My dynamic is severely broken, as in it almost no longer exits. My relationship with Master is still there, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together and very much in love, but our kink is missing.
In a BSDM D/s dynamic it’s heartbreaking. It’s a very big part of us as individuals, and I don’t know about Master, but without the kink I feel as if a big piece of me is missing. Stress is increasing ten fold in our everyday lives as new responsibilities Master has inherited and with me being out of work with this knee injury; we’re just overwhelmed. It’s understandable that the kink took a backseat, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I desire my protocols, my structure, my Sir. I miss feeling the joy of my collar as I did when he first placed it around my neck. Hell, I even miss the punishments. I miss our scenes, I miss that feeling of a primal challenge as well as the pain slut at the mercy of his flogger and cat.
I feel useless, and unworthy. Lost. Alone. Confused about my place. It’s an odd feeling, but I know this is something that happens to everyone at some point. In this conservative town, I’m cut off from that feeling of belonging to a community and group. I’ve began to pretty much “out” myself on social media, but that’s because I don’t care anymore. I love the fact that i’m submissive. I love the fact that I’ve found the strength to allow another to own me and the strength to submit. I love the feeling of leather and the leather lifestyle. I love the pride I have in being owned. I love the feeling of the marks my Master leaves me, it’s the most delicious soreness one could ever have. Not everyone has to understand or like it, it’s not their life to live! It’s mine! I have no shame at all. Because of FSOG I understand why many want to remain anonymous in the BDSM world, but I do not. I will not let a bad apple ruin this. I will be proactive about it should anyone ask questions.
I need to find things to do in my life more related to the BDSM community, perhaps it’ll help me feel as if i’m contributing more to things that matter to me.