Subs and Dom-Drop

So as I mentioned before I am sick. I have been sick for a good week now. I’ve taken meds, seen the doctor but i’m still sicky, yucky and cruddy. And does it effect my moods. I’m whiny, needy and i’m so incredibly annoyed with myself I could easily beat myself to a pulp. Because I am like this, I know it effects my Master. He is still trying to deal with Dom-drop on top of other things that we deal with on a daily basis. I know it can’t be easy and I can’t find myself to make him understand how viable it is that he address his Dom drop before my illness. Contradictory right? So many times we see Dominants as these strong, versatile, impenetrable moments that keep us submissives together when our days are long and tired.

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There is no doubt about the fact that we as submissives, have a lot to face in our lives and our relationships with our Dominants, but what many may not understand fully is that the Dominant may fall under the pressure of life that can kill him slowly. It can take a lot of hard work from the submissive to infiltrate the walls he built around him and be able to understand what is hurting him emotionally. Unlike the popular beliefs, a submissive is a major force and strength within BDSM relationships because she does possess the power to heal her dominant in so many ways that no other can and it is her duty to connect enough with her Dominant to find out when he start to fall down. Dom drop is very hard to distinguish and can be “fatal” to a Dominant and a dynamic if you’re not careful. No Sir wants to acknowledge that they’re feeling less than or weak. And I will never see my Master as such, but I know with all the activities and power exchange that took part in 3 small days, his mind and soul are tired and heavy. As I said in previous posts before, Some dominant may not wish to expose such side of their personality to their submissive or wishes to not put their burden upon their submissives so don’t take him, saying he’s “okay” for granted because usually he may be facing a lot of issues but simply doesn’t wish to say it. Last night Master, I knew was still battling fatigue, event drop along with his Dom drop ON TOP of his demons and the urge to care for me through my illness. Yet despite all that I wanted to just spend time with him, in a non-kinky way. I put on a movie I knew he would enjoy, we made popcorn and just snuggled together as one. Granted it was late and we were both tired, but it was a moment we could share as one. As a submissive you may face resistance of him, anger or even solid silence, but don’t give up on him and continue to offer him safe environment and constant support to let him open up for you. Sometimes he doesn’t need BDSM related activities but ..a Kiss , a simple ” I am here for you”, a silent sit down with him till he talks, a gesture of pure compassion or a feeling of your love comforting him may heal him from deepest wounds. Remember, you are his haven, his home and everything he wanted and that is why he is there with you when he falls. Take care of him and he will take care of you. ….. 

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To Own or Not to Own… That is the question……….

I accidentally let it slip while at work last night when I was asked if I was married. I replied, “No, but my Owner-” and then corrected myself and stumbled a response than in my awkwardness seemed to scare them away.

Oops. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have made this mistake a time or two. However, this morning I began to think as I looked over the marks of ownership my Master left me from last night. So I ask of you reading this:

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

For me, personally, It means exactly as it sounds. Like you’d own a car or an animal. You must take care of it, nurture it, use it as you’d like in however you’d like, maintain its’ wellbeing, and of course when you’re with it; it’ll shine as you take such pride in it. Granted, human beings are different from that of a car, but the idea is the same. If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it.

Let me repeat that.

If you own another you must understand that said individual is allowing another person to come into their life and allow another soul to take control of it. 

 I cannot stress how fucking TERRIFYING it is to truly submit to another and i’m almost certain Master feels the same way. Think about it. You are allowing someone else to take control of not just you physically, but your mind and heart. The decisions you’d have no issues, doing your own, are no longer yours to make. Meaning, if they do it in a way that you wouldn’t normally do, well too bad! It’s the rules now. (Now of course the limitations vary in each dynamic but this is just a perspective based on my own personal experience.)  The fear of getting it all very wrong is very real and can cause such turmoil in each other. However, it all comes down to trust. It’s all about knowing that the other person has the power to destroy you and everything you believe in, yet giving them the chance not to. Mistakes will happen so that is why so it’s so essential not to rush into this!!! Sub/Dom frenzy will be the death of a deep and meaningful D/s. There’s so much power exchange between each other. Granted again this is purely from my own experiences as a submissive, I’m hopeful Master could tell his side.

Many feel that D/s is a chance to fulfill the emptiness they have inside from a lack of whatever in their lives. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. You must be able to not only take care of yourself, but also be confident in yourself and happy with yourself. If you’re unable to do either how are you even possible to do that for another?!

“Ownership of another human being is both an honor and a responsibility. The honor is to be entrusted with another’s life by someone who, giving informed consent, makes an adult decision to allow their well-being to be in the care of another. The responsibility is living up to that trust, and making sure to take the appropriate care. Ownership is not something to take lightly by either party. For the one who would be owned, it requires a good deal of faith. For the one who would own another, it means being sure that your own person and affairs are in order.” –Cyd Athens

I’ve seen first hand what bad ownership can do to a submissive. They literally destroy that person past their foundation and core. You talk about abuse, it goes beyond abandonment and anguish. That person believed they had found happiness and not soon after was abandoned and left to fend for herself. It destroyed everything she believed in and the trust was almost irreparable. Again, that is why it’s essential not to rush things. Let them develop slowly and naturally don’t dive in head first at the deepest end of the ocean! Learn each other. Play with each other. Understand each other. It’s a way of teaching each other about one another, so that when you gain or relinquish that control you can do it knowing you’ve given them at least the basic tools to get the job done.

Here’s an example: In my dynamic, Master will prepare me some hot tea when I get home from shift in order to help with me not only relax enough to sleep but make sure my health is maintained since I am exposed to so many individuals that could be sick. In exchange I make certain Master’s coffee is always ready to go before he goes on duty so that I know he’s not only warm in the cold winter weather, but alert and somewhat awake so that he’s not at risk for sleepy mistakes out there.

See? Even the littlest things can mean so much when it’s done with care and concern. Ownership is just taking care of each other, regardless of the roles you play in your dynamic. Taking care of my needs doesn’t make him any less of a Master. There are those who have protocols in their dynamics that state the bottom/sub/slave must DO everything. Not knocking it at all if that is your dynamic. However, I have seen where the “Dom” will say that if a sub doesn’t do EVERYTHING, then their Dom is not a true Dom. I call bullshit. And this goes for the primal ones as well, to fulfill their needs includes caring for the needs of the ones who depend on you in your pack. Whether that need is sexual, play or health wise, as the Alpha you must make sure your pack is happy and well fed. Regardless if the responsibility is too much, there’s no shame in rejecting the request to own or be owned. Don’t risk it.

So… Again, I ask of you who read this….

What does it mean to be owned or own another to you?

A kitten, interrupted.

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all it a “relapse“. Last night was the first time, in a long time I truly fell down into the depths of my demons’ hell. It was so hard and even harder that my Owner wasn’t there as he usually is to console me. Not by his own fault of course, that’s just how things go. I guess I’ve been spoiled it’s been so long since he was unreachable to me. What happens when a kitten can’t find refuge? She falls victim to her own demise. Shitty huh? It’s I think what threw me off so much when I woke up numerous times trying to find my footing; I had to find my own footing. I had forgotten what that felt like. For the longest time I’ve had Masters voice, hands, soothing touch to calm me down, and now that those aren’t always readily available I had to try to remember how to do that all over again. Once again it just shows the amount of power exchange and trust that is involved in D/s that many don’t quite comprehend. Almost everyone (especially the Dom/Sub frenzy related to 50 Shades) seem to only focus on the sexual part of it.

Don’t get me wrong, the sex is amazing but I’ve never been one who centers around it. I love sex. I have a very high sex drive. I don’t dwell on it or think of it in the front of my mind. Yes I get horny, Yes I lust after my Owner who is *cough* blessed. But I’d much rather curl up in his arms afterwards and talk and just have that deep hearted conversation where no words are even needed to be said. Master is like most males and granted our minds function differently. Like most males when he isn’t getting it as often as before, it affects his mood and temperament which in return will affect mine. The good ol snowball effect. I try my best to keep him pleased showing him what he owns and what is waiting for him here at home but I’d much rather have conversations with him about other things considering our time is limited until he returns. Perhaps it’s my career field that has twisted my train of though but if something were to happen to either of us I’d really hate to know our last conversation revolved around fucking. Kink to me is deeper than penetration (no pun intended) it’s about trusting someone more than possibly imaginable. It’s about releasing the emotions, thoughts and feelings that have been lodged way deep inside your soul. It’s about finding out what a person’s body is capable of both physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s about devotion, love and trust.

Master and I have seem to hit a little speed bump. (skipping back a paragraph here) He feels I’m making him pay for his past and I’m trying hard not to. When She outed us publicly and began her long tirade of publicly shaming and attacking me and our dynamic, it was as if no one could tell her to shut the fuck up, and my demons being the little bastards they are, manipulated me to believe perhaps there was some truth behind her words and that’s why no one would say anything.

I’m over thinking as usual, and it infuriates me because I know better. I TRUST him. I love him. To think otherwise would be blasphemous! I’m human and I know that I’m bound to make mistakes but the point of the matter is I need to get over things, wise up, be smarter and think smarter. Use my head. Yknow that lump that’s 3 feet above my ass.

We both want this so bad and we want each other. So why the hell is it so hard!?

I really want to read that Submissive Warrior book even more now. I know I’m stronger than this and smarter than this. I need to wise up. I need a hell of a scene…. That’s for certain.

30 Days of Kinkster

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
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I’ve actually spoken with the gentlemen in the photo. I forget his name but they’re on fetlife. It’s he and his puppy “Key”. I adore this photo on so many levels. It’s erotic and beautiful. You can see the love in their eyes and the play in their smiles.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Mrow…

I have felt like a whiney nagging sub lately. Master works hard. He’s stressed. He’s tired. He’s doing his best and sometimes feels like it’s not enough (when it is!) So what’s a sub to do? 

That’s right.

She puts on some red lipstick, does her make up, her hair, preps her body and wearing only a silk robe and fishnet thigh highs she becomes the meal he’s been hungry for. She allows him to drink her sight in, become stoned on her scent, his fingers explore all that he owns and yearns for and as a sign of reassurance to silence the demons he’s silently fought for so long she kisses his bare skin chest, marking him with her red lips.

Spoiling him has never felt so good. I’m so tired today and it’s a good tired. I feel renewed. Refreshed. No kinky fuckery involved, just pure erotic sensual passion for him. My “inner goddess(as the ’50 shades’ sub frenzy has coined) but I prefer the term huntress. Two predators, Two strong souls devouring each other, renewing the fires within each other and fanning the flames of desire, loyalty and inspiration once again. D/s or any type of relationship requires work from both sides. As long as he’s trying I won’t quit trying either. Why wouldn’t I want to be his sex kitten? I don’t understand how some women make it sound degrading, as if I have no self-respect. But then again to each their own, as long as his belly is full and his balls are empty I am content.

Taking care of Sir.

In this D/s lifestyle many see the Dom/Top/Master/Owner etc.. as this all-knowing holy-er than, high and mighty, strong as an ox type of person. They never break. They never falter. They are to always to be seen as strong and never weak.

Lies.

They (both male and female tops – never gender specific!) are human just like me and you. They too have  to deal with the ups and downs of human emotions and mindsets. They have to deal with the wear and tear of daily thought processes, interactions and the constant self-reflections of “Am I doing this right?” that submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc have to deal with as well.

Master and I have had a push and pull dynamic as we are both strong personalities and have weak moments, which is a common human trait for everyone however we feel we must strive in our roles and sometimes the need to be those roles for each other will conflict with what we are actually feeling or dealing with at the time. For example, this morning. He didn’t sleep well last night (I didn’t either) and I could tell he was really exhausted and hurting. I offered to make him coffee while He got ready for work and he ordered me to stay in bed and rest. A good subbie would do as she’s told. I, however, ignored his order and got up anyways to at least start up some strong coffee and do some morning chores to at least help get his day started. I could tell he was irked at my defiance but then seemed pleased there was fresh hot coffee awaiting his tired self. Now I am not a defiant pet, I actually listen pretty well for the most part. But as his partner in this dynamic duo I knew he needed some TLC and some help, so while risking a punishment, I did what I had to in order to care for the one I love. I know it’s hard for both of us to allow each other to be taken care of as we are both used to never having someone care and love and support us. We never had that need fulfilled in our previous relationships and felt it was the norm. I know myself personally I am always used to taking care of the other person and never myself, and now I have someone who wants to take care of me and it can be overwhelming sometimes. But at the same time the need I have to serve and cater to my Sir is still there and very strong and when I can do even the littlest and smallest things to contribute to us and our dynamic I feel so good within like I am worth something and I can do things to make him proud of me and need me. While I am doing a victory dance I know he’s thinking the opposite not because he doesn’t like it, I know in fact he loves it, but the fact that he isn’t used to it and it can be overwhelming.

This dynamic we are in is still evolving and growing as we continue to learn with and from each other. That also means breaking each other from our molds and old shells. Old habits and what not but sometimes that can shake a person to their very core and I know Master sometimes battles within and it can wear him down. I see it and I know that he wants to remain the “stronger” one, I need to let him know that when the time comes that he needs to let his shield and guard down even just for a moment that as his submissive and his partner that it’s okay and I won’t judge him or see him differently. That is why people say that submissives aren’t weak at all, because we too have to be strong for our tops. We have to be able to hold them up when they feel too worn to stand, and not be afraid or ashamed to do it. I don’t mind it and i’m hoping he knows that he can lean on me for that support and be the strength he needs to give him that little push to get back on track or help him focus. He’s my best friend and i’d do anything for him to better him in the ways he WANTS to. I will never make him to mold him to anything based on what I think is best because I refuse to change or control him. That is something that is often mistaken by some subs/slaves. They manipulate to control and that is a shame. I love it when he takes charge of not only myself and our dynamic but of his own life, his own dreams, his own goals and demons. To see him stand above and do things many don’t think he can do. She – for example- sees him as some spineless person who couldn’t wipe his own ass without her guidance. Many see her as doing the womanly aspect of controlling funds, bills, household for a smooth sailing ship when in reality she has simply become the puppet master, and he is simply the puppet. I know this because when I saw him outside that control it was intoxicating how he could just make things happen by the drive in his heart. That drive in his heart is what I want to nurture, care for and love to help it grow and find more strength and confidence.

I know with the recent changes our life has really done 180’s but I hope that soon we can start to level out and find our footing again. It makes me proud of the progress he has made over time because I knew he had it in him all along, I just have to keep caring for my Sir because that’s what good girls do 🙂

No longer a stray….

Pets like me who don’t have a home are often considered “strays” or “wild“. A home for me is a place of belonging. A place where you are loved, comfortable and at peace. Where I was once calling “home” is more of a place to sleep and eat and where my animals and I lived. Where my clothes were kept. Where my things were placed but it was not what I considered a realhome” for me. I never felt at place there, I never felt like it was where I needed to be. When Master would visit for however amount of time that seemed to be the only time I felt I could be comfortable there. When I would travel to different places for work I often felt myself searching for that home-ly feeling in hopes to find perhaps where I needed to be. Much like a stray moving from place to place… I could never seem find it.

……Until now. The changes in recent days, weeks and months have led me to here. Here I am now with my Master and I cannot believe it. For the first time in my life I feel where I need to be, I didn’t even feel this when I was married to the supposed “love of my life” *pffttt*. I am sleeping peacefully. I am eating happily without remorse or concern. I am able to stretch my body and feel everything slowly release that was once tight with stress and agony. When the nightmares of the past creep back into my mind I awake and feel the comfort feeling wrap me up in the warmth of protection and I can so easily sleep again. My animals must sure feel this peace as they seem to roam with ease. Master is doing his best to silence a lot of the concerns I have – since stress is something I’ve never ever gone a single day without. He wants to take care of me and I am fighting every fiber of my being to allow him to do so, after all isn’t that what every woman wants? I fear being a lush or lard like someone has been with him in his past. He says I am not and I do my best to do my part here until the career picks up again.

I am not his house slave- let’s not get those things confused. While I am a horrid suzy homemaker I feel, I know our home is slowly but surely coming together furniture piece by furniture piece. I do however know for certain want to take care of him as he has never had that before, which for me is so incredibly hard to fathom let alone believe. I sometimes wonder if he tells me little lies like that not to intend to hurt me but to make me feel better? I know it’ll take time as we continue to learn things about each other from habits to quirks. I am so excited to expand our D/s dynamic to a 24/7. To know that I can kneel beside him, curl up in his lap, feel his grip around my throat as my collar snugs and the bell charms. To play and scene as often as he wishes. To continue to try new things, and experiment with new ideas. The toy box growing with goodies. I am just so excited in that area for a subbie like me it’s a dream come true! It’s still in the early stages so protocols and tasks will be put into place soon i’m certain. I know he misses it I think. I often wonder what crosses his domly mind. What dominant aspects he thinks of, dreams of, daydreams and creates in his mind. I crave that in him. I don’t know why.

As far as outside our dynamic, things are flowing as they can i’m sure. My friends & family are concerned for my safety and well being as She is still on the crazy pursuit and I am a little afraid to leave the security of my home. It’s frustrating. I am not a person to be afraid. I don’t like that feeling at all but at the same time I do not want to make life difficult for either Master nor myself right now for too much is at stake in both of our lives and careers. I now know how people feel that I once interacted with at work on the street used to scream and shout “S/He is fucking crazy why don’t you believe me!? Why won’t you do something!?”

So that sums up the update. I missed journaling. I missed writing but with this feeling of finally finding my home and my place at my Masters side I don’t have all the mundane thoughts floating in my head, instead it is I that is floating happily for the first time in my life and I have no intentions of ever coming down……