Faith and Religion…..

It’s been some time since I’ve jotted my mind down. Not too much has occurred or changed. Same daily stress, but nothing that I cannot tolerate. I’ve grown a little more each day, as has Master. We’ve slowly fallen out of the routine, but at least we acknowledge it. We know that we do better with consistency and routine, however, some things have stepped in the way again. The difference this time is that we are aware and have decided to defeat any evil that wants to arise together. Realizing this, has made the ups and downs almost unnoticeable, which I must admit, is a nice change. Reminders that we are in fact a team, a pack. He is my Sir, and I am His.

Recent changes: Master and I both were recently inked together. Don’t misunderstand me now, I don’t mean we had matching tattoos or anything. I’m too superstitious for that. But we did endure a few hours work sitting side by side and it was incredibly erotic. For being a lover of impact play and primal aggression, enduring the pain for hours of intense pain placed me in a world closer to that of a sub-space. Indescribable chills upon my skin and between my thighs. Watching my Master watch me placed me in a world of sensations I almost had forgotten. Of course now with the new ink it will be a short while before we are able to play in ways that we enjoy most. These new symbols that will be with us forever each fit us into who we are and who we have become.

The one thing that I have had……….I don’t want to say “difficulty with”…. But have had uncertainty, I guess you could say, is my beliefs. My faith. I was raised in a home of catholic faith. I made it as far as confession, but never was actually confirmed. So in tradition, I am pretty much damned to hell. Or purgatory? (Which by the way, is an awesome resort.) However, due to recent inner revealings and discoveries I have found that while I will always love God and the things I was taught and have relied on, I feel like perhaps there is more to where my beliefs belong.

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Valhalla.
I believe in Odin. Norse Gods and great warriors. Those who lived for today and the wars of tomorrow. To die honorably and in battle. To me there’s nothing greater than such an honor. Perhaps it’s my type A personality. Perhaps it’s my Thin Blue Line heart. Whatever it may be….. The halls of Valhalla sound so amazing…. And so does the idea of spending eternity drinking mead beer.

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Sekhmet.

If there was ever a Goddess whom I could whole heartedly become a devotee of, it’d be her. She’s everything I want to be and everything I want to embrace. She is beauty. She is rage. She is love and hate. She is war. She is peace. She is life and death. Not to mention, the only reason she didn’t destroy man kind was because she got drunk mistaking blood for pomegranate colored beer.

Regardless, In this lifestyle, I’m still learning who I am, who I will be and who I can be. I am sometimes unsure of where my place is, especially regarding religion and faith. For many, especially myself, it’s often the cornerstone. Not living the “normal” relationship raised a few eyebrows, but to say that I believe in something other than what i’ve been taught….. Not sure how many would handle that. Some may say I’m a devil worshipper or that I don’t believe in God. Not true, it’s just I don’t see him as the center of my beliefs. Is that wrong? Does that make me a hellion?: Am I damned? I’m not sure. I’ve ordered a book on Sekhmet, a guide per se, on how I am to worship her as my Goddess. It feels right to me, and that is what I want most in my life; for things to make sense and feel right.

Dolly Parton said it best….

Find out who you are…. Then do it on purpose.

Primal.

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If anything could be perfectly summed up in a photograph…. This would be it. This is how I look and feel, and how Master is overseeing things. My mother and his mother are worried. Hell, i’m worried. I haven’t been this ill since I was a child and i’m fortunate I don’t remember much of that. Today i’m tired. More things hurt. I am feeling just utterly exhausted and drained, but I refuse to be a lump on a log, so yes, I tried to go to work today, and yes Master said it wasn’t happening. I argued a little more than I did yesterday just because I am still not used to not doing my part. However, I quit arguing and did as I am told. I am honestly not in any shape to argue much, although I sure tried last night. This weekend was the beginning of the full moon and it’s odd how she manages to hold her sway. Perhaps it’s the full moon, perhaps it’s something else, but all day long I feel horrid and in the late evening for the night hours I begin to show an extreme amount of improvement and stamina. It’s weird. I feel more alive, more at ease, more alert, healthier and certainly able to breathe better.

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Primals across the world feel more in tuned with their primal nature due to this full moon. I’ve always felt different during certain phases of the moon, lunar eclipses, rings around the moon and of course blood on the moon. I’m slowly learning more and more the meaning of Primal and how much I embrace it, especially being ill. It is flesh on flesh, it’s the wild within all of us. The uncivilized part of who we are, where nothing exist but the fire of energy. Primal is our foundation of our basic instincts and our animal nature as we embrace our animal nature. Touching, smelling and being creative with our hands, mouth and body, it is the core of our souls. A Primal’s head space and mindset is more than an attitude of leaving the body and becoming a nonhuman shift into an animalistic being. It is love-making and play at the primal level of our true self. Primal Play, to me, is the release from being a modern human and to be in a privative state of mind where we let loose. It’s thinking and living without restraints as a human; without shame and to embrace our desires and operate on the basic instincts of our soul. It is expressing passion and sensual energy without restraints in our mind and body and most of all without fear. This is the place where our body and mind fine tune the most primitive self as we touch that place of letting go and just being in the moment. It is hot and sensual, and it will touch your inner nature of your true self, and you learn of a new way to be in touch with that hidden part of you. Primal is the raw, animalistic, wild, sexual and uncivilized part of who we are conditioned to be in our daily life. We are taught to ignore, pretend and hide this feeling inside of us and not to share this wild side to the outside world. This exists within all of us and the animal within us is calling us out. It is often a consciousness or space as an individual is connected to their animalistic, primal urges and thinking out of the box.

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Now there are roles within that title of Primal. Prey and Predator, just as it exists in the natural realm. I know of those who indulge in being prey and those who are predators. Neither is less than the other and vice versa. Just as in nature, both are a part of each other and apart of the delicate balance which the other is able to exist. Many say primal is just intuitive as the Druids or nodes or even pagans. I don’t know about all of that, to me, it’s more than those things, but they are all based on the basic belief of being in tune with the world around you, the air, water, the ground, the sun and the moon. In a dynamic we often harbor a pack or clan mentality, what that means to you i’ll let you decide. I know what it means to me and that goes right back to the Alpha Dominant taking care of his own. Mine certainly is doing the best he can. I am so very tired today and have been told to remain next to his side until further notice. To me, things like this disprove those horrible beliefs that BDSM and D/s lifestyle is just based on pure sexual energy and pure demand. Master and I aren’t fucking or flogging 24/7. He isn’t FORCING me, CONTROLLING me just to get his rocks off. He’s not telling me to be on my knees, kissing his boots while i’m doing my best not to sneeze all over him. There’s no Christan Grey douchebag telling me he’s going to fuck me and all that crap. No…. He’s here next to me, reading his book, my head rests on his lap. He pets my head gently as I drift off, while we listen to the storm roll in as the wind chimes and trees sing their songs with the wind. He is my Master, I am his submissive. If you don’t feel this way, perhaps it’s time to make the changes to do so….

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Taming the Lioness.

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There’s nothing more Dominant, than a Dominant who cares for his submissive. To those who have been following along, I am not improving as I had hoped. Granted, it’s only been a little over a week, but I am impatient and so is Master. The recent vomiting and other wonderful immune system dysfunctions have caused him continuous concern. I am not used to not pull my own weight when it comes to household finances. In fact, in my previous relationships and my Marriage I was pretty much the ONLY one really putting forth in the finance department. It’s something i’ve gotten very used to and i’m okay with. I’m fortunate to have a true partner with my Master. We always put forth as a team, partnership, 100%/100%. Pack mentality takes over and we both put forth an effort to keep our pack healthy and doing well. I am ill, I get that and it was today I was due to return to work, however Master pulled Alpha and said no. I am not where he wants me to be health wise and I am in no position to argue, even though I tried. Don’t get me wrong, I am stressing regarding finances, but for the first time in my life I am not that worried. It’s weird for me to say that, as if you’ve seen my writings a year ago, I was a walking lunatic overwhelmed with stress. Master is right and I am listening. I am being obedient and listening to my Owner who knows me better than anyone. I am not well, and in my line of work, if you are not on your game, people can get hurt. That is something i’m not willing to have on my conscience. So i’m home a little while longer and i’ll return to the doctor as soon as Monday.

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I won’t lie. It’s VERY hard for a submissive to fight all that she’s trained herself to do and who she is to allow another person to say,”Guess what, you’re going to do it my way and that’s that.” The lioness warrior in me and the Kitten in me are at odds with each other. They both agree they need to listen to their Alpha, however, I know I need to get back on my feet and the other says,”You’re ill. Fucking stop and take care of yourself.” I know it’s a silly conundrum but it happens. But because I just allowed my owner do what owners are supposed to do, it made things easier. Another “ah-ha” moment in D/s if you will, a Dominant is meant to take care of their submissives, and if they don’t, then why the hell would anyone want a person to be in charge of them? That’s like paying to see a doctor only to not receive an ounce of treatment? Sure, Master could have allowed me to go to work. Sure, he could have said we’d deal with things later. But, would that have been wise? I have to trust him and his words and for me to shut my stubborn side up, to me that is a big feat of my own. I am proud of that fact. And I am even more proud of him for taking my health and care as a priority (not like he doesn’t do that already – but i’m still proud regardless…). As his submissive, I encourage all other subs both of the newbies and the experienced, I encourage you all to always make sure you praise your Sir. Praise him for taking the moments to flog you when you need it, to love you when you don’t always need it. To make sure you are healthy, sane, safe, cared for and protected. To praise the Alpha who makes sure you are aware that you are still a strong and intelligent lioness perfectly capable of hunting her prey and fighting off the dangers that could threaten your pack, but that you allow him to take the role at the head of your Pack and that he will cherish that position you’ve allowed him in your life because he knows that was not an easy decision to make. We all carry our wounds with us as reminders of the struggles we’ve faced in our pasts. These scars are reminders of what we defeated and how the phoenix rose from the ashes of hell. We are that phoenix. Listening to your Sir does not make you any less of one. Remember that. I had to.

Enter the Second Trimester of Kink………….

“Wow! You really have embraced your spots!”

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That’s a phrase that has summed up my wonderful weekend with my community at Spring Pan. My journey continues to be a roller coaster moments, including the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. However, I have taken a moment to finally jot down the things I have felt or observed while at Pan….

Master and I were ‘newbies’ at leather fiesta last year, and it was very apparent as the flux of ‘new blood’ was also apparent this year. I could tell because of the expressions on their faces in the dungeon. Not all who enter could really grasp what it is that they’re getting themselves into. I know because some who came on Friday night didn’t return the following evening… And that’s okay. I think many need to experience first hand to really see if this is something they want or don’t want to get into.

And that is when it really hit me, how far I’ve come in my journey. Master and I do admit at the last major event we did have a bit of a frenzy and wanted to do all the things, this time we took our time and did what was within our abilities and mindset. Unfortunately, I was battling a strong case of what I thought was allergies (spawned into bronchitis..) but I pushed forward as best as I could. We didn’t attend as many classes as last time, and the ones we did attend were full! Being claustrophobic, Master understood when I asked to duck out half way through…..  We mingled more. Spent more time with our friends whom we dearly missed! Master splurged on such AMAZING goodies to include a dragon’s tail, a set of galley whips, a new flogger among other things. But this trip wasn’t just for our pleasure, no no no….

We had the blessings of paying it forward in many ways; One couple we’ve adored over time is dear to our hearts. Two kitties who’ve flocked to each other and we watch our owners, trade punishment ideas lol we were able to hang out with them and purchase them beautiful leather cuffs as a gift from us. Also Another beautiful soul in our community is becoming ill from an unknown disease and it literally broke my heart to see her in such agony. I literally cried, but her determination to not let anything hinder her, even when she played with her boi, just filled my heart with just joy. That eagerness to fulfill each other’s needs is part of why I am so dearly in love with this lifestyle. Master and I gave her a monetary donation towards funding her answers. These things we did was not because we wanted to flaunt ourselves, but because we are fortunate to be in a position to do so and I am a firm believer in paying it forward…. Why not send forth good fortune in this world?!

Now back to the dungeon, while thisyear it was more spacious, the crowd itself was much more in numbers. The mood was better Saturday night versus Friday, however again, I felt much more than before. I was used to being the few who used to be lead on leashes awhile back, now this time I saw it everywhere. I am on a leash in a large event not for a fashion or “how all subs should be” but because I have an anxiety disorder and large crowds make me lock up or tense. I don’t have my service dog with me at kink events (he would lose his shit if his momma was getting whipped) so Master has me on a leash as a sense of security and safety and to calm my demons should any females want to play Alpha tug of war with me. That’s another thing. I saw a wave of sub/dom frenzy. HOLY SHIT BALLS BATMAN did I ever! It was VERY apparent the FSOG frenzy was alive and well at this event as many of the Doms/Subs/whatever they were flocked and dived in feet first at the deep end of the kink pool. However, they must’ve not been told about common courtesy or common sense. Master told me this later on (thank heavens) but I guess while I was having a kitten moment with another kitten at the human size-pet area (three words: GIANT scratching post) I guess some sub felt it was okay to flirt with my Master….

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No. Nope. Negative Ghostrider…. That does not fly. In our world we show each other respect and those who are in dynamics/relationships even more respect! Being that of a primal I would’ve shown my Alpha side and taken her as a challenge and what do alpha’s do when challenged??? Yes. Could’ve gotten ugly or at least some of my fangs would’ve appeared. Regardless, I saw that many times over. Granted, it’s a common mistake any newbie makes, but this weekend I was on the other side of it and wow now I see why it’s so important to show common courtesy. Another thing I saw a lot of was disobedient subs. Holy hell. I have my tendencies, but some were just flat out disobedient! I could not believe how they could just behave in such a way, it was horrendous and made me just gawk in exasperation while I watched silently as I knelt next to my Master as I am supposed to do.

It was a fun event regardless, and I feel my Master and I are really coming into our own now. I am ready for us to take on that next step. We’ve both agreed that lately we aren’t happy with where are dynamic was plateaued at however we weren’t sure what our next step should be…. I think being surrounded by such amazing kinksters of our community help remind us and give us a shove in the direction we’d like to be. I know personally i’d like to get back on tasks and schedules once my stupid bronchitis clears. Dealing with her is no longer an issue, despite the demons the wench has left me with. It’s a slow process that which i’m overcoming little by little. I am looking forward to getting back to journaling regularly, working out regularly, having scenes as often as possible and just little subtle signs of dominance from my Master that keeps me in my place and in line.

A new phase and a new beginning is how I’m looking towards the start of this Summer…..

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Under The Alpha’s Protection.

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It doesn’t take much to make a girl feel invisible. We’ve all felt like we’re competing with an ex. Let’s just say you’ve checked out her Facebook page only to find out she’s prettier and has a great career and really good hair. You’re allowed to hate her a little bit for this. But if he makes you feel like you don’t compare, not only is he not over her, he’s a jerk. Fear does things to people. Far too many tragedies happen to good people in the name of fear. It’s a fucking shame… And there is very little that can be done to feel better about it, when such a loss in a bond is felt. It fucking sucks.

However, if you want your relationship/dynamic to survive you MUST overcome all of this. A submissive’s body is in the hands of the dominant. The dominants conscience is in the hands of the submissive. This is a very true insight. One that must be honored always, by both. Together, mutually, they rise.

Our brains are wired to protect themselves. That’s why when trust is broken, it hurts, and then we don’t let ourselves relax again. But just like the soldier who comes back from the war, and must learn to accept that not everyone is trying to kill him, the heartbroken girl that comes back from a bad breakup must learn that not everyone is trying to hurt her.

Our problems, as humans, are not complex. They all… ALL… Have completely predictable outcomes. The only thing that makes it complicated, is our genetic based failure to accept reality for what it is. If we learn to accept things for what they are, and allow ourselves to weather the pain of it (and stop getting offended by people who remind you to get over it) the suffering goes down… CONSIDERABLY.

Dwelling, is a suffering multiplier.

I am learning this and I think it’s finally sinking into this incredibly thick skull of mine. Despite the issues Master and I had this morning dealing with Her, I kinda just said whatever. I cannot change what has already occurred, and I cannot predict the future, so why dwell on such things? Instead, I need to hold onto my collar, close my eyes, and feel the connection and spark I felt in our scene last night. It’s those tender moments that I wish were consistent. Those connections and re-igniting our bond helps get me through the times like this morning. The scene was intense and Master REALLY pushed me and my limits. There was a time or two that with each landing of the knots of the cat on my skin, I wasn’t sure I could go on, but I did. While I still have a hard time with being able to be marked, I was floating. Subspace is the point in which you stop thinking, and simply just… Be. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed such a scene and do hope to enjoy more.

I am still eager and antsy about seeing everyone next month. I’m also scared because I know our dynamic has had quite the setback, I feel behind in our dynamic compared to where we were a year ago. I guess time will tell. I am also eager for this other crap to end, but alas, I know that I’ve given up the wishful thinking regarding to how Master will handle things and deal with em and I just will take them as life lessons, and reason why I will remain always alert. This kitten can take care of herself and her enemies all by herself. It’s a saddening factor as I loved being under my Alpha’s protection. Perhaps she still is, except when it comes to her……

And then the Alpha Female took lead….

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Yesterday, Master had a task list set for me yesterday that was filled with both everyday duties and a surprise of mani/pedi.

Say what!? Yep. He wanted kitten to be spoiled.

[insert glee and giddiness]

Afterwards we went lingerie shopping and he picked out some pretty lace items for kitten to wear. We came home where I gave him a full body message (with a happy ending of course) as my way to say “Thank you.”

Although it was relaxing to me to feel the soreness of life being worked out of my hands and feetsies, My mind continues to grow tired.

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She’s at it again. Yesterday I was followed home by her mother. (What are we 12!?) I brought it up to Master, but again it seems he feels powerless and stated he will not be doing anything about it.

I had hoped he would understand and see it from where I was coming from, that he swore to protect me against anything, but not her? Perhaps he’s used to that. That habit  with her, a fear, of not standing up to them. I understand he doesn’t want anything to do with her, so in return, he feels if he ignores her then he’s under the impression that will get to Her more than anything else. And granted with many things that is true. Trust me, i’d love to be able to just ignore this, and I have for months but it continues. I am not one to just ignore things and hope they go away…. I will MAKE them go away. It broke my heart to hear him say,”I can’t” and “I won’t.” I know in my case i’d do the Something about it if the roles were reversed. However, they’re not. I am used to protecting myself alone against harm, it’s what I’ve known my whole life. I’m going to not hold this against him though. I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do on their own, that is not who I am. I know in my heart he’d still protect me in other areas and places when he can. I grew up never needing a hero or to be saved…. It was very clear that women like me couldn’t be saved. We weren’t damsels in distress, we created our own distress. We became our own heroes. We dreamt of having a warrior to stand beside us in the battle of life. But then I stopped allowing myself to dream, because it was more painful to long for things and never get them than to deal with whatever was in front of me. I’m too old to hear nonsense anymore. Too old to believe that everything will be alright…. I just need action over words and to stop expecting for things to happen to me because i’d do it for others. I just need to let life continue with its course, both the good and the bad.

The mutt knows somethings wrong. All day i’ve been on the brink of crying and anger. I’ve sat in silence. Haven’t said but maybe two words. I let the music of peace fill the house loudly. The day’s weather reflects my moods switching between bright snowfall and dark rain fall. Yet, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t sleep. He watches me with concerned eyes. He’s not next to me like usual, no. He’s across the house near the front windows. Protection. He has it.

My friends i’ve vented to all say I need to have patience and understanding and I do. They all ask why nothing can be done, and I reply I don’t know. I started to wonder if perhaps he still loves and cares for her…. They ask if i’ll be alright and of course I will be. I don’t know what else to be. They ask if Master and I will be alright and I reply…. Of course we will be. Despite moments like this, He’s MY owner. I wouldn’t have it any other way….

I know i’ve been wanting another firearm to add to my everyday carry goodies, but I’m thinking right now, i’m going to add more ink. My fetlife name is “kittenwithink after all and the pain of the needle is what i’m needing. That pain to lift from my soul and tired heart. That pain to be released. I want to have some kind of reminder that while the wounds heal, they don’t disappear forever I carry them everywhere, always, and that is the way of things, the way of scars.
That is what this tattoo will be, for me: a scar.

Well played Hollywood……

As usual, I’m behind on things of this world. Don’t laugh but I’ve never seen the movie Mr & Mrs. Smith. You’ve heard of it right?IMG_3137

Right. Well The Master and I picked up some movies over our days off. We’re the type who like to stay at home and veg out on the couch together. I know what you’re thinking,”OMG you mean you people aren’t doing kinky sexual things all the time!?” (insert sarcasm)

Anyways, the entire time we watched this Master had this nostalgic smile. I couldn’t believe how much we related to the characters. I know so many say or hear that when they watch a movie, but I’m so serious here. Examples:
wpid-wp-1408611079692Their first encounter was on a whim and involved a lot of alcohol. They had fun just talking, dancing and listening to music. Did I mention the ton of alcohol? There was no false-ness or facade in the way things just……clicked. Chemistry? Maybe. Timing? Always sucks. c’est la vie. That was us on our first real “alone” time. Seems so long ago, but it was truly a life changing experience. We spent hours out on that porch drinking and listening to music and just enjoying each others company. Felt like we had known each other all of ours lives, and there were no expectations or walls…. Just us….. And the bottle of whiskey.

IMG_3134 They challenge each other. Granted in ways not many often do (Not everyone is determined to kill their spouse….) But that’s something we do. We aren’t afraid to push each other, struggle and argue with each other. We know what each other is capable of and strive to make each other do the best we can. Also, did I mention how competitive and stubborn we are? Err, I mean, they are….

 

IMG_3135When they are so pissed and angry, they hurt each other (Literally). They take out all the hatred for the pain caused by the lies and deceit they’ve discovered in each other. Master and I have had this moment. It was sometime ago, but the wounds are still healing. We hurt each other. We hurt each other so very badly. We shattered each other’s hearts and souls. Yet, despite it all, we looked at each other’s tear soaked faces and chose to mend those wounds. It’s something we’ve continued to do everyday. We continue chose each other and have made it known we’re not going to quit trying for each other. Even when we’re so goddamn pissed at each other. Besides, everyone knows make up sex is amazing.

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Besides the movie, things have been meh here. Still not much D/s wise. I have to admit i’m afraid to even think of such things during this week. Fifty shades of bullshit Grey movie premiers this weekend and I’m really debating on avoiding social media for a while just to stay away from the sub/dom frenzy that will explode faster than a high school freshman boy’s wet dream. My career has hit a lull with my recent injury. As a strong submissive woman, I know many can vouch over the fact that a career can mean so much to a person. I’m not a pearl wearing, office-type of person. I like to be out in the field, doing what I know I was made to do. However, I’ve been stuck with a bum knee. I don’t like it. It’s affecting my self-esteem as well among other things because I not only cannot scene (even if Master wanted to) but I can’t work out, I can’t do yoga, limited movement…. blah. Now, granted it’ll heal and it’ll get better, however, I’m impatient. Luckily Master and I were able to hit the range yesterday and it was extremely comforting and a turn on to see the Alpha in him appear. I love it when he is my Master 🙂