want you physically for whatever the reason; stress, life, no time, sickness, tiredness, etc. You no longer feel needed, and perhaps feel as if they’re getting their needs and wants elsewhere right? Then the doubts and demons creep their way back into your minds and all hell breaks loose. It’s a vicious circle that can really fuck with a person’s self confidence and the confidence they have in you and you in them. It can affect how a person sees themselves in the mirror, how they feel about their bodies, the way they feel in public. It can do so much good and so much damage all on how you desire each other….. Or lack there of.

Regardless, if you love your submissive (or Dom/Domme) make sure you show it. Not just in the hearts and flowers way, but in the lustful, thrusting, biting, kissing, sweaty, hot, ass slapping, throbbing, wet, hair pulling, nail scratching, screaming orgasm kind of way…..

Tantalizing Tuesday….

The need to breed is dwelling deep in my soul. The level of stress, however, seems to trump Master from that. It’s horrible how I feel when he doesn’t need or lust after me as much as I do for him. In his vanilla life and pitiful marriage, let’s face it, the man never got laid. I was in the same boat with my ex husband. I don’t know if it’s me, but my drive has always been high. I can’t ever have enough. I remember when Master couldn’t keep his hands off of me, even in public! But with the recent events that have fogged his mind with stress and outside distraction, I fail at keeping him satisfied.

Regardless, I am doing my best to not let the demons win at filling my head with nonsense, and remind myself that even if my thighs touch, and my tummy isn’t washboard status yet, I’m delicious and curvaceous and i’m going to seduce myself if I have to damn it. Life’s too short to not be horny all the time haha! Lust and love the life you live! So here’s a little Tuesday motivation to make you want to feel good and move even better 😉

Law abiding kink & an update

So of course the following is purely based on opinion. Has nothing to do with what I feel anyone should live or me playing a “know-it-all”.

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Kink & BDSM is a lifestyle. A sexual orientation. It should be built on mutual consent and understanding. That is a given, but it’s not always so. As both Master and I are a part of those who helps enforce laws, I just CRINGE with distain and agony when I see a kinkster breaking law both common sense or not. When we’ve tried to express our concerns regarding the legal side, we are often met with a backlash, as if we dared to tell someone else how to live. That’s not the case at all. Whether kink’s your thing or not, the mainstreaming of BDSM is bound (ha!) to change the legal landscape. Much of the potential liability centers around consent — the authenticity of it, the legal validity of it, and the ways to prove it.  So, put down the ball gag, lovebirds and think about some things first. Because of our careers, Master and I had unknowingly we’re dispatched to BDSM events or activities in the past and the issues that can spawn out of control because of miscommunications can be overwhelming to some. Even a simple doctor’s visit can have a person in the hot seat. However, what I cannot stand is those who break laws and make BDSM part of the excuse. For example: We all know and hopefully practice SSC in the fetish world. If a person does not willingly consent, then folks that is pretty much against any common sense laws. You’re forcing someone against their own will and god given rights of being able to decide on their own. If you’re married and marry another, again also against the law. There’s polyamory then there is polygamy and last I heard they put people in jail for that. There’s age restrictions (I freaking hope people are smart enough to wait until legal age of 18). There’s articles of people who’s naked images are being posted online without consent as revenge, again voyeurism folks can be against the law in certain states! Also, don’t discriminate a person who is open about their sexuality, relationship practices or BDSM in general; it could be considered a hate crime.

So while i’m not saying every state is the same, or all the laws are the same, make sure you’re not breaking one and then say people are hating you for your practices or beliefs. Because then you’re sounding a bit ignorant there. Be smart. Be safe. That’s all!

In other news, Master and I are hanging in there. We’ve been ridiculously busy lately. A little more than I would like… at least on his behalf. We wrote down our everyday activities, broke them down to the hour and holy busy people batman!!! We are so much busier than I ever thought or imagined! I never realized it until I saw it on a piece of paper. Regardless, i’m hoping with a little push and dedication we can find that stability and consistency again. I am focusing again back on some important goals and dreams again, although some days are harder than others not to completely give up on them. The primal me is still evolving and developing, and really becoming a stronger one. I’ve asked Master to really try for his side as far as our dynamic goes, but I am slowly not pushing it. We haven’t had a scene in a long time and for some reason he doesn’t seem to give a rats ass. Because of the way he seems to not care, well…. I find myself not caring either. It’s saddening, but perhaps it is what it is and i’m just leaving it at that. Perhaps it’ll be a twice a year thing for him – events only. I, unfortunately, cannot function that way. I find myself seeing all the fun and excitement everyone is having on fetlife and i’m just window watching from the outside. I’ve become an outcast and it hurts, but i’ll adapt and overcome. I choose to be by the side of my Mate and if that means sacrificing then so be it. It’s what I’ve always done and know very well. Time will tell just as it always has. Until then i’m still a proud BDSM, kink loving lioness who will just window shop at the fetlife store….

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