It’s been some time since I’ve jotted my mind down. Not too much has occurred or changed. Same daily stress, but nothing that I cannot tolerate. I’ve grown a little more each day, as has Master. We’ve slowly fallen out of the routine, but at least we acknowledge it. We know that we do better with consistency and routine, however, some things have stepped in the way again. The difference this time is that we are aware and have decided to defeat any evil that wants to arise together. Realizing this, has made the ups and downs almost unnoticeable, which I must admit, is a nice change. Reminders that we are in fact a team, a pack. He is my Sir, and I am His.
Recent changes: Master and I both were recently inked together. Don’t misunderstand me now, I don’t mean we had matching tattoos or anything. I’m too superstitious for that. But we did endure a few hours work sitting side by side and it was incredibly erotic. For being a lover of impact play and primal aggression, enduring the pain for hours of intense pain placed me in a world closer to that of a sub-space. Indescribable chills upon my skin and between my thighs. Watching my Master watch me placed me in a world of sensations I almost had forgotten. Of course now with the new ink it will be a short while before we are able to play in ways that we enjoy most. These new symbols that will be with us forever each fit us into who we are and who we have become.
The one thing that I have had……….I don’t want to say “difficulty with”…. But have had uncertainty, I guess you could say, is my beliefs. My faith. I was raised in a home of catholic faith. I made it as far as confession, but never was actually confirmed. So in tradition, I am pretty much damned to hell. Or purgatory? (Which by the way, is an awesome resort.) However, due to recent inner revealings and discoveries I have found that while I will always love God and the things I was taught and have relied on, I feel like perhaps there is more to where my beliefs belong.
I believe in Odin. Norse Gods and great warriors. Those who lived for today and the wars of tomorrow. To die honorably and in battle. To me there’s nothing greater than such an honor. Perhaps it’s my type A personality. Perhaps it’s my Thin Blue Line heart. Whatever it may be….. The halls of Valhalla sound so amazing…. And so does the idea of spending eternity drinking mead beer.
If there was ever a Goddess whom I could whole heartedly become a devotee of, it’d be her. She’s everything I want to be and everything I want to embrace. She is beauty. She is rage. She is love and hate. She is war. She is peace. She is life and death. Not to mention, the only reason she didn’t destroy man kind was because she got drunk mistaking blood for pomegranate colored beer.
Regardless, In this lifestyle, I’m still learning who I am, who I will be and who I can be. I am sometimes unsure of where my place is, especially regarding religion and faith. For many, especially myself, it’s often the cornerstone. Not living the “normal” relationship raised a few eyebrows, but to say that I believe in something other than what i’ve been taught….. Not sure how many would handle that. Some may say I’m a devil worshipper or that I don’t believe in God. Not true, it’s just I don’t see him as the center of my beliefs. Is that wrong? Does that make me a hellion?: Am I damned? I’m not sure. I’ve ordered a book on Sekhmet, a guide per se, on how I am to worship her as my Goddess. It feels right to me, and that is what I want most in my life; for things to make sense and feel right.
Dolly Parton said it best….
Find out who you are…. Then do it on purpose.